Am I over Reacting and Being a "Helicopter Mom"

It always makes me mad when these activity directors (i.e. dance, and other activities) treat parents like they're the enemy. Don't they know who pays the bills? They should try to accommodate you, but some of these dance instructors can be that way.
Every kid is different. It sounds like she was unnecessarily gruff with you.

If she doesn't go on because she doesn't want someone else dressing her, it's not the end of the world.

I don't get why there is a limit to backstage moms. Id ask about that.

But in general, no, I wouldn't consider this a helicopter situation. I free range too!

I agree with Candice M.

I'm a shy introvert myself. My mother's constant hovering and babying me only made it worse. To give you an example, I had no idea how to even order my own food at a restaurant because my mom always did it for me. It has taken me years to get better in social situations. And I only improved once I was away from my mom.

It's just like how your children can be hell on wheels at home, but with other parents or grandparents they're little angels.

I do not believe the woman was rude to you at all. She was just being honest and direct, which is what is required when you have to deal with children and their parents.

This is the perfect opportunity for your daughter to learn how to handle herself with other adults. Mommy will not always be around. She needs to know this and learn how to be ok with it.

I think you would be surprised by what your daughter can do when your not there. I am a very shy person. If my mom was around I was even more shy. I am now a preschool teacher and children's photographer. When I am out doing a photo shoot, there are times when the kids are having a hard time listening to mom or dad or crying. I will tell the parents to walk around the corner where they can't see you but you can still see us. As soon as they walk away, the kids are awesome for me and take great pictures. I think your daughter will be just fine. If you are the one who is nervous about it, then please hide that from her. Do not let her know that you are scared and worried she will not do well. If you are confidant, then she will be also. Besides, you might even get picked to be back stage anyway.

Longtime ballet parent here so I have experience of what you're talking about.

To those posting that they don't get why there is a limit on numbers of backstage volunteers: .It's typical to ask for volunteer sign-ups and have a limited number of adults backstage. It is chaotic to have too many adults backstage. It also is not safe. Theaters must follow fire department limits on the numbers of people permitted backstage and in dressing rooms.

And very importantly, the volunteer adults who do it are usually responsible for corralling and coordinating small groups of kids, not just their own individual children.

The owner's coolness to this mom stems from the fact that the owner is now aware the mom would not be focused enough on getting an assigned group of dancers ready in a very short time. That can't happen if a group of kids is supposed to be dressed, made up, correct shoes on, correct hairpieces fixed, in line in the right order, standing at the correct place to be taken to the stage, etc. All that is what these parents do -- they are not there to be personal dressers to their own children only. The owner knows this mom isn't ready yet to be a backstage chaperone.

To the mom: Your daughter will be fine. The kids have adrenaline to keep them going, and she will be with her friends from her dance class, and very likely her teacher will be shepherding them. She sees her teacher and friends without you at every class. If you are there she could get the idea that "Mommy is here so maybe mommy needs to be here so maybe there's a reason this place should make me nervous." In other words - your presence could help, sure, but it also could backfire.

Tell her how much you look forward to the show and how much fun it'll be. But don't overdo the "You should be ready for this" and "I won't be there to help you" stuff. That will only make the performance scarier in her head. She takes her cues from your behavior, so be enthusiastic but not nervous and don't offer tons of advice or preparation as if she's going on some trip without you along. Do find out who would be the parent volunteer in charge of her group and tell that mom (without your child hearing you!) that she's shy. Do introduce your daughter to this mom. But leave it at that.

There are plenty of other ways you can volunteer. Seek them out. It gives you something to do so you are not worrying about your daughter. If the studio sells snacks at the show, volunteer to help with that. Or sell tickets, if paid tickets are used. Or be an usher. Ask what you can do.

I don't like to work backstage as it's rather like herding cats. Not my thing. I love to help sell food etc. out front before the show and at intermission. It frees me to sit in the audience and see the entire show, rather than being backstage during the performance and not actually seeing the performance.

Okay, here's my take on this. I'm a ballet mom. Have been since my oldest was 3. She started off very shy, like you describe your daughter. What's great about ballet is that your daughter learns not only the muscle coordination and self-control that ballet teaches, but she learns to perform. She learns that even when she's afraid or nervous, she can put on a happy face and do her best. And when she's done, she will get her first taste of why ballerinas keep coming back for more - the audience will applaud her efforts! Her mom and dad will give her flowers when she's done, just like the "real" ballerinas!

I would actually encourage you NOT to be backstage. Go sit in the audience and be amazed at how beautiful your little girl is, dancing her heart out onstage. Bring Kleenex; you'll need them! Trust me, the veteran moms who will be backstage WILL get your daughter to go out onstage. And you may actually be surprised at how little they have to encourage her to do so. ;) (And yes, sorry, if you're a first-timer and you're freaked out about this, they're not letting you backstage - let go of that expectation now.)

