Any Ideas on How to Get My 12 Year Old Daughter to Open up to Me?

Try going out to dinner with just her. Then maybe to get your nails done. Share something with her about something not so much fun to remember as a 12 year old. Then be patient. I have 5 daughters. I am close and friends with all of them. Time will show her that you will be the one who is always there and be on her side no matter what. Love is an action word. God Bless T.

My best friend (who is about 12 years older than me and had raised her kids years before my daughter started driving me bonkers) gave me the best advice when I went through those horrible years with my daughter. She told me that all kids lose their minds at around 12 and don't really get it back again until they are close to 18. She went into more detail but that was the bottom line and I can tell you that if it wasn't for Susette my daughter probably wouldn't have lived to see 14. I'm not saying your daughter is BAD, I'm saying that at 12 years old they become these people that you don't even know and however easy they were to figure out as children, I got to where I couldn't even remember a time when we could relate to each other.

12 is such a rough age for girls. They really don't want you in their business but deep down they wish they could ask for your advice on SO many things. It was really hard for my daughter and me, and she broke my heart many times when I found out things she was doing that she could never come and talk to me about.

She is now 23 years old and really the best woman I know. She is a hard worker and extremely sensible. It's very hard for her, remembering the things she put me through, I know she has many regrets, but she really is my best friend now and I try to ease her mind about it.

You will likely go through similar issues with your son (at 10 years old there was NO evidence of what I was in for with him), but just remember, the loss of the mind is temporary and I have not known a kid YET not to go through it.

Good Luck!

Dear K.
In my 14 years of working with mothers and girls coming-of-age, I found that there is something that we, as mothers, overlook: we expect something from our adolescent girls that we ourselves don't give... we don't confide in them, but expect them to confide in us... I certainly refer ONLY to age-appropriate confiding on our part.
Instead of expecting her to tell you about school, how about modeling it by sharing your own memories of struggles and triumphs at middle school?! Confiding with her about what used to bother you at her age, how you overcame it, what would you have done differently -- will all pave the way for her willingness to share with you. Soon you may be surprised to find she is reciprocating your gesture...

Blessings on your journey,
D. L.

I've worked with jr. high girls for years as a volunteer mentor at our church (my husband is the jr. high youth pastor). Do lots of listening. LOTS OF LISTENING. We tend to jump in and advise right away -- they just want to be heard. Listen. Empathize. Sympatize. Ask thinking questions? i.e. "has your friend ever done anything like this before?", "did you tell her you were upset?", "what do you think she would say if she knew how you felt?", " is there anything that you think you could have done differently?", "how do you think you can repair this friendship?", "so what are you going to do?". And when you think she's done, ask "has this conversation helped you at all?"

It's going to take a long time for her to start talking so you can start listening more. But me patient -- AND DON'T PUSH!!!

I once asked my jr. high girls, "so why is it easier to talk to me than your parents?". They said. . .you actually listen and you stop what you're doing to listen, you really pay attention.

Hope this helps. Oh, and if you are not a Believer in Jesus Christ, let me encourage you, there is no better Comforter and Adviser in raising your children. It will change your life. Confide in Him, confess He is Lord.

Hi. My name is J.. I have a 17yr. old son and 14 yr. old daughter. Just a year or so ago, I had the same question, but now am enjoying a new wonderful closeness. I believe this age like two or three, is a time for establishing independence and growing in every way. She has to grow apart from you to become herself, just for awhile. She doesn't like it either. But you can help her by not making any of your own, even subtle, emotional demands. If you do anything like ask for a hug, insist on a kiss, ask too many questions that makes her feel pressured to be your emotional strength when you should be hers. Make sure she has plenty of Dad time or if that is not possible, plenty of time with even another grown-up. Be frank and to the point, unashamed of your love for her, and yet not expecting anything back just now. IT WILL RETURN. Help her find her passion. She is looking for herself. It is good you have photography. I have painting. They feel relieved to know we Moms have a life, so they don't have to be it for us. What a burden for them otherwise. But, make it clear that they are the priority. My kids know I am serious about painting, but they also know that they can walk up to me ANY time and have my complete attention. I used to tell them frankly and calmly with no strings attatched, "You are my first priority. That's why I do my work before you get home." ("Whatever, Mom.") Now that they have heard and seen it, they believe it. Now that I told my daughter that "I have a billion squeezy hugs to torture you with incase you ever need one," but did not insist on grabbing her to make myself feel better, she has come back to claim some of those hugs. Only if I don't say the phrase "squeezy hug" though. Just in your own way, show interest and encouragement but don't crowd her. You can do it. J.

is she naturally shy? I didn't like to talk about things much at that age either. My mom and I communicated about touchy subjects through notes under our pillows a couple times. If each of you have your own e-mail accounts, that may work as well. Basically just keep reasuring her that you are there if she feels like talking.

this is just part of her growing. You talk she's listening but not letting u know it. If she doesnt want to talk wait until she is. She will make mistakes but you will be there. I work as an office manager of public middle school. I have a son 14 and a daughter 17 who did the same and we are back to discussing personal things again. She just wants to make sure she isnt you. She is her own person.

Some girls unlike guys keep things to themselves. Nobody believed anything I said, and that is what could be happening to her. I don't have girls, only boys. They don't always tell me everything. I tried to tell my uncle something, he wouldn't listen to me. He is a true scrooge. Some girls believe they will be laughed at, or worried about being judged. I can't believe things that come out of my son's mouth, he exaggerates things. Maybe that is wrong with your daughter. Mothers don't like their children to hang around certain people, parents have better judgement than they do. I hope this helped.

