Ank You everyMy 5 Year Old Daughter Acts Spoiled, Entitled, and Just Plain Awful

Counseling for you and hubby. He is teaching her that you do not deserve respect and you have no authority in your own home.

I would tell him counseling or divorce.

1) Get the Love and Logic books. Stick to the program no matter what your husband does.

2) Without your husbands help it will be less than perfect but I expect she will learn she can act up with Dad, but not with you..... which is something.

Sounds like you need a divorce. Your dysfunctional relationship is hurting your daughter and she's going to turn out to be a brat as an adult.

I know that sounds harsh, but children are products of their environments. And the environment she's in right now sounds like exactly the opposite of what a five year old needs. So... either take steps to put your daughter first, or accept the fact that you're going to be raising a "spoiled, entitled and awful" child.

H., you have just described the reason for your problem when you say that your husband and you don't have good communication and raise her separately.

That is the source of your problem, and it will continue to cause problems, which will get worse as your child gets older, especially when she's a teen. When two parents are in a home, and raise kids separately and don't support each other, the result is confusion in a kid and bad behavior.

You don't explain why you have given up on getting your husband on board. You say there is no way -- but couldn't you go to counseling?

Other moms might give you good suggestions, but if you implement consequences with your daughter, which your husband undermines or overrules, you almost have a lost cause on your hands. If he is just hands off, then you can achieve it. But if he disagrees with you and then gives your daughter the message that she doesn't have to listen to you, it's really, really hard to succeed.

Although you've made it clear that you and he are at opposite poles, I still think you need to get husband on board. I agree with ReverendRuby -- tell him counseling or divorce (assuming it's as bad with him as you indicate).

It's not unusual.
Most kids will try playing all sides against the middle at one point or another.
I knew a girl who was being raised by her single Mom and they all lived across the street with Mom's parents (grandparents).
"Mom, can I .....?" Mom - 'No'.
"Grandma, can I....?" Grandma (less often) - 'No'.
"Grandpa, can I...?" Grandpa (almost always) - 'Yes'.
Basically when ever she got an answer she didn't like she appealed to a higher court until she got a more favorable response.
And look out! on the rare occasion when she actually got a universal 'No' across the board.
Sad to say this little girl grew up (a bit) and became a teen Mom herself (at 16 - much like her mother) and the whole miserable cycle was repeating itself big time when I graduated college and moved away.
Parents need to be on the same page or you are going to have a very rough time of it.
Perhaps talking to your husband and asking him if there's ANYTHING he can imagine behavior-wise from your daughter that would be intolerable to him would be a good way to open some communication with him.

isnt your husband annoyed by her tantrums? doesnt he want her to grow up to be a healthy young adult and not one that plays her parents constantly?

i dont get how you can behappy in a relationship like that?

Even with my boyfriend if i disagree with something he;s doing/saying I wait until Emmy goes to bed and we speak about it so she knows there is a united front. We ussually back eachother up also (working on making ussually always, on my end not his). I dont see how your relationship is healthy for her to see.

ETA my daughter is 6 and ha turned into an overly emoional crazed girl lately, so i feel for you

H. - I had to go back and make sure I didn't change my screen name to H. - because........I am in the EXACT saame situation.......my husband is a pushover and doesn't feel the kids can do any wrong. Due to behaviors my son has been kicked out for a day here or day there from daycare; in addition he is only in Kindergarten and at least once a week is in the pricipals office. We have gone, as a family, to behavioral therpists, phsychologists, etc. etc. etc. and they all give us the advice of play therapy and other things, setting boundaries, being on the same page, etc. etc. etc. For maybe a week my husband would be on the same page, then going back to letting them do whatever they want. He undermines me ALL THE TIME too!

So, due to the above, and, of course, lack of communication, lack of respect, etc. etc. I am filing for divorce.

As long as he's there to rescue her, you don't stand a chance in he!! of changing things. She will continue to look to dad, he will continue to come to the rescue.

If your hubby met my daughter and spent some time talking to her, he would come around, believe me. My daughter is 32 years and and is spoiled, entitled and awful - just like your LO.

So, if you think you don't really like her at 5, just wait until she's 25 and still the same way!

You really only have three options. Get your hubby on board and attend some parenting classes or family counseling; or let things continue the way they are; or leave your hubby and get her on the right track.

Good luck! I can imagine that life isn't too fun right now. Hang in there. Hopefully it will get better.

I'm really with Reverend Ruby and Rosebud on this one: counseling or divorce. The status quo cannot continue. (I once had a husband who thought it was fine for his friends to be disrespectful to me. He is no longer my husband.)

For now, I'll recommend what I've been doing with my son to help him be aware of his attitude (which wasn't great, but not rude-- just for different reasons) without a lot of discussion. I'm not a huge fan of kids being rewarded for doing what they're supposed to, but sometimes kids need to actually physically see when they've done well. This is my "dot" system. (This will not replace the deeper changes that need to be made in your family relationships, but it's worth a shot.)

