Angry Child

I went through this with my oldest when the baby was born. He was VERY angry. I took some Love and Logic, Painless Parenting classes. They suggested that I start offering my son choices. Simple choices and always ones that I could live with (do you want the red shirt or blue shirt?) to increase his feelings of independence and control in the situation. Now my son was only 14 mos at the time but I would suggest looking into the Love and Logic series. They really offer some great tools for parenting.

go to library/half price books and get "The Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson. It's been a bestseller for several decades and is great...it will help tremendously.

My 3 year old went through this when I was pregnant with my second. He was biting his classmates and would be SCREAMING MAD when he was angry! It was a just a phase and he quickly grew out of it.

I honestly don't think teaching her not to pull hair by puller HER hair will work! If anything, it will teach her not to trust you and that you are capable of hurting her....bad idea!

We went through the same thing with my son who is also 4. my baby is due anyday now...we have alot in common! : ) I also have a 6 year old daughter too. He (my 4 year old) was always mean and hateful..hitting, biting, pushing, etc. It was bad! After all the traditional methods didn't work we turned to love and logic and it has worked WONDERS for our family! He is a totally different child...it's great! I highly suggest checking them out, their website is http://www.loveandlogic.com

Feel free to email me if you'd like to chat! -M.-

I had the same problem with my daughter when she was 4. It was her worst year; I was convinced I was not cut out to be a mom. What I finally discovered was a big part of the problem was her day-care structure. She was "teacher's helper" in her class. I was running late one day, and when we finally got to her class-her teacher seemed extraordianarily relieved to see my daughter. (Seemed very strange to me; I just thought maybe she really liked my child.) However, she ran up to us and yelled to the rest of the class, "It's ok, kids. Taylor's here now." she explained to me that Taylor was her right-hand during the day. They even called her "Mrs. President." It turned out that she was "in charge" all day at day-care and did not understand that home did not run that way. She had a very hard time mkaing the transition to FOLLOWING rules at home rahter than making them. My advice would be to take a day to observe (without being visible, if possible) the day-care class. I'll be praying for you and your child. Remember, God DOES know what He is doing-trust in Him and He will make the crooked ways straight.

Dallas Child did an article on childhood disorders (mood related)that was very revealing. Maybe you can find it on their achives. However, do not be willing to jump off into the dramatic before you explore lots of avenues. 4 is a pretty muscle-flexing age and some of that is to be expected. You know testing boundaries, etc. However, you should get informed about EVERYTHING so if there is something that requires attention you can get a jump on it for your child's sake. I have 2 people in my life that are affected by bi-polar disorder and if I have learned anything it is that getting educated yourself helps tremendously. Good luck and get reading.

Stop vaccinating! That is your main problem. If you continue to vaccinate she will probably end up with adhd or worse.

We went through the same type situation with our son. Part of his issue was when he couldn't understand younger children (before the playmate was able to speak clearly) and part was just a phase. Love and Logic is amazing and the books can be bought on Amazon.com. I began to really mircomanage his playdates and didn't leave his side. Once he displayed any aggressive behavoir, I picked him up (which was sometimes a struggle) and removed him for a time out. We practiced deep breathing and calming techniques. Overall, Love and Logic will guide you through with rational ideas and encouragement. Good luck. I know this was a very frusterating time for me. I felt like an outcast. My son had no reason to be angry. He has a great life so it was really hard to understand why he was acting the way he was!

J., Do you ever watch "Supernanny?" See how she does it! She's a miracle worker if you are consistent w/her tecniques, & ya don't knuckle under the pressure! I hope you find it helpful! It can only make you little girl a happier one, not to mention the rest of the family! Right? S. :)

I know it may sound odd, but she may truthfully be allergic to some foods that are making her behave in such agressive and violent ways. There are allergy tests that can be done with a vial of blood from your daughter instead of the zillions needle pricks on her back that are just as accurate. Check with your doctor or allergy specialist in the area. Good luck.