I've been a Lead Chaperone several times at our city's professional ballet company's production of the Nutcracker. There are usually more than 100 kids in this production, and lots of chaperones. Do you know who ISN'T allowed backstage? The mother of whatever little girl is playing Clara. Why? Because without Clara, the Nutcracker doesn't happen, and the last thing anyone wants is for Clara's mom to somehow induce some kind of meltdown. Really, it's an acknowledged fact that a child's mother backstage makes the child worse, not better. So pretty much, if your kid is likely to be fragile in any way, please, for the love of God, don't be a chaperone. Let the other moms handle it. They will, and you'll be happy watching the recital, and your daughter will love ballet, and all will be well. And then next year, when you are not feeling so anxious about it, you can chaperone.

ETA: I also wanted to let you know that if your studio has not already told you about this, you may want to go to discountdance.com or allaboutdance.com and buy your daughter a changing leotard. Basically, this is a skin-colored leo with clear straps. You can dress her in her tights and leo in the morning, and then the chaperones can just put her costume right over that. That's usually how it's done if the kids do not arrive in their costumes.

Maybe the teacher WAS harsh, but it's true, they simply can't have every mom who wants to be backstage be there. First off, it's not safe (too many bodies) and secondly it's chaos.
I bet your daughter does better than you think.
Doesn't she go to school, isn't she used to other adults helping her?
Like when she goes to the dentist, I hope you don't sit next to the chair while the dentist cleans her teeth.
And if she takes ballet, you are not standing next to her in class, right?
Give your little girl a chance. Just because she's shy doesn't mean she's too slow or delayed to understand that there are other people in the world helping her and looking out for her.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Take her back, introduce her to her friend's moms and move on. Make it completely normal. Expect her to do fine.

It isn't like they can't come get you if she freezes up!

It is not that I don't get where you are coming from, my older daughter was a soccer goalie. I would have to sit in my seat while she was bleeding, hurt, didn't know what happened but I knew she was down. If they needed me they waved me onto the field. If you don't trust the people who are instructing your daughter she shouldn't be there. I trusted my daughter's coaches so it was easy to let them take over for me.

I bet she is just tired of having the same conversations each time with parents. Every parent thinks their child needs them "there".. I think this is a good opportunity for your daughter AND for you to take this step.

Yes, our daughter was shy, but I HAD to let her experience what the other children experienced. This is part of parenting. If we do not allow our children to work through their feelings and trust themselves, how else will they learn? Many times, I had knots in my stomach about it, but I knew it was the only way she would grow her confidence.

It was so hard for me. I wanted to protect her feelings and make sure she would be fine and in the end, she always did just fine, whether I was there or not. Many times, it was very obvious, she was even surprised she had gotten through these different experiences.

(Believe it or not, I was an extremely shy child until I was in 3rd grade. Circumstances helped me overcome this)

If my daughter's were that shy, that would have been the reason for me NOT to volunteer backstage. I think your daughter may end up surprising you and handle other mom's helping her just fine. Don't you think she will follow the lead of the other girls?

relax! It's amazing what kids can do when the parents aren't helping!

Been seeing this for years with my daycare. Some examples would include:
my child will only drink from this type of cup. Ooops, sorry....your child drinks from every cup I offer. :)
my child will run off if you don't keep hold of her hand. Really? Then why does she follow the pack & play nicely?
how long does he/she cry after I leave? Sorry...I hate to say it, but it's cut off as soon as you close the door/leave the driveway/etc.

Soooo what I'm saying is....again....relax. Let your child blossom!

My child doesn't dance, but she is a singer and is in plays, and she is extremely, extremely shy. I have learned that if I am there, the meltdowns are big. It is much better when I'm not there. By making your request, the director will know that you should not be there. But she will be fine.

I do not consider this helicopter parenting and not an unreasonable request (at this age). I would try to prepare your daughter for you not being there, and hopefully she will do well. If not, then maybe it will be a lesson for the teacher ;).

Instead of having a 'talk' with the owner, I would have started prepping my daughter on what to expect. My daughter just turned 7 last week and she is very shy too. I feel I would better serve her by letting her know what to expect without you there.

A child is either mature enough to handle being in the show or she isn't. It's not the organization's fault if she gets shy and won't go on stage. I'm willing to bet that woman has to deal with a ton of "special requests" from parents, she can't please them all nor should she try.

She is 6 years old. Part of participating in recitals, games and performances is being able to handle yourself under the circumstances. Isn't that why we get kids involved in activities in the first place? New experiences, interacting with others and being strong are skills children need in the real world.

At her age there will be lots of kids who thrive in that type of environment and some who don't. You'll never find out if she can do it if you don't go with the flow a bit. Be positive, talk in an excited way about what's expected of her and see what happens. She might surprise you and if she doesn't there's always next year. It's not about the money or time you spent it's about her.

