Any Help on Getting Through Miscarriages?

oh sweetie! my heart feels for you! know that you are not alone! I have had 5 miscarriages in the past five years and still undergoing fertility workups. very difficult to get through especially following a miscarriage. no one can attest to that better than someone who actually experienced it. understanding that perhaps it is not "my time" yet keeps me going and it's great that the other halves are supportive and understanding. I find myself lashing out at times and just plain unhappy and depressed. it is a normal part of grieving. only time will heal and although it may seem like a cliche, it's true! take it from me! :) if you need someone to talk to, let me know! take care!

I have so been there. I also had two miscarriages within a year and it was the worst year of my life. Many people don't understand it so you are lucky you have a supportive hubby. Just keep talking to him about it so you don't keep it all inside. It was hard for me to be around kids also. In fact, two months after my miscarriage my sister in law announced she was pregnant. It was hard to be happy for her. I finally got pregnant again and now I have a 3 y/o. I think they have support groups for miscarriages online. That and time should help it get better. I don't think you ever really get over it, but it does get better.

Find a "grief support group" in your area.
It is really important... for anyone who has a loss....
that is what my Mom did, when my Dad died. It helped her immensely. There were people attending that had all kinds of "losses." She made many new good friends there.

Next, thankfully your Partner is so loving about it... so, allow him to take care of you.... or maybe you don't feel like being loved right now, so you lash out at him... or the stress is just too much, and people often take out their frustrations on those closest to us....

Regardless, let him comfort you, and talk with him too, instead of turning inward. Remember.... MEN ALSO have reactions to a miscarriage too... it is not easy for them, either. So, he probably needs you too....

I say this, because I had a miscarriage once. Before I had my son.
It still pops up in my mind sometimes... but the angst and sadness is now faded. BUT, my Husband, also was deeply affected... in his own way. So I also had to understand, that it is NOT just a woman's experience & loss, but your partner's too.

I would really try to find a grief support group....to work through it and instead of taking it out on your Fiancee.

As an aside: it is illegal to fire someone for being pregnant. It is 'discrimination.' If you look it up online, you will see much about it.

All the best,
Susan

I am so sorry for the loss of your little ones. I had two stillbirth children in one year. It took a long time to totally feel back to normal. Even then, there are days when I still miss them.

I know I wouldn't have made it through without my faith. I can't tell you how many hours I spent praying. I am Catholic and we believe that we can pray with those that have died, so I would hold a small piece of their blankets and pray. We believe we all come together during Mass and celebrate together, so I went to Mass often. I decided that if God was my perfect Father, then I would ask him to help me get through. He absolutely did.

One thing I found out was that I really had to start taking care of my self better. I found this wonderful doctor who listened. He explained that the stress was very hard on my body and that I needed to take extra good care of myself during this stressful time. He had me eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and cut back on red meats. He asked that I get exercise at least four times a week and just take some time for myself. That all helped. I also found that the stress had knocked my hormones out of wack so I had to supplement them for awhile.

This Mother's Day will be the fourth year since my little Theresa's death. I try to remember that she was born for a special reason. God gave her to me to get me to heaven. I may not understand the whole thing, but I know someday I will hold her again in heaven and then I will know why.

You can get through this. Ask your babies to pray for you. In the mean time I will pray.

J.-

I am so sorry for your losses and the pain that you are going through right now. I had three miscarriages in one year, had a successful pregnancy two years ago, and another miscarriage just this November so I do understand to some extent your feelings. It seemed like everybody around me was getting pregnant, having babies, talking about babies, etc and it really was hard to not be able to participate in the happiness. I'm not "over" any of the losses but they are not front and center anymore and I have a lot that I can be grateful for.

I think that you have taken a great first step in reaching out through this site to ask for help. One of the things that really struck me once I started opening up about my miscarriages was just how common they are. Although it's a terrible thing for any woman, it was somehow comforting for me to know that I was not alone. Please continue to reach out and as other folks have noted, a formal support group or a counselor may be really helpful to you.

Secondly, although it may be hard at first, this is a great time to take care of yourself in those ways that you may not have for awhile: go work out, get a massage, go out to dinner with friends. While it won't take away your pain, it will allow you some moments to focus on other aspects of your life.

