Another Baby? - Oneida,NY

Had one at 40, never intended to have another and have never had any desire to. DS is 5-1/2 now, has never asked for a sibling. I feel like I would have so much less time for him if he had to share DH and me with another child. I could never do that to him (my opinion, I have 2 siblings and don't remember feeling deprived of time or attention as a child). What if my second child was disabled - how could I ask my son to assume his/her care when I die?

As an "only" myself, I can tell you I did NOT want to HAVE an only. (DH, one of five, didn't want 5, either - LOL!) We were 36 when DS#1 was born (C-section), and 39 when DS#2 was born, and it's the best thing we've ever done. There is a bond between siblings (even when they bicker) that canNOT be replaced by anyone else. I have cousins I am very close to (one lives less than 10 minutes from me now) but it's just not the same.

My $0.02.

Since bringing a new person into the world has such a tremendous impact on your body and emotions, your family dynamics, and even the state of the world, I hope you won't do it unless you are 100% sure that's the best thing you could possibly do.

I have had one daughter (now 40 year old) who was happy being an only, and was such a delight to raise. I knew I would never be able to afford a second child, so put that out of my mind early. And I have never regretted stopping with my one delightful girl. She, in turn, is raising one amazing, social and well-adjusted little boy, now 5, and is happy with stopping while she's ahead.

Siblings are sometimes wonderful together, sometimes terrible. I have three younger sisters, and our interactions have been poor to miserable for our whole lives. And they will not only be no support to me as I assist my aging mother, two of the three repeatedly demand care and assistance from me because I'm oldest (by only 2 years).

Your son can get great socialization from friends and playdates. Onlies have some pretty fantastic advantages if you work it right. But if you do decide to have another, I hope he/she is everything you hope for.

I'm an only child who has always been perfectly happy with it -even enduring my mother's sickness and death and my aging father. I know siblings with great relationships and many who wish they were only children. The only reasonto have another is if you really want it! I have two, and I love both with all my heart, but I would have been fine with only one as well. Givingyour child a sibling is not a good reason to have another. Do it if YOU and your husband want to have a baby.

Some siblings are close friends while others are life long enemies.
You never know what you are going to get.
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and still don't get along after 50 years.
The bickering and hair pulling was never ending.
I wished I was an only child.
Having a younger sister was pure torture.
My husband is an only child and he was perfectly happy.
Our son is very happy to be an only child.
He doesn't have to share us and we don't have to split time/attention/resources.
We're very happy with one child and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the opposite of you, I had a traumatic pregnancy. I had a c-section which was a breeze. My husband and I decided to have just my son, and we are very happy with our decision.

Not every child will want to play with their siblings. Both my husband and I are not close with our siblings, and we never were. I never played with my sisters, and there is 3 years total age difference, between 3 of us. In fact, I know more people who are not close to their siblings, then are. I know one person who did not like being an only, but every other only child I know have no ill feelings toward it. When my parent's pass, I will not lean on my sisters for support. I will lean on my husband and friends. My son has so many friends and family that love him, and he is not lonely. DNA does not equal closeness. I have never had anything in common with my sisters. I think DNA is the only thing we have in common!!

If you only DESIRE for YOURSELF one child, then that is the best thing for your family. Having a child, for another child...saddles your existing child with a lot. What if, they don't like having a sibling? What if they don't get along? What if, they never achieve closeness? Desire is the only reason, to have a child. Children don't get to make adult choices for a reason, do not assume your child has any capacity to truly know what they want. It's YOUR decision only.