Her response was rude and uncalled for but...

Your daughter is 6, not 2. If she is incapable, even with advance warning about what's going to happen, what to expect, etc., of allowing another mom to help prepare her for the performance without a meltdown that would interfere with her ability or desire to go on stage, then maybe this isn't an activity she is suited for right now.
Our young dancers arrive dressed, with make-up and hair already done, so maybe that is an option for you. However, we also have a limited number of moms backstage, none of the moms are assist with a class that they have a child in, to ensure a parent isn't focused only on their own child's needs. Even the 2-3 year olds are separated from parents and do fine.
Her teacher will be with them, right? Then she won't be surrounded by strangers, there will be at one person she knows. You don't sit in on dance class, right? Then, she's comfortable being with her teacher outside your presence.
If she can't handle this process without you, I wouldn't do another recital.

We have young young kiddo's going on without their mom's backstage all the time. Shy or not. They see all the other kids doing it and are just fine.

I'd say if you're not picked it might do you some good too. The hassle of being back stage is you CANNOT stop helping the other kids when your own has a melt down or wants your attention and you can't pay her unlimited attention.

Seriously though, all the kids should arrive with their hair done, make up done, tights on, costume on a hanger steamed and ready to put on. They need to be carrying their shoes and any accessories they need to put on.

Once she arrives she can get dressed but in most cases the kids can't sit down on their hiney if they have a skirt, ruffle, bow, anything on the back half of their outfit.

So it's much easier to put the costume absolutely at the last minute if it will get wrinkled/crushed.

If she doesn't want anyone else to dress her then when bringing her in take her to the dressing area and simply put her costume on her then leave her with a specific mom. If you are friends with any of them make sure you can leave little one in her specific care. My friends and I do that. I have several girls who's mom's will only trust me to doing their girls hair for performances.

One has thick hair that is below her waist. I had to take her hair out of huge pin curls so she could wear a wig in Nutcracker then put it in a bun on the side of her head to wear a tiny top hat for the kids under the skirt. In a few moments plus do 6 other girls hair from a pony tail into a down style with a small bit of hair pulled up on top for the angel costumes. I had less than 5 minutes to do 7 people's hair.

One of the angels was my own girl and she got less than 30 seconds of my time. I was too busy to even talk to her. That's the life of a backstage mom. I'd rather, much rather, be out front watching the show. I can't tell you how many performances I have not seen because I was backstage.

There are many benefits to being out front. Seeing kiddo's dance is the biggest one because if you're backstage you don't get to see them dance. You head them in the direction of the stage then let them go. No one goes any further.

Go out front and enjoy the whole show. It's so much more fun. I'd say you might want a little more seasoning before taking on backstage. But if you are selected just be ready, all the make up won't be right, you'll have to change lipsticks, add blush, or add all the makeup because the mom had no idea they were supposed to wear any.

I hope you'll find peace with the choice made. Try to be as positive as possible about it with your little one. She will follow your lead.

I think you got the reaction you did because you told the teacher something that she probably hears from tons of the moms (and most of those kids probably do great without mom). That is such a common problem, plus it's probably a good excuse for those that want to up their chances of being picked. While I would be a bit annoyed, I think your best bet is to start telling your daughter what to expect if you are not picked. She may surprise you and do just fine. Often kids tend to do better without Mom or Dad around. Worse case, you lose the money you've "invested" but hopefully your daughter has enjoyed her classes and has learned lots. If the recital is the only thing that matters for ballet classes, and she refuses to go on then maybe it's not for her.

Sounds like she was a little pissy. But yes it also sounds like a helicopter mom lol. Start talking now about how exciting the recitle will be. How there will be moms back there to help with make up and costumes etc. How the moms will help kids get ready to go. That you can't wait to see her dance and you will be "OUT IN THE AUDIENCE" ready to take lots of pictures. Get her prepared. Just a heads up here from a former ballet mom you will be getting her dressed at home. They will most likely only do make up there.
It's just a mass of girls whispering and giggling in the back. She will be fine. And yes a lot of moms in the back just makes the girls nervous. If you are told a hundred times that there's nothing to be nervous about you get nervous.

If you are not chosen, could you introduce her to some of the moms in advance so she's more comfortable? I understand a shy child, but you've got to help her to overcome it. Perhaps you could put her in the first costume at home, so worst case scenario, you'd at least see the first performance. I understand the owner saying she couldn't make considerations-its not fair to the other parents that you'd automatically get an "in" because your daughter is shy. I don't think it was wrong to request it, but it's wrong to expect to automatically be accommodated.

It's a tad "helicopter"-y. You wanting to help your shy daughter is completely normal. Pulling back and letting her go is one of the hardest things you'll have to do as the parent of a shy child. So baby steps. And this is one of them. Your daughter will most likely be just fine. And each time she has to accomplish something without you it'll be another step towards helping her confidence.

