Am I Overreacting?? - Ballwin,MO

J.,
I am so sorry that your husband did not get Mother's Day correct.
I found that if I made Father's Day wonderful my husband got the message.

I have been in counseling for the past six months. My counselor told me last week all men are relationship retarded so therefore if you wanted a nice dinner you should have told him straight up that is what you wanted. I just don't think these creatures (men) can figure us out.
My birthday was Thursday and my crazy husband gave me a can of mixed nuts. Guess what I got on mothers day? Another can of mixed nuts because they were on sale 2 for 1. YOu'd have to know my husband but I gave him no ideas for either so when I leave him on his own he gets me some crazy things. One year for Christmas I got a fire extingesher and another a carbon monoxide dectector.
Hope this makes you smile! And by all means next year tell him exactly what you want!
R. <><

Juile, No, I don't think you are overreacting. my family got together for brunch after church then we came home. and I think we just ate whatever at home.on saturday he took my 15 yr old daugther shopping. but that was after we wet to look for something to cover our deck for my oldest daughters grad party. he said that he thought that would be my gift. then I showed him a law chair I liked. then went saw them at another store and were cheaper. so when he got home they went to the store GEE! I wonder where they went and got. Yep!! the chair and my daughters both got me movies. So!! after all that being said. he did alot of the same. he did do his mom though. but she is easy because she is in a home andhe jsut got her a shirt and cheap necklace. I think he put more thought in her then me. I would try to nicely to say that you were a little hurt how it went. and see if he realizes. Guys don't really think! Sorry!!

J.,

Please don't take this as me being rude, but men are not mind-readers and you are not his mother. I think he should've had the kids do something nice, but you did receive a bracelet from him that he bought and picked out- more than a lot of mothers out there, including me. I personally don't feel its necessary to be treated any different on Mother's Day. Yes, its a day to be appreciated and recognized - but that should be every day something that should've been instilled from the beginning of your relationship and in your kids - to thank you every day and be appreciative of all you do. Bells and whistles shouldn't have to sound one day a year for you to feel appreciated, but then again, maybe I just think and feel different than most. Good luck!

Hi J.,

First, let me wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I am sorry that your husband didn't make the day what you had wished it to be. I, also, have been married close to 11 yrs and have learned that men are not mind readers. As much as we women think that it is logical and reasonable for them to know what we want, I have found that telling my husband exactly what I want is the best way to avoid disappointment on both sides.

For example, if my husband watches the kids while I go out for the evening, that is exactly what he does; he watches the kids. In my mind, that also means, put the dishes in the dishwasher, pick up the toys, do a load of laundry...the list goes on. The stuff I do every day. But, let's face it; they are men. They think differently then they do. If I want to avoid disappointment in that situation, I tell him exactly what I want him to do before I leave. When I come back, it's done and we're both happy.

A friend of mine knew that she would get nothing for Mother's Day unless she told her husband ahead of time. She found an ad for a florist having a sale on red roses (exactly what she wanted), cut out the ad, and told her husband she thought these would be nice for Mother's Day. She got them and they were both happy.

I am glad that your husband got you a nice necklace and went to breakfast with you and your mom. It sounds to me like he tried to make the day special for you. He even took time to play with the kids! Your surgery may be affecting the way you feel about everything and your energy level. Don't be too hard on him, it sounds like he is a good guy.

D.

I don't think you are over reacting, especially since you just had major surgery. He should have taken a more pro-active role in planning something for his mom. I spent most of my day like any other too. My husband is improving though.
I find it very hard to feel like I need to hold my husband's hand in things like this, he is after all an adult. But I kept saying 'babys steps" to myself. Id on't want to change him, I want him to want to make it a special day for me. Like your husband, mine works long hours all week, then heads off to golf on Sat. mornings. So feel like I should be treated like a queen for one day a year.
Talk to him next year about making it special for his mom and then remind him that your kids are learning from his example. Playing with the kids all day is great but he needs to teach them to be extra kind to you on Mother's day.
Don't be too hard on him, his dad probably never made a big deal either. But times have changed!

