Any Recommendations for Changing Visitation?

This is a complicated situation but I will try and do my best in a short email. I was a single parent for 7 years and have 2 sons (now grown) so I can relate. At about 12 years old or maybe a little earlier, the Calif courts allow children to make their own decisions about visitation and who they want to live with. There are pluses and minuses to this.

I would suggest you have a heart to heart with your 13 yr old and ask him what he really wants. Have him make up a list of the pros and cons of reducing his visit time with his Dad.Get permission from him for you to give him your opinion but act as a consultant rather than "This is what you have to do." I would still encourage him to have some contact with the Dad. Both for his brothers sake and his own. You never know, there is always the possibility for change.

Once the two of you have a plan, make a date to discuss this with the Dad. This will not be easy for anyone, but if you don't involve your son and give him the opportunity to make decisions in his own life, he will continue to feel powerless which is what he feels now.

If would like more help privately, you can go to my website: www.janadaclark.com and contact me as I do work with families in similar situations.

Sincerely,
J. Clark, MA
Parent Educator and Wellness Coach

I would suggest that you seek a more consistent schedule. A lot of the new agreements try so hard to be fair to both parents that the kids really get the short end of the deal. You should seek full or joint custody w/ you having primary placement. The boys should be at home with you, visit dad one day during the week (like after school through just before a reasonable bedtime provided homework is done) and then every other weekend. Leave yourselves the "any other agreeable times" as wiggle room you may need. I don't think the two boys should be on different schedules unless they really want something different because wouldn't that further the difference in their treatment? Your 13 yr old is definately old enough to have a say (in my opinion, so is the 10 yr old).

Based on what you say, your ex might want an easier visitation schedule with the kids. Depending on your relationship with him now, you might want to see if he wants an "easier" visitation schedule. The more he thinks it's his idea for a lighter schedule the easier it will be. Plus your kids are getting old enough for a legal say in the matter.