You'll see. She'll be fine. Kids can be very surprising sometimes, and this might be one of those times!

Not saying she should be rude but I understand where she is coming from. Once the kids are together they do just fine and end up having fun. As far as changing in front of people that is a part of dance (modeling, acting, etc.).

My daughter did her first dance recital last year and I too was concerned that she was shy and wouldn't let anyone help her. She was also 6 and had three costume changes (including tights) and was back stage from 4:30 until 11pm. She did just fine and I was worrying over nothing.

She has her second dance recital next month and it will be the same thing again. I did purchase an under ware bodysuit (last year) so that she wouldn't feel uncomfortable changing (she is a little chubby). They sell them for children and adults with clear straps.

I get her stuff from www.discountdance.com.

As a parent of an introvert, I feel u are not helicoptering but if u don't get picked, just tell her what to expect and she might surprise you.

yes, you are. sorry.
nothing wrong with being shy, and nothing wrong with understanding your own child and wanting to help her out. but that doesn't mean coddling her. she takes ballet and wants to dance in the recital. this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for her to learn to push past her discomfort. if she's genuinely so timid she can't allow another nice mother to help her get ready, she's not ready for ballet and recitals. and it's time she started facing that dilemma.
rather than encouraging her to cling to you, you should be presenting her with opportunities like this to move past it.
and frankly, with a little girl this needy there will be concern that if you ARE picked, you won't focus on the other kids at all but be all wound up in your own.
if you don't want to 'throw away' money, you shouldn't have her in such an expensive activity. but i think it was a good call. now follow through.
khairete
S.

If you're not picked to help backstage, I would look at the list of Moms who will be backstage & see if there's a Mom whom your daughter feels most comfortable/least shy around. I would talk to that Mom, explain your daughter's shyness & ask, " If my daughter's feeling shy and unsure, can she check in with you?" I don't think there are many Moms out there who would say no. I'm sure your daughter will do well without you, but sometimes it's helpful to know there's a friendly face to help you if you need it!

Good Luck to you both!
T.
SAHM of 5
13, 12, 6, 4 & 2

At 6 years old, the girls should be arriving with their hair and make-up done. If there are costume changes, the girls should be undressing/dressing themselves. The backstage moms will just be CHECKING and HELPING each girl if she needs it (ie zipper is stuck... or making sure bow is straight), but they are not going to physically dress each 6 year old girl... that is honestly ridiculous.

She's not going to be sharing a special moment with whichever mother is back there... and if it happens to be you, I'd still plan to back off a bit and let her do her own thing... the other girls will not have their moms dressing them, I promise.

Stop stressing about this. Your daughter can do this. She goes to school without you. She goes to ballet without you. Let her do this without you, too. You never see her when you're not there, maybe she's stronger than you think.

T..

Maybe you need to practice now with your daughter and have other people help her change her costumes a few times.

Explain to her that there are some times that someone else may have to help her with things because mommy won't be there.

Also... don't act sad and all weepy about it (your daughter may pick up on your emotions if you act like there is a problem...) .... talk about how much fun the whole thing is going to be, and how she has to have someone else help her so everyone can get on stage and do the next dance! Talk it up in an excited tone, and that may help.

my daughter did dance. while she is not overly shy she is weird about people shes not comfortable with undressing her. however since she was comfortable with the kids in her class she was ok back stage with out me. she did not have a costume change at all so all she had to do was switch from her warm ups to her costume. the moms who have done this a lot bring games, books and such to help entertain the kids. i also packed a small back pack with snacks and water and things to occupy her.
if you have never had your kid in a recital then you wouldnt know how busy it is back stage. you have girls that have many costume changes, kids lining up to go preform, kids coming in from off stage, parent helpers helping them change head to toe. it can be quite an ordeal.
i personally think your little one will be ok. explain to her that when she is back stage she needs to listen to the parent in charge of her group. also explain to her that when she is on stage she will not be able to see you in the audience so she needs to do her dance and smile. most dont think to say that and their kid tries looking for them instead of preforming.

I think the other moms here crack me up. I would never let someone I was PAYING tell me what my child needs during a fun activity! I also would not want my 6 year old being undressed by someone else. I was a dancer and people who run these shows are full of themselves in my experience. Don't ask us if you were hovering. You are the mom! Whats the deal with treating 6 year old baby girls like they are 16??? You are so much nicer than I would have been. I would have explained our needs nicely and if that was the rude, know it all response? Bye bye to my check. Please remember you know your 6 year old best and not every girl DOES need her mom close by, but lucky you that you little one still wants you near her. That does not last forever!

Sorry, I do think you're standing to close for this one.
Your daughter may surprise you and be just fine. At 6, she will see what other kids are doing and may just go right along with it.
But you'll never know if you don't give her the chance.