I am no expert and would look into this more, but to me it sounds like she is trying the only way she knows how to express her feelings. Has anything happend to her? Has she been hurt in anyway? One good thing I was taught is that children try to express themselves and can get angry when they don't know how to, so I get on eye contact level with my child and say, "I am sorry you are upset about this, why don't we try it this way" or "I understand this has upset you but we dont hurt our friends" I know she is only 4, but I would try finding out why she is acting out. It could be something very simple like she wants more attention or it could be something like learning how to express her feelings without getting angry. I would definately seek advice from someone I trusted that might be qualified in children, a doctor or teacher, a trusted friend you know.

Hi J.!

I really feel for you and what you must be going through. One of my grandchildren that I take care of has ADHD. At age 11, we still go around in circles sometimes.

I have no idea what is going on with your 4 yr old, but I think it would be good to consider getting a comprehensive pediatric/child psychiatric evaluation. This could include laboratory tests to determine if an underlying medical condition is present and they will want a complete medical history.

I suggest that you get a recommendation or referral from your child's doctor. Ours was very helpful in assisting with finding help during a very trying time.

I hope this helps,

Judi

Dear J.,

I found this article from Christian-Parent.com that has some ideas on how to deal with the pulling hair and hitting. Here is the link www.christian-parent.com/hitting-kicking-biting.shtml
I remember being taught that anger stems from 3 emotions, fear, frustration and pain. You said this was the first time she has spent the night with the friend. Maybe she was afraid and didn't know how to communicate that fear. I would make it clear to her that hurting others is not acceptable and discipline her. Let her know she is suffering the consequences of her actions. Then I would sit down and talk to her about anger and how to deal with it.
I will pray that God removes this anger and that He gives you wisdom on how best to teach your daughter about her anger.
You will be in my prayers.

You might check into her nutrition. She may have some dietary or food allergy issues.

The center for Biblical Counseling in Mckinney has an amazing play therapist. Teri Mills-Manuel ###-###-####. She helped my child with anger and anxiety. My child loves her so much!
Best Wishes,
R.

I have a 4 year old boy who seems angry all the time, too. I'm reading a good book, Touchpoints: Three to Six by T. Barry Brazelton and it says this angry, independence seeking is somewhat normal, but I'm so worried that I'm taking my kiddo to a therapist next week. Let me know what you find out. Thanks.
S.

I am not a professional, but I first would rule out pain or illness. Often a child does not realize that discomfort is unnatural.
After that, I would look around at role models. Are you or Dad dealing with issues in an angry mannor? I would also cast an eye around for older kids who may be "deviling" your 4 year old and making her miserable.
Is she feeling left out about anything? Is she getting enough sleep and quality sleep?
If none of these things are an issue and the problem does not resolve, I would see a behavioral psychologist.
Good luck with this,
C. S.

My daughter who will be 4 in May, is also having some anger issues. I think not reacting in a negative matter is helping me better to cope with it. Sometimes children know that when they act out, they will get attention. Maybe take a look at what she is watching on television, and see if she might be getting some of her ideas from that. Now a days, children are watching more grown up t.v. that is really not age appropriate. Also I have been thinking that maybe putting my daughter in Bible Study may help. I know that I enjoyed it when I was a child, we just havent really decided on a Church yet. Hang in there, this is just a hard age I think!

I would say that the one on the way may be the issue. My oldest daughter accepted her next sister pretty well, but went absolutely bonkers when she was presented with a little brother... she was biting, kicking, hitting... all kinds of wrong behaviors. I ended up with a total of seven and throughout the years almost all wanted to be an only child... at some time...some of them still...LOL.
Make sure to give each child individual attention so they feel special.

J.,
I am the mother of a 3 1/2 year old boy.
He was having issues like this and I took him to see a play therapist.
He loves going and has gotten so much better!
He has anxiety issues that I would have never guessed were why he was being aggressive.
You might want to try this!
H.

is her hearing okay - I just found out that my daughter who is 3.5 was checking out - and frustrated, turns out she could not hear. we now have tubes (last tuesday) we will see if that helps.

Is it possible that she is very upset about the new baby? Perhaps she is still adjusting to losing her "only child" status to your 2 year-old and is angry that another "baby" is on the way.

It's a thought.

