Am I Wrong to Not Want Him at the Birth?

No. You are not wrong. You have every right to have who you want and not want at the birth. Its your time to spend with your new child. You dont worry about him at all if hes mad he can stay mad.

Dear J.,
Absolutely NOT. It is your birth and your child. There are people in the hospital that will help you if you need it. All you have to do is ask.
Good Luck!

J., it's obvious from the responses that as Mother's we all feel very strongly about the birth experience and it being as joyful as possible. Anyone who doesn't contribute to that, should not be allowed to be present. As the birth mother, you can tell the nurses your requests and they will honor them, even to the point of excluding your husband. My husband (now ex) was present when I had my son and to this day, I regret the experience. I had friends who wanted to be there....but I thought because he was the father I owed it to him and if nothing else, maybe this experience would help heal him and our marriage. It didn't. The only thing that will help your husband is for him to admit he has problems and get help. Please learn from our mistakes. God Bless You, L.

Dear J.,
Labor and birth require mother's full attention to the miracle of bringing new life into the world. All women deserve to give birth in an environment that's safe and supportive for them.

Since your baby's father has been physically abusive to you, he may pose a danger to your baby as well. You didn't mention living arrangements, but please let your doctor and the social worker at the hospital know about your situation so she can help you find a safe place to come home with your newborn.
She can also provide you with resources to help get you out of this destructive situation so you can live peacefully with your new baby.
You might want to contact Dallas Association for Parent Education Warmline for additional informaton and assistance.
###-###-#### or online at http://www.dallasparents.org/warmline.html
Take good care of yourself.
L.

You are absolutely not wrong. Labor and Delivery is a very special and sacred time but also a taxing one. You need to be surrounded by friends and family that are supportive and love you. In fact, I think him being there would be detrimentle. Your child should be brought into the world in the happiest and safest environment as possible. I know you feel selfish right now, but you have to think of the baby...by him not being there you are being SELFLESS, you are keeping your child safe. You have to be as calm and comfortable as possible to avoid complications, you are making the right decision. I am so sorry you had to go thru this, I wish you best. It will all be worth it once you hold your baby for the first time, I promise.

Good Luck and Best Wishes,

L.

J.,

I don't think it is selfish of you at all to not want him at the birth of your child. You are the mother and it should be a happy special memory for you. If he has not participated in other pre delivery appts. then he doesn't need to be part of this. He might just be wanting to to gain control. Hold your ground because labor is very stressful and strenuous as it is and you do not need any additional stress during that time. Good luck and hang in there.

You have a lot of good resources listed here, of people who can help you get out of this situation. They can also find financial resources for you too. Please do it for your baby. He will only get worse with a baby in the house. For the birth, getting a doula who can wholly support you, can help you have a safer birth.

No. I'll keep it simple.
Your birth.. your pain... your comfort... your decision.

Good luck. You will have enough times where his rights will need to supercede your wishes once you have the baby ... the birth is not one of them.

God Bless!

J.,
I understand that he is the father of your child, BUT you don't have to have that man anywhere near you or your child ever!!!!! As far as the birth, i wouldn't worry about that. The hospital staff will take care of making sure you are taken care of. It isn't selfish to want to protect your child, it is your job. I've lived with an abusive man and the only thing you can do is get away from him. Legally he does have a right to see his child, but he doesn't have a right to be in the room with you while she is born. Tell the Doctors and nurses that he is not welcome and they will take care of it. You just concentrate on you and having a healthy baby girl.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

You are all kinds of RIGHT!!!! He gave up his rights when he decided to violate yours. As a treatment provider in the mental health field let me just tell you how impressed I am by your setting limits with this man. Being with or near you is a privilege that he has obviously disrespected. He doesn't get to decide when and where... YOU DO! I would highly recommend getting a lawyer to protect your rights and the rights of your child. By setting this limit he may become more volatile and unpredictable than you have previously experienced. Batterers react by becoming more controlling when you begin to set these limits until they finally get the picture that you are in charge of yours and your childs life and not them! (I hope you have already filed charges against this man, if not please do!!!)

You are not at all being selfish, at the birth of your daughter you need to be surrounded by people who are there to support you and who you feel comfortable with. It is a special time and you have the right to decide who can and can't be a part of it. Good luck.

I agree with everyone else, this is you going through the labor and the last thing you need is to be stressed out by anything. By the way I do not know if anyone mentioned this but all hopsitals have a privacy policy where you can be under an assumed name while you and the baby are in the hospital. You can not get flowers or phone calls as no one will know this name and it is kept secret, but this will eliminate him trying to show up and making a scence. Good luck and God Bless!!