And if she won't let anyone else help...then deal with what happens and use it as a teaching experience.

I don't get it, can you not be one of the volunteer backstage moms?

Maybe her response was a little harsh, but it doesn't matter. Just volunteer, and then if your daughter needs you to, you can assist her at the performance.

Well, I guess I would just take the attitude that hopefully I'd be picked. But if not I'd just wait and see what happened. If I thought my daughter would balk and refuse to change/dance/participate, then so be it. I would tell my daughter I know you are shy, but this other nice woman will be helping you girls. Try to have fun and I will come check on you at intermission. I'll be watching you so give me a big smile out in the audience! Then I'd just cross my fingers. You have to let go sometime and your daughter has to practice being away from you sometime. If she does not dance, then that is sad, but a small life lesson. You both will be very disappointed I'm sure. But life goes on. Perhaps in her next dance class she will be more willing to change and participate at the end without you. ??? PS - We just went through this with my 4 year old and it went fine. I could go get her at intermission. She had a blast in the room with all the other girls actually. She did not want me to leave, but I had to...and it all went well.

I didn't read the other response, but I'm in the camp of "don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet." Your daughter might surprise you or she might not. But I think you need to stop obsessing over this. It kinda sounds like you're projecting your fear of this new situation onto your daughter. Stop it. And her dance instructor is right to roll her eyes at you. She's totally been there, done that.

I haven't read the other responses, but stop worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. My daughter was really shy and wouldn't talk to anyone when she was little. She didn't want to go to pre-school eventhough she loved playing with the kids at pick-up she did not want to stay the first year. The second year she ventured out (she was 4) and loved preschool and even learned to play with kids other than her bff. She had never said two words to her daycare providers husband in 2 years and then we got to her first Christmas program at preschool! you could hear her singing in the back of the room on key above all the other children. Had I been up there, she would have sat on my lap (she did it previously at a church program).

Your daughter will learn - its part of performing and growing up. She'll probably do better without you hovering. I understand you wanting to protect her and shelter her, but this is a part of it and I think she'll do fine.

And my painfully shy daughter is now 16 and a youth leader at church, active in National Honor Society and she plays 3 sports and has a couple solos in her spring choir concert next week. To this day, I step back from events with her b/c she will either argue with me or she'll take a step back, but she's a good leader independently of me. I never would've thought that she would be like this.

This might be the moment that you know that this is not for either of you. If your child is not into being out front and being the "star" so to speak, you might want to find another activity.

Dancing and modeling takes a specific type of person and a lot of rejection and being able to hold it together to go forward.

Spend time preparing your daughter for things in the future where you will not be there to help but will be there to watch. It is at this time that it is good to let your child fly a bit to find out who they are. We are never going to be perfect but we will learn how to survive and fight another day. You know your daughter from birth. The dance instructor knows your daughter as a future dancer. In between is the real daughter and what she can or cannot do.

I went to our local Relay for Life last Friday and they had a dance school performing. There were about 25 girls in the pre pom-pom squad (3 to 5), the pre cheer squad (5 to 9) and they were ready about 40 minutes prior to going on. They were dressed, hair done, make up on ready to go and all very quiet and still. The instructors were on the sideline helping them to remember their moves and they all did well. Their parents were in the stands and cheered them on -- I could see very few parents on the sidelines in the back just the girls dressed.

I think the owner over the years has had many moms come through her studio with the same kind of comments and has become a bit hardened to their requests. She must be successful and students are learning from her to dance or she would not be in business.

I am sorry you feel this way and that her response to your was a bit gruff. If you are not selected, just enjoy the show from the front and not worry about the back. Gramma G stated that it best that the backstage is hectic and not a place for the faint of heart.

So always think there is hope for her to become a beautiful butterfly.

the other S.

PS If you are not partaking in the actual dance lessons you are probably not a true helicopter parent. Just back off a bit and know that she will do well even if you are not there. We can't keep them in a bubble forever.

I agree with you. Not all kids are going to handle the same situation the same way. You know your daughter. She is only 6 yrs old.
When my daughter was 5 yrs old she was in a dancing recital. It was about 2 hrs back stage. I went to check on her . Although my daughter was fine. There were 3 other little girls around the same age crying hysterical. No one was comforting them. I went over and sat with them. They stopped crying in a matter of minutes. It concerned the adults that were supposed to help defintely heard but choose to do nothing.

I think this is a situation where you "hope for the best and prepare for the worst."
Good luck!

You may be over reacting. Volunteer and see if you get selected to help. I know it depends on how many Moms volunteer. If you don't get selected, give your cell phone number to one of the moms that is volunteering and ask her to call you if she needs help with your daughter or other girls. Try to prepare your daughter in advance - practice trying on her costume at home. Talk about how exciting it will be to get make up and get dressed up with all the other girls. Are you friends with any of the other mother/daughters in dance class? Try to spend some time with them outside of class so she is more familiar with others. Good luck!

