Annoying Friends

Why are you defending snobby girls? This girl is just trying to be friends with them, maybe if they really give her a chance they may find out they actually have a lot in common. They are lucky this girl wants to be their friend.

How very sad. Your daughter and friend are the snotty girls .... the bullies. And this poor "Paige" still wants to be friends with them. And your words "they are really trying to make Paige not like them anymore" and "they were nice to her at first..... which was a bad idea" make me think they learned it at home.

How awful not to be inclusive to a girl who actually DOES have something in common with them, which is their sports. Shame on you for encouraging this kind of behavior.

Deal with it by telling them they need to treat this girl the way they'd want to be treated. Shunned or included?

What is wrong with the girls having another friend? You state they are all teammates so that is common ground enough. Is there more to why they don't want to be friends with Paige? As a weird kid and now a weird adult I can definitely see it from the other side. People who act as though they are friendly in the 1st place, as your daughter and her friend have done, then turn around to be anything but are shown for the despicable people they truly are.

Charity is taught at home. It sounds like a lesson your daughter and her friend need to learn. I feel bad for Paige, not your daughter.

I think that to exclude Paige now and to actively be rude to her would be setting her up for disappointment -- after all, your daughter and her friends have been pretending to like her for a while now -- and would be an unkind act on their part. I don't know about you but, I know from experience that rejection, especially at this tender age, can really be rough and it can affect your self-esteem for the rest of your life.

You haven't said anything in your querie that really gives an indication about why your daughter and her friend cannot be more accepting of Paige's differences except that maybe she is possibly socially inept. But girls who are socially inept do not have to be socially inept all their lives. Actively excluding her now is not going to help her overcome her social hang ups -- just the opposite, I would think.

I have to say that, if all the girls on the basketball team are friends, hang out and have slumber parties together and Paige is the one girl on the basketball team that they don't want to include into this clique, then that is not a very good thing at all.

I just don't understand why it is beneficial to teach our kids that it is okay to exclude. Or why you should be friends with only those people that are just like you. I do think we should teach our girls to be selective with their friendships but only because we don't want them to succomb to peer pressure and get sidetracked by making bad decision. But it should be okay to teach our kids that it is okay, and actually a really good thing, to have a variety of friends out there, and to show compassion to a fellow peer that maybe stumbling socially but otherwise has a very good heart.

That's just what I think.

I'm sorry I'm truly not trying to make you feel bad but................. if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to be friends with yours.
:(

I agree with LovingLife. I really feel for "Paige". I was the odd, socially awkward girl in school. I spent three years of middle school by myself- I had no friends. I was miserable and hated school. I also had serious issues going on at home that made it hard for me to relate to other kids. I had nothing in common with them- while they were hanging out together, doing normal kid things I was at home dealing with the hell I was living in. But I so wanted to have friends. I wanted to fit in. Maybe there are other things going on in Paige's life that make it hard for her to fit in. Do you know how it feels not to have any friends? Have you walked into a lunchroom and had no one to sit with and ended up sitting alone at an empty table while kids laughed and talked to each other all around you? Have you been totally alone with no one to talk to or just be around? Have you walked the halls listening to the other kids talk and joke and make plans with their friends while you were all alone? And instead of reaching out and really trying to get to know this poor girl, your daughter and her friends led her on and are now trying to shun her. They are really trying to make Paige not like them? Wow. I wouldn't want my daughter to have friends like that. I think the problem here is that your daughter and her friends aren't being taught compassion and being there for other people.

Paige may have any one of a number of issues with social relationships. My son, for example, has a friend with Asperger's syndrome who is on the track team with them. This boy is very nice underneath but has some issues with reading "social cues" and body language. The boy is brilliant and very funny, but he has an odd way of talking. The boys on the team actually made an effort to befriend him, and to protect him from anyone who ostracized him or bullied him.

I'd encourage your daughter and her friend to reach out to this girl and be compassionate - she may have a great deal to offer but just isn't able to show it in a "normal" way. It's really just another form of "normal" in my mind. They may have much more in common than they think, if they just work at it. If they are on teams together, they really have to find some way to bond anyway, to build team spirit.

