Anxiety About Getting Old

You are so young. My life didn't start until I hit 30! I went to England and France, found the love of my life, etc.

There is so much to look forward to, and you don't have to worry about being old and lonely for many decades yet. I have good friends in their mid40- just having kids now! You have so much life yet to live.

And honestly, life only gets better with age :-)

At 30, I was single, not dating anyone, no kids, had quit a good job, was back in grad school, and had no money. By the time I was 38, I was married, had two kids, an even better job, and a masters degree. I think being a "late bloomer" was the best.

Boy oh boy. YOU are a baby!

Sit yourself down and write down all the things YOU want to do in life. Make a plan and do them. Block out a year, two year and five years and where do you want to be? Happiness is something that you do. No one can make you happy but you. Take some courses and get a hobby and meet people that way.

Work is work. The description of the people in your office are about the same in every office. Where and what do you want to do to better yourself at that/this job? Then do it.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns. You have to allow for flexibility so that you stay on course with where you want to be in 1, 2, 5 years. Think positively and find people who think the same way. Remember the saying about positive people collect positive people.

Friends are like seasons some short and some long.

As for wrinkles. That is heredity. Some people have them at 20 and others not until they are 80.

Experiences that you face in life make you the person you will be in the future. The losses of loved ones forges you and makes you strong. The tough times make you wiser.

I say all this to you because: I have lost my parents at a young age, I have experienced facing death several times in my life and am still here. I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a mother-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a caregiver, and a friend. I have had plenty of joy and sorrow in my life. Oh and I just celebrated my 66th birthday. So there is a lot of life ahead of you to cherish and enjoy. Remember 30 is not the end of the world it is just the beginning.

the other S.

Getting old is not for the faint of heart.
But it sure as heck beats the alternative (dropping dead)!

You have lots of life and living left to do.
If I've got to have wrinkles let them be laugh lines.
The older I get the less I care about what other people might think.
As long as I'm having fun they can get with the program or be as scandalized as they like.

I turned 55 this year...I can speak from much more experience.

I probably felt the same way you did at that age. But trust me...life just gets better and better. I think my late 20's and early 30's were tough years (I didn't get married until 36. I had my dd when I was 44 (I thought I was too old, but surprise! I wasn't)

Anyway...each age brings new experiences. Since I had my dd so old, I take extra care of myself...I worked hard to get back to normal weight (that's a big one!) and I eat 8-11 servings of fruits and vegetables per day. That keeps the wrinkles away because the the antioxidants. I also walk 2 miles per day with weights which keeps the skin from sagging and keeps the weight off.

For the first time, I took advantage of a "senior" discount at a local store...I was elated when they didn't believe me and asked for an ID which I gladly showed them.

I wouldn't go back to 29 or 30 for anything...make the most of today...it's the only one you've got. I also believe in the law of attraction...you will attract good things to you if you are in a good and positive mindset.

Do I have a few wrinkles...do I dye my hair? Yes, but my dd told me she thought the wrinkles around my eyes made me pretty. AWWWW...I kind of like them too!

A long time ago, a wise woman once told me "You've got to walk the path to know it."

I had this feeling you are having when I was 25. It seemed huge. Life seemed hard, really hard. Part of the 'hard' was what I was bringing to the the table; adding to that were the consequences of choices I made out of fear, including marrying the wrong person. But choices, while they can't be undone-- they can be corrected. I was very depressed and finally decided I was ready to talk to a counselor. It changed my entire life.

I do agree with the suggestion that you might want to get screened for depression. Honestly, it doesn't hurt to know that it might be a little bit of brain chemistry which may be affecting your outlook. (Actually, it is a positive to know that if it is depression, it CAN be remedied!)

