Am I the Only White Girl? Interracial Marriage.

My one piece of advice is to to stop sitting quietly when everyone else is talking and hanging out. Find things that you can add to the conversation.

In some ways I've felt the way you do. My ex husband's family was always polite to me for the most part and even though race wasn't an issue, they never made me feel like part of the family. I tried for years to find things in common with them and grow a strong bond, but the want has to be on both sides. Keep trying to find those little things that make you important to the family, and build on that.

I obviously don't know all the background, but are you sure this is about race? My husband is from a big family and they've all lived in the same town for 3 generations. Whenever they get together it's like "I saw Tommy - the one whose younger sister used to go to school with Jimmy and her mother moved to Florida when her step-dad passed away and yadda yadda yadda." I don't know any of those people, so the stories aren't funny or even interesting. But it's how they relate to each other.

I just have to remember it's not about me, it's just what they do. I ask questions that the other brothers don't - how's work? Are you going on vacation? Stuff about the nephew's school, etc. My role in the family won't ever be exactly like everyone else's, but it can be significant nonetheless. You don't have to sit quietly while everyone gossips - ask to get in on what you can. Just something to consider. Good luck.

I think the situation would be awkward for you even if everyone was white because the longstanding relationships already exist. I don't think you can force the relationships to grow any faster, but you can foster the good feelings that you are looking for. Maybe brainstorm with your husband and your closest family on how you can become more a part of the family and community. Just asking might be an icebreaker for you. Good luck!

Ok I'm part of an interracial couple too ( not hispanic, my husband is Piaute/Shoshone and we live in a reservation town so I know the odd white person out feeling)
Hmm I'd say even though you're a good cook ask your mother in law and sis in laws to teach you to make a few unusual dishes. I'd also pay attention to what they talk about ( like a tv show or author or something) and try to get familiar with that.
Also, at least for me, I have just kind of pointed out the elephant in the room and said ok I'm the white chick... so what do I need to know that I don't already and my in laws have been good about a bunch of tips ( which also makes them feel good for helping me)
Good luck:)

Well my sister ( we are white) married a chinese guy and it was never an issue for our family. My brother married a korean woman and again it was never an issue.
Maybe they do like you. Maybe they are more reserved then yourself? Maybe you try to hard? I know I like people to like me. My mother in law was nice to me but then she would tell me how jealous she was of me. We are both white. Its also so silly. Life is so short when we look back when we are old and wise I think more people would strive for less strife.

hahaha!!! AMIGA!!! You are NOT the only white girl out there married to a Latino!! I myself am too! We have been married for 7 1/2 years with two boys and one more on the way. I am also the only white person in my husbands family and he is the only latino. But, most of his family is still in Mexico. So, when I went to Mexico to visit....I chatted (I speak spanish fluently) and joked and gossiped just like everyone else. They made fun of me because I am not the best cook in the world, but were struck dumb by the fact that I can dance just like they do!
You are only an outsider if you let yourself be one. If you speak a little spanish than use what little you have to get in there and gossip. Ask your husband to help you out with some of the translating, just BE there with your MIL when she is cooking...you don't have to speak. Try to communicate with her (I know that for me, I was a bit nervous when I went down to Mexico, but they were so THRILLED to have us there that they didn't care that I didn't know how to use Ustd. when speaking to adults. And if I couldn't say something they were always quick to help out), she will aprreciate the effort. I think though, that the most important thing that you can do is love her son and her grandbabies. Take care of them to the best of your abilities and they will love you no matter what!
Feel free to chat me up if you want...I am in the same boat as you dynamics wise!
L.

I wont worry if I were you, We are an hispanic family and two of my cousins are merried to white girls, we are a biiiiigggg croud as most mexican families are and a bunch of girl cousins. It gets difficult some times because of language barriers, we normaly speek spanish, specially in family gatherings. I can asure you, even if I don't know your crowd that they most definetly like you, and they love your kids, you are part of the family, belive me, its just some times we do not think somebody is feeling left out since that is not an regular concept we use, that is part of our culture, everybody comes and goes as they please and we figure that since you are there even if you do not talk to much, we would think is because we are to loud and you probably aren't. I am sure you will be fine, is is highly respected when you show good parenting and goos husband-wife relationship, no metter what culture or race you are. I hope I gave you some peace of mind. I am sure you will have other incuranging comments, there is a lot of interracial marriages out there.

I know I'm late responding, but I know how you feel! I just wanted to say my family & friends are every combo under the sun...and we just TALK about it. Our differences, our sameness. My husband & I are white, but from VERY different soco-economic backgrounds--he is way more "upper-crust" & I'm a step below trailer trash (never lived in a trailer--lived in projects instead!!). LOTS of room for feeling left out there!!

I did have some serious culture shock when I moved here (So SD) 25 yrs ago from the mid-west--the differences where both racial & cultural. My husband is from LA and his cousins are Mexican, so living here was heaven for him. Small town, family oriented area, not too close to his family, but all the yummy food & the ocean too. Over the years, we have made our own little "La Familia" and everyone calls us the "Chica Blancas". My girls get to have "Tias, Tios & primos" that they actually get to SEE on a regular basis, not once in a blue moon.

