Just wanted to get an opinion from you all. My daughter is in 3rd grade and use to be best friends with a girl last year. However, this girl became very clinging and possessive over the summer. Started copying everything my daughter did and joined the same stuff just to be near my daughter. This bothered my daughter alot because it was so extreme. She did not like her having other friends either. Then when my daughter talked to her about how it bothered her and tried to get some space she became mean and started treating her badly. She would roll her eyes at her, talk bad about her and ignore her and she lied to her all the time. I had tried to talk to her mom about it, because at the times we were friends, but she just blew it off and said they would work it out.
They are no longer close friends, but play occasionally and have some of the same after school activities. My daughter is comfortable with the way it is and doesn't want to change it. She doesn't want to be close to this girl, because she feels she can't trust her anymore.
My daughter has made other friends and has done things outside of school with them. Well, the other mom of this girl went off on me a few weeks ago because she was mad we had done things with others since summer and had not invited her daughter to join. She thought she should be included in everything we did. She made the comment that it was hurting her daughter that her best friend was doing things with others and not her. I assured her there was never any intend to hurt her daughter, but that the girls were not that close anymore. I did not feel she had to be included in things my daughter did with other friends. I told her until my daughter wanted to have her over, we would not be and suggested we give the girls time to work it out on their own. I said we could try to get the girls together in the future, but I would need to make sure it was ok with my daughter. She apologized and it was good for a week.
Then I had invited 3 girls over for a movie and sleepover. The mom had asked me if we wanted to go the the movies with her daughter. I told her we already had plans with some other girls, but maybe we could get them together another time. Also, this little girl has been awful ti all my daughters friends so putting her in a place that could be hurtful to her would not be good. She said nothing, but two days later I got an email from her that let me have it again.
She feels I was mean and said to me "If you exclude a little girl with a smile and excuse, then it makes it all ok". I feel I can't win. She doesn't think her daughter did anything and that we should force the girls to be friends. My daughter never excludes her at school or from the team in the after school activities. She just didn't want to invite her over or to do other stuff outside of school and practice. I see this woman every day after school and she will now talk to me at all. She has also told her daughter to never play with mine again.
So, am I wrong? Why do we have to include a girl that is not a close friend with my daughter anymore?
One another note, this lady has not had many friends and looking back, had the same clingy behavior to me, so its almost as if she feels rejected herself. We were friends because the girls were friends, but when you take that away, we don't have much in common, but I was never unfriendly to her.
I think it is more an issue with the mom then with the kids. She has now been running around to all my friends and parents of the other girls on the team because she is convinced I am trying to exclude her also. She won't talk to me or be there after school to watch the team practice because I am there. I didn't want that, but also am not going to change my mind on it either, as I feel I am doing what is right. Its just not fun being in such a tense situation. I plan on being nice when I see her, but not going out of my way. What did bug me is she involved other people in my life that should not be caught up in the drama.
Just so you know I never talked about any thing in front of her daughter because I did not want to hurt her. Her mom would tell her things about it. If it was left up to the girls all would be fine. I also want to respect my daughter who is not wanting to invite her to be mean, but because she's been hurt by this girl and doesn't want to be exposed to that again.
I am the kind of person that hates conflict and tension, but am sticking my ground.
Advise?
I would try and take it with grace and just be nice to her. Next time you have something going on with other people though take a note from Miss Manners and don't tell her what you have going on, just that you are busy that day.
The other mom is out of line and trying to protect her daughter from growing up and dealing with life.
Who my daughter invited over to play, spend the night, etc. was up to HER. I did not make her invite people she did not want to spend time with. And I certainly did not go to the mothers of other kids and ask, "Why did you invite Susie and Becky, and not invite my daughter?"
This other mom is out of line, and needs to let the kids work out what their relationship is going to be on their own terms, not hers.
You are not wrong.
Stick to your guns.
Your daughter seems very mature and cognizant, of good and bad, rapport and what a friend is or is not.
GOOD for her.
My daughter is the SAME way.
My daughter is wise beyond her years.
My daughter is 8 and in the 3rd grade too.
I would just nicely say, my daughter & I... are not happy, getting together anymore.
Kids, change. Friends change. It is life.
You are not trying to 'exclude' her.
But, life and children change.
I would not want my child, to be friends with another child like that either.
Nor would I want to hang out with a Mom like that.
I would... not.
The Mom, has issues.
She cannot BULLY others, to play with her daughter.
That Mom, is very off base.
Noxious.
GOOD for your Daughter... and you.
Go according to your Daughter. She is mature and wise.
.
I've seen it with my own kids and their friends. Sometimes they get so close it's just a good idea to take a break for a while.