Each kid is different. Don't take it personally. Just keep asking questions and take what you can get. If a topic comes up share your experiences but don't expect a lot of response. If you make a big deal about it she'll just close up more. It's amazing how much they actually do listen to what you say, as long as you keep it short and sweet with no lectures. If you're close overall she'll likely share more when she's an adult. My oldest is the most closed, but I'll get little tidbits here and there and the older he gets the more he shares. I made the mistake of worrying about it when he was young and overreacting to it. Just love her, love her, love her!

This is the hardest time of any child's life: the are still children but their bodies deny that. So much confusion and emotions. I have worked with many middle schoolers and the best thing is to just be there. Don't pry, but encourage. Let her know if she needs you, you're there but you understand that she is growing up. This will acknowledge her position/emotions yet also your's as her mom. Hope this helps alittle.

HI,

The best thing that worked for me was to get out and do something with them. Go shopping or for a walk or lunch and talk as friends, not as mother and daughter. You will eventually gain her trust. It amazes me how much my daughter will open up to me now. The hardest thing is to not judge or scold. I do my best to just listen and be supportive no matter how hard it is for me to hear what she has to say. Sometimes I am just a nervous wreck inside, but she is a great girl and always makes the right decisions. She is in middle school and now has her first boyfriend. I smiled and was happy for her, but inside I was falling apart. My baby having a boyfriend? It took me two days to really be at peace with it. I never told her it was killing me inside, and I am glad I didn't. It is nice that she will tell me what is bothering her at school or with her dad(my ex).

Sorry to tell you - this is normal for 12 year old girls. Best advice is set firm limits, be consistent, but empathetic as well. Let her know you were once there. Tell her TRUTHFULLY about your experience - even if you did bad stuff - make sure to tell her what you learned from the bad stuff - and make sure its PG-13 ;)
Good Luck. And remember - this is the age when girls are at their peak of self-centeredness. Everything she she says and does has very little to do w/ you - its all about her right now and how she sees herself in the world.
Also Mary is right on w/ her advice.

I would try having a special journal for just the two of you. You can start writing things for her and leave it under her pillow, then when she gets it she can write anything she'd like and give it back to you under your pillow. that way she doesn't get embarressed with anythings she might have to say or questions she has. You can even tell her that anything she write will not be brought up during conversation unless she wants to. You can ask her her questions on life, I'd start with broad questions, and once she answers give your breif opinon. This way you'll know what she thinks and you'd be able to still give her advice. You might be surprised how much more she has to say once she just has to write it! I've known people this worked for and always thought it was a special thing for a mother and daughter to do! I hope that works.

Hi K.,

Well first thing you need to establish is whether or not her being withdrawn is normal preteen behavior or whether it is a bigger problem. The first sign of any kind of traumatic experience is usually to become withdrawn and try to block out what the real problem is. If you do not feel that this is the problem then I would simply let your daughter know that the lack of communication is troubling or even upsetting you and tell her that you hope she will eventually open up to you. As a mom of a preteen and teenager myself Iknow that it is a constant rollercoaster. Anytime your children dont wanna talk to you it is best that you just let them know that you used to be a kid and that your experiences gave you the knowledge to help them through whatever it is they experience. I hope this is helpful to you.

B. C

K.,
We are in the same boat! My daughter is 12.5 and it hasn't been easy. This I can say...I usually do all of the talking. She usually sits quietly and doesn't respond but I know she hears me. I believe the important thing is to be as open with her as you are comfortable. This is the age where young girls are easily influenced by their peers. Talk to her about your fears and concerns. Always remind her how much she means to you. There comes a point in parenting where we can talk until we are blue in the face (me) and just have to pray for the best. So far I'm lucky. My daughter is doing well in school, has a few close friends.

Just know that you are not alone out there! I'm right there with you!

Very cool about your job. Being a happy mother and role model is always a good start for raising daughters, as is wanting to be tuned in and supportive.

Some of the best advice I've read on communication was in Parenting A Gifted Child, by James Webb, et al, so I will quote a few nuggets.

"You can't force your child to communicate with you... change your thinking to "How can I encourage my child to want to communicate with me?" You must not expect instant total communication. The more you push, the more she will retreat. Privacy is a legitimate need of adolescents too. Reading about adolescence, if you haven't already, will help remind you why she is moody and that it may not mean a big problem is going on. You can leave these books out where she can find them so whe might borrow them, if she's curious. We've had discussions about adolescence in our house so that our kids understand it's just a time of mood swings, and they will grow of if it, just as they grew into it. So, we will try to give them space and support while it is going on, and they should cut themselves some slack too. Our son changed almost over night into a more moody child - it was a crack up. His sister is observing this textbook case of adolescence, thinking it won't happen to her, but it will!

Tips to fostering communication include 1) recognize and express authentic feelings yourself, including negative feelings (sounds like you do.)

2) Check in re: how we are being perceived by our children. This is also something we talk about openly in our house and I make adjustments to how I communicate, based on my kids feedback, even if I think they are overreacting, because people's needs for support not necessarily a rational thing. This builds our relationship too. Perhaps your daughter is feeling your support and that's enough. Perhaps "expectant praise" might feel best to her, acknowleding the big changes she's going through, how proud you are of her coping with these transitions, and explore how if she is feeling your support and/or if there is anything else you can do for her because you love her. Spending quality time together, even if she is not sharing feeligs, might mean a lot to her.

The mood swings are going to be there -- perhaps you're doing a better job than you think! Maybe what it is is that she's an adolescent, and your son is not. My son's relationship with me changed when he hit adolescence and I'm realizing it's not personal. We're still close, it's just different now.

Good luck,
D.