We have been together for the past 7 years and married for 5 years. He has not worked for the past 4 years. I have tried everything to motivate him to get up and get going. I have gone so far as to move out of the state to get some room (after lengthy discussions with my husband about why I was moving). This still did not motivate him to get up and get a job. Every time I bring up his employment situation and the fact he rarely contributes to the well-being and care of our children, he has another excuse. These excuses mostly revolve around the fact he can hustle together money by doing little work but if he gets a job he would likely earn the same amount of money but have to do a lot more. The assistance I receive probably averages out to $50 a month for 2 children. I no longer feel the love for him that I used to. I feel that I am starting to be attracted to other men although I have never acted on these feelings. I am lonely and annoyed and feel that if my husband cared he would try harder. I am at a loss. Has anyone else experienced this?
Life is short........ I think you have answered you own question. You are raising another child that will never be independent.
Sounds like he is depressed... can you make him see a doctor?
you and my sisters have both been in the same boat ... one ended in divorce and the other is still working it out but I think she is willing to walk away very soon as well. I personally have not been in this situation but I think you need to discuss with him that you are loosing something BIG from him and that is security ... he no longer makes you feel secure.
Sounds like depression to me.. Have him see a dr and you two need to get into counseling.
On another note - I use to work and had a big career/money. When the economy tanked my company shut down a bunch of offices and we decided I would become a SAHM. I ALWAYS worked (from 14 on!) and sometimes had 2 jobs... and let me tell you not working for the last 3 years.... it's kind of hard to see myself going back.
I know horrible right? But it's weird - once your out of it for so long it just becomes a little overwhelming to think about it /actually get back into it. I never thought this would happen to me, but it has... that's why I think counseling would help b/c there may be some fear/depression/overwhelmed feelings he needs to move through.
You are feeling like this because you do not respect him anymore, and very understandably so!!
Before you guys do anything. Make sure he gets a full physical . He needs to be checked for low testosterone and then he needs to be evaluated for depression..
If it all checks out, then you need to decide if he is a good healthy example to your children 24 hours a day, if not go to therapy together to help you decide if he is dedicated to getting full time work to help support his family.
Always try to find a solution before you give up. That way you will know you tried and your children will also know you did not just give up with out trying. They are watching the 2 of you and how you are each handling this.
Yes! I'm in the same boat as you.
Lots of women are these days.
You can't MAKE him do anything. All you can do it take care of yourself. If you need to see a counselor, do so. At least for yourself.
I know how maddening it is to feel like you're doing absolutely everything, and then some. The sad thing is, the more self-suffiecient we get, the less needed he feels. So I try to go out of my way to make him feel needed. Even if it's just asking for help opening a tight jar. I also make sure to make some physical contact every day with him. Like a long hug.
Sorry. I'm rambling. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one going thorugh this. It's really tough.
There are many things that go into making a good marraige - communication, compromise, working together to reach your shared goals/dreams, respect. It sounds like all of these have disappeared from your marraige. It's time to make a decission, either work together to fix the problems, or go your separate ways.
i have zero patience for men who will not work.
zero.
some people suggest you haven't tried enough yet. i think moving out of state is a pretty big wake up call.
'annoyance' is such a mellow word. i would be way way beyond 'annoyed.'
khairete
S.
Two months ago you posted that you and your husband work 8-5?? Is this his hustling?? No, I haven't experienced this.
You feel the way you do because you don't have a partner any more in any sense of the word. He's not living up to his promise to support his family.
But here's the thing... this is for poorer and for worse. I would encourage marriage counseling before encouraging you to legally separate and then divorce. I didn't see anything in your post about having done marriage counseling. It can really work when you have the right counselor. I promise. But if/when you do separate make sure it's documented legally.
Follow your heart so you can get on with your life. If you ask him to see a doctor and he refuses then he has no intentions not only of not getting a job, but for creating a better future for you and your family. Decide if you want to work on it or go forward with you and your children.
i agree with Kristina. and i what man does not want to provide for his family? this is why i am harder on my son then my daughter. he has to one day provide for himself and a family. and i let him be lazy and not care about himself then he will carry that into adulthood. and that is the reason my SO works so hard he doesn't want to set a bad example for my son and his son(even though his son won't and doesn't want to catch on). best of wishes to you!
I agree with the woman below, I think you are answering your own question on what to do. A father is supposed to provide for his family (in a traditional sense, nothing against the career mom and sahm dad). Was he lazy when you were first dating? He clearly doesn't care and has checked out since you take care of everything. Is he depressed or just truly an excuse guy?
You posted on February 11th that you and your husband work 9-5 daily, you were looking for childcare between 3 and 5 pm. How can it be that you say he works then and here you say he hasn't worked for years, except hustling (does that mean sporadic paid under-the-table work?) to give you $50.00 a month? This is confusing.
With the moving around that you have done, you've managed to find work, and he could too if he wanted to.