I started by putting ten blue dots on a piece of paper. I sat my son down, had him count how many there were, and then explained to him what was going to happen: every time we had cooperation, willingness to follow directions right away, good effort on homework or other task, he could earn a blue dot (or two or three, depending on what I was seeing-- as in, extra-cooperative, cheerfully doing a task could be three dots if it was something that was previously challenging/a hassle, etc.). Poor attitude, rudeness, complaining and not doing the task gets 1 or 2 red dots. Earn them up. Newly earned blue dots 'cross out' the red dot and therefore, do not 'count' on the blue dot tally.

When we get to 100 blue dots, we get to go do a fun something or other, right away. This time, it's the nickel arcade.

We have had pretty good success with this for now. We never tell him "well, you could have earned X blue dots but you didn't"... we just let it go. We are trying to help him focus on the positive behaviors in a good way, and to make that our main focus. Immediately after the behavior has taken place, we let him know "I'm putting up two dots because you got all your jobs done without being reminded." So, when the annoying negative behaviors come up, I simply give one 'awareness' warning "Do you think this is would earn a blue dot or a red dot? Do you want to change what you are doing right now? Show me with your actions, please." and then go forward accordingly.

And just to reiterate, counseling. Even if it's only you and your daughter, go. I have seen exactly what you are describing with a friend's child (the parents are divorced, by the way). You will need support; you have a tough road ahead because even if you separate, if your husband thinks it's fine to undermine you and raise up his child to be an unpleasant person she will still be getting that green light from one parent. My guess, though, is that if she turns that behavior toward him at some point, he might not like what he sees. If "This is between me and her" doesn't work for your husband, maybe take off for a week and let him deal with her on his own. Might be an enlightening experience for him!

Counseling or divorce. If he will not get counseling to save your marriage, then you need to do what's best for you and your child. Are you at the point of divorce? Staying together for the sake of the child does not work - it's not working now.

You say you are raising her separately basically because of how your husband and you are together. Are things that bad? Is there more to what he does?

You do NOT have a "functional working solution" at all - it's not functioning or working.

Get into therapy yourself if he won't go, to see if you can figure out what's going on for you. It may give you some clarity to deal with this so your child doesn't bear the brunt of her parents disfunctional relationship - because they do.

This isn't a child problem, but an adult problem. It's not who your daughter is, but what she's reacting to. This really isn't about fixing the child, but fixing the adults in the house.

I would honestly suggest marriage counseling and taking parenting classes together so that you're both on the same page. This is for your daughter's sake. She sounds confused and unhappy.

Sorry, H., but the awful one isn't your daughter. It's her parents.

I don't mean that to sound bad. But you're blaming the wrong person in your family. She's a child and you two have taught her that acting like this WORKS.

I don't quite understand your relationship with your husband, but it sounds like you two are bad roommates. Anyway, what you both need to do is take a parenting class. He sounds too permissive and you sound too strict. The conflict between you and your husband is what she is reacting to, so she acts crazy in order to get her way.

If you can't work with your husband, then you two are going to have a hellion of a teen on your hands in the coming years. What are you going to do then? You need to get some help - BOTH of you.

Dawn

You might consider something like Love and Logic, http://www.loveandlogic.com/

It teaches responsibility with natural consequence and she'll learn that she can't push your buttons, but what gets her in trouble are her choices. It's pretty effective,

If you cannot adjust your husband's parenting style, you are going to have to come at punishments from a different angle. Try finding ways to instill empathy. Volunteer and bring her along. Show her the benefits of helping and results of long term bad behavior. Do not term it as punishment but just something you need to do.

Also, pick your battles. Figure out what behaviors need the most attention and, for now, ignore the little stuff.

Ask that your husband agree to one or two hard and fast rules that are obviously necessary (like no lying or physical attacks) and how they are punished. If cannot bring himself to punish, he should not interfere with you doing so. Even write them out and post them so there is no question what they are and what will happen.

You could try videotaping her and play it back later and ask her if that's the type of person she wants to be.

My SD went through a tough period when she was about 6. There was a lot going on in her life, so it was understandable. Grandma and Grandpa (whom they lived with) would say "yes" when her father would say "no." Her grandparents thought it was "cute" that she was "smart enough" to work hard to get what she wanted, and they thought it was a wonderful quality.

Finally my husband videotaped her and showed it to her. He videotaped one of her fits, and videotaped her acting all sugary-sweet to her grandparents. Then he showed it to her and asked her if that was the type of person she wanted to be.

He also reinforced that he would say "no" BECAUSE he loved her. He said that eating a lot of sweets would cause her to have bad teeth (which she already did) and to be overweight.

He also started doing immediate consequences. Short-term, immediate ones. Grandma would often come by and see her crying and say "Ohhh, poor baby!" so my husband just started giving immediate consequences.

He would also ask her if it was "worth it" to have a big fit, or to go to someone else for a "yes."

I think calling her on her behavior helped. I do know sometimes he said "I know you are going to run to your grandma now and see if she will give you what you want. And she will probably say 'yes.' Please ask yourself if it's worth it to you to be that type of sneaky person, and to disappoint me. Sneaky people are like robbers. They get what they want, but it's not worth it." That seemed to stop her in her tracks.

Praising her extensively for self-control and for following her father's instructions helped as well.

Good luck!

You both need to the same page for rules and discipline for your daughter otherwise she will continue to act this way. It's plain and simple.

S.