There are always cultural/family differences, I think it's just important to treat everyone with respect & kindness.

During ANY gathering--family parties, Moms talking at school while waiting for the kids, where ever I am, I listen in. I don't speak any Spanish, but I'm nosy & willing to look the fool to make everyone laugh. Yes, I "eavesdrop" on the Spanish convo...pick out the 3 or 4 words I get & then jump in & ask for translations! Great ice breaker & everyone wants to explain what's going on.

And IN-LAWS, no matter the culture/religion/color can be VERY difficult to deal with, it just depends on the individuals personalities. BTW, this summer I read a great Young Adult book called Mexican White Boy, think the author is called Matt De La Pena. Good Luck

My husband is also Latino/African American his family loves me but will always talk about white people this white people that, and I am in the room. They always say they aren't talking about me becasue I'm family. My GF is white married to a Jamacian and lives in a Jamacian neighborhood in BKLYN. She stands out like a sore thumb and her MIL is hateful to her but like you she has 2 gorgeous kids and her hubs loves her so she doesn't care about MIL or anyones opinion. I'm sure you are a fabulous woman why else would your hubs marry you, but you can't MAKE people like you. Families are clicky you are making every effort so stay strong and unless someone goes past your bounderies just roll with the punches.

Hi Jules, I'm white and my husband is black, my brother inlaws are all married to black woman, I have been the only white person at a dinner table, my kids are half white but olive toned with brown hair and brown eyes, both my daughter inlaws are Mexican. My husband and I have been married for 29 years. Just be yourself, and if that is not enough, Jules that's on them. I have 3 kids as well 2 good looking sons and a beautiful daughter. So no you are not the only white girl in a interracial marriage. J. L.

I always wondered if I smelled different... Eliminate the "race"... think ethnicity. I, "white", English/Ductch descent) married into a "white" (German/Norwegian) family. My husband called them "the clan" and they were. I looked my shiny best for every occasion but I was always (and still am over 50 years later -- sister-in-law+family) an outsider. Hard as I would try to say something relevant to anyone in "the family", I was always 'politely' nodded at but rarely acknowleged as to input or relevance. I might have been speaking another language. I always wound up playing with the kids especially when I eventually had my own and the others were older. however, Grpops and Grmas loved the gr-kids so I don't think the 'stimata' passed to them... I've always wondered and finally accepted that they were unaware of my feelings and would have been surprised if I had tried to point it out... This was just them and their ways... Let it go! Just be you! No doubt you are a wonderful person to worry about it for your children but they don't have the same views you do... They think they are the 'center of the universe' don't they??? Keep your husband thinking he is!

Hi Jules,

The language is the barrier. You've got to become fluent. Since your so immersed, it should be easy. Get yourself that Rosetta Stone instruction and get going. The family will appreciate that you're working so hard to become closer, and that in turn, will build an even stronger bond.

Best of luck, don't get discouraged! At least you've got their love, the rest will come.

I very often feel leftout because I don't speak the language and I don't understand a lot of the customs. I've learned more about their culture, and that helps. The only other thing I can suggest is try learning more of the language. Asking them to help you may be a good way to connect.

As you know, you can't make someone LIKE you. Just be yourself.

I married an Asian. His family has been wonderful to me. (This could have something to do with the fact they've been stuck with me since I was 15 years old, but either way I'm blessed.) My husband, on the other hand, has had to deal with a traditional white family that was less than thrilled that I chose to marry someone who wasn't white. Nobody else in my family has ever married outside our culture. Ever. I know there are times that he feels awkward at family meals. It's not like he doesn't know how my grandmother feels about asian people. She'll tell anyone who will listen. :p But, we look at it this way... For people who are older, you probably are not going to change their opinions of your race. What you can change is their opinion of you. You can be friendly, try to learn about things they are interested in, and don't start family drama. Not everyone in the world likes everyone else, but if you are doing your best to be friendly, they will either come around or they won't. Good luck. :)

Hola Jule,
I am in the opposite marriage, I am Mexican and my husband is American.
My husband likes my family and my family likes him, but they barely talk to each other (my husband doesn't speak Spanish and my mom is just learning some English). It use to drive me nuts, and still does sometimes, but anytime my mom needs anything, my husband is the first one to try to help. I came to the conclusion that he just doesn't feel comfortable but show he cares and likes them in a different way.
Then there is the relationship between me and mi MIL, we talk, we do stuff for each other, etc, but when things go wrong she will be the first one on my through.
I think learning the language will help you a lot but other then that I think is great you are interested in learn your husband traditions, food, dance (and I hope he does the same thing for you), perhaps that is a little intimidating for your in-laws. I am Mexican and I don't cook Mexican food, is a shame that you cook better then me, lol.
Try one on one activities with them, so they can get to know "you" and you don't get lost in big family reunions.
As you get to know them better and they get to know you better you will have more conversation and inside jokes with them.
However, be careful how much closer you really want to get, sometimes I wish I wasn't too close to my in-laws and I miss those days when I would just get there and be out of the family drama, lol.
Mucha suerte!
PS: I like Nidia answer and she is so true, we are loud, lol and your in-laws maybe think that you are quite and they let you be, we don't think much in the left out concept. We do take family very serious and you have become part of them and so your kids.

