Any Advice on Getting a 3 Year Old to Sleep in Her Own Bed???

I have a 6 mo old and 2 fat pugs and my hubby goes to Iraq as well...a lot in common. I may not be an expert but I'd let her sleep with you for however long it takes. Not having Daddy around might have brought up some seperation issues. Everyone would probably disagree with me but I'd do what made my little girl happy for the time being and forget what other people think or say.

Hi Jennifer,
My daughter also had the same problem with her daughter and it has taken some time to "fix" the sleeping arrangements. When it is time for bed my daughter lays next to my granddaughter and reads a story to her then after the story they snuggle for a time. Most of the time my daughter falls asleep there and gets up in an hour or so. When Madison wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to their room she nows takes the time to get up and take Madison back to her bed. It is very tiresome but if you don't do it now it will only take longer later. Madison is now sleeping through the night more than she is up. She also just turned three. Good luck.

K.
wfhm

A child needs reassurance that her parents are there to protect her and take care of her. I'm sure you two are doing the best you can and keep it up. I would not recommend leaving the room quickly or closing the door so she can't get out. She is your daughter and you want to teach her that you are there for her, not trying to get away from her. When you respond positively to a child's needs they learn to trust that they are safe. When a child feels safe and that their needs are met, they learn to be independent people. When you deny a child's needs by not responding in the ways she needs you to, she will learn to be a dependent person and needy, because she will not feel that her needs will be met. She could become an insecure person.

We are a little messed up in this country as we think we are doing the right things to bring up independent people, but it backfires. What the children need is a safe place, nurturance and they need their mommies and daddies whenever they feel the need to be close to them and at this age that is mostly at night when they are sometimes scared.

Enjoy this time that you can all snuggle up together. You will not be able to do this forever as she will grow up fast. You are so lucky to have this relationshio with your daughter. Cherish it. She will not sleep with you forever. She will want to move into her own bed when she is ready. She will feel proud of herself when she does. She should not be pushed to do it until she is ready.

I have a 3 year old son and we are going through this right now, too. Up until now, he has always slept with us. Now he sleeps in his bed and I start out sleeping there with him. When he moves and there is no more room for me, I move out of his room and when he wakes up in the middle of the night or in the early morning, he knows I will come to him or he can come to us. There is no struggle. I want him to feel welcome and comforted wherever he wants to be.

Trust your own instincts. They are right. Do what feels best to you in your heart and in your gut. Trust that if you care for your daughter with love and support, you will not spoil her. She will love you and grow up to be a confident woman.

I wish you the best of luck.

S.

Hi Jennifer,

I am a preschool teacher of 18 years and a mother of a 10 and 3 year old. My first child slept in my bed till he was 4 and I promised myself with the second one that would not be the case so I started training my second one early that his be is HIS bed. I found out that it was much easier to reason and talk with my first one about sleeping in his own bed, after he turned 4. It took a little time but evnetually, we were able to get him to sleep in his own bed without throwing crying fits. It is not easy to reason with a three year old, so if you are able to, wait until you can discuss things with a little more maturity on your three (or four) year olds side. I remember saying things like, "you are growing so big a tall, your going to be as big as me some day". That would make him fell like a big boy and want to do big boy things (like sleep in his own bed!). You may also want to tell your child when she is 4, she is going to sleep in her big girl bed. Sometimes when a child knows what to expect, it makes the transition a lot easier. Until then, enjoy her company, even in your bed, they just grow up so fast. My 10 year old doesn't even remember that he slept in my bed at all!

Stay Positive:),
A. G.

I had the exact same situation with my son, including the vomiting. I felt like the worst mother in the world. Everyone kept telling me we couldn't let him continue to sleep in our bed or he would still be there when he was 12.

Well they couldn't have been more wrong. I decided to let him sleep in our bed for as long as he wanted. From time to time we would talk with him about how he would start sleeping in his room when he was ready. By the time he was 4 he was ready to go back to his own room and today (he is 7) he is the best sleeper you could ever imagine.

I suggest doing what feels right for your family. Every child is different.

Good luck

A.

Hi, Jennifer,
Take a look at the Mamasource posting by Jackie L. on 8/13. The situation's not identical but the basic problem is. I bet if you search past Mamasource postings you'll see this issue come up a lot -- how do I get the child to sleep in the "big kid bed." In your case, your daughter seems to think she is being punished for something by being put in her own bed (hence the "I'm sorry" pleas) so you might have to take extra time and patience to reassure, reassure, reassure her (and be sure she doesn't think that Daddy is the negative cause of her getting put out of the preferred bed). She may also be just plain scared of being in her room alone, so offering to stay with her a while in HER room as someone else said is a good idea. Worked for us at that age and yes, it may take time, but eventually she will like her own space and bed.

