Not sure which "label" to give you so you understand......anyway, My 4 year old is very uncomfortable in new situations, or ones where she has to be the enter of attention. She usually does not like to get her picture taken, talk to strangers (w me there), she hates doctor and dentist and does not do well with a change in teachers. At home, she is sweet and very witty, as well as with grandparents. At school, they let her watch for about 15 min, don't rush her and she is fine eventually. However, taking her to birthday parties is awkward bc she usually clings to me for most of the time and won't participate. Will she outgrow this? Any ideas? Thx
Keep her outtings small. Have any new person see her with G., you, family friends first to get an idea of seeing the child that you know. She may feel rewarded by this attention-getting or she might really be introverted. Time will tell, unfortunately it may be a waiting game. Good luck
You are describing my 7 yo to a "T". For 4 years (age 2-6) we were told we weren't parenting "right", or punishing enough, etc. We pushed, we watched tantrums and true fear emerge. We backed off, and nothing changed.
He was diagnosed with Aspergers earlier last year.
Sometimes, you can't "punish" it out of them, or hope they outgrow it.
I agree with other posters that you can let birthday parties go until she's either a bit older, or is requesting to go. For everything else, start by confidently telling her that you know she'll do - whatever it is - when she's ready. As in, "You'll join the game when you're ready." It will give her the construct that she can decide to step out of her reserved self when she's ready, and doesn't have to stick with her inertia.
Additionally, give her time to watch, and let it be ok. It sounds like it works well for her at school. (It also sounds like she has a good school!)
If you continue to have concerns, talk to her teachers and doctor. My guess is that she is a very typical 4 year old and this is personality-driven. That said, you know your child best, and if you are feeling very concerned, it never hurts and might help to consult a professional.
I was totally like your daughter as a child. Barring any medical issues, she certainly CAN outgrow it to a degree.
The thing that helped me most was just repeat exposure. I HATED talking to strangers...so my parents made me start ordering my own food at restaurants/fast food. Does she have any friends at the birthday parties? When my daughter is shy at a birthday party, I find a friend she knows and tell her to go say hi to "X." She'll stick around that girl for a while and eventually warm up to the party. We don't have the doctor/dentist issue, but my daughter loves being told she is 'brave' so we compliment her on her bravery for trying out new situations (including her first dentist visit).
She will outgrow it. Just give her time.
You should read ES's post from today. Not the only problem where birthday parties are concerned...
I'll say to you the same thing I said to ES about the parties. Don't take her to them for a year. She needs time to mature. There is no point in going through this, for either of you.
Birthday parties are one thing. The doctor and dentist is totally another. You tell her as you are walking out the door that it's time to see the dentist or doctor (you don't stress her out by telling her the day before) and that if she does not behave and do what you tell her to do, that not only will she be in BIG TROUBLE, she will lose her "currency". That's the threat. She will probably not believe you and will act awful anyway. So you to prove to her that you will not put up with this and show her when you get home what BIG TROUBLE really is.
When you get her home, she goes in her room for the rest of the day. I really mean it. The only thing she gets to do is go to the toilet and eat her lunch in her room. You must be very strict in telling her that she disobeyed you and was rude to the doctor or dentist.
This is the only thing I would punish her for. Why? Because going to the doctor or dentist and cooperating with them is non-negotiable. Part of the reason that she does this is because she is allowed to. When you make a clear distinction in regards to healthcare from everything else, she will "get" that she HAS to deal with this one aspect. Otherwise, when she needs medical care the most, she will not know how to make herself handle it, and then she WILL be traumatized. If you MAKE her handle it now with easy doctor appointments, she will be ready if she hurts herself or gets sick enough to need to go to the hospital.
I had to do this with my son when he decided he didn't want speech therapy anymore. He was 4. Speech therapy cost over $100 per session. He simply refused and cried. Yes, that's different than your daughter. But I did exactly what I am telling you - and it worked. In an hour, he was begging to go back to the clinic. I told him that some other child who behaved was with her and it was too late for him. The next session wouldn't be until Friday. I made him stay in his room just like I had told him I would - NO exceptions. He NEVER did it again. Not for the speech therapist, not for the doctor, not for the dentist, not for the OT. It only took ONCE to let him know that I meant business.
If I hadn't, not only would he have pulled this stunt again, but the therapist would have released us. She cannot spend her time spinning wheels with a non-compliant child.
This is very different advice than I gave ES. A birthday party is totally different. Medical appointments fall into a totally different category. The rest will eventually work itself out as she gets older.
Good luck.
My son is very slow to warm up, would go to big family picnics and sit by himself watching for an hour before joining in. He was OK with doctor, dentist photographer, it was larger groups he didnt like. I'd say he outgrew it around age 7
Hi,
I wish I had tips. My son is similar to this at 6 and a quarter. He does well in school, will finally go to the dentist and doctor, but hates going to parties. If I bring him to any party, he spends about 3/4 of the time clinging to my leg. I do encourage him to participate in as many activities as possible so that he can keep meeting new people and having new experiences. Good luck.
She will likely grow out of this. Both of my girls were very shy and I encouraged that they order their own food or drinks, when they were at restaurants. If we were at a mall and they ask for something, I would give them the money and sit back and let them go order. Four may be a little young to send off tot he woods that way, but once she is about 5 and a half - six, you can give it a try.
My oldest daughter has remained a little more quiet and to herself and my second daughter will now walk up and ask kids if they want to be friends. In February she found a buddy to ride roller coasters with and this weekend she found two different buddies. As well, we needed fabric for her costume and she walked right up to a lady and asked if she would help her with finding the fabric she needs for her costume.
I have found they are often like this when we are around. Many kids act/perform differently around their parents, which is pretty normal. She will adjust.
First make sure you are not projecting any fears you are having on to your child. Or anyone in the family. I'd put her in karate, tumbling or cheerleading class where she can learn to work as a team and gain confidence.