Here was my Mother's day. I got up at 630am to be with my two year old. My husband slept in till 930AM and then made himself something to eat and went to the basement for an hour or so. After that he came upstairs to take a shower. My parent's came over for lunch. I picked it up and paid for the meal and cleaned up. After they left he took a nap and my daughter and I played. He got me a gift card to the mall, which was nice. Your mother's day sounds nice to me.

I told my son that I noticed how my husband's attention to me was 1,000% improvement over his father's attention to his mother. But, I also told him that nothing changes completely in just one generation, or even two. I told him that he would occasionally see his father's small moments of innattentiveness, and that I have found those things easy to forgive because he means well and loves me so deeply. But, I also told him that I expect to see him treat his wife better than that.

He is not yet married, but I have seen how much more observant he is than his father. Of course, his father is still learning and so am I.

When I was young, a very wise woman told me that women are often more natural educators and to not expect that my husband will know how to treat me if I do not teach him. This was great advice and kept me from many disappointments.

But, also remember that criticism is not education. Fathers' Day is coming soon. You might want to help the children show him appreciation on Fathers' Day in a meaningful way. Then you can reflect with him on how you found that the children needed your encouragement and guidance and that the respect a child shows one parent is taught to them by the other parent. Most men do not understand that it is their responsibility to teach the children to demonstrate respect and care for their mother.

It is also important to honor yourself and the healing you are experiencing. You might want to tell your family that while you are recovering, it helps to be shown some extra nurturing. Feeling cared for really does speed up the healing process.

Remember, ladies, that nurturing is one of our more natural talents and what we give to our families daily. When we need it, we really need to plan it for ourselves and ask for it. It is our specialty. We may have to teach it or gently encourage it to come from a husband. Just because your family has not learned to do for you what you do for them does not mean they do not value you. This is very important to remember. They just haven't learned how to express it the way you do.

We are all learning and it sounds like this has been a great learning experience for you. I love that you are reflecting on the situation and asking for perspectives. Your family is blessed to have you.

By the way, Happy Mothers' Day!!!

Little children can't plan a mothers day day for you. I have always looked at mothers day as a day to be thankful for my children. Your husband bought you a beautiful necklace and acknowledged things it sounds like. Please don't be bitter, I spent mothers day in the hospital with my 22 year old son that tried to take his own life... I had the best mothers day ever blessed that my son was alive. Don't lay guilt or disappointment on anyone.. spending every mothers day cherishing your children knowing someday they will be out on their own and on future mothers days, be sure they now that they are gifts from god and all you want is to be with them on that day. That's why you are a mom, that is what really matters.. that's special !

On one hand I would say yes, you are over-reacting. Breakfast, no matter who planned it, was nice. He got you a necklace, and watched the kids so you could go out on your own. It sounds like he did quite a lot. But it seems as though he forgot the most important thing and that is a Happy Mothers Day from your babies. I remember one year I told my hisband I did not want anything, my birthday is on May 6 and that year Mothers Day was May 8, well that was exactly what I got. I told him later that night that my feelings were hurt becuase I did not even get a card from the kids.
Last night I told him all I wanted was to sleep in and not get up until the coffee was ready. We woke up to no power, so he dug out the camping stove and perculator and made coffee.
I do not know if he is the "typical" man but I know that if there is something I want I had better just say it. Talk to your husband before you let this bother you. I bet once you tell him how hurt you are he will make sure it doen't happen again.
On a side note, I got a cofee mug and a journal and we ordered pizza for dinner;)

And what more did u expect??
you got a necklace, he fed the kids, did you tell the kids, as young as they are- that it was Mothers DAY? how do u expect kids to know unless told.?
I think your surgery has a bit to do with your being depressed. YOU should have had help doing housework and taking care of the children for a couple weeks after surgery. Does your mother work? if not ask her to help for awhile. ALL you have to do is fess up, ask for help. Do not try to do it all yourself.
4,6, and 8, are not old enough to help.