I agree that this is a very personal decision. And I don't know if I am the right person to offer advice since you asked if "anyone has one child and is happy with their decision." Almost sounds like you are wanting to be talked into just one -- you have to look to yourself to know if that is true. But I am in the "have another" camp. I have 4 and love it.
And I just wanted to share a little about a wedding I recently attended. I didn't know the bride well, but I do know that she was 25 and an only child (not sure if that was choice or circumstance, but doesn't really matter). Her father had never been in her life, and her uncle was listed among the "loved ones not with us today" so I am thinking he may have been a father figure type guy, not sure when he passed. Her mother died a couple years ago. Her fiance works for my husband and I remember him telling my husband how difficult it was for her to endure the challenges of caring for her mother, medical decision making, and funeral arrangements all on her own. Yes, he was there, but it is not the same as a sibling in that kind of situation. She had to plan her wedding without a mother, sister, or brother to turn to. And then to know all she has been thru recently and watch her walk down the aisle alone (groom did meet her halfway and escort her to the front), I could just imagine her standing behind those closed doors just before they opened, waiting for the happiest moment of her life so far -- and she was alone. Fortunately she is marrying into a wonderful family who can't wait to treat her as their own, you could totally see it. Her now SIL was her maid of honor. But I really can't imagine how alone she would feel if she had never met her fiance. And no matter how great her finace's family is, I don't think in laws can replace personal family.
I think it is common for siblings to go thru periods of not getting along, but rare for that to continue thru their entire lives. Having a second child is an adjustment, and not a decision to be made lightly. But in my opinion the advantages of a sibling outweigh the advantages of being an only. I can't imagine my life without my sisters, and my heart grows every time I see my kids loving each other, giving to each other, helping each other. I am so glad they will always have each other, especially when I am dead and gone. I can't imagine someone having another baby and regretting it, but again I have 4, so you can take that with a grain of salt i guess.

I would say that it depends.

You say you're worried emotionally.
If it is because you are worried that you wouldn't be able to love another baby the way you do your 1st... I think a lot of women can't imagine having the same intense feelings of love for another child as they do for the child that they already have and adore. I can tell you though, as a mom of 4, that your heart just grows.
If you are worried because you're afraid you won't be able to juggle everything with the care of 2, you'll figure it all out. It can be a little rough at first, but you develop new routines based on what you find works.

If you really don't want a 2nd, but you are worried that you will disappoint your husband, that's different. You have to be honest with yourself. Wanting a baby, but being afraid and not wanting a baby, but feeling pressured (just because you know your husband wants another) are 2 different things. If you are only afraid, I'd tell you to go for it. If you feel pressured, but don't want one, I would recommend not having another.

Maybe your feelings will change down the road, maybe they won't, but IMHO you should only have a baby because you really want to.

btw- I also had a horrible delivery with my 1st, and opted for a c-section with my others. Much better :)

Best wishes!!! =0)

I was happy with just 1 for 6 years. Time or God, or fate has a way of deciding these things for you.

Don't not have another baby because of delivery worries. Instead, find a different Dr and approach and make it work.

I think all kids need at least one sibling just to learn how to be a big/little brother/sister. They end up keeping each other company and doing so much together. When you are gone they'll have each other too.

Well, I have 2 and that is perfect for us. I think siblings really matter more as one gets older--my 91 year old grandmother and her 87 year old "little" brother talk daily. My parents also are closer with their remaining siblings as they are getting older too.

My kids are 3 years apart and I stressed the whole second pregnancy about managing both kids. The delivery was rough and it was a big adjustment for everyone but I eventually got the hang dealing with both kids. The first few months or a year is hard but it gets better. Now that my little one is almost 3 they are starting to play together better it definitely seems well worth it.

You can always journal on it for a while and see what you come up with.

Of course only you and your husband can make that decision. But, like you, I had a horrible, traumatic vaginal delivery that took a long time to heal physically, and even longer emotionally. But I always wanted to give my son a sibling. I came to the decision... First, I was not going to have the same birth experience. Every birth is different. Besides, if things started to move in the same direction during labor, I would do things differently. Also, second births are just easier. And third, I decided that I wasn't going to let fear of the unknown keep me from bringing another person into our family. Long story short, I went for it, did things very differently (had a waterbirth at home), and it was great. I am now expecting baby # 3 in February. Good luck to you, whatever you decide. Just try to keep an open mind and trust your instincts!

If you're worried about not having enough love for two, I think you can put that aside. As a mom, you will always have enough love for both of them.