My 5 y/o is on the shy side also. What I have found is that when I am around in situations like these he tends to cling to me and things are worse. When I am not there he spreads his wings and handles things like a big boy.
Your daughter may surprise you :)

If they have to limit the number of moms back stage, I guarantee, people, for whatever reason, are clamoring to get back there. That teacher has been stopped by everyone and asked for special consideration. Everyone has a story and a reason they need to help. She was probably over whelmed and snapped at you. Not the most professional reaction, but she is human.

And yes, you may be bordering on "helicopter parent", but I completely understand your motives. Your daughter may surprise you and do absolutely fine. It's funny how "group mentality" can take over. Be wary of what you say in front of her. You don't want to unintentionally set her up to fail. Be positive and focus and the fact that she CAN do this. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our kids is a gentle push out of their comfort zone.

You have time to prepare your daughter for the idea that someone else will be helping her. And if it all goes awry...it may be time to consider a ballet class that is more suited for your daughter. One that doesn't do recitals or one that doesn't require costume changes (I too, have never heard of that for six year olds).

Good luck mama!

B., you might be surprised.

My son is very modest, VERY modest (unless he's being silly and showing mom and dad his butt, but that's another story).... and when he went to his first Judo class, the sensei took him into the dressing room to have him change into a borrowed gi (martial arts uniform). NO problems. Because of the --I am sure-- professional manner in which the adult behaved, when I asked my son later if he was okay using the dressing room with the guys, he said yes.

For what it's worth, one of my young friends is in high school,doing theater. She said nearly the same thing about the middle school production her group was assigned to produce... that the middle schoolers were somewhat modest and embarrassed about she and a few other young people being 'dressers' for the actors, but that it's essential to get used to it if you want to continue in dramatic arts/ballet, etc.

I'd say, instead of deciding that she is going to be upset, give her the opportunity to rise to the occasion. If you--and others--- treat this as a matter-of-fact thing, with all the other little girls getting dressed, etc., it will probably go over pretty well. If you are overtalking it, trying to 'prepare' her for the 'upsetting' situation, there are more chances she will go into this with more anxiety than she might otherwise have had on her own. If she brings it up, I'd be pretty nonchalant about it. "Oh, well, this is what everyone does"... and not to be rude, but if she does choose to not participate... this might be very informative for her too. She might learn that missing out on the whole of something because we were fearful about one very small part of it-- maybe it's worth it to push ourselves outside our usual comfort level because we want what the bigger picture has to offer-- a chance to perform.

Breathe deeply, B.. Let this sort itself out.

My son is shy, there have been times when he's had to do things and I've thought to myself, "there's no way he's going to do that"...and then he surprises me and does a great job! Each time it's a reminder to me that he is capable!

One thing that helps is if I tell him what's going to happen ahead of time, so it's not a surprise when he suddenly has to go off somewhere with out me. And I stay extremely positive about the whole thing, even though I'm worried inside.

If you don't get picked, have a conversation with some of the other moms who did about your concern about her possibly not going out. I would think they would come get you if it really wasn't working out. I'll bet once she see's all the other kids in her class doing it she'll follow along.

I see nothing wrong with you reminding the teacher that your daughter is one of the more shy ones who could benefit having her mom backstage. Especially if it's her first show. Those are the moms who should be back there. Although, you have to remember, your job is to help all the girls in your group be prepared and comfortable and relaxed, not just your own. So if your daughter will require ALL your attention while your back there, then it's probably better you aren't.

Hopefully you get picked, but if you don't rest assured your daughter will be fine, the other moms will take care of her and she'll fall in line just like she does in school. She is 6, not 4. And obviously her teacher has faith in her ;)

I have yet to see a ballet performance from the audience since my daughter started 4 years ago. Being a backstage mom must not be as popular at my studio! I initially started for the same reasons you want to when my daughter was a shy 3 year old, and then I just kept doing it. We have the Spring performance in a few weeks and I'll be backstage again, it's my 4 y/o's first one. I have to say I have never seen a 6 year old chicken out. A 3 year old, yes. But never a 6 year old.

I didn't read the other responses so I apologies if I'm repeating myself. My daughter (5) was in a recital last year. I wasn't aware until the day of the recital that I wasn't allowed back stage with her. She is also shy and wasn't really close to any of the girls in her dance class. I was worried about the same thing you are but you know what...she did fine! As I'm sure you're daughter will. I just wouldn't make a big deal of it in front of her. Just give her a bag with some crayons, coloring book or other things she might like to keep her entertained during the wait times. And have her practice getting dressed by herself - maybe that would help.
Good luck and try not to worry.