He did a fine job! He may not have given you exactly what you wanted, but he did spend time with you (which is apparently pretty valuable given his work-load), gave you jewelry, watched the kids so you could have 'J.-time', and got you dinner... it wasn't exactly what you wanted, but what a nice treat it was for those things he DID do. Think also - did you really want him to make you dinner? Was it the food you wanted - or was it him spending time doing something for you that you liked and enjoyed? If it was the food, then - tell him next time. If, instead, you wanted him to do something for you... He did :)

He made his mother brownies and sent flowers - that's awesome!

If you feel you have been slighted by being home-maker/mommy while he's working, let him know that. Same goes for wanting him to make you a dinner... You've been together for a while, but I bet he still can't read your mind :)

I've done a lot of pondering about Mother's Day. I used to wish to have the day off and be treated special for the whole day, by my husband and kids. My birthday often falls on Mother's Day, so I really expect to be treated like a Queen. That never happens - at least not in the way I hope for. This mother's day, I decided to expect nothing so I wouldn't be disappointed. Two of my daughters woke me up at 6:30am and told me to count to 100 then come downstairs. I opened my bedroom door and there were little Dove chocolates hanging from threads from the ceiling in a path all the way to the kitchen. It was chocolate from Heaven! They had made me breakfast. There were flowers on the table from my son (who did not wake up for this occasion, nor did my other daughter.) Everyone went to church with me as I had requested. Later my son asked if we were going to go to lunch (he's 18) and I said I wasn't in charge of the celebration. He said let's go to lunch and he drove. Then he didn't pay nor offer to pay. I paid for my own mother's day lunch. The card my son gave me was very fancy. When I opened it, there was a $5 bill in it. He wrote "Here's the $5 I owe you for this card." So, my daughers understand Mother's Day and my son obviously did not. (Last year he gave me nothing, so this was an improvement) I ended up doing several loads of laundry and cleaned the house. And it hit me - we mothers are magical to our husbands and children. We can't even describe what we do and take care of in an hour, much less a day. We are wonders to our family and they can't even begin to comprehend our role. It's really unwise to expect them to take over your job for the day when they cannot even grasp what all we do. The most we can expect is their appreciation for being their loving mothers, in whatever way they are able to express it. Our husbands can be told directly what we want and how we want to be made to feel. It's our husband's job to direct the kids to do for mom. Being a mom is a reward in itself and having our families is a gift everyday.

Believe it or not, men need to be told! I have literally the best husband I know of (amongst my friends) and he still needs to be told. Personally, I think that all they think about is work, (and sex) so they do not spend time, or can't, thinking about what to get us. I told my husband: "Made by Me, kids, handprints." And I told my son, "birdhouse or platter." I do not like having to tell them what I want, but that's the way it is. I also asked for uninterrupted time so I could clean out my drawers and a "backrub with no strings attached." I got both. I do not think it is your responsibility to get your mother-in law a card/flowers; she's not your mother. Nice of you, but not your job. If he forgets, he forgets. That's on him, not you.I do think it is the Dad's responsibility to make sure the kids (if they are too young to think of it themselves) get you something. That is why I saw every Dad in the area at Wal-Mart, Saturday, with their kids. But boy did they look out of place!!
As far as cleaning goes, I really think it is hard to have a day when you do absolutely no mother work. It would be nice, but our job really is 24-7, 365 days.
I really do think men mean well, but they really don't know better. Because of this, make sure you teach your boys how to be good husbands. But be blessed that you got jewelry and shopping. Not one of my friends got that. Good Luck!

I just read some other responses, and ya know what, one gal was right, we are not our husband's mother. Why do we expect stuff from them? That day is called our anniversary! I think the hubby should make sure the kids get something for mom, if, and only if, they are too young to pay for/drive on their own.

I can't say I am an authority on how to get your man to dole out the worshiping you so rightly deserve, as mine was a jerk all day due to me buying myself clothing I so desperately needed the day before. HOWEVER! Yes, unfortunatly, I have found that if you want anything to happen at all, you do have to say it; spell it, too in some cases. Men don't have that emotional day attachment like we do, and the practicality of life can sometimes overshadow any smooshey emotional happiness we sometimes expect. Furthermore, I have learned to try and curb expectation. If you can, just sit back and let the day happen and love whatever does happen to land in your lap. Enjoy the necklace, the time away, and the moments with your mother alone. It sounds like settling, and maybe it is. But it sure beats being disappointed every female driven holiday. Also, I plugged Mom's Day to my family all last week, asking how they did intend to worship me on Sunday! And, my 9 year old followed through and was an amazing chearleader. So, sometimes, demanding your worth is necessary, and you should certainly not feel timid. Happy Mothers Day J.! Good luck on your healing, and let us know how it goes next year!