My best years have been in my late thirties and forties. You don't have to be a raving beauty for people to find you attractive. It's more about what's on the inside that people are attracted to-- how they feel about themselves when they are around you. Even with some scowl lines, (I do smile a lot, but fretted a lot when I was younger) I somehow managed to meet and have a great relationship with a wonderful man. He was older and wiser as well when we met. There is something really special about being two mature adults who have more reasonable expectations of each other and of relationships in general. We have a son who will be seven in a few months.

I've learned, over time, that 40 is liberating (43 now), that the only person I can rely on to fill myself up is ME, that I am valuable to my child, husband, and those around me. I have to take care of myself (spiritually, emotionally), no one else will. I volunteer at my son's school, and in doing so, I've broadened my circle of 'friendly acquaintances'. After I had my son, it felt like some friends were slipping away-- they just assumed that I was busy and didn't call so much, so I did reach out and make an effort to make time for them, even if it was a couple hours meeting up over coffee or having a drink in the evening. If you want to reconnect with someone, schedule a sitter and get out for an afternoon or evening. Even if no one is available to go out, get some time on the weekend and go into San Diego, seek out what feeds your soul. Are there some nice galleries or museums, there or in La Jolla? Did you have a hobby or craft before having your son that you'd like to pick up again? Or is there something you might want to learn how to do? Keep growing, keep expanding your interests.... life is full of hard moments, disappointments and glorious revelations and can feel as full or empty as you want it to. I lived in SD for a year and found plenty to do to keep me busy. You have a whole world to share with your son. This is just the beginning....

My 30's have been FAR better than my 20's. And I didn't feel like a grown up until I turned 31 (though I sometimes have moments of immaturity...but who doesn't?).

I found my great love. At age 32. And married him.

Wrinkles? Nope, not yet and not something I am worried about.

Quit worrying about what mean people think of you. They aren't the ones who matter.

I suggest you find yourself an awesome church singles group. Get involved and volunteer.

You have lots of great advice below. Lots of food for thought.

The only thing I want to add, because I was just thinking it yesterday, is how little looks matter, in the end. Your looks change daily. People are ALWAYS way better-looking in their youth than they think they are.

Now that I'm in my mid-fifties, EVERYONE who is younger than about 35 or 40 looks gorgeous to me. They are all glowing with the beauty of youth and newness. Their plump, shining skin and hair, and general vigor is stunning. Even those who are not classically attractive look great to me. And especially if those people present themselves with confidence and panache, either in their general outlook on life and/or how they dress and physically present themselves, they can look pretty darn amazing.

Most people have their decades. I've seen relatively unattractive people mature into total beauties and hunks, sometimes even in their fifties and sixties, and I've seen the reverse. Looks are ALWAYS fluid and ever-changing.

I was gifted with pretty good looks when I was young, and I maintain myself, but what I was thinking yesterday was how little that ultimately matters, and how little being good-looking improved my life. If anything, it may have hindered me from trying very hard. Anyway, time flies, and your looks always fade.

So follow all the other good advice, go buy a fun wardrobe, emphasize your good features, whatever they are, and have fun with life. It will all be over soon enough.

And yes, you are YOUNG.

Oh my goodness. Do I even remember being 30? Yes - but it's in the dim and distant past. My birthday is next week and I'll be (cough cough).

You're afraid of the future because it looks like a big nebulous fog. Actually, you go into your future just one day at a time. You can handle that. You've done that every day of your life. Life isn't perfect for *anybody* - it just looks that way. We all struggle. We all have big burdens we're carrying. We don't see one another's burdens, but they're there.

It's okay to have a place in your heart in which you are still a little girl, but since you're a mama you also need to be MORE of a grownup. But grown-up-ness really isn't too bad! Since I don't know much about you, I can't give you too much advice about doing it, but I do know something about being shy. It can be a real handicap. Is there something you can do about that? You'll be amazed what you discover when you can let some of your timidity go.

If you want to discuss this more, you can PM (private message), but only if you want to. I'm a stranger, after all. But it's nice to know that somebody else in the world blushes at jokes besides me!