Paige may be trying to say "I'd like to get to know you" but it comes across as "Let's have a sleepover right now." She doesn't have the ability to read that they are trying to ignore her and make her not like them. How much nicer, and how much more rewarding, it would be if your daughter and her friend learned a little more about people who are "differently abled" and tried to reach out a little. Paige is probably treated badly by a lot of people who aren't as understanding - maybe your daughter and her friend could be leaders in this area. Once they are friendly, they can gently encourage Paige to not push so hard. But Paige can't read their cues right now - maybe won't ever be able to - but once they are friendly, there might be a lot there, and then they can talk more frankly.

My son and his teammates found that this one boy is really hysterical and SO much fun, once they figured out his different ways of doing things. And the boys are so much better prepared to go forward in life and deal with different kinds of people than they would have been if they had closed off a kid who needed, and deserved, to be included in the team. They cheered for him as loudly as for anyone else, and this boy really blossomed. You cannot imagine the joy in his life and his parents' lives because he found a group of good and loyal friends.

Why is "Paige" so weird?.....Why cant your daughter just continue to be nice and have a "weird" friend.

Why does your daughter NOT like her?

i guess i dont see the problem.

I Have alot of "weird friends". and had alot of weird friends in h/s...they are/were my favorite ones. Dont encourage the snubbing, and social isolation, being cool in h/s means nothing in the long run, empathy and compassion are what actually matters in life. Start now.

What if your daughter was the "weird kid," Paige? How would you feel if girls only pretended to befriend her? To me, you, your daughter, and her friends acted inappropriately, not Paige. She thought your daughter and her friends honestly wanted to be friends, and she wanted to continue the friendship. How was she to know that is was false?

Can I just say that my first thought is, what are you teaching your daughter? You sound more like a older version of "mean girls."

My heart goes out to Paige, and all those "weird kids" who are just trying their best to get by in life and make friends.

well, it seems as though they might want to sit down and talk with her. Be a good Christian example and show your daughter, we all have our differences in life, but we should except everyone as God's image. I can understand why you would be a little annoyed, but look at it from Paige's point of view. She is probably a loner, looking for some social contact. If your girls are the ones that invited her, she feels as though they were reaching out for contact with her. Your daughter could find someone that she could related to that they could connect her with so she feels as though she has a friend, other than your daughter.
Being one of the socially inept in high school, I can understand Paige's perspective. She is just wanting a friend. Be gentle with Paige, you don't want to hurt her to the point of serious mental issues late in life because her only 2 friends just dumped her off. I can understand their issue, but remind them that there are some people that are not as "popular" but just need a friend.

I understand both sides. "Paige" is that annoying girl who is slightly socially inept. Probably she has no friends or very few friends. Your daughter and her friend are annoyed with her social ineptness. Paige just wants to be friends.

First, is there anything about Paige that your daughter likes? Is she fun but overbearing? Perhaps your daughter needs to set boundaries with her, but in a nice way. You can coach your daughter on this. Perhaps your daughter can nicely say "Paige, I had fun at the sleepover and I'd love to get together with you again, but please stop asking every weekend because I have other things to do. How about we plan another one in a month or so?" I think it's a good lesson to all the girls. It teaches your daughter how to set boundaries but in a nice way. That's a great skill to have since there will be many people in her life that will push the boundaries. And it can help Paige out by teaching her that her overbearing behavior is not going to win her friends, but that backing off with help.

Just dropping Paige as a friend will just leave her clueless...and friendless.

Awww I feel bad for Paige! My daughter I'm sure would love to be friends with her but then again my daughter gets along with everyone and never shuns anybody, unless they themselves are bullies....

You are setting a horrible example for your daughter. You should be teaching her tolerence and compassion. I'm sorry, but you are raising a "mean girl".

