Just wondering wether i should continue to nagg or just let it be his choice. I've offered to go with but he says he would rather go alone but she's been in for about 2 years now and it's been at least 8mo since he last went. It is 5 mns from our house.
Thanks ladies, you were spot on when you said he had a reason which we have discussed before, his gfather, this dear ladies husband developed Altzimers when my hubby was a teen and visiting gfather in the nursing home was hard. Gma does repeat topics of converstion over and over, but i can't imagine there is much in her life right now that warrants new conversation. She just enjoys the visits. And because she has been such a great role model to my husband I think he should push through any anxiety (with my support) and just go visit. I'm just tired of hearing myself say it.
To those of you that work in nursing homes or visit your loved ones there, God Bless you!
Suggest everyone goes out for lunch then as you drive by on the way home, say HEY, we should stop in to see her. It has been so long.
Unless he really puts his foot down. Just do it.
I would just go visit by myself or bring your kids along. You really can't make him go.
I think that's sad. Does she have anyone else who visits her? If it were my husband I would not nag and let him make the decision but if his Grandmother is aware of what is going on I'm sure it means the world to her. Maybe you could consider stopping by on occasion even if your husband doesn't want to.
If he won't go, take your kids and go so they can see their great-grandma. Mother's Day in a couple weeks is a super excuse to go. Let him know you'd like to stop there that day and if he doesn't want to go, tell him you'll just stop by for a bit with your kids.
My grandma has been in senior care for four years now and recently moved an Alzheimer's care center. No one visits her other than our immediate family (my parents, our family). It's like her other kids and relatives couldn't care less. It's incredibly sad.
I visited last weekend and she couldn't remember who my daughter and I were initially, but that was ok. It clearly brightened her day to have the visit, even if she won't remember it in the long run. She basically just sits and stares at the walls all day (mine refuses to participate in the activities), so visits are so incredibly important. Her memory is going, but I can tell you, when my mom reminds her the names of her other kids, the one thing she says about them is, "Oh, those are those rotten kids who never visit."
Make the visit. You won't regret it.
That is really sad, but I know it is hard for some people to handle. I love elderly folks and feel like they are deserving of all the love and attention we can give them. If it is hard for your husband to stomach the idea of a nursing home, perhaps you could go by and talk to the staff and see if there are times that he could come when she would be in a common area or living room. Maybe that would be easier for him than seeing her in a small room with just a bed and a few personal effects. Or, depending on her condition, maybe he could take her out for a walk or to lunch. Maybe there is a nice patio or outside area where he could visit with her when the weather is nice.
No matter what, if you are okay with it, it would be wonderful for you and your children to visit. Let them color pictures for her or bring her flowers. Any reminders that she is thought of would probably make her feel loved.
If your husband can't make himself visit, cards, letters, photos, or thoughtful treats would at least let her know he cares, and would give him a chance to tell her he misses her but just has a hard time with her being there.
Keep encouraging him. It doesn't have to be nagging when it's done in love.
:)
This is a huge pet peeve of mine. People forget the elderly. It's horribly to feel abandoned and uncared about by family members. I worked in a nursing home for 2.5 years when I was in my early 20s. I learned early on how important it is to remember the elderly. Now that I'm 45 I think about the time that I will be in that boat and I would be livid and hurt if my own family members abandoned me because it was easier for THEM not to come see me. They have their whole life ahead of them. If I was near the end of my years it would be obvious who should make the effort.
I know when my grandmother was dying in the hospital I was up there nearly every day, and I had a young son, single and worked full time. My mother was there every day. My one brother was away in the Marines so he couldn't be there but my oldest brother was there in town and only came up when she was still sitting up doing fine and then he didn't go much. After she went into a coma and was out for weeks before passing my brother wouldn't go up to see her because it was too hard on HIM. Seriously? She heard us. I know she did. She'd calm down when she was in pain when we'd talk in her ear and stroke her hair. My brother was a coward, too afraid to see her. I guess this is why woman are the stronger sex. We're the ones who sit vigil when men can't/won't.
Tell him he should go or you'll be ashamed of him. That's what I'd tell my husband. I'd be ashamed of him for not going and it would be something that would affect our marriage because it would show the character of man he was which isn't much if he couldn't see his own grandmother. I pray my children and grandchildren don't abandon me in my last years.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
You don't mention how their relationship is. From what you do mention, I think it's completely horrible that she is 5 min. from your house & he hasn't been there in 8 months. Shame on him. You should continue to nag him. My grandma is in a nursing home, I visit her & call her regularly. Nursing homes are depressing places. So many people are forgotten about, it's a very pitiful way for one to spend his last years...if no one visits him. Give your husband a kick in the butt. If he won't go, you should go yourself.
Go without him and visit her. My husband's grandfather is in a nursing home 10 minutes from our house. I go at least 3 times a month and he goes occassionally with me. Oppa has dementia and my husband is having a really hard time with it. I go more often b/c I don't "know" who he was "before" so it's not as hard for me to go and make conversation with someone who doesn't really remember who I am most of the time. For my husband, it's painful. He'll go with me every couple of months (which is better than his brother who hasn't seen him in years) and I have stopped nagging.
There's a good chance that he simply doesn't want to think of her as needing assisted living, especially if she's declined rapidly. I had a hard time wrapping my head around it too and was angry at my husband for not going, but after a chat with him realized that while it was not "my choice" to go infrequently, his reasons were his own and I respect them.
It is HARD to do ... not all people and not all men are made to do this. I could not do this for my gma and already knowing this my family told me they rather I did not go. My hunny's gma is currently in a nursing home 10 min from the house and he knows it is HIS choice in my opinion, however his mother (whom we live with) forces him to go and I think this makes it worse. He needs to leave it the way he needs to. Most people that are in a home are no longer themselves and it is not fair to ask your husband to replace his memories of her with these memories ... these are the memories that stick longer and stronger than the happy ones most often.
I think all you can say is " Honey, I really don't want you to have any regrets once she is gone". Then say no more about it. You have done all you can.
He may have a hard time seeing her in that condition. My mother has dementia and doesn't know anyone. She moved into a secured facility last fall. They have seen her three times since then. My parents live about 6 hours from us. After this last visit and my daughter almost hyperventilating from crying, I told my kids they don't have to go if they are uncomfortable. I want them to remember their grandmother as a vibrant, life loving person who worshiped the ground they walked on. My mom was amazing! She would not want them to see her like this. So no, don't nag. He just might not be able to do it.
I also think that is very sad that he hasn't been to visit her in so long. Maybe he has some underlying reasons why he hasn't? My mother just passed away and she was in a nursing home out of state from me. I went to visit her every chance I got which of course was never enough for me. Maybe trying a little more to talk to him to find out why? There has to be some reason why he is hesitant to go see her and he just hasn't told you about it? Maybe it's just very hard for him to see her that way and he just needs time. I know that it was very hard for me to see my Mother that way. I agree with DAZ...maybe you can stop by for a visit sometime. At least she will know that someone is thinking about her and hopefully in time your hubby will come through. :)
It's so hard to see loved ones declining. I am sure he remembers her as a healthy vibrant woman who loved and cared for him as a child and he can't bear to see her sick and weak. Please encourage him to go visit if nothing else to thank her for always being there for him. It will help him so much if has a chance to talk to her before she passes. He won't regret it.