Here's the thing: You just get stronger as you get older. I'm about to turn 44 and I'm not the same person I was at 30 (which is very young, by the way). You will stop caring about what others think of you as you get older and just get on with your day. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. You get that way after dealing with bigger issues in life. At this age, I've had friends die, I've had a child go through a major health crisis, I've seen loved ones deal with challenges. You learn what matters in life.

I learned I don't have time to be shy and let people treat me like a doormat. If I want something done, I make it happen. I've learned to push aside my shyness to move ahead.

I won't tell you you will suddenly find happiness or miracles. I went through a huge career setback over the holidays and I'm hardly one to give a pep talk now. However, you do learn to appreciate the small joys in life: A day of rain during a drought, hugs from my kids, being alive to see the sun shine. I don't wait for big things to come my way; I appreciate the small things I already have.

Don't even start worrying about wrinkles yet. I'm just now getting them in my 40s. You have a way to go. And there is always Retin-A and derivative products to tackle those if they bother you.

Don't get your happiness from work, either. It doesn't give you love at the end of the day; your son does. Do your part to find the nice people where you live. A simple way to start is to find a volunteer activity. Go on a charity walk. You'll realize there are people out there who do good things and aren't self-absorbed.

Celebrate 30! It's the start of being a much stronger person. And I can tell you being in my 40s now, you couldn't pay me to go back to my insecure 20-something self.

Don't worry, there's still so much good to come.
You're a mom so you're most likely tired & have had some of your freedom limited since you have to watch out for another little human being that is relying on you for everything.
But I'm here to tell you, life is what you make it.
Think positive.
You're still young, there's more to good to come. Make it happen.
Wake up every day & be grateful for what you DO have (a job, your baby, your health, money coming in etc.).
There's still more fun to be had, more happiness, more good times.
Look for them each & every day.
Take 10 deep breaths when you feel anxious. Write down 5 wonderful things in your life, keep it in your wallet. Take it out whenever you are feeling low & you will be reminded how good your life really is.
Get help when you can so you can take a break. If someone offers it, take it.
True beauty is not on the outside, it's in the inside. What we are all truly made of.
Look in your mirror & tell yourself 5 wonderful things about yourself each & every day.
There are some miracles (a girls parachute didn't open & she lived).
Everyone can be scared of the future but what I do is look at each day in front of me, then vow to make tomorrow even better.
I make goals (daily & annual goals).
I try to fit a little fun in every day.
I treat myself to something nice each day. Some days it's a Starbucks
coffee. Some days it's watching an hour show. Sometimes it's as simple
as buying myself a carnation at the store or a bar of chocolate to share
with my kid.
I plan for the future by saving money & investing some. Put 10% of your
paycheck into a savings acct. It's the attitude of paying yourself first like
a bill that you consistently pay each & every month.
I make sure all my bills are paid & on time so that is not a worry or stress
on my mind.
I see family & friends for laughter & visits.
I try to take care of my health (eat right, see the doctor & exercise) so I
can be here for my child & welcome each & every year.
Getting old isn't bad, it beats the alternative.
Be happy, laugh a little every day.
See friends (get together during your lunch hour or plan a coffee date with
them taking your child with them for 45 mins.
Moisturize your face (it helps some but does not stop the hands of time).
Remember everything ages (trees, cars) but with the proper care and
nutrition....aging is A-Okay.
Be kind to yourself.
There are mean AND good people in the world. I choose to protect myself from the bad ones & look for the good ones.
I surround myself with good, positive people.
Don't be so hard on yourself (you're shy & blush when someone makes a joke.....that's okay. Who says you have to be like Madonna or Ellen
Degeneres?. You're you and that's AWESOME! Never forget it. Treasure it!).
Ignore the "not so nice" people at your work.
No life is perfect. Don't envision perfection. Envision the world YOU WANT then strive to achieve that every single day.
Each day is a new opportunity to grow, get what you want w/i reason & to
be happy.
Who says you will be alone old AND lonely. Nobody gets a crystal ball.
We are dealt a hand of cards & it's what we do with it that matters.
So make YOURS great. You can do it.
Wishing you the best every day!!! :)

Talk to your doctor in case you are actually clinically depressed and get help.

