"And Here I Was Thinking You Were a Good Mom."

it was an offhand comment. she wasn't very tactful, but you are being awfully over-sensitive.
a cheerful 'yup, i'm a lousy mom all right!' is all it needs.
khairete
S.

By now, you know to let it roll off.

I did insist on a coat more than necessary.

Leading me to keep a "family Circus" cartoon, where Billy is reluctantly putting on a coat and asking his mom,

When do I get old enough to know if I'm cold?

OMG.
What the hay is with that woman?
I would have stuck my tongue out at her.
LMAO!
Or gave her an expression of it in a civilized manner.
Right.

So, in my city its HOT.
So should all Moms have their kids go grocery shopping in their bathing suits?
Dear me.

My response:

"And here I was thinking you were a nice person. It's at this point that you should apologize for for your lack of manners."

Funny! I would have taken offense, but my super-cool husband would have said something ironic with a deadpan fan, such as "Oh, yes, of course, my treatments make me so forgetful. Thank goodness for your reminder." All my best.

Hmmm, I had short sleeves on when I went to parent-teacher conferences this afternoon.

Some people REALLY have some nerve!

Earlier this year the checkout lady at Jewel asked me if I needed "stamps, yard waste stickers, or a gun to blow my brains out." The things people say!

No, you're not a bad mom for not insisting your son wear a coat today. She's probably not a bad lady, either, but she made a very stupid and hurtful comment.

What???And you can't even act stupid because your kids are there. The nerve. Be a duck hun, she must have a severe case of ignorantitis.

ETA - WOW Queen! That woman you're talking about is nuts!! What did you do!!

I'm incredulous!

Original:
That's when you either burst out in tears over such a nasty comment, or you say "And I thought you were a nice lady before you said such a thing."

What is it, in the 50's there? You're doing fine. I hope that if you see this same lady again, that you don't chat with her. You don't have to be a doormat.

She is the check out clerk. She doesn't know you and probably just tried to make small talk. Ignore her. She doesn't know what she is talking about and what she says has no measure on your parenting.

Did I already say to ignore here?

Really? Who cares what a random grocery store checker thinks. Seriously. I remember getting some harsh comments here and there from various little old lady busy-body types but I just smiled and moved on. My kids were happy and healthy and that's all that mattered to me.
The proof is in the pudding!

When my son was a baby and we went to the store and I put him in the shopping cart, he would take off his socks and chew on them. Not too uncommon, but in the middle of winter, not such a good idea. We often ended up losing a sock. But even if we didn't lose at least one sock we ended up with wet socks.

So I began immediately moving his socks when we went into stores, especially if we would be there awhile.

I had several people approach me and say, "Your child really should have socks." A couple of times I turned and said "They're in my pockets." But after awhile I just said, "Ok, thanks." Seriously, my child should wear socks in the winter? Really?

It's annoying, but there will always be someone who makes an ignorant comment. Try to let it role off your back. You'll be happier for it.

If it's 20 degrees below freezing and the kids are getting frost bite, then not dressing them warmly would indicate a bad mother.
If it's not below freezing, and my kids have high metabolisms and are comfortable then the mother is good in that she knows her kids better than your average check out person who's trying to make small talk.

This is one of those things where no one can make you feel anything without your permission.
You felt judged because you jumped to the conclusion that that was what she was trying to say.

I have responded with
'You know, I've made him worn a coat before and then he's too hot and I'm the one who ends up carrying it around so I just don't do that anymore. He'll wear a coat when he feels like it. I've got better things to do than play pack mule for his wardrobe all day".
That response gets me a laugh and a lot of commiseration.

I insist my kids wear coats, but I also believe in natural consequences - definitely not worth a battle and once they get cold enough or sick enough, they'll make the connection. I probably would have stared at her very seriously and calmly, paused, and said in the most sincere low voice, "fascinating," and then just kept staring, waiting for more wisdom. She would have been so unnerved and confused it would have shut her right up. Totally not her business.

Oh puh-leez. What a total weirdo to say that to you about when SHE thought your kids coat should be going on. I take my kids out without coats all the time, especially when they're not outside for longer than it takes to get from a car to a store front. I get sick of layering them up for a three second walk across a parking lot and then having them all throw their coats at me the minute we're inside. This lady was WAY out of line.

Totally uncalled for. I would have said back "and here I was thinking you were polite"

You do what you can, and if it were that cold, then he would have worn his coat. If it's not dangerously cold, and you were just going to the warm car anyways, then so be it, not worth the battle.

I'm a New Yorker! I would have turned to her and told her to mind her own F***ing business and get back to work.

Shrug it off, Mama! You're doing fine. A stranger's opinion, unasked for, usually isn't worth worrying about. It isn't just with your children that you need to pick your battles carefully.