Try removing Red 40 from her diet for a week or so and see if there is any change. Sometimes children can be allergic to Red 40 and become angry and violent. Good luck!

I have been down this road. Unfortunetly ti took my daughter trying to commit suicide twice before we got a doctor to listen. What you have discribed sounds just like my daughter at that age. She was eventually diagnosed with sensory integration,we saw an occupational therapist which helped us out she was able to point us in the right direction. I hope this helps.
M. P

yoU HAVE GOTTEN A LOT OF GOOD ADVICE and some wierd?--I would like to add that doing the diet thing has proven to work for many, and remember that 3 and 4 year olds have rushes of different feelings and emotions and they haven't learned yet how to manage those emotions. That is where we come in as parents. The doctor dobson and Love and logic books sound promising.

I would also look to see if anything else might be stressing her out at school or home, beside Your pregnancy, sometimes we don't realize that somethings are present that sound simple, but are too much for a 4 year old to deal with.

Good luck--sounds like you are on the right path.

I think that all my kids went threw this kind of thing. It was her first sleep over. Maybe she just did not know how to tell the other mom that she was scared, or did not want to do what the other child did. I would try again and see how it goes. (Also, it seems you have a lot of good ideas here, but pulling her hair back is not the way.) Also, you may try taking her to a church setting. often time workers there have more understanding and work threw the problem rather than hand it over souly to you.

Food allergies?
Take a good look at her diet. Food additives like artificial colors (red dye) and flavors and MSG are often the culprit, or food allergies (often dairy, wheat, eggs, shellfish, peanuts). Eliminating those factors can make an astounding difference in a childs behavior.

Would sound crazy to me if I hadn't read it several times, but food allergies can make kids act out. Yahoo today had an article that actually mentioned which specific peptide you could test for:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080224/hl_afp/norwayhealthc...

Hope that helps! I'm sure you would love for the child you love to be a happy little girl with lots of friends.

There is a neat therapy called PLAY THERAPY for children that age. It would be with a play therapist and it helps them act out what is going on, as they sometimes can't explain it.
Perhaps sensory, aspergers, things like that are the cause.
I'll pray that you all find a solution that helps ease the pain this is causing her and you all!

Hi J.,
This will sound harsh, but sit her down and ask her why she pulls hair. When she doesn't answer or says I don't know, reach over and pull her hair hard enough to let her know that it hurts. She'll undoubtably cry and ask why did you do that? Tell her because she does. Then have a conversation about it being hurting and not the way to get to know someone. The same with pushing. In a safe place where you know she cannot be harmed, push her roughly once unexpectedly. This will not be a normal behavior from you and will frighten her. Again, sit her down and talk about pushing not being the way to get to know someone. After these show and tell surprises, let her know how to interact appropriately. For example, if she is feeling left out she should go to the person (aged 2 to 80) and ask if she can play with them, talk to them, etc. Do some role play with her so that she can see that if she asks she'll get good results and the attention that this acting out provides her. Sounds like a little bit of insecurity and finding her place. Then, any time she misbehaves consistently give her a time out to think about another way to have acted. It won't take long until she'll understand. I had this behavior with grandkids and this method does work. They do not expect their behaviors coming from an adult. Mine would cry and I would hold them telling them I was so sorry to have scared them or made them feel badly. I used that as a tool to teach them how the recipient would feel. Kids get it quickly. Too much talking without show and tell does not work at age 4.
Good luck, Bev

Hi, J.!

Maybe some role-playing would help. Sometimes kids don't really realize how they are acting until they see it. I wouldn't ask her in front of her siblings, though. She may get shy and not share her feelings with you.

Maybe you could also talk about feelings. You could give different feelings and ask her to give example of what makes us feel that way. See if she'll tell you when she gets to "angry".

the only way to deal with that problem is to pull on her hair and return her bad behavior.

I always wonder about diet when I hear of children with these issues. Could you perhaps track these episodes along with her diet and see if there is a correlation? I've seen it happen many times and parents are often surprised by the changes in their children once they remove the offending food(s).

Common offenders are sugar, dairy, and gluten (very high in wheat). Of course others can be the culprit also.

It's kind of a simple experiment that may yield some interesting information for you.