If you're socially anxious, talk to your doctor. Social anxiety is something you can deal with if you get some help.

If this is just part of an "I'm turning 30 funk", then keep reading.

Welcome to the real world. Your problem is the "perfect picture" you had. There is no such thing. Let go of perfect. Look for real and solid.

NO ONE ever feels all the way grown up. Let go of your 20's - they're gone, and if you keep mourning time that has passed, you'll piss away the potential of NOW.

If you're focused on external beauty, you're going to miss out on a lot.

Reality is what you make it - we see more of what we are used to seeing because our brains filter according to how we think. If we expect mean people, we'll see more of them. It's like buying a red sweater - suddenly you see every person who's wearing a red sweater. They were all there before, you just didn't notice them because you weren't actively aware of them. You need to find a way to shift your perspective.

Life is fight, life is survival, it is also beauty (your boy). People die - everything dies. So you do your damndest to make the greatest positive impact on the world while you're in it.

I do recall when I turned 29 I thought I was getting old. Soemthing about being in your 20's feels free. 30 seems like something your mother was - but not you. Bob Dylan, who is now certainly around age 70 said to never trust anyone over 30. Ha!

But now with some perspective (I'm 54 to be 55 in a few months) the 30's were good years (after I got over a bad romance.) I met my husband in my 30's, had both pregnancies in my 30's (had my son jsut after 40), attained high levels in my career in my 30s... But still I was to dopey to realize what a good era in my life it was!

My 40s were the years when I raised little ones, when my husband became a police officer (then sergeant). We worked realy hard in those years, we were broke and struggled financially.

But now at 54 I've never been more sure of myself, more confident and content with my life. I've weathered lots of storms, deaths of loved ones, trauma and financial woes, a deathly ill child, miserable people, lovely people, good jobs and bad jobs. So I think I have some wisdom to share...

You are far more capable that you realize. You are far more intelligent and caring and kind. You are probably being a much better mother than you realize. You have been through some bad stuff. Life does include bad stuff. But it also includes amazing stuff. I truly believe there's a God who cares about us. We live in a fallen world where mankind can do the things he wants to do - good or bad. So we live though heart break and deal with bad people and circumstances. Actions have consequences and they soemtimes affect other people. Sometimes by no fault of our own we are impacted by someone's bad actions - and sometimes by their good actions. (But there are many times we can impact ourselves - good or bad.) People who are miserable are usually hurt underneath. They don't think they are - they're shallow and interested only in material things - but those things are never going to make you happy - which is why they're not happy.

I think we are designed to want to know our creator and align ourselves to the good and not the negative. I've found when I "give back", and help distribute food at a shelter, or volunteer with little old ladies in a nursing home it not only helps them and brings positive into their lives - but it does amazing things for me too. Doing good things improves our lives. I make my kids come and help distribute food at mission food lines, I requrie myself and my kids to volunteer - and it gives them amazing perspective on life and helps them too.

I found my deepest friendships are now at church - people I volunteer with, people who we share our kids activities and carpools with, people who've hugged me and prayed for me during loss and difficult times and who I've hugged and prayed for in return. I can learn with them about God who loves me so much He sent His son to be my righteousness (since I sure can't do that). They are closer to me than my sisters.

So just start with taking the first steps. Take the baby step - go online and find a food pantry, saturday program for shelter kids or a nursing home that welcomes volunteers (old people LOVE little kids - LOVE them.) and call and ask about volunteering. Check out a church on Sunday - jsut stop in. Look or one that's not too tiny and not too giant but that has programs for kids. You'll meet other moms - and trust me there are plently of single moms at church. (Many have nurseries and Sunday school even for 2 yr olds). Just by taking those baby steps you'll have a sense of fulfillment, you'll worry less about the wrinkles that are inevitable (spend less time in the sun), and you'll develope friendship with people who are doing the same stuff you are and your attitude about life slipping away will change. You'll begin to see small miracles - a need being met with such specificity and timing that it's not possible to be conincident.

