Anyone Else Tired of Being the 'Strong One'?

I think it is a common problem with full time working moms, to be expected to do everything else. Its not fair at all, but common.

I adore my husband. I like men in general. My husband is a huge help and spends as much or more time with our kids than I do...that being said.

It's a MAN THING! Seriously. It is amazing the hoops my family will go to help my husband, and it would never dawn on them to offer me a hand. Good example was the 4 days my hubby went fishing/drinking with buddies. I spent those four days cleaning and bleaching my mom's entire basement, and everything in it because my son flooded it right before dad left. I slept three hours the night before her return so her house would be spotless, and all traces of the flooding would be gone. I make dinner. My mom comes home to a clean house, immaculate basement sans moldy carpet, and dinner on the table...she says "Jay, you must have had a rough weekend...you look beat!?!" Ah the betrayal.

Women generally are the family glue. They are the fixers, the shoppers, the menders, the chauffers, the cook, the maid, the nurse...etc. and no one ever notices. It is just the way it is. You spend all your time and energy on everyone else, and it is just expected. "I am woman hear me roar," takes on a whole new meaning.

Vent away girl...it won't do any good or change anything (he will still expect to be praised for weeks for picking up his dirty shirt on the floor) but it may make you feel better.

Everyday. I've tried to explain these feelings to my family. They simply don't get it. Maybe it's our own fault. Maybe we carry the weight of the world because we are capable and we don't want to be incapable? I don't know. I just wish sometimes that I could take a break from making things work for everyone else.

I used to feel this way at times. Now my boys are teenagers. If I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I just think about how in a few years they won't live her anymore and it makes me so sad!!!! I think about my husband and I growing older and things settling down and it is such a bittersweet thought. It is really hard work being a wife and mom and being responsible for everything. But, you were born a woman because you are a strong soul and you will survive all this! When you are older, you will miss some of the chaos, hard work, and being needed all the time. It's all in the perspective and big picture of life. I know exactly how you feel, and it will change as time goes on.

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

But, here's how I try to look at it: The downside to being a strong woman is that people (including husbands) aren't motivated to nurture, baby, and help you. The upside, however, is that you are a strong woman.

So, ultimately, I guess I'm glad I'm a strong woman.

Oh, I hear you. My situation is very different from yours, but this is often exactly how I feel. Like "who's going to take care of ME?" Honestly, no one is going to, but I feel a lot better with some friends or my mom, who's a professionally trained listener (therapist) listening to me vent every once in a while.

And my husband is a really good guy. We generally have a good relationship. Not perfect, but pretty good for going on 9 years of marriage. But checking out my emotional barometer is just not something he'll ever be able to do. He gets a sense that I'm feeling burnt out when I start bawling over simmering pasta sauce. But even then it's not entirely clear : )

My best advice, not that you really asked for any, is to be willing to give YOURSELF a break. Call a sitter. Order pizza for dinner. Send the kids to daycare in their pjs. Let them watch 3 movies one afternoon. Skip bath. Well, don't do this all in one day : ) It's not the same as being taken care of by someone else, but it's better than nothing, that's for sure.

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.

YES!!! I hate to sound bitter but, unfortunately, I think it's an endless cycle too. The more you take on from them, the more reliant on you they become. I absolutely love my husband but this is the issue that drives me the most crazy. He's a doctor and works absolutely INSANE hours but I'm a full-time worker too, AND I keep track of all the baby stuff, AND all the house and bills stuff. Ugh... I could go on and on...

As far as the family thing goes, I think it that a lot of it is just our culture. My parents and sisters are the same way. Actually, it's to the point where DH asked me once why they think he's so incapable :)

Anyway, my advice, for what it's worth, is to explain to DH and your family calmly once how you feel. Hopefully, they'll step it up but if not, I highly recommend trying to accept it as just something that wont change. That's what I'm TRYING to do at least :)

I get tired of being the strong one and being expected to deal with so much.

I wonder if you could find a M. or two who would switch off babysitting with you. I did this and if I get into a jam, I can call them and vice versa.
Explain sometimes you need a break. Even two hours. Or a college girl could come right before bedtiem and you could go out.

my husband traveled a lot when the kids were young and so I hear ya! I also started to be resentful.

Be careful though. Resentment can creep up on you and it just is a poison.

Take care of yourself, as no one else is going to. Don't be afraid to hire sitters.

Oh YEAH!!. I work full time, come home to 4 kids, dinner to cook, straightening up to do, homework to check and on and on. My husband just lost his job where he worked nights. I feel like I have to train him how to deal with his family!. I do not have any help with anything--not even when my first 3 were babies. It is amazing how people talk so excited about helping out when the babies come but then suddenly they are too busy. Gratned he did stay home when I went back to work when they were 3 months since I had insurance and he did not but he got all the sympathy about how it is so hard to handle the kids and a man taking care of 3 babies, OMG. I would get home and he had food cooked for him while I had to prepare my own and when they were older, for the kids as well. NOw he has mostly watched tv. I made him take the kids to a park with a hil the other day to get everyone out of the house. I don't remember the last time I had a quiet moment.

It's funny, I go through the same thing except I'm a stay-at-home mom. My husband also travels about 4 days a week. My family isn't local-about an hour away. I occasionally will get help from his family-who are closer by distance to us but I find that it has to be on their terms. It also helps if I do need to ask them to watch the kids that they are always more willing if I offer to make dinner for them-either that night or at a later date when dh is home.
It's a total double standard. Do you have any close friends or neighbors that have small children? I trade babysitting with some of my neighbors occasionally too. I don't know what I'd do without them.
Good luck! I feel your stress!

If your family won't help you and your husband cannot be home then hire someone to come in and help you. Maybe a highschool kid or a college student. If you both work full time then you should be able to afford the help. It would also help if you could go part time so you are not so tired.
Good luck and shame on your families for not being more help.

I get tired of being the strong one too. Some days i have my mom, sisters, friends and kids coming to me for help. It makes you want to scream. But, know that you are doing a great job. Obviously they admire your strength. Although i do hear you. When do we get to play the weak part?

you should just pay a babysitter when you need some time to yourself. Then you get to dictate the times etc. and you won't need to listen to why they can't watch the kids. Sounds like you might need to get one too when your hubby is home too, then you two can go out and forget the stress and enjoy each other's company.

All I can add is to not go out of your way to ever help your family or your husband's in the future... My MIL came to visit when my husband was working across the country and she was supposed to help but nope. Sat w/ her damn feet up half the time, went for a walk right when I needed her etc. Kids were very young. So I will never go out of my way to help her at all no matter what. Yes, I can be vindictive. :) I had a sitter helping me some during that time though so if you can at all afford it, absolutely hire someone. And if not, try to work something out with some other moms - either your friends or your kids' friends' mothers. Slowly but surely I've developed a network where we trade kids sometimes and given we all know what it's like to be the "strong and responsible' ones, it's really great support. Other moms are the only ones who will really understand how you feel.