Finally, have you considered having some sort of ceremony for the babies you lost? Maybe planting a rosebush or a tree (or some flowers in a windowbox) in their memory or lighting some candles with your fiancee? It can be so hard to wrap your mind around the loss and having a more formal acknowledgement may give you and your fiancee another way to express your grief.

Take good care of yourself!

J.,
I'm so sorry for your losses. I have had several miscarriages.
I would definitely seek out a support group for grief. Your local funeral home or cemetery may be able to point you in the right direction.
You might also want to speak to your doctor about your depression. I'm not big on meds but you may not need to suffer this severely. Please talk to your OB/GYN or family practitioner about your feelings. Grief is normal and you must go through it to get past it. But this pain seems like it is still very very new to you and is effecting your life in a large way.
When I had my 3rd miscarriage, the wisest words I received were form my older, childless brother. Not much of a talker, but when he says something it's usually notable. I told him I was sick of hearing people tell me "It's natures way of taking care of things" "there was probably something wrong with the baby" etc etc etc. I know people mean well, but I said that my husband & I would have loved the babies NO MATTER what was wrong with them. His words of wisdom to me were "you may have loved the baby no matter what but you may not have been able to HANDLE what was wrong with the baby--it could have led to future depression, divorce, suicide, lots of things..we can't see what may have been down the road...we just need to trust that someone larger than us is in control and things happen for a reason, even if we can't see the reason at the time."
Best of luck to you. God Bless!

I'm so sorry for your losses. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and please know that I am there for you.
As far as getting fired for being pregnant, do you have anything written down? It's illegal to fire someone for that!!! I would contact a lawyer and let them know what went on- usually the initial meet is free of charge so you can get advice on where to go from there.
Good luck, and again, my thoughts are with you.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Have you maybe joined a support forum? There are a lot out there:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag

Here is a support group in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Maybe speaking with a counselor can help you grieve and bring back some normalcy in your life.

a few helpful articles:

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/ht...

http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/24339/How-to-cope-w...

I don't have any really wise answers about how you can get through the pain of grieving the loss of your pregnancies. I had a miscarriage many years ago and went through some real pain too. I know I finally got it under control, but can't begin to tell you how I did that.
I do want to ask about that business of you being fired for being pregnant though. I've always thought that was totally illegal. It might help you just to put your efforts into pursuing that aspect. Find out if it is actually illegal and what you may be able to do about the fact that you were fired. You'll want to start on this right away, because the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to do anything about it.

I would call your obgyn and tell them what is going on....it may be that you need some meds to get your hormones back in track or that you might need to see someone to sort things out and get what you are holding inside out...your obgyn should have someone that they reccommend for you to go to...I know that our fertility specialist has someone just in case..since for me miscarriage was a common thing....besides losing your job.....losing a child is even more painful and I know what you must be feeling right now....you will get out of hole you are in....right now it just seems like you can't get out and everyone wants you to stay there...and that is far from the truth. Please call your dr to get that help that you need.

I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my baby in 2006 after my husband and I had tried for 3 years to conceive. It has been 4 years since my loss and I teared up reading your story. Your pain will never go away, but it does get easier. I am so happy to hear that your fiancee is so awesome. That helps!
There is a web site that I use daily called twoweekwait.com, the women on there are absolutely WONDERFUL!!!! The website covers everything. There are support groups for pretty much everything involving a womans life. Check it out. They have forums that are dedicated just to losses. Its nice to have the support of your fiancee, but it is also nice to be able to rant to these ladies online just to get everything off of your chest.
Chin up!

my poor mama. my heart breaks for you - i remember my two lost little ones. there is no set pattern for how long you "should" go through this but i would suggest finding a support group to help you grieve. you may want to see a therapist. i had the support of therapist friends who reminded me that my losses were real and needed to take care of myself. if you are still having moodswings, maybe your hormones are not balanced yet and you could use some help from an herbalist or doctor.
just a thought.
S.