My 3yr old also started waking at night and joinin us in our bedroom. But no way was she sleeping in our bed. She sleeps on a sheet on the floor. I think it was her little brothers crying when he woke at night that started her stirring. But now he doesnt cry and mostly sleeps thru, but she doesnt. Ive used a gate and she climbs it. I could close my door but I dont want her banging on it and screaming. Ive woken up and taken her back to her bed but she cries and wakes up her brother. I too am at my wits end as to what to do.
I am pretty sure that if we both stick it out for a couple of weeks and tolerate a ton of crying and drama that both our kids will stay in their own beds. But it sounds like neither one of us has the heart to go thru w/ that unfortunately.
So I am open for tips as well. Especially since now my son has started climbing out of his crib to come to our bed as well. I just put him back and pat him and he's fine.

I think she needs reassurance to learn to sleep in her own bed. She has had to go through some things that most kids her age do not, and that is dealing with Daddy being far away for extended periods of time. I think the more you try to force the issue, the more difficult it will be for her.

My suggestion is to start out being in the room with her when she falls asleep. Gradually work it to where you are farther from her, but still in the room. Then you can go to the "I'll check on you in X (number) of minutes" as she gets more comfortable sleeping on her own. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, walk her back to her room, sit with her a minute, and she'll fall back asleep.

J. -

We just went through almost the same thing with our 4-year daughter. Somehow it became habit that during the middle of the night she would walk down the hall to our room and it was just easier to pick her up and put in the bed instead of fighting with her to go back to her own room.

About a month ago, we had had it!! We decided to put a sleeping bad at the end our bed on the floor. She had a choice either sleep in that or stay in her own room. We figured to start out slowly and not push her out of our room completely in the beginning. We also set up a reward system - if she can sleep in her own bed all week long, we take her shopping.

Well its been 4 weeks now and every Sunday we need to go on a shopping spree. It's been great.

Good Luck with what you choose!!
Jenn

In order to get my son to sleep in his own bed after a long time of sleeping in ours, I had to lay down with him every night. After about 3 or 4 weeks (I tell you it seemed a lot longer) I started to move closer to the door. I would next to his bed, then in his doorway, the last move was into my room across the hall. He had to know that someone was upstairs with him for a long time. Take one step at a time but be firm if you really want her to sleep in her own bed. If you keep eventually give in she knows that and will just keep pushing until you give in.

Hi Jennifer,
One of the "perks" of being a military wife is figuring out how to survive the separation with our children. Been there too many times. It is also so easy to create what will later become bad habits, but we do what we have to do.

You've gotten lots of good advice. This is one thing I did when my children were 4 and 2 (now 8 and 6). Something as simply as having "Mommy and Daddy" time or "couch time" after dinner. (This is from a parenting course we took - the kind where you take what works for you.) Set aside time for just you and your husband to share time together without your daughter being an active part. She can go play in her room, read books, etc. Let her know that the two of you are having your time. This lets the child see the parents together during the day..she feels safe...doesn't need to make sure mom and dad are together at night in the bed. She feels safe, she sleeps and stays in her room. I don't know if I am explaining this well enough but it really helped us get over a rough sleep time. I also used calendar/rewards with my 4 year old. My husband and I just sat at the dinner table for an extra 15 minutes for our time while the girls played and tried to sneak up on us. Do this every night for a month and see if you see any changes.

Also, I wouldn't close her door at night. This would scare my children to death. I have left lights on for them to fall asleep to then turn it off once they are asleep. I would also go into her room and lie down with her to get her to go back to sleep at 2am rather than letting her get into your bed.

I hope some of my ramblings helped. I am exhausted from my number 2 daughter's birthday party. She just turned 6, and yes, she FINALLY sleeps through the night in her own bed! :-)

Thank you for your service as a miltary wife. Hopefully these "unexpected" deployments will all be over with soon. God bless.

I would try a slow transition out of your room. Buy an inexpensive Toddler Bed ($40 at Walmart - uses the crib mattress you already have) and put it right next to your bed. If she will not fall asleep in it, let her fall asleep in your bed and then move her. Find ways to make it fun for her. Also, have her take naps in her big girl bed. It may take a few months, but she should start to make the transition. I would not force the issue. She obviously was deeply effected by Daddy leaving. She needs time to feel secure again. Don't worry, eventually she is going to want her own space.