I'm sorry you did't get what you were hoping for.

Honestly, I never ask my husband for gifts, cards, flowers, etc. on Mother's Day, because I'm not his mother.

I have also found that you do need to be direct and clear about what you expect and what you want. Men are not mind readers, no matter how much we wish they were.

I hope this week is better for you.

My persepective, I considered my Mother's Day to be Saturday. I watched and helped my daughter's Challenger baseball game. We went to get a quick lunch then dashed to a bookstore for a book signing party. My husband then occupied our 10 year old daughter who is non-verbal and a child with autism, for over 2 hours in the bookstore while our 13 year old son sat with me and began to develop an appreciation I share of books and reading.

On Sunday, I got no card. Husband and I shared the task of making dinner together. Neither of my children so much as wished me a happy Mother's day, though in my daughter's case it is more understandable. Our daughter did everything possible she could dream up to be naughty and bad.

Even after all that, I still cherish the time we spent together.

It's sounds like he did good to me. But you need to tell him that it would be nice to take the kids let them pick out a card and sign - little flowers that they can walk in and hand you. (His dad probably didn't teach him)
You can tell him it's training for when they are old enough to do it on their own. If you want a dinner ask for that. Keep in mind making a nice dinner and taking care of the kids for a man is alot. He sounds like a great guy. Hang on to that guy and Love him.

As for going out - If you want to go out on Mother's Day go real early. It's almost like Valentines. I would rather leave the kids with one of the G'ma's and have a nice dinner on a different day. :)

my heart goes out to you - not because of mother's day (you did WAY better than i did!) but because you have a tough ride right now. hysterectomy is major surgery - you need lots of tlc, and that's impossible when you have 3 little boys! you definitely need a bigger break than what you got, but the name of the day on which it happens doesn't matter .

i'm at home with a 4 & 7 year old - often alone, because my husband travels and has hobbies that take him out of the house. i have had my share of health problems while taking care of them. it's been difficult. for mother's day, we took my mom and his mom out to breakfast. i gave them gifts. i considered myself lucky to have a babysitter (my inlaws are staying with us from out of town), so i spent the rest of the day grocery shopping and doing laundry & dishes. i had prepared supper the night before so no one would have to cook.

but i didn't just have surgery! so, i do send you my sympathies, a big virtual hug (((( )))), and an invitation to write me back if you ever want to chat :-)

It sounds to me like he did an okay job. He got you a necklace and gave you some mommy time to yourself. That is more than I got and I was very grateful. I think you might be over-reacting a little bit.

Husbands are brain dead when it comes to mothers day.