O.M.G. The nerve of that woman! I don't know how you restrained yourself from turning around and slugging her.

In answer to your question -- After about the age of about three, I believe that kids can figure out if they are cold or not.

down mama, she was just making conversation and I think she probably thought she was lightly scolding you not condemning you to bad mommydom forever. if you weren't a little sensitive you probably wouldn't have given it a thought. it was just a stupid comment, not worth your time.

Why does it matter what a rude stranger says? She was way out of line! Please don't let her take away your feeling of success with the shopping trip.

That said, my daughter and her husband say that a good parent makes sure their children always wear a coat. I don't know why she thinks that. I never made her wear a coat. I have difficulty remembering to remind my 10 and 13 yo grandchildren to wear their coats. My daughter says they will get sick. Lol The kids don't usually wear a coat when they're with me (shhh) and they haven't gotten sick yet.

Even tho my daughter criticizes herself she would not even think of you in a judgemental way. She is only critical of me because I'm not following her rules. She recognizes other's right to do differently. Lol just not her mother thanks to the age old conflict between parents and grandparents.

The kid knows when he's cold.
I am always the coldest person in the room. I keep my ac on 80. I would keep the heat on 80 if I could afford the bill.
I am wearing a sweater and a jacket in temps that others consider balmy.
IOW, let the kid decide when he's cold enough to want a coat. As long as he's not wanting to wear swim trunks and flip flops in a blizzard, he's fine. And you ARE a good mom for letting him develop his decision-making skills.

I left school today with my DD's coat in my hand. She did not want to wear it. I felt it was a teachable moment.

To call you a bad mom was a harsh judgement for a minor thing. You are unlikely to see her again, so just let it roll off.

Ha, When I was a new mom I insisted my first two children had to wear coats once the weather went below 50. With the last two I realized it wasn't worth the battle. My youngest (now 16) wears shorts all year long. It can be 20 out and she's in shorts. I don't get it, I'm freezing just looking at her. But she's happy, and I will say this she has been the least sick of any of my kids. (Knock on wood). Don't worry what others think. If your children are happy, healthy and thriving. Then Your a GREAT MOM.

Awww, I hate it when I have such a great day and someone ruins it with a dumb comment. Put that lady out of your mind; she's an insensitive b*tch who should learn to keep her unnecessary judgements to herself. For what it's worth, it was 28 degrees here this morning and about a third of my kids' classmates didn't have coats on going to school. They wore a mix of fleeces and sweatshirts. I was in my winter coat but it seemed like most of the kids weren't cold at all. They just run at a different temperature!

Kudos to you for a successful shopping trip with your kiddos.

My mother in law use to jab me with comments all the time about coats and hats for the kids. 'Where's the baby's hat" she'd ask .... in June.... in the house. I think it's a generational thing. As you get older the cold usually effects you more so to her it was cold outside but in reality there was maybe a little chill in the air.

You did the right thing. I never fight with my kids about this stuff. Just the other day we were leaving for the park to watch my husband's softball game. I told all 3 kids, hey, you guys should probably grab a water bottle. They all said, no. I said, well, we will be there a couple hours and you may want it. They still didn't get one. My husband said I should take one for them anyway. I said no, they are old enough to learn the consequences of choices. If they get thirsty, there is a water fountain. If that isn't good enough, they will remember to take a water bottle next time. So you do need to pick your battles with kids so they learn on their own.

I think the lady was way out of line and you were nicer than I would have been. =)

You handled it great, and she was out of line. People forget that children are their own people, and just because I may feel cold or hot or whatnot does not mean my child feels the same. How many of us have been curled up under a blanket while our husbands thought the house was almost too warm? This is normal and common, we all feel things different. And if he is cold? Well that is a natural consequence to not wearing his coat and if it is an issue for him he will change his behavior.

J. - I have had people comment to my boys (11 & 13) with them wearing shorts in the rain and "cold" weather....it's THEIR choice. They have to learn how to dress themselves.

My boys are like me! They do NOT get cold easily. When they get cold? They put pants on.

I don't think that allowing your children to make choices is a bad mother!! YOU GO GIRL!!!

I really like what Megan said! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I don't understand why people are so quick to cast judgement on someone they haven't even really met. I mean it was someone who happened to be in the grocery checkout line.
Personally I am not a coat wearer. I HATE them. I don't like them. I feel like I am suffocating whenever I try to wear one. Layers are really just not my thing. I won't have a coat on until it is well below freezing and close to single digits. That said I have never associated coats with parenting, except when it is dead of winter and little toddler/babies are not wearing hats, coats, or gloves. If it cold enough for me to break down and wear a coat and hat and gloves, it's a pretty good sign that small kids probably should too.

