Am I Wrong

This is a complex question and I understand you are feeling exhausted by the situation. However, I fear you will always regret it if you move out of state. Your children may well feel abandoned by you because you really will be much less able to connect with them. You don't go into the details of why it is such a battle. What about shared custody or something like that? I don't see why he should have total custody of them in there are no other issues except that he has them now. Do you have a decent lawyer/advocate for yourself? Also I have to stress-it isn't up to the child. Children don't make those kind of major life decisions for themselves when they are 9 years old. I'm sure she is totally torn like most kids are when this happens and very confused. I wouldn't let her "attitude" toward you influence your decision. Plus who knows what her father is saying about you etc.
Yes, you have to balance what is best for you and what is best for your child. I think most courts agree that it is very important for the mom to be a part of the life of the child. If you have to move for your job that is indeed very tricky. I doubt your daughter will want that, given the circumstances. Your husband should be willing to share custody with you and it doesn't sound like he is. He is not putting the best interest of your child first. I would be trying to work it out with him somehow and not just battle. Is that possible? What about having a court appointed advocate for your daughter? It is their job to determine what would be best for the child.
I wish you the best of luck. I would consult a therapist for yourself right now. This is a major life desicion and should be made with some expert help, someone you trust. etc. I don't think you should do this under duress but from a calm state of mind. Let us know what happens.

Dear L.,
I left my ex and sons in March, 2001. My sons were then almost 18 and 15. It was the most difficult decision I ever made. I used to call them every morning on the way to work from the bus at the time I usually woke them up, and I cried every day. The first summer was a blur. Our divorce was done in Cook County, and one of the best things they had was a program called focus on children which the judge recommended. This was done in May, 2001. My older son had by then turned 18, was about to graduate high school and was scheduled to go to Navy boot camp 10 days after graduation. I didn't live that far away but as the arbitrator mentioned to me, my sons loved me but where I lived was that much out of their comfort zone. My younger son would come stay with me on weekends. It was hard,to be sure. Two years later I moved back to the familiar neighborhood where their dad still lives. My youngest son came to live with me in October, 2003. Well, let me clarify that. I was out of the city for training for 25 days in August, 2003. He said he would stay here to mind my apartment. He hasn't left! My older son doesn't see his dad. That is the long version of saying perhaps this program still exists, and perhaps it would help resolve your problem. The good part of it is that it takes the focus off of the divorce and puts it where it should be-on the children. Your 17 and 18 year olds aren't a part of that process. Well, the 17 year old might be. It is hard, to be sure. You may have to just go on and live your life and let them come to you when they want to; as adults, which the older ones are, they make that choice. I am sorry for your having to go through this. Two years of court isn't helping anyone, especially the children.
S.

I am sorry for the problems you've been having with the custody arrangements and all things given, it might be best to let it go. But I don't know if I'd move out of state if I were you. Letting go doesn't mean you have to leave Illinois, just that the discord stops.

I'd stop asking your daughter questions about this. I'm sure she loves you both very much, and it has to be hard on her to feel she has to chose one over the other. Who knows how she may feel as she grows away from the Daddy's Girl stage and into a young woman, and how much more she may want her mother around her full time then. It's more important to keep a good relationship with her now, even if you don't have physical custody, in order to truly make her feel she can go to you at any time.

If you're not already in counseling, I'd highly suggest it. Sure it would be great to get your ex and daughter involved in it, but that could cause hassles as well. Getting help yourself can make you feel better about your decisions, and also give you that unbiased third party opinion on how to best handle things with your daughter.

I wish you much luck and hope the outcome is what you want.

L., So sorry to hear! The legal issues can be complex and tricky. What are you planning to do in the other state?

I am so sorry that you have to go through this; that you ever had to start dealing with this.

Would your ex and your children sit down for a family meeting? Maybe with a non-judgemental party involved as well (Like a church pastor or a family councelor)? I think if you talk this out as a group, letting your ex and your children know your intentions (at the same time, so words can't be twisted) that would help in this situation. I can see how stressful a situation like this would be on you. I can also see how your youngest child does not want to leave her siblings, loves her father and you equally and does not want to choose. (I am a child of divorced parents as well).

I think if there is a person in your family meeting that can provide support but does not have any favor toward you or your ex, that will be helpful in coming to an agreement without fighting, harsh words, etc.

Good luck in coming to your decision.

When I was nine, my parents were also in a horrible custody battle...same situation with two older siblings. My dad, sat me down, explained the situation, told me that he wanted me to live with him...then also explained that my mom wanted me. He also told me openly why he thought he would be a better parent yada yada......I CHOSE to go with my dad. Very hard since my two older sisters went with my mother. I have never regretted it. I think a nine year old understands A LOT. Take the time to sit down with your child AND your husband, if possible. An open discussion where your child feels loved will only help both of you in parenting. Good Luck. m

L.,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I would definitely get some sort of unbiased third party counseling -- for you, to help you work through this BIG decision, and also for the family. If your ex won't go, go with the kids. Ask your lawyer and trusted friends for recommendations so the counselor is someone you feel comfortable with. Some people have a bias against getting this sort of help, but when it's the right person, it's priceless. It will help you make a decision you feel good about - which is so helpful in your darker moments, knowing you make a very thoughtful, good decision (whatever it is). And being in a safe place to talk about what you're really feeling is a huge relief for kids. Knowing they'll be supported and heard and that you will, too, might allow your daughter to say what she fears is hurtful, etc. Divorce mediators and counselors that specialize in this are there to help facilitate a process that will leave everyone working towards a good outcome. Search for the right person to help you do this for yourself and your kids. You deserve it and so do they.
Best of luck to you.