I understand your worries, but I've been there and she will more than likely be okay. My daughter has always been shy and clingy even to the point that at almost 10 now, she still has trouble getting through a sleepover at times. Her dance studio has a similar policy to avoid confusion and to make sure they don't lose any kids! Her first dance recital was when she was almost four. She got a bit sad when I left - there may have been tears - and she cried again when I picked her up because "I took too long". But she was fine in between that and had a lot of fun!

Does she have more than one costume or can she show up wearing her outfit? If she has trouble changing, can you help her practice putting the outfits on before recital day? Will she be okay if she only needs help with a fastening or two and putting on accessories?

Honestly, I think she'll be okay.

Give your daughter some credit - I bet she will do just fine. Talk up the show, the fun she will have backstage, and let her go. She will do just fine and do great on stage. If after a whole year of dance you think she won't, then I can assure you this is not the activity for her.

My daughter is performing in her 8th recital in June, she will be 11 the same day. She has been competing for 5 years. There are times where I can't be where she is. Either there isn't room, she wants to do it, backstage, whatever. I have to trust that my kid is grown up enough and mature enough to do what she needs to do, yes...even when she was 6. At 6, she had 3 costume changes and was competing.

Too many moms backstage will cause complete chaos. As a long-time dance mom, I also prefer to stay up front and sell food, help with tickets, watch the show, whatever. I don't enjoy being backstage. And for me, I always thought that I paid for and supported a year of dance, I wanted to see my daughter perform. Make a big deal about getting to watch your daughter on stage and she'll do great, knowing you are out there cheering her on.

My first question - how many costume changes are there for a 6 yr old? I've never heard of this before - usually the little ones have one dance - one costume. Maybe the ballet school is over the top? (that's for future consideration - and doesn't really address your current issue - sorry abouat that)

First - remind yourself that a ballet recital for your 6 yr old will only be a blip on her screen of life. It IS a big thing now so you should communicate with your daughter and let her know what to expect. If you make it a big deal, it will be a big deal to her. If the worse happens and she doesn't want to change for her second dance it's no big deal. Make sure she understand that. Sure you paid a $ zillion for the outfit but it's not worth the anguish she'll have to deal with if she's terrified to go out there.

Second, if you're not picked as a backstage mom (& I'm willing to bet that you won't be based on the teacher's snarky response) prepare your daughter for another mom being her helper. You can help her practice changing outfits herself if that would make her feel better - and show her what the other mom would have to help her with (getting straps up, headpiece, etc.)

My daughter would have felt the same way, and I would have felt the same reaction from the dance studio owner. But ultimately - you have to deal with whatever comes up.

There are a number of dance studios in my town. One of them did not believe in recitals - believing that they only teach to a specific routine and don't teach proper technique. Instead they had an end of the year "show" in a rented school auditorium. There was no cost for outfits or tickets. All of the outfits were from their closet of costumes. They did do a few classic ballet shows twice a year (Nutcracker, Swan Lake, etc) based on tryouts. But for the little girls there was none of this recital stuff where you're forced to spend hundreds on outfits and tickets. Then there were the recital dance studios. My daughter went to the first ballet school - and we were pleased.

Finally - in response to the teacher's comment about "well she's got to learn" - well - no she doesnt' really have to. My son hated being on stage so when it came to school and sunday school shows he begged me to allow him to decline. So we didn't make him. What would that have proved? You're the mom you get to make the decision.

I'd say take it as it comes. Don't assume that your daughter will freeze up around the other moms and close herself off. I would think that the teacher knows what she is doing in selecting these moms as volunteers, and I am sure the teacher and the moms will make her feel comfortable and relaxed.

It seems your daughter trusts her teacher, so if the moms aren't comforting and friendly enough with her, then I am sure the teacher will step in and take over. If she isn't warming up to the other moms, I would think that the teacher would backtrack and tell you that it didn't work out during their first performance and in order for her to not miss more performances, they will recruit you.

My daughter is shy and afraid of asking for things (like asking the waiter for crayons), but lately I have been encouraging her to go to adults and talk to them, without me standing next to her. I tell her I will watch from a distance and will step up if she needs me to or if the adults are mean to her. So far, she's had positive responses and when I tell her she doesn't need to be shy and look how nice those adults were to you, she agrees. It's helping her come out of her shell, and I think you owe it to your daughter to allow her to come out, or try to. I'm a helicopter parent too, but at the same time, I want her to learn to be independent.

On field trips, my daughter has asked me to come along but I can't because I work. She has acted upset and sad, pouting and expecting the field trip to be boring because she's not with me. Other moms will go and chaperone and then she comes back and says she had a blast with some girl's mom, and how the mom bought her a Gatorade and showed them some cool critters on the path, so kids can learn to get over the fact mom isn't around 100% of the time, and how other moms can also be fun, cool, and loving.