I get the feeling Paige isn't as "cool" as your daughter and her friends. She is awkward. She isn't popular. Likely she doesn't have the coolest clothes or she isn't as pretty, too tall, too thin, overweight, no makeup? Maybe she is poor. Maybe she isn't as gifted an athlete. Maybe she's not the kind of girl that boys fall all over, or maybe she isn't into boys at all. Maybe it makes your daughter feel less popular to be associated with her. So what?! Her biggest crime is being too friendly and inviting your daughter and her friends for a sleepover? It sounds like Paige is really trying to befriend some girls who are different from her, it's too bad your daughter and her friends have to put up with such an "annoyance" It sounds like you're feeling like you need to help your daughter unload Paige so she doesn't cramp her style. What about talking about the true meaning of being a friend and a kind person? Do all of her friends need to be exactly alike or they're not worthy any of her friendship? She doesn't have to sleepover at Paige's house every weekend, for goodness sake, but if my daughter accepted a sleepover with someone, I would sure be talking to her about how kind that was for her to be invited, and most highly encouraging her to in turn invite Paige over or out to do something together. Other times, she can go out with her other friends. I would encourage her to be a leader and model in kindness, and accepting those who different instead of trying to help find a way to exclude a classmate and teammate who has been nothing but nice to her.

I feel sorry for "needy" Paige and I feel sorry for your daughter that led her on and now doesnt know how to get Paige off her back. Honesty is always the best policy. If your daughter and Paige arent close there is no reason for your daughter to invite her for sleep overs unless she's the only one on the team being excluded, that would just be way too rude.
Your daughter needs to be friendly but also needs to learn how to keep an arms distance when she doesnt want someone to think they've become one of her besties. Teens are very emotional, Paige sounds like she needs to be treated kindly but will get the hint eventually that she's not one of your daughters best friends if your daughter learns to draw a line. Social situations at school teach us how to treat others and how we want others to treat us. Your daughter needs to learn when to walk away from Paige so Paige knows where she stands. I hope your daughter and her friends will not be mean or arrogant to this poor young girl, it kind of makes me sad to read this. You can be kind to everyone, but you dont have to have everyone as a best friend. And your daughter shouldnt have to be mean to Paige in order for Paige to get the hint, your daughter just needs to be patient and realize that Paige's feelings are at stake and tread lightly on them.

It sound to me like you are encouraging your daughter to be a judgmental snob. Paige certainly deserves better friends than that. You asked how to handle this: look at yourself and what your teaching your daughter. Kids learn from what they observe, and what comes around goes around.

Like others posted, this girl may just not have much social experience or skill. She may indeed not be the coolest kid around. That is no reason for your daughter and other friends to cut her out like this. They did lead her on with friendly overtures and now want to dump her when she quite naturally responds to their actions. Take another look at Diane B's excellent response. Why not use this time to teach compassion and friendliness that embraces someone who is maybe a bit awkward? How do your girl and her friends know they have nothing in common with Paige if they won't do anything with her other than on the teams?

Paige doesn't have to be their best buddy and start doing everything with them, but she may just back off the intensity a bit if the girls just do a few things with her. Neutral places other than home, like going to eat together, or going bowling or for other outings, might be more comfortable for all the girls than sleepovers, which create a long, too-intense time together. And the girls should not talk in front of Paige about other things they do together without her, nor should they talk only to each other or share in-jokes when she's present. But help your daughter look for some solutions, other than dumping the socially awkward kid. The time may come when your own daughter is the one on the outside, even if she's the cool and desirable one right now. As the adult here, you can teach with this. And please -- if you yourself are labeling Paige with terms like "annoying" and "weird," which you use in the post, of course your daughter will see her that way. Labels stick like glue at this age for kids, so please, step back from your daughter's viewpoint and help her see the bigger, more compassionate picture.

Poor Paige! She just wants friends. My neice is freshman and it she ever acts like your daughter and her friends I wll beat her butt! What's wrong with talking to her at lunch and on facebook? They could just say no to sleepovers. I think you should tell your daughter to be nice to this girl and to stop trying to make her not like them. You as a mother and an adult should be discouraging this type of behavior not finding ways to help them....