I have 10 and 6 year old children and I slept with them untill about they were 3,4. I show them many books and tv shows which includes a scene of that parents say good night to their kid and close the door, all the time. Ocasionally I said "you are big enough to do this, too."

It's much easier not to sleep with them at all. But once you did, you need a lot of pacient.

I am from Japan. Japanese children tend to sleep more nights with parents I think. We don't worried so much about children. They grow out of it naturally if you tell them and just wait, but sure it takes many years, 5 to 10 maybe. Every children are different. Here in the States, you can't see those differences because children sleep alone since they were born. It's about parent's time. It's heard for them to stop sleeping with mom and dad once they started, I know. But It's about parent's time.

I really don't like the idea to let her scream for a few nights because she is already 3. Little infants can fall in sleep after craying, but 3 year old children are tougher than you think. It's much hearder than you think. I know one mom tried. My friend daughter didn't fall in sleep for 3 hours, screaming, banging her door, etc ... for 5 days. She slept on a floor near the door. Her face was all about craying, you can see. The little girl lost her voice after couple of days. Day time was awful, no happy time, always scared of that another night is coming for both mom and daughter. I can't explain well enough that that was awful. The mom, my friend told me she had to stop it before her daughter start to hate her, she felt like. They had a last talk. The mom told the little one, "I will sleep with you 5 nights and you sleep one night in your bed. And in our future, I want you to sleep in your bed a little more often than that." The little one asked her mom to stay in her room till she fall in sleep the one night out of 5. They did probably for about 6 months. Then it became all right. The mom told me, she just should have had to tell how serious she was and waited for her daughter to be ready, she felt after all.

Good luck.

Its called tough love. My son went through this as well but not to this point. I really cut him loose after I noticed that he wouldn't sleep in his own bed. Let him fall asleep with me and then once he fell asleep, he was put into his own bed. Then I noticed that he would only fall asleep with me which was causing me to lose a lot of sleep especially since I was a single mom and had to work the next day. So I said No more. I just let him cry himself to sleep and yes it was hard to do but I had to let him know that I meant business and he couldn't get his way anymore. I told him I was the mother and what I say goes. So after a few days went by he realize that I meant business and he eventually fell asleep on his own in his own bed after a 15 minute tantrum but eventually they stopped to. You have to let the child know that you are in charge and when you tell them something mean it or they will always get their way. I hope things work out for you and your 3 yr old :-)

Jennifer,

We had the same problem with one of my sons when he was three. He would wake up every morning at 3am and come into our room to sleep with us. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and knew we had to break the habit before the baby arrived. My husband devised a reward system and it worked!! Here's what we did: we set up a reward jar and gave him points for good behavior, and took away points for unacceptable behavior. Points could be used for rewards (usually doing fun things alone with mom or dad, occasionally something like an ice cream or a movie). Once he understood the reward system, we applied it to the nighttime behavior. When he came into our room, we would say, "If you stay here, it will cost you two points, but if you go back to your room, we'll give you three points in the morning." The first few times, he chose to stay in our room. We made sure he saw us taking the points out of the jar in the morning and told him why. Then he started choosing to go back to his room. We made a big deal about giving him points, hugs and lots of positive reinforcement in the morning. Eventually, he just stopped waking in the middle of the night. Now he's 10 and never wakes us anymore (and now we have a 16 mos. old that I'm trying to get out of our bed ;-)

Good luck! When one of the kids (we have 4) is going through a particularly trying phase, I try to remind myself that the years fly by and it won't be long before I get a full night's sleep, have time to read a book, etc.

I do not know if this will help, but we had problems getting our daughter out of our bed because of fears she had. A friend suggested getting a small fold up bed and putting it in the room with us at night so that she was at least out of our bed. We did that as a reassurance to her for a few months, and then slowly moved the bed out of the room towards her room. We reassured her that she was becoming a big girl by doing this and it was on her own accord. We told her how proud we were of her that she was doing this. I don't know if this will work for you or not, but it may be worth a try.

wow, what a wrenching story!
My suggestion is telling her that you will compromise and keep her company in her bed until she falls asleep as long as she's quiet and still. With my daughter as soon as she stops fidgeting and talking she goes to sleep in minutes. If she comes in our room we take her right back (the bed is just too darn small) and keep her company if she needs it.
My daughter's 7 now and I'm sure she would still like to sleep in bed with us if she could.