Wow. She is the weirdo, so unacceptable to say something like that!
Sounds like you are actually a fantastic mom, don't let this rude lade get you down. If it makes you feel any better, my kids were in swimsuits outside 5 days ago (it was about 65 degrees out, in my defense). It was much colder (50s) the last few days but in this weather they rarely wear shoes or jackets even if I remind them. My husband wears sandals even when it is snowing. He does not own a coat, and we live in Northern Utah. Some people just do not feel the cold and that is ok. You were in a grocery store and it is Autumn. No biggie/

Oh the opinion of strangers. Who are perfect parents, raised perfect kids and will surely win mother of the year.......
Let it roll of your back. YOU know your kid. I personally hate coats, and even in winter do not wear sweaters, they drive me nuts. In the house I wear tank tops and no socks.
My youngest is just like me. Hates coats, shoes and socks. Last year every store he'd rip off his socks and shoes. And yes I got looks. One pair of older ladies even commented behind me, "Can you believe that baby doesn't have shoes or socks on in this weather?"
I cheerfully turned around and loudly said "He takes off his shoes and socks every time we get inside (he was sitting in a cart) but don't worry ladies, his socks AND shoes are in the diaper bag and I'll be sure to put them back on him before we go outside!"
They didn't know what to say......strangers and their unfounded opinions.

Please don't let this woman (who sounds older) piss you off. She had no right to say you are a bad mother. It is hard to get kids to put coats on and if it wasn't that cold, you shouldn't worry about it. Some people just can't mind their own business.

You were in the store and your child was only going to be outside for a few minutes to get into the car.

Usually I either ignore or smile at rude people. Or if I'm PMSing then you never know what will fly out my mouth.

AZneomom has it right. The most judgmental people usually have no right to cast stones. They have the most skeletons in their closet.

"thank you for your concern, I'm the mother and i know what's best for my children"

Queen of the Castle says it right. Neither of you are bad. She did talk out of turn, but what the hoot...

I can't imagine a crisp, cool fall day being such that a coat is absolutely necessary for the safety of your child, especially if you are just walking from the store to your car in the parking lot. You know your son - you know he puts the coat on when he really needs it and you know that forcing the coat on him would just cause a huge, unnecessary fight.

You are a good mom. You managed to keep your kids happy and fight-free through a long trip to the market and all it cost you was a couple packs of tic tacs. Wish I was that good!

I would have laughed in her face and said "Well that's a battle I'm NOT willing to fight!" all while laughing...at her nerve. There's absolutely NO need to justify your parenting skills to a complete stranger - especially one that hasn't even learned any social graces herself. Or is aware of basic facts (being cold doesn't CAUSE you to catch a cold).

And NO. Simply fighting THAT battle does NOT necessarily make you a good mom. We all have kids who dress inappropriately for the weather (my daughter tried to go to school in shorts yesterday - I gently suggested shorts season might be over - she changed of her own free will). It's one of life's really good "natural consequences" lessons. Why fight the battle when nature will fight it for you?

That woman was clueless. Hope you ignored her.

On a great day I would have laughed it off. On a bad day I might have told her how inappropriate and unprofessional she is before telling the manager about it.
Yesterday was the coldest morning this school year. My kid wore shorts and carried a jacket.

My kids didn't wear coats either today. Yes they had them, but it wasn't that cold out if you had a sweater on.

I would have asked her if she ever heard the phrase "choose your battles".

Sorry she ruined your day.

I am speachless that someone would comment on a coat or insinuate that you are a bad mother because of it. Crazy. Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you never know the full story. Ignore the woman - that was out of line to judge that way.

My 11-year-old walks out the door all the time without a coat. I figure if she's cold, she'll learn to wear a coat though it drives my husband crazy. Being in Chicago, you know it can be cold in the morning then get pretty warm in the afternoon. That woman had a lot of nerve commenting to you about your parenting over a coat. It would have pissed me off and I probably would have been so stunned I wouldn't have said anything in response. I live near a school and most of the kids were playing with light sweatshirts on. Yes, and a couple were still in shorts.

Oh my goodness! The nerve of some people! That's none of her business and I think she's totally wrong. About two years ago, my daughter would challenge me on not wearing a coat. At first, I made her and then the second time I let her go without one but brought it with me, had her mind changed. It did! Don't let the wrong judgments of others mess with you. Take it with a grain of salt. You are doing just fine!!!

You handled it like a champ and the great mother that you are! Imagine her judgement if they were acting like normal squirrely children in the store. Ha! Don't give it another thought.

Sheesh! That was bold! Please don't take it personally and just smile and nod. Wouldn't it be great if we could come up instantly with one liner retorts for inappropriate (and inaccurate) comments like that-- that were n't rude, but did make her think twice before saying something like that again? Just be thankful she isn't your MIL!