I went through this when I had my one miscarriage. what helped me was to get pregnant again. which may not be an option for you. my miscarriage was caused by a uti. it ate the baby up. what is causing yours do you know can you find out? your emotions are normal I found a miscarriage forum to find out this was normal. It hasnt been that long give yourself some time. some girls get tatoos in memory of thier lost baby. some set up memorials. this is almost the same as a post partum depression in some ways. get an antidepressant no shame in it. you may not need it very long.

looking at baby clothes will p*** you off pregnant women will p*** you off you will hate them this is normal and a healing emotion. I know it is normal to lash out at the person you love the most but the loss is as great to him as it is to you. in some cases worse. in my other halfs case it was worse he had 3 kids the moms wouldnt let him see his kids. one because she was a controlling b**** and one just dissapeared with his kid so it was harder for him than me.

talk to him and tell him not to take it offensive. he has the same emotions going they just dont show it. Check into antidepressants you may not need them long. after his 16 yr old diedmy other half had to do antidepressants for 2 months now he doesn't need them and he is as normal as can be considering he lost a kid. it still effects him but doesnt overwelm him llike it did at first. please check into them. find a support group. wether it be forum style like I did or in person. good luck I will pray for you

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarrige one and I felt the same, that my world feel apart and I kept thinking that maybe if I have done something different, I could prevent it. I learned to let go. It's not your fault.
I also know my brother's friend, who was expecting and a month of so before the baby is born, the umbilical cord, went and the baby's neck and the baby died. When my brother told me, I was in tears. How can you ask the mother to go have a baby, only to bury your own child. I am not trying to get you depress telling you this. But just letting you know that there are many of us out there that has to go through hard and tough situations. I now have a beautiful baby girl. I heard from my brother that his friend, also had another baby ;-). I also know my ex-collegue had her fallopian tube removed and she now has 2 girls. Hang in there. The greatest suport you can find through all this is your fiancee. It's good that he is there for you.

All the best.

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages also, the first one was a little after a year of marriage, we were so happy with our first baby! and in the third or fourth week we lost the baby. Then I had my boy and got pregnant again, sure enough it happened again. I then got pregnant with the my second boy and everything went fine. After that I had my girl. It's been almost 12 years ago and although the pain is gone, I do think about them. The saying that says 'time heals all wounds' is right, only time will help you feel better. You need to know that this is nothing you or your fiancee did wrong! you don't need to blame yourself or your fiancee! I know that it is hard and that you want to air out and get your frustrations out, but your fiancee is not the best person to do it with. Try to see if you can find a professional therapist or a counselor to talk to.
I don't think I could've gone through it and get my strength back if it wasn't because of my faith! Instead of getting mad at God and pointing fingers at Him, I drew closer to Him! I pray and I pray hard, I asked for peace, for strength, for wisdom, and for the pain to be gone. I praised Him because I knew He was an awesome God and no matter what, He was going to bless me!
There is nothing wrong with you crying, that's how you are able to let out!
But if you can, see if you can go to a church and find some counsel there, if not try professional help. That doesn't mean you are crazy, it means you are hurting and you need to find out how to let it all out without hurting the people you love. I'll be praying for you. And remember, one day you will see those babies in heaven!
Blessings

J.,
I am so sorry for your losses. I have also experienced both - a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. I can tell you that it is still totally possible to have children. Also, that it is illegal for an employer to fire you on the grounds that you are pregnant. Time will heal your pain but it does sound as though you are having so much trouble coping it is negatively affecting your life - I would suggest talking to a professional - someone who can offer you concrete suggestions for moving forward. In the meantime, you might try journaling - you could even write to your babies and tell them how you are feeling. It helped me to keep in mind that my babies went right back to heaven - that they just were not ready for earth.
Very best,
N.

god bless you and you will be in my prayers.