If you're worried about the delivery, find another doctor, and don't be worried if it ends up as a c-section. My sister had her daughter 6 years ago and she had a horrible vaginal delivery as well (lost a lot of blood, had lots of stitches), and she tried to have a second one as soon as possible (she was almost 35), and unfortunately has not been able to conceive.

I was a single child and I was definitely always wanting a sibling to play with. I did have half-siblings, but they never lived with me growing up. I always talked about having a sibling to play with ("couldn't we adopt an asian baby?" or "can't Cathy stay to play?" (my 1/2 sister)).

I never intended to have any kids, but I have three now (3,2 and 11 months). It just "happened". I'm frazzled on a daily basis, but they love to play with each other (even though there is fighting), and it gives them something to do during the day. They learn from each other, and they love each other (it is the cutest thing to see them hug and kiss each other -- my son (2) sometimes gets this big grin and can't help but go grab his sister for a hug). I think even if I had the first one....and were more "careful" not to have #2 and #3 so quickly, I definitely would have planned a #2.

If the thign that's keeping you from having another baby and you want your son to have a sibling, why not consider looking into adoption?

First thing is to remember that there is no hurry to have a second child, since you' ve already had your first. The danger of having problems with having a child after 35 is lower if you've already had one. The best thing for you to do is to heal and rebuild your body first to prepare it for a second child. Each pregnancy is different so if your body is in good shape, you will stand less of a chance for complications. On to the second thing I see in your posting...It looks like both you and your hubby want a second child. If this is true, then have one after you rebuild your body and health. Don't use the "only child" myths as an excuse to have a child. You want one, then have one.

In answer to your question about someone having an only child and happy...Yes, I'm very happy I just had one child by choice. He isn't lonely, is very mature, and extremely smart to the point of being a brain drain. (lol) He has lots of friends in school and we even have them over to the house. They love it, because there aren't any little ones following them around like at their house. Our house is like a sanctuary when our son needs one. I don't feel that having more than one child is wrong, because everyone is different. Some moms can handle lots of children very well and others only have enough time for one. There is no wrong or right side to the coin. Just do what you need to make you and hubby feel happy.

I have two and wanted three but my hubby won't hear of it, so were at two. When I found out I was pregnant with my second I almost decided to get an abortion because I just thought it was too soon. I didn't know how we would afford it, how could I possibly get anything done with two. Two carseats, double strollers, clothing, etc. I was so afraid of everything. I decided if got wanted me to have this child which obviously he did I was on the pill and still got pregnant then it was meant to be. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I have my two daughter's. They play together all the time, they fight all the time and they love each other always. It's not easy but so worth it, I was an only child sort of. I have three sisters the closest one in age to me is 15years my senior. By the time I was old enough to want to have company she was gone. I remember growing up and being very lonely and always wishing I had someone to play with. That was just my experience there are other folks who posted they didn't mind it, for me it was hard. If your even posting this I suspect you do want another one but need either some encouragement or guidance. Good luck with your decision either way.

Sometimes thats a decision you can only decide. I have twins who are 21 mnths old and I am pregnant again. My husband wanted another one right away and it took me time to decide. I am excited about having another one and you may also be. I think every woman should at least experience 1-2 pregnancies. Do not live in regret in the future, and you can also opt for a c-section. My sister in law and my brother have a 10 year old and they are dying to have another one. They said one child is great but they would like another baby and more kids in the house. Everyone is different but do not make a decision based on a bad delivery. C-section is not bad at all. Good luck!

I have one and am longing for another but hubby says we can't afford one. We waited too long. I am 40 and probably out of time. I say you have time to decide. I had my first at 39. Good luck.

Hubby wanted baby #2 for a while. I didnt feel "done" but I never felt quite ready and I was scared of having another rough labor. Plus I would have been content with just 1.
Then on Christmas morning, my daughter was playing with her toys by herself (I was making breakfast and hubby was cleaning up the wrapping paper). That's when it hit me like a lightning bolt - she needs someone to play with (not just mom and dad). So we decided to try in the New Year. 9 months later, baby #2 joined us. And now I feel DONE.
Moral of my story: listen to your heart/body...they wont lead you down the wrong path.

ok...now stop blogging and start baby making. :-)