"I know the plans I ahve for you declares the Lord. plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a hope and a future" Jer 29:11.

Praying for you KM!

I guess I am not sure what you are afraid of and please don't take that as a "jerk" comment. I know it is different for everyone but what is there to fear about an age? I am on the back half of my thirties and am excited for what my 40's have in store for me. My 30’s have been great and with that have also come struggles. Had 2 kids, wondered if my marriage will make it through these turbulent times, etc. but I never once thought, "ugh, I am getting older". Without coming across as judgmental, have you ever considered working on yourself and your self-esteem. Sounds like that is where the rub is. If you felt better about “you”, age wouldn't matter. That doesn't mean you have to look a certain way, it means you have to feel a certain way. Conquer the negative thoughts you have of being alone/lonely, not being a "beauty" (I bet your son would disagree by the way!) and quit worrying about the gossip people at work. They only talk bad about others because 9 times out of 10 then feel bad about themselves and just want to bring someone down with them.
When I graduated from college, I was so down on myself because I hadn't found a future husband. After all, that was the purpose of college, right? J/K I felt worthless, unattractive, etc. I did go to therapy figured a lot of things out about me and realized, I hold the cards on what my life is worth. You have a little boy who probably thinks the sun rises and sets on you, his Mom. Show him how great life is even in the face of frustration and not always having the life you thought you were supposed to have.
Last thing, wrinkles aren't so bad. I used to scoff at the comment that they are smile lines but you know something, I would take my crow’s feet wrinkles ANYDAY over the droopy scowl of someone who doesn't know how to smile.
Fine your joy in even the littlest things and don’t worry about the number thing…..so not worth it!

No one's life is perfect. But there are joyful things in every day.

If you really don't see this at all, then I would suggest that maybe you should see your doctor, and ask to be screened for depression. There is happiness in life, and everyone deserves their own little piece of it.

Reach out for some support. Look for a good counselor or coach. Find a group. You sound very isolated and that you could use some good resources to support you in resolving some of the questions you have about life and to support you in looking at and addressing your fears. A good counselor/coach can help you become aware of your negative thoughts and to reframe and shift them.

As the other moms have said, you really are still so young and you have so much more life to live. Getting help to be able to see life in a more positive way will make all the difference. I started healing my childhood stuff when I was in my late 20's. It was the best gift I ever gave myself and my children. I had some great therapists, attended some loving groups, and read so many helpful books. Getting help does not mean weakness. We are only weak when we don't get support. It also doesn't have to cost a lot. Even if you see a therapist once a month, they can give you a ton of information that can transform your life.

you sound depressed, sweetie. get some help with that. you've got a little guy, and your whole life ahead of you.
i know that sounds trite, and i'm being just a tad hypocritical as i remember well turning 30 and spending the whole day on the couch crying. i giggle a little now thinking about it. i was SO bummed!
but fortunately i was too busy to wallow for long.
one's 20s are so blown about by the emotions of trying to be a grown-up. i'd love to have the overall physical firmness, but that's about it. the confidence and wisdom of age are a good trade-off.
i found the 30s to be a very busy decade. i was working a LOT, raising two little boys, trying to find a little time for myself- and oh yeah, my marriage- and it was just too hectic to feel sorry for myself much. it WAS survival, but so much good in there. when you've got the energy and passion and you're in the parenting trenches, there are so very, very many glorious moments. the happiness is always there, you just have to be conscious and aware enough to recognize it.
and the 40s are pure awesomeness. that's the power decade!
and i'm finding that the 50s, even with the wrinkles and softening jawline and grey hair, are pretty wonderful. i FINALLY have that time for me that i've been begging for!
people you love will always die. it's never easy, but you can't let it sideline your own life, or you are disrespecting what a great gift it is.
what's scarier than being old and lonely? being young and terrified. you haven't actually grown up, hon. you're clinging to a youth that you're not enjoying, and dreading an old age that isn't here yet (and whose alternative is worse.)
you need to get help and find out what's at the root of all this fear.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I can relate to the beginning issue. I'm 31 and still having a hard time adjusting to the thought that I'm in my 30's. In my mind, I still don't even feel like an adult. I feel like an older teenager playing house.

