My soon to be 5yr old is going to begin our custody schedule arrangement shortly and I am feeling concerned with how this transition will go for him. He has never spent the night with his father without me but does enjoy going with dad. He is also very attached to me. Our plan is what they refer to as a 'step-up' plan so it will not happen overnight but gradually with time increasing. He will begin seeing him with longer days and then after some time will spend one night with him and then it eventually ends with a four night stretch with dad.
I hate even thinking of him suffering in any way wanting mommy and what not so I just really would appreciate any advice as to how I can help him with this transition.
Is there anyone out there who has ever dealt with a 'step-up' plan with a child of or near this age and if there are, what helped you and your child with the new change? I would greatly appreciate any input. Thanks!
I'm sorry I don't have any advice because I don't have any experience with this, but... I'm N. G., so... get your own user name!
And I mean that with all the kindness in the world. :)
I am a veteran of the co-parenting and visitation thing.
Is it always easy? No.
But, one thing I can promise you is that if you are okay with it, your child will be okay. You cannot think of him as "suffering" without you. You cannot relay those feelings or treat him as though he will somehow be "broken" by this.
It sounds like this is being handled slowly and in small increments so your child can adjust to the transitions.
He needs your encouragement. He needs to know that things will slowly change over time. He needs to NOT worry about how YOU are going to handle it.
You love him. You will miss him when he's gone. You want him to have a great time with his dad and you will always be there, waiting for him to come home. You will be fine. He doesn't need to worry about you. You will always be there, no matter how far away he goes.
I left my husband before my son was even two years old. Talk about ripping your heart out to let go of your baby for visitation. It's hard.
My son is 17 now and he has a great relationship with both me and his dad.
I was definitely the strong one. In the beginning, my ex husband tried to use it against me that our son only cried when he had to leave his father and he never cried when he had to leave me. My son didn't cry because I didn't cry. My ex showed his immaturity while I was the strong, steady, and stable one. My son had no insecurity issues when it came to me.
Seriously, I know it's not going to be easy, but you have to know that your son can be strong if you are. It will make transitions much easier on your child so that he doesn't have to worry about adult things. He can adjust to having a relationship with both parents and be okay.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart and wish you well.
I think at 5y/o your son will be fine w/out Mommy overnight...especially if he knows his Dad. Has he spent a lot of time w/his Dad? If I were you, I would make sure you treat this as something super exciting and play up how fun it is going to be...and things should be fine.
If you start in with the 'Mommy will miss you, call me if you need me, it will only be for a short time, etc.' stuff you are basically asking him to be nervous, so don't do that!
~I don't know about 'step up' visitation but when my SS's were little (5 & 3), the youngest had to go home to his Mom before the oldest for about 6 months, (until he was 4) b/c the Mom was insistent on the fact that he just couldn't handle 2 whole nights w/out her.
I didn't have a 'step-up' plan, but I do know from experience that your son will look to you for how he should handle this.
So, definitely you need to verbalize to him that this is a GOOD thing for him.
Are you on talking terms with his dad? Can you go over to his new room and help him get settled in?
I found it helped my daughter to call me not right before bed when she was tired.... but earlier - right after dinner.
I also made my daughter a calendar with each day so that she knew exactly what was going to happen. If you have good communication with your ex.... you can put things on there like what he will have for dinner when he's with his dad or if they are going to do any activities special the days he's with his dad. This will help him know what to expect and also when he will be back with you.
My daughter also found it comforting to ALWAYS have the same dinner the night she returned to me. I could confirm that with her - Tomorrow night we will have ranch cheddar chicken for dinner. So, it added some consistency.