PS: Maybe you can ask the dance teacher if you can hang around near the backstage area and watch/listen to her interact with the other moms. That way, you can see if your daughter's handling things like a pro or if she needs you. If the teacher feels she's unresponsive to assistance from the other moms or herself, you'd be nearby and could step in/offer advice as to how best to approach her so she can learn to be comfortable around her friends' parents. That, or she could end up recruiting you. Good luck!

I don't think you're giving your daughter enough credit and yes, you are TRYING to be a helicopter mom. Let the instructor pick who she picks. And don't project your concerns/fear of not being back stage with your daughter on to her. Kids pick up on things very easily and if she senses that you are apprehensive about not being backstage with her, she will also be apprehensive about it and you may see your fear realized - she won't cooperate backstage and won't perform. Why? Because her mother made her afraid.

My daughter is 9 and has been dancing since she was 3. I have been backstage with her for every recital, and this is the first year that I can imagine her being able to dress herself and stay organized (maybe). There is alot that goes on backstage and I think that it would be overwhelming for a 6 year old who has not been through it before. To add on top of that, some stranger trying to help her change, I am guessing that would be very stressful. It is concerning that the owner would not try to meet your daughter's needs.
I think the best thing you can do if not chosen to be backstage is to work with your daughter before hand, making sure she knows exactly how to get in and out of costumes on her own, and that she is aware that there will be other adults there to help her, just not you. Also, once you know who the backstage parents are, maybe try to communicate with at least one person and ask them to look out for your daughter. I bet she will do fine and feel really good when she is able to do it on her own!
Definitely don't take this as a sign that dance may not be for her, as someone suggested. My daughter is also shy and reserved, but she loves dance and when she is up on stage, she is in her glory, completely unafraid. It has been great for her and her self confidence. Hope that the recital ends up being a good experience for everyone, good luck!!

First, I am assuming background checks have been run on ALL volunteers that work directly with the children - especially if they are helping children get undressed and dressed. If not, that would be the end of that event for my child.

I agree with you, at age 5, it is not unreasonable to have said what you did and have the expectation you did. If the teacher continues to have attitude, I would find another dance school.

At six, probably many of the girls haven't had strangers changing them and stuff, but if you have not let her do stuff like this yet, I predict she will go with the flow with all her little peers. Sometimes kids are only as shy and needy as we let them be. I think it's great you realize you may be the one being overprotective. The WORST thing that could happen is thats she'll melt down or refuse to change or go on stage. In that case, I'm sure someone will come get you, or she just won't perform. I'm fairly sure she will be OK though. Starting now, if she's going to be in these types of activities, she needs to roll with it. What if you stay glued to her and in three years she still won't do it without you? At some point you need to let her go do it, so now's the perfect time!

My daughter was shy at that age too. And when she was in situations like this where she had to suck it up and deal with it, she did! And I think it was good for her because she learned to handle difficult situations. If I had been there, she probably would have been a whiney, clinging mess. It was better she was on her own. Your daughter will probably surprise you and do just fine if you're not there.

Sounds like she was a bit nasty about it... One of mine is very shy but did better with this stuff than I expected at that age. I would ask her - do you want to perform even if I can't be with you backstage? See what she says. If she says no, save the money. Plenty of years for performances. If she says yes, make sure she understands but then don't worry. And maybe you will get picked. But 6 is old enough for her to be able to decide and most likely stick with it. She must be in K or 1st so is used to other adults. She might be just fine.

I believe that we all should be the parents that our children need, whatever the labels that some might try to assign. Stop it. Parent according to your child's needs.

YOU know YOUR daughter. Also, keep in mind that the owner deals with this every day, so she has seen this bring kids out of their shells. You're both right. What happens now is a bit of wait and see. If you do get selected, use that chance to help your daughter by not giving her all your attention. Show her that your job is to tend to multiple children, and let her see that it doesn't mean that she has to lose. If you do not get selected, still talk to her about what she can expect. Encourage her through the process. See how it goes. If it's too much for her, then you'll know that she's not ready.

She might surprise you, though. It's possible that she'll rise to the occasion of being a big girl if she is doing something that she loves and if she believes that she has no choice. It's not always easy to know how far to push, so do some soul-searching and start preparing her now.

Good luck.

B.,
I do understand how you feel. My youngest son was very shy and even growled at strangers when he was young. I was so scared for him to start pre-school at 4 years old. I still remember his teacher telling me after the first week of school he was participating in the activities with the kids. He was talking, doing things; this isn't my son I thought. He's very shy and would never do that already. But sometimes when the parent is not around they do build their confidence and can surprise you.
Prepare yourself and daughter right now, that you might not be chosen to be the backstage mom; however, you know her teacher will pick good moms to help your daughter out. If she sees that you are okay with it, and not mad that you weren't chosen, then she'll be more accepting of the mothers that are. And you might still get chosen, and if you do, then she needs to know, that you aren't going to be able to just be one-on-one with her.
Good luck at the recital!