How rude! My 3 yo dd refuses jackets too. I say it's your body so you decide & well take it along incase you change your mind. I've gotten more than one "look" while out and about. We live in pa in the mountains so it gets chilly. We really try to reach our kids that they have control over their own bodies and people should respect their choices. Now.. Brushing teeth, wearing a jacket in -10 degree weather, holding hands in parking lots etc are non negotiable. You are a good mom!

My son is the same way and it drives me nuts but he's 14 and has a mind of his own. Now if it's snowing I would probalby tell him to wear one but my husband will wear shorts and flip flops sometimes when it's freezing. So I can't say much. Do I understand heck no but like you said not a fight worth fighting. I probably would have come back with a VERY smart remark.

I rarely wear a coat because it's just not worth it for me to stand in the cold putting it on just to run in the door. Today I bought a new fall weight coat and a winter coat (thank you Old Navy and your 30% off plus my 10% military discount). I would have laughed at her.

My husband is HUGE on the kids wearing hats and winter coats all the time. I actually had to have our pediatrician tell him to stop when our oldest was about 18 months. Yes, hats and coats are important, but when it's 60 out, it's not the end of the world.

I would have probably called the manager myself after I told her what was up. I'm super protective of my kids and she had no business saying that.

wow, if THAT is all it takes to be a bad mom, then damn we are all screwed.

I was expecting the reason to be a sugar laden grocery cart, or perhaps handing the baby a sippy cup of soda pop, but not having a coat on? Really? I'm rolling my eyes now.

My older son was like yours, always hot, and I gave up years ago on that. That woman was out of line and of course hindsight being what it is (and I've got to work on my responses quicker) you could have just calmly told her be nice. I should have calmly told people that myself years back, but it didn't come so easy. Getting better as I age. HOW DARE HER?

I would just try and ignore it. My son is the same way, when he is cold he wears a heavy jacket. (it is always in the car if needed) he loves his warm sweatshirts. He always wears a hat too.
I think you are a great mom because not only did you rake leaves but you then went to the grocery store with the little angels. You are a friggen hero in my book. :):)
many blessings

My kids are not allowed to wear coats in winter in the car. It would not be safe for straps and belts. Me too; I take mine off.

Even outside, I have a tot that refuses a coat.
We are in the Midwest and it is NOT cold out right now.
I NEVER have time to deal with coats. A lot of people raise eyebrows. We usually go without or make a poor attempt. Often we run screaming (cold) into buildings. Can you imagine what it's like to put coats on 5 tiny kids? Every time in or out of the car? They can do it themselves or go without. (The baby has a safe cover OVER her carseat so that works out).

Heck, one of my 2 YO's does not wear shoes!!!!! It's annoying if he has to walk!

My tiny kid also wears shorts in winter. I said I'm going to look like a bad mom, and he doesn't care. Whatever. If he's cold, he'll learn. If it's dangerously cold, I push harder. But only if it's really cold.

Oh MY!
That made me laugh....twice. But I have NO idea how I'd react! Your SWH sounds very good though. Sheesh!

Ha ha...reminds me of the time my husband was offering me some relief by taking my older two boys to IKEA a couple winters ago!! My middle son, 2 at the time, is a Sept. Baby....he HAS never ever kept his socks on! The minute he's sitting they come flying off.

Pretty typical by the time the hubby got to IKEA socks were off thrown in ssome secret hiding place. Yup an older lovely grandmother approached him and told him and I quote "I'm sure you're trying to be a great Dad and you love your boy dearly.....but it's cold outside you need to put some socks on that child! I'm only telling you this because someone needs to speak for that baby of yours"! He just laughed and said she was right and went on his Merry way!!

I was shocked the audacity!! And we're in CA maybe low 50' outside...SMH!!

And to answer your question I do not judge Moms on the weather vs clothing at all...but then again I made my 4 yr old wear flip flops when it was raining cold because he refused to look/find his other 3 pairs of tennis shoes!! They all miraculously appeared in the shoe bin by nights end ;)

Updated

Ha ha...reminds me of the time my husband was offering me some relief by taking my older two boys to IKEA a couple winters ago!! My middle son, 2 at the time, is a Sept. Baby....he HAS never ever kept his socks on! The minute he's sitting they come flying off.

Pretty typical by the time the hubby got to IKEA socks were off thrown in ssome secret hiding place. Yup an older lovely grandmother approached him and told him and I quote "I'm sure you're trying to be a great Dad and you love your boy dearly.....but it's cold outside you need to put some socks on that child! I'm only telling you this because someone needs to speak for that baby of yours"! He just laughed and said she was right and went on his Merry way!!

I was shocked the audacity!! And we're in CA maybe low 50' outside...SMH!!

And to answer your question I do not judge Moms on the weather vs clothing at all...but then again I made my 4 yr old wear flip flops when it was raining cold because he refused to look/find his other 3 pairs of tennis shoes!! They all miraculously appeared in the shoe bin by nights end ;)