You are very young. The way to happiness is through caring for others and being thankful. Do not waste energy on mean people. Smile, acknowledge to yourself that they are at fault for their attitudes, BE NICE TO THEM ANYWAY-no matter how hideously they twist it back onto you in evil ways- and focus on nicer people and bigger tasks. Move on. Don't engage. I know its VERY DIFFICULT not to let work jerks bring you down. I had a stressful job with lots of awful people for many years. I suffered most when I focused on how awful they were being. You're not weak to smile, ignore and take the high road. You can't win by fighting, getting depressed or gossiping. You'll never see those people again when you move on from that job, which you will.

Keep positive. Fake it 'til you make it. Do nice things for people and don't expect a return. Ever notice how confident, happy, busy people aren't "trying" to get people to like them? They're not keeping score, they're just rocking and rolling in their own lives? Make eye contact with people you come across in your day, smile, joke, be kind. Ask about community events they are attedning and go! Take your son.

I was much more anxious at 30 about things than at 43 now. I realize now, that I have to make my own friends through thoughtful actions and make my own happiness by making a choice. I've been through terrible betrayal and divorce and family deaths etc too. Everyone has those hurdles in life. Good people keep being good anyway. Why did you picture a perfect life? That was not realistic and that's OK. Miracles are everywhere imo -I just saw an incredible sky last night when I hit the bridge into our nearest town at JUST the right time to see reflections in the water and beams through the clouds, my kids and I were all stunned at how transformed a daily sight was in that moment. Sometimes it's a miracle that I can remember to take the trash out.

Do not worry about your appearance getting older. You know lots of beautiful older people right, inside and out? You should befriend some happy older people as inspirations to you. Once you are reaching out to good people, caring about them, asking them about their lives, doing good things and loving yourself, you will meet someone worthy of you to be in love with. Don't worry about tomorrow, make the best choices you can day by day.

Good friends are very important. Nothing cures the blues about superficial aging signs like surrounding yourself with good people the same age!! Seek out some nice people, and reach out to them. You still have plenty of time to cultivate a good circle of people in your life if you make a sincere effort. I'm living a pretty isolated life after moving away from my job to stay home and raise kids on one income, and then getting divorced after painful years of cheating. But I've made great friends with neighbors, people at the gym, people who are friends of a few friends I made and the circle goes out from there, lots of nice parents at my kids activities. I'm having a party full of ladies here at my house in a couple of weeks and I can't believe how many friends I actually have showing up for a hermit by nature. But I work at it. Not many people will approach a single mom. I'm used to that. Once I reach out though, people are always nice.

How did your friends forget about you? Did you continue to be in touch with them and do things for them and care about them but they ignored all your efforts and shut you out anyway? (not good friends then) or did you just drift apart because no one really tried? I've had my closest friend for over 20 years. We can go months with no word, but one of us will contact the other eventually and we'll catch up. We've pulled each other out of the fire many times through many phases of life. It has been mutual. If you nurture a relationship with a good person, it will not fade. If it fades despite your efforts, it's not a friendship that was worth much. With no effort, or people getting petty every time they think they're "doing more" even a good relationship will fade. I've known lots of people who accuse friends of "moving on" but I know for a fact they sort of just sat there and got mad when the person moved on rather than graciously staying engaged in that person's life and embracing the changes happening.

We can all do more to be happy. Good luck, you can do it!