Hi Marissa,

I like Diane B.'s answer, but I also understand how difficult it can be for kids to set boundaries. Ask the coach what's really going on. It sounds like right now you're hearing what the girls have to say, which from a teenage perspective can be off. But maybe the coach has a few ideas too. If the coach isn't helpful, ask the guidance counselor. Maybe one or the other has some ideas.

This is an excellent learning opportunity for your daughter. Remember what goes around comes around. If your daughter is ever caught in a similar situation you want her to be able to look at what they are doing without guilt and with a healthy attitude of saying, "I know when I was in their position, this is what I did..."

I'm not saying she doesn't have to set up boundaries, but learning to be inclusive with boundaries is healthy and a good life lesson.

I applaud you for taking the chance to help her work this out. I always tell my kids, "Even the president has advisers, you don't have to work it out all alone."

S.

Maybe it would help if you told us what is "weird" about Paige, there may be very real, very legitamate reasons your daughter doesnt want to be around Paige, but not telling us the reasons makes it sound like your daughter is being judgmental saying Paige isnt cool enough cuz her appearance isn't cool or something shallow. Most likely it is more than that, yes? Are Paiges problems so bad your daughter felt very sorry for her? does Paige need help?(make sure Paige isnt cutting or using drugs-you'd be surprised what girls won't tell their mothers) Does Paige need to be told she's doing things that are socially inappropriate? It may be very hard for you daughter to say "Paige dont do that (or say that) in the school cafeteria" or "sleeping around wont get you anything but a reputation" or .... but Paige may listen to your daughter's honest remarks if said kindly

Girls like Paige don't usually "get" the message, through no fault of their own. I had a similar situation in school. I remember that I understood that this girl didn't "get" that it just wasn't clicking,as far as the friend ship developing. I don't get why some people have an "all or nothing" approach. I would never want to sleep over at someone's house who was not a close friend. There is nothing wrong with your daughter keeping this girl at arms length. She should not "Fake" being friends when she doesn't want to be- IMHO that is crueler than keeping someone at a distance.

I have 2 teenage daughters (as well as two who are past the teen years). I think I get what you're saying: the girls are fine being casual acquaintances of Paige's but really aren't interested in developing the deeper friendship she would like. Sorry -- in my book, there's nothing wrong with that. And they don't owe her any more than a casual acquaintance, courtesy, and respect. They absolutely should not "try" to make her dislike them; they shouldn't be hurtful, make fun of her (whether she knows or not), make snarky comments behind her back or to others.

Good for you for raising a daughter who reaches out to the "weird kid" and tries to be kind and a little social. I'm sorry you're now having to help your daughter learn how to set limits of this kind. Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that can become uncomfortable for everyone -- Paige, your daughter, her friend, the rest of the team.

I disagree with many of the posters here. There's nothing wrong in wanting to set limits and in choosing your friends. The art comes in figuring out how to do it without being hurtful. Is there another girl your daughter knows who may have more in common with Paige? Can she introduce them? Perhaps another activity she can introduce Paige to? That would be terrific! Barring a way to find Paige a substitute, I think she needs to go with the "I'm sorry. I'm busy." comment -- as often as necessary. Ignore Facebook postings. We're Catholic so right now my daughter's excuse would be that she's giving up Facebook for Lent (of course, she really would have to but that wouldn't be a bad thing in my book!). I would caution your daughter and her friend not to be mean-spirited, not to speak cruelly or Paige or her attachment to them, not to speak harshly of her to others and never to make fun of her -- even when it's just the two of them. That type of thing would be, in my book, bullying and snobby behavior. Genuinely not liking someone and not wishing to be falsely "close" is no crime. She tried. She tried again. It's a relationship that isn't going to work for your daughter. Nothing wrong with that.

I would think if your daughter and her friend are that old, then this is something that they can figure out on their own and probably don't need their mother's to be involved in...sorry!