I would talk to the mom who 99% of the time agreed that taking a break from bickering or arguing, etc, was a good idea. The kids would usually get to missing each other and then things would be fine after that.
My daughter had a couple of friends who got really ticked if we were having a family gathering and they weren't invited over. Yes, there were other kids, RELATIVES. It wasn't a block party. Still, they felt they should have been included. Some kids are just like that.
I would encourage you to have your daughter continue to be kind to her at school or the other activities they do together, just as you would expect her to treat the other children.
However, who gets invited to your home or other outside activities really isn't anyone else's business.
Many parent's get hurt when they feel their children are excluded. My advice to them, especially if they feel it's mean, is to drop the subject and help their kids find other friends. If a person is convinced someone is being unfair or hurtful to their child, why force the issue? It makes no sense to me.
As for what she says to other people, if they are repeating it, just say that it's unfortunate she feels the way she feels and you've tried talking to her.
Leave it at that.
I personally think the grown ups not speaking to each other in front of the kids sends a bad message. Not all people are madly in love with each other as friends, but can still practice social graces.
If she can't do that, that's her choice.
Best wishes.
Next time simply just say you already have other plans but leave out "with other girls". Geez! This woman has issues! Better yet, let her leave a message!
Distance yourself from her as much as possible. Your daughter and hers no longer connect. It is what it is and her daughter will need to learn how to deal with it because it will happen again. Friends come and go.
Best of luck!
Sounds like you already know what to do. Just be curt & kind & do what is best for your daughter. I disagree with Yomama. You should never have anyone in your house just to appease them, child or adult.
You didn't do anything wrong. It is best to let the girls work it out. Its really immature of the other mom to react this way. It makes sense that she doesn't have any friends---she doesn't know how to be one! Try not to let her get to you-- you did the right thing. People who know you will know that you had all the right intentions and will not feed into her sob story. Good luck and be civil but don't go over and above to win her over. She is unfortunately hurting her daughter---
M
Hi! I am a true believer that our kids need to make their own friends. It sounds like your daughter "outgrew" this other girl and it truly bothered her mom. Well, that is too bad. However, if there is ever a next time with regards to your daughter having a party and the mom asks about doing something (if she is speaking with you) I would not tell her you are doing things with other girls nor would I do something in front of the other little girl. She is only in 3rd grade, clingy or not. They don't understand and sounds like her mom would not be a "support" to her. I am not by any means siding with this mom, but my own daughters and others I know have had experiences that really hurt. Yes, it is life but they are still young. We used to live on a cul-de-sac and after we moved there I heard a terrible story about some of the little girls and a party. In short, all the girls played together all the time. Then one was having a party with about 15 kids and because the party mom was such a stickler about the number she purposely omitted just one girl who played with her daughter (and lived two houses away). The party was a princess party with a treasure hunt. All the girls we dressed as princesses and did the treasure hunt around the cul-de-sac. This was during the summer and the other little girl was not allowed by the party mom to participate and it was suggested she go inside her house until the treasure hunt was over. Sick! Anyway, I agree with you on the other mom being a little strange, but just remember they are kids and you would never want your daughter left out of something that could hurt her feelings.
Your daughter dictates who her friends are. You can't help it.
You haven't done anything wrong. It is not a crime to not invite someone to a function. Sometimes kids just grow apart. Your daughter didn't taunt her over it, she just invited other girls. It sounds like your daughter is a very kind person and is still friendly with the girl, even though not they are not as close. Would she prefer you and your daughter not "smile" at hers, but rather scowl and be rude? This woman is out of line to insist her daughter be "invited" by your daughter to anything, last summer or most recent sleepover. She cannot "force" a friendship. The girls either naturally click or they don't anymore. Really, it's not like you invited all the girls in the class EXCEPT her daughter. Don't stoop to her level. Don't make any mention of her or her daughter around mutual friends and acquaintances. I'd smile and say hello to her at school. If she wants to give you the cold shoulder at school or other events, I guess that kind of behavior will be what she is displaying to all the other parents present.
If someone mentioned it to you that she had been saying things just say something along the lines of "See what's it's been like? It is so hard to have someone be clingy like that..." They would know with out you saying anything more that the other woman is the issue.
I looked to see where you live because it sounds like someone I know.
You are 100% right except don't tell her what your plans are or that other girls are included. The other parents should see through her fast. Nobody can stand clingy. Can you block her email?
You're doing the right thing. It may be hurtful to this other girl, but if she was mean to your daughter and she so no longer wishes to be friends, there is no reason to force it on her. If she's not excluding her from activities they happen to take part in, at school, etc. then it seems your daughter is doing right. Relationships come and go all the time; people grow apart. It can be sad but that is still no reason this mom can expect you to invite her daughter to everything if that's not what your daughter wants. It will just upset everyone on both sides.