When I was about 3 or 4 I went through a similar thing and my parents let me sleep in bed with them. At 6 I was sleeping in my own bed in their room. They meant well but to me it just reinforced that there really was something to be scared of. To this day (I'm 35) I still have a terrible time shutting down and going to sleep at night. So that made it easy for me to be firm about it.

There may have been some tougher emotional issues triggered by your husband's "unexpected deployment." In his absense, it was much easier to cater specifically to your daughter's needs (including letting her sleep with you.) She will not understand the complexities of the changes that have happened both with his absense and with his return. It may help to allocate special times during the day. This is "Mommy-Daughter time." This is "Daddy-daughter time." etc. And establish night time as "Mommy-Daddy time." Make sure she understands she can come to you in case of an emergency, and try to be as lighthearted as possible about it while you're establishing these new perameters. But reinforce that she gets your time and attention during your waking hours, it's only fair to give Mommy and Daddy quite time together to sleep. Give her the opportunity, you'll be surprised how reasonable she can be.

Good luck.

Some sort of reward system would work.
This is actually something that my mother came up with for my brother who always slept in her bed. She set out calender type chart with fourteen days and every morning he could put a star on the chart if he slept in his own bed. She explained to him that if he slept in his own bed for two weeks he would get a playground in the back yard. (they were planning on getting one anyways) The incentive worked for him and he was four at the time. If a delayed reward is not motivating enough there could be some imediate reward in the morning. I hope this helps. But either way good luck.

poor little sweetheart! i can totally understand your distress. but there are steps inbetween letting her sleep with you and trying to reassure a screaming tot through the door (which will never, ever work.)
but you DO have to resign yourself to a period of insane-O-making while you teach her what the new guidelines are. it will take a while. every single time she gets up, you take her back to bed. each successive trip you spend less time with her. so, when you first put her down you read, snuggle, laugh, pray, whatever your routine is. when she gets up (or screams for you) you take her back, give her a hug, and leave. next time you take her back with a quiet word of reassurance. next time you just take her back and smile and go. the idea is to convey to her that the mom-time is at bedtime, after that she isn't getting snuggles by getting up. you may have to spend many nights repeating this often (you are, after all, very well-trained at this point and it will take you some time to break your own conditioning) but after a while new habits will be formed by everyone and you can all get some sleep.
good luck!
:) khairete
S.

Hello,

I don't know if that will work for you but thats what i did with my son. He usualy sleeps in his bed but if he wakes up at night when there is a thunderstorm or he won't go back for some other reason he can come into our room but he is not aloud in the bed. He will have to sleep on the floor if he wants to sleep with us. Our floor has carpet but its still not as comfortable than a bed. One other thing i thought you might try is to sleep in her room with her till she gets used to her room and than once she gets used to it leave her once she is asleep and than tell her what a good job she did when she slept in her one but one full night. I hope any of this works since i know how hard it is to survive a day without sleep. Good Luck!!!

Anika

I had a similar situation with my oldest. The details were different but the end result was the same, he was in our bed. We got him his big boy bed and instead of him sleeping with us, we would sleep with him until he fell asleep. That got old fast so what we did was we would each sleep with him for 10 minutes and eventually worked it down to 5. If he woke up in the night we'd walk him back to his room and lay with him for comfort and he'd almost instantly fall back asleep. Good luck.

Your problem isn't an easy one to solve...I know because my 1st 2 kids slept with us until they were 6 & 4!! With my youngest, I don't let her sleep in our bed, but most nights I end up in hers :) I don't think most kids are born being "super sleepers"...we have to teach them.
Letting your daughter scream behind a closed door must be really scary for a 3 year old! You don't want bedtime or being alone in her room something for her to fear. I would suggest a more gradual approach, which may take weeks or even months but eventually your daughter WILL sleep in her own bed.
We read my son books (usually several) and laid with him until he fell asleep. He would usually wake up a couple times during the night, but we walked him back to his own bed and waited for him to fall asleep again. You MUST be consistent on this!! One night back in your bed and all your hard work is down the drain.
Also, try putting some fun nighttime stuff in her room, like glowing stars on the ceiling or a Sleep Turtle that shines stars on the ceiling or walls. And definitely use a nightlight. Anything to make bedtime less scary is great!
My oldest daughter is 19 years old and my son will be off to kindergarten in a couple weeks. In hindsight, getting to cuddle with them at night and in the morning (because they were sleeping with me!) really wasn't so bad. I even sort of miss it :)