Hi J.,
Perhaps I can give you a different perspective.
My Mother's Day consisted of going grocery shopping and making brunch for my Dad, Stepmother, her two teenagers and my own teenager, my stepmother and I did the dishes and caught up on what's been happening even though we live a block apart! Everyone left and I straightened up the house and made dinner for my daughter and myself. We watched a movie together and played scrabble. My daughter got me a vintage pin of greyhounds(which I didn't need or want, but it was a sweet thought), my dad gave me a sweet card, and that was that. I was grateful for the time I got to spend with my family and for the thoughtfulness of my daughter, even though the gift was a little odd. I made the best of what it was and found a way to make it meaningful for me (her high school mascot is the greyhound- and I am so not a dog person, or wearer of mascots!!). I was a little too honest when I opened it and even considered exchanging it for something else, but decided to make the most of it and put on a scarf I could wear it on, and a hat and everyone had a good laugh at my funny outfit that I threatened to wear on her first day back to school in August. Honestly, I'll probably wear it seldom, if ever, but it was such a sweet thought from my daughter who spent her hard earned babysitting money on a gift for me. I'll gently let her know that just because I agree with her that something is 'cute' it doesn't mean that I want or need it. I'm exemplifying that material things don't equal love, and also being clear with my likes and dislikes without being rude or ungrateful. I am also being clear about my expectations for holidays and everyday responsibilities. I am a full time single mom, my ex lives in Texas (really) and I work full time, keep my own house and garden, and help to care for my father who is diabetic and relatively crabby most of the time.
So from my perspective, you had what sounds like a wonderful day with your family. And husbands, as I know from experience as well as observation, typically don't do things unless they are clearly spelled out. (Think of Chimpanzee world- male chimps do not help with the offspring!! And after the initial mating ritual don't even show up with tributes for their mates...) And the most important thing is that 'expectations' are never met unless they are expectations of ourselves, no one likes to be told what to do, and if we are consistently grateful for what we have and if we treat people the way we want to be treated and if we hold high standards at all times for ourselves and others (standards are not expectations) we will have a very pleasant experience.
As for just recovering from major surgery, please be gentle on yourself! Absolutely your hormones will be out of balance and your body is in a mode of healing. I recommend getting enough time off of your feet, long warm (not hot) baths in Epsom salts, and paying close attention to your diet. If you have not been exercising regularly pre-surgery, Now is the time to get something going. Your body is headed for some big changes. Feel free to e-mail me anytime for tips.
Lastly, every day is mother's day and you deserve to be recognized each day with love and hugs.
Please let me know if this is helpful in any way.
Well wishes,
D.

Hi J., I kinda know what you mean. I mean I think I do have a pretty good husband and my son is a thoughtful boy. But Sunday I was originally going to be out of town for the entire weekend) but because i was sick, i ended up not going away for the weekend. So given that, he didn't have as much time as usual to arrange something. He did have my cards ready one from my son and one from him. My issue was that he gave me his card which was really nice and pretty. It was all sealed up in one of those wrappers so it didn't get bend up at the store. So I open it up to read it and it's beautiful!! Only problem......it's not SIGNED!!! I'm thinking "what he He**"!! So I asked him about it and he tell me that he though it was a special "dust free" card that was not suppose to be out of the packed. Can you believe that?? My gift was going to be a new door that I've been wanting for the house. We are goign to hopefully get that in the next few days or so. Also Even better either last year or the year before I asked for him to make me a scrapbook page for my book. To my surprise (i've asked for this for about 5 years) he did it! The problem is....most of the pictures on there were bad! Why would anyone with any brains do that??? So anyway, I do kind of understand your frustration. My one girlfriend did something clever once with her husband because he forgot her birthday. She usually will go above and beyond to make a birthday, or anything to celebrate completly wonderful! So on his birthday she blew it off like it was not anything to get excited about. Of course he picked up on that really quick! I hate to be "tisk for task" but maybe on father days do the same thing to him that he did to you yesterday. Just to prove your point and show him how you feel. I know some feel that Mothers day, Fathers day, and Valentines day are just another "made up holiday" to sell more cards and gifts. I think everyone should always be appreciated and not be taken for granted. Sounds like you have alot going on right now and with recovering from a surgery of that type, that's alot to go through and very emotional too. I would talk with your husband and let him know how you feel. Communication is the best way to go. Good luck!! Big hugs to you and Happy Mothers day!! You deserve it!

Your hubby probably thought the morning brunch was enough Mothers Day celebration and the fact that he got you a gift. It's no surprise that the rest of the day was pretty normal. However I do think there should have been an effort on his part to get the kids to make a card or sign a card that he picked out - - - and at least acknowledge the day for you. There definitely could have been more effort made there. But most guys aren't made up with thinking to do all of these nice things for Mothers Day (or any other day). Being w/ your hubby for 11 years probably told you by now if he's 'that kind of guy'. It doesn't mean he loves you less; they just dont really know how to show it the way we want it shown. Sometime just tell him how it would be special for you if the boys acknowledged the day, etc - - but be sure you dont do it in an accusatory way or he'll just get defensive. Good luck.