I feel this way at my husband's family's events and we're all white!

Seriously, though, I had a few thoughts as I read your post...

First, have you tried engaging them in conversation, even with your limited Spanish? Would they be excited that you're putting yourself out there?

Second, do you have time to learn to be more proficient at Spanish? Perhaps you could have a family member coach you and use the parties as a way to practice. Most people love sharing their language and culture (even if you have been around for a while).

Third, perhaps you could interact with a sister-in-law, one on one, ask for some of the backstory on the gossip you hear and then join her group during the next party. Maybe with some of the background (and your increased language skills) it will be easier to join in.

I'm sure you've tried all this, but it's what worked for me (minus the language part). Good luck!

Steph :)

You can only be yourself and you are as comfortable with them as THEY try to make you feel. You have already embraced your husband's culture and family so don't feel as though you haven't done enough. Be genuine and if you feel a bit left out of convo, at times, it's ok, too. Unfortunately, this is a all too common thing in mixed marriages.

I am Chinese and my husband is Italian - American. I get along with his family great especially his mom. My MIL and I are like best friends. We confide in each other and she was even in the delivery room with me when I delivered our first child. She is a nurse so she is very compassionate and I get along with her great since day one. I also have a good relationship with my FIL and my two brother in laws. I don't see my husband's brothers as much but we get along when we see each other.

I am not sure if I am more Americanized than some Asians might be even though I was not born in America. I think it's not so much race but depends on the person? I know you are from a different culture than your husband and his family but have you tried interacting with them more and trying to get in on the conversations more? Are you shy and they are not? I know it's hard to get in on a conversation when they are talking about family or experiences that they have been through. Maybe you can talk to your husband and tell him to see if his family can include you more in their conversation when you guys have a family gathering?

I think if it is really bothering you, you should definitely talk to your husband about it.

I am a white girl married to a Mexican/Asian guy. Of the 3 out of 4 brothers who are married, they've all married white girls. That said, I still feel left out of the conversation, inside jokes, plans, etc. when the family gets together. I've come to realize that part of that is because my husband is left out where the other brothers are concerned, so it's trickled down to me. I struggle every week at our family dinners between sitting quietly or participating in a conversation that really has nothing to do with me. I can only say that I understand how you feel, but to blame it on race is just an easy out. It might just be something you have to get used to or avoid. I personally am torn as to what to do each and every week. I wish you lots of luck!

Hi Jules,

I have not read the other answers, but I am sorry you feel this way. One, this is all in your mind (the feeling of being an outsider). They do not feel this way, they are just going about their normal routine and not focusing on you AT ALL (that is the problem), and two, it will likely never change. I am american and my husband is Persian (pretty American at that too). Whenever we are around family, they all speak Persian to each other. Sometimes they speak English, but mostly Farci. I have never felt like an outsider, but have felt that they are not being considerate to think of me. It will never change, so I have learned to deal with it. OK, sometimes it still bothers me, but then I move on.

Sorry. If you spoke Spanish very well, you probably would not be feeling this way.

Good luck.

I suggest you ask your husband to talk to his parents in so me of their converserasion if you have time try to learn more spanish it might help you feal more a part of the family good luck A. no hills i took spanish and still ask my husband in spanish the time because i think it fun a the other langwige is yeddish

I read your "so what happened" so I am a little late but, I can relate but the opposite. I am hispanic and come from a large family (I have 27 first cousins on my mom's side!) My husband is white and has a small disconnected family. (he has 5 cousins and sees none of them, ever). i have been feeling very lonely cause I miss my family which is in another state. I miss the craziness of everyone and always having someone around some where to go. I agree its a not a race issue its a culture and/or In-law isssue. while yes learning the language can help its the feeling within yourself. You can decide if your an outsider by how you feel. Don't try to become more like "them" cause you will loose yourself. Remember who you are! Decide that "I am who I am and this is MY family"

I know you've already gotten lots of responses, but just wanted to add that, maybe you should try spending time with you in-laws and other members of your hubby's family in smaller groups - maybe invite your MIL out to lunch, just the two of you, so you are forced to talk only to each other and get to know each other, or invite both in-laws over for dinner with just you and your hubby and ask him to initiate conversation that has to include you... hang in there!

Latino or Hispanic is not a race. I'm white and from Argentina (latina).
Talk with your family and enjoy those family moments.
Good luck.

I, too am the only white girl in a family of Asians. I guess I was never immersed in the thick of it for long periods of time like you are. My husbands family would get together at least monthly to have a big Chinese meal and hang out being together, but after that day we would go home. I think the thing that helped me is I got really close to one of my husbands sisters. Your husbands family may seem like a big chunk of mexican-ness, but they are made up of individuals. See if there is one or two that you can share common ground with and get closer to. It is really hard to move to a new place, especially if you don't speak the language well.