ABSOULUTELY NOT, You are NOT being selfish at all. Even if you were this is YOUR time and YOUR baby and HE has NOT wanted to be apart of the visits, sonograms so why start now.
This is a BEAUTIFUL time that should ONLY have a positive setting especially when bringing a BEAUTIFUL baby into this world. I would definitely tell the hospital that you DO NOT want the father there and the hospital WILL kick him out if need be.
I was in the same shoes with my ex and he was NOT involved from the time I was 4 1/2 months until the baby was about 6 months or so and he was VERY emotional abusive towards me and VERY selfish and he was VERY angry when I told his family that I would NOT allow them during the delivery process, they are VERY controlling and intimidating.
contact me if you would like ____@____.com

Good Luck and I will keep you and the baby in my prayers.
God Bless

I was with an abusive man for over 4 years. Because of him I had my daughter almost a month early {he kicked me in the stomach} he was at the birth of or daughter and I regret it so much he made a time that should have been of such joy just another time of fear. you have every right to decide who is at the birth of your child if you don't want him there then tell him NO this is about YOU and your child not him or his feelings if he was concerned or cared about you or the child he wouldnt have abused you for 9 monthes. I hope that you have already ended you realationship with him if not take my advice because I have been there he is not going to change LEAVE him you child deserves a safe and peacefull home

How will he know when you go into labor? I don't think you are wrong but I also don't think that you should give him the opportunity to tell your child that you made that decision. If you feel that strongly about it talk to your nurse or doctor when you deliver. They generally will not allow very many people in the room during the delivery and they will not allow anyone in the room if it upsets you. If the nurse or the doctor tells him to leave he can't blame you. Good luck! God bless!

Hello, J., Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't think it's selfish at all. You are doing the right thing, you don't need that type of critizism in your life. You could've lost the baby due to stress. If his doing it while you're pregnant, then he'll do it whenever. This should be a time for enjoyment and fulfillment of happiness, so keep that out of your life, and besides, you don't want your child around that kind of mess.

J., if you are not living with this man, it should not be hard to have your baby without the father even knowing. I would not get into the "I don't want you there" argument if you can avoid the conversation. If you are not against inducement of labor, talk to your doctor about the situation. They can schedule you to give birth at a specific time and day. If you want to wait to go into labor naturally, have someone you trust to take you to the hospital that will not involve the father.

More importantly, you have to take care of the situation at hand before your baby is raised in an environment that will teach him a behavior that is very destructive. There are many organizations that can help you. I did whatever I could to keep my child from the birth father and I have never regretted it. And, do not think that a father that does not pay child support is automatically denied the right to see their child. I have sat through many child support hearings where the Judge scorned mothers for such behavior and gave the father visitation. Good luck and God bless you!

Hi J.,

I gave birth to my son without any drugs so for me it was very important to call all the shots so I could feel safe and in control at my birth. My husband was not at my son's birth. I advise the same for you. I know there is some unwritten rule about fathers being at births but you will need to be in an environment where you feel safe and comfortable. Extra stress can cause you to hold on during labor which could make things difficult to move along during the process. This is probably the first of many times when becoming a mom can cause you to have to stand your ground and demand what you know is best for your baby. I wish you the best and hope all works out well for you at your birth. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk or some extra support.

I think you owe it to your baby and to your self to do what keeps you both safe...mentally and physically. I hope you are planning on getting out of this situation if you aren't already. Please get some help and keep him away from your baby...as far as I am concerned...you owe him nothing. Please be extremely selfish and take care of YOU!

ABSOLUTELY not selfish for you to decide who gets to be there.

During the birth of my daughter I let a friend in just out of politeness and I've regreted it ever since; she'd never been to a birth before but she was so insistent that she wanted be part of it that I (as a first time mom) told her to come.

To say the least, she made comments about how huge my feet were, and I even heard her say : eww a couple of times. She ruined what was supposed to be my intimate, beautiful and private moment between my husband, my baby and I. I will never, ever let this happen again with my next birth, I still get worked up when I think about it.

So YOU decide who gets to be there, if your husband will use the opportunity to hurt you or belittle you, then he doesn't belong there.

Hi J.,

First of all, congrats on your little blessing. Next, if I were in your situation there would be no way I would let him come anywhere near you and your daughter. Labor is such an emotional and special time, you need all the love and support you can get. Plus, you can pick and choose whoever you want by your side. When you get to the hospital they are there for you and baby and no one else. You are not being selfish, what does he care? He has not shown any interest but to hurt you so why does he want to be there now?

Good Luck and hope all goes well :)
J.

You have every right not to have him there. This should be a positive experience for you. Do you really want your baby to be born into such negativity? As someone else said, there are people at the hospital who will help you. All you have to say is that he is not allowed there & they will keep him away from you & your baby.