I think you have handled this awkward & painful situation with a lot of grace.
I think you should just take the high road, and do make every effort to be friendly with the other mom, if possible. And do make an effort for the girls to get together at an appropriate time/place.
If this woman is insecure (which it totally sounds like she is!), maybe it's worth it to extend the hand of friendship, after she cools off a bit. I'm not sure how exactly, but maybe ask her if she'd like to get a cup of coffee together after one of the girls games, or something.
And I do think that, if asked, you should just keep repeating that the kids live their own lives, and choose their own friends and that forcing them to be together disrespects your daughter's right to choose her own friends. And that you're sorry that the girls are growing apart, for now, but that you will continue to enjoy seeing and chatting with her (the mom) at games and other activities. (this might be a good place to segway into an invite for coffee or something).
If you're seeing this behavior for what it is, chances are pretty good that at least most of the other parents are also.
No Advice! You are doing wonderful! Keep up the good work.
N.
Maybe the other Mom is reacting this way because she doesn't understand. You were never honest with her and let her know how your daughter and you were feeling, so she feels rejected. It is right to allow your daughter to choose her friends and hang out with whom she chooses, but you should also teach her to be honest with friends and convey her feelings, it's only fair. I don't think the Mom could argue the point if you were just straight forward with her, at least she would know your reasons and could deal better the known then the unknown.
This mom has issues, and she is projecting it all on you, while at the same time using her daughter as a pawn. None of it is right.
However, I was with you all along until you had the sleepover and you did not invite the little girl. I think that it would have been a nice gesture to demonstrate to your child that while she and this girl cannot be friends, they can be "friendly," and this can be seen as a gesture of good will. I understand that at times friends grow apart, but it is clear that this little girl did not want to stop being friends with your daughter. I am not sure is a "clean break," meaning, going from being invited to suddenly being "uninvited" to functions, was the right way to go. It is hurtful. It may have helped to include her still, to some functions, until it becomes evident to both girls that this friendship has run its course.
Now that this mom has lashed out on you in such a public way, there is no turning back or fixing things...she's got a vendetta going and plans to seek her revenge or you and possibly your daughter as well. Awkward.
What you can do is talk to this mother in private; honestly, when dealing with "off the handle" folks like this it is a good idea to just apologize. Tell her again that it was not your intention to exclude her daughter, and in the future, if she is willing, her daughter is invited if she desires to come. At the same time, let your daughter know that this does not mean she and the girl have to be BFF's -- it is only a gesture of good will and being kind.
I think you are 100% correct in what you did. In a few days or weeks, you can approach the mom and say, You know, I am sorry you were hurt or upset about your daughter not being invited. That is all you can say. She can choose to take it or leave it. I don't think you need to offer any explaination. It sounds like she was more hurt by it than her daughter. Her daughter probably didn't even know. And I can understand that as a mom, wanting your child to be included, but sometimes the reality is just that - you don't always get invited.
Just be yourself. These type of situations are not fun at all. Hang in there.
Sucks for your daughter big time, poor thing. I would have to say that if the other mom is being that immature, her daughter has no chance of every growing up to be okay. I feel you and your girl are right to avoid them as much as you can, especially since you have talked to the mom about it. Some people are just not worth your time and attention. Sorry you have to go through this.
Your daughter, your house, your rules. The other girl caused problems for your daughter by lying and being too clingy "expecting" to be part of everything your daughter's life. Kids friends come and go just like the tide - one day they are best buds the next they are enemies and the next they are friends again until one does something the ends the relationship.
Your daughter is cordial to the other girl in school and that is fine. She should have to cater to someone she does not like or get along with outside of school. You have provided other friends for her and she is happy with them. Sorry for the other girl but life is like this real and in your face.
Keep up the good work by showing your daughter that she can choose who she likes and does not. That she can have x, y and z at her house without having d.
As others have said if the mom asks about having the girls together and you have plans already just say you are busy. This could mean you have a dinner or something planned as a family affair. It hurts but it is better to find out now than as an adult because no one would stand up to you.
Best to the two of you.
The other S.
PS We can't please everybody and we shouldn't.
It sounds like you've been doing the right thing. I just want to mention something to help you see the other perspective. Yes, this other mom and even her daughter may have issues. But if I felt like my daughter was being excluded and saw how hurt she was by it, I think my momma claws would come out as well. It's not easy being a mom and we just have to do what we think is best. We can't make everyone happy all the time. And our ultimate responsibility is to raise and protect our children the best we can.