Dear J.,
I'm so sorry you're feeling badly and have suffered this loss. You've had some wonderful replies, but I wanted to bring up a point I didn't see addressed.
First, I suffered a horrible miscarriage in November 2005. It was prolonged and horrible and really emotionally scarring. I still ache to think about it and feel blue that time of year, even though I had a healthy baby daughter almost exactly a year later! One does not replace the other.
I wanted to mention how hard it was on my relationship and to ask you not to take that for granted either. My husband didn't understand why I was still sad months later. I think he even said "well, now we get to try again!" That was so far from my thinking! I remember thinking that up until that time, all we had done and experienced together had brought us closer-- moving in together, aligning careers and goals, getting married, and now this was something he simply couldn't understand and there was no way to really share the experience. It took a lot of time for this phase to pass. We went to therapy a couple of times and this helped quite a bit. It also helped when I became more proactive about healing myself. If you're not there yet, don't worry about it. Just stay clear with your man about what you're feeling and what you need. If you know someone else who's had a miscarriage and can put your fiance in touch with that person's partner, that might help.
Last, I also encourage you to have your hormone levels checked. This might be part of your moodswings and feeling of helplessness.
Take time and be kind to yourself.

I try to reply to this topic whenever it comes up.
I feel like an expert on the topic - I had an ectopic pregnancy the first month my hubby and I decided to try getting pregnant - it was right before the Holidays like yours and all the Christmas carols about newborn babies drove me INSANE! We had a baby boy the next year almost to the day - he was preemie - which added a little to my feelings of inadequacy as a new mom. When we were ready to go for baby #2 I thought it would be a breeze - I had 3 miscarriages in 1 year and got laid off 1 month after the 2nd. I had to kick and scream to get in to see an infertility specialist to rule out physical issues. They didn't find anything wrong with me or hubby - so then I figured I am such a terrible mommy the Universe won't let me screw up another life! We have Kaiser so in order to get help with my emotional issues I had to see my GP Dr. first so I made an appointment for a physical and to have a few suspicious moles looked at - wheil I was there I said - By the way - I feel like killing myself, I've had 4 miscarriages and Dr. referred me to a therapist. It helped a lot just to talk with someone and to feel like I was taking steps to take care of myself. I don't feel comfortable in a support group type setting - but this website and friends and getting back in the gym helped.
Take one day at a time. Your hormones are definitely a mess for at least 3 months afterward. I was so mad at God, I stopped praying completely for a long time and I don't think I laughed much for about 6 months - my son helped a lot - sometimes he would just walk up to me and hug me or touch my face.
miscarriages are normal and super common - but they are a dark secret in most families - it's just not talked about. I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom - I knew she had an ectopic before I was born - found out she had 2 miscarriages after I was born - my grandma had 3 and my aunt had a stillborn boy.
A good friend of mine has had several miscarriages ane we talk a lot - when I was at my lowest she sent me a message out of the blue telling me to hang on to hope and someday I would hold my new baby and KNOW that she was meant to be a part of my family. She was right - I had a baby girl last Nov. and we are all madly in love with her.
If you have insurance - go see a specialist to check for a physical issue - a lot of them can be resolved and get into therapy or a support group - make the time for it! Also - take care of yourself - I can't afford a massage so I get pedicures and take a yoga class at my gym. Get busy healling yourself you are worth it! Hey, I had my babies at 35 and 40 it just took some work.
have your fiancee give you a hug from me.
feel free to contact me if you want to talk or have ??

Hi J.,
So sorry 4 ur loss, I feel ur pain! I recently had a miscarrige 2. That was my 1st ever,and it does hurt so bad. I do have 4 other kids but it still hurts to lose a baby. Me and my husband were so happy when we found out we were having another baby,We were going thru some ruff times in our relationship that when we found out about the baby it got us closer 2gether.
we made plans to move to Florida so i left 1st to find us a house 2 live in . But like after 3 weeks of me being over there I ended up losing my baby on March 30th,2010. I also cryed so much !,I was by myself with out him by my side to lean on. I called him from the hospital and he started crying so bad, He couldnt believe it. He told me 4get about finding a place and to come back home to NJ. So I did. ..Anyways about u lashing out on him try not to do that. I know its hard But please just try. He is also hurting as much as u. Take to each other about it and think positive dont give up honey. I still cry too.i know its hard. Find some help for the both of u i think it would help u both. I dont think anyone would get over losing a baby,I think some learn how to control the pain with talking to someone close to u like ur husband and some other type of help for people that has had loss in their lives.

My best wishes 2 u and ur husband.
I PRAY 4 the both of U,and the ANGEL BABYS THAT ARE WITH GOD NOW. GOOD LUCK HONEY!!