Looking for Advice on My 2 1/2 Year Olds Tantrums

This is normal 2 1/2 year old behavior. That being said, there are some things you can do to cope & minimize them - probably won't eliminate them completley, but it will minimize them. I read a great book with awesome techniques in it called "Love & Logic: Practical Parenting from Birth to 6 Years." There are many Love & Logic books, but the one specifically for this age group is fantastic at giving great examples of coping techniques for exactly these kinds of situations that happen to us every day. I highly recommend it. I've tried it - and although I don't always have the patience to do it perfectly all the time, it makes a HUGE difference when I do. Good luck!

I'm sorry. That is no fun. I had a German friend tell me her story one time and I LOVE IT! I hope I have the guts one day to do it!

She was in Kmart with her son and he started throwing a tantrum, and was down on the ground kicking and screaming and wouldn't stop. So, she got on the ground and started kicking and screaming too! After a minute he got up and asked her to stop and said, "Mom you're embarrassing me!" So she got up and they were fine. Next time he started throwing a tantrum in the store she would say, "I can do that too remember?!" and he never threw a tantrum again! Gutsy lady. But it only took her one time, and like she ever saw any of those people again, so does it really matter? let me know if you try it out!! ;D

Wow, sounds like you've got a full-blown 2 1/2 year old on your hands :) I just had a similar incident in the grocery store yesterday. My daughter decided to lay on the floor and scream. So I told her she lost the privilege of the snack she picked out, which I knew would throw her into further fits. Then I calmly told her if you choose to act out, Mommy is going to have to carry you, which she hates. So she tested and I carried her. All the way to the register to which the cashier said, oh is your little girl feeling sick, to which I responded Oh no she's feeling just fine ;)

I use love and logic too, but I also try to reflect on the situation to see if I could have created a better situation. I know I shouldn't have taken her to the grocery store right after daycare, she usually has trouble with that. Also, it's hard to do but love and logic says to try to figure what they really don't like in the situation and use that (like me carrying her and loss of snack). I have quite a stubborn little one too, but these techniques seem to work. Once calmed down I talk about poor choices and the consequences associated with them. She kept asking for snack all the way home I told her you could have had a yummy snack but chose to throw a tantrum at the store and that's so sad.

Hope this helps. Let me tell you, the people around you are probably feeling more sympathy for you than you think. I know I do when I see a mom with a child in that state.

Hi M.,

I do agree that Love and Logic is a great parenting philosophy to follow. But I also have a very simple suggestion.

Often, when we know a tantrum is eminent, we just cringe and hope for the best, stating the obvious- saying we can't see the movie again and let's go.

I think one of the simplest things to do is to acknowledge what it is that your child wants, almost parroting it back to him.

So for example at the movie, when he says "I want to see it again", instead of just saying no we can't, you could say "you really liked that movie, didn't you?" "what was your favorite part?" This gets him on the raod to distraction. You could then go into "Do you remember the poster in the lobby witht the picture of -whatever character he likes- on it?" "Will you point it out to me", "and do you think you could draw a picture of him?". Things like that. You are first and foremost letting him know that you understand he loved the movie so much he wants to see it again. You are also distracting him by pointing out other ways to stay connected to the thing he likes.

It takes practice, and patience, and a little extra time to leave or whatever. And if he's in the habit of tantrums, it does take time to break that. But keep the faith, it can get better.

Good luck!

The book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so kids Will Talk" saved my sanity, and probably my kids' lives. ;) You could find it at your public library or cheap online. It is definitely worth owning and referring back to. It's not any kind of discipline "system," just techniques for better communication that honestly help avoid and diffuse tantrums. I recommend it very highly.
I have also found "The Discipline Book" by Sears and Sears and "Adventures in Gentle Dicipline" by Hilary Flowers very useful and wonderful, too, but if I had to choose just one it would be "How to Talk. . ." every time, for every age, forever. That book made it so I can both prevent a tantrum AND enjoy being with my children. It's not just about not giving in, which can set up an adversarial relationship between you and your child. There are very few things to remember and almost no mental gymnastics, which means I can remember the things I learned from this book long enough to apply them consistently. If I had your address I'd send you a copy, that's how much I relate to your situation and think you'd like this book--how's that for a sales pitch?

My son's preschool teacher, who is very wise and experienced and has an amazing relationship with every child in her class, told me parent-child conflicts can almost always be traced to a legitimate need that needs to be met (child is hungry, tired, needs attention) or occasionally a developmental stage that you can learn to put up with until it passes. Cheery distraction and wholesome food work wonders for everyone and keeps tension from escalating.
Best wishes!

I doubt anyone thought you were stealing him, most of us all know what tantrums look like and for your son's age they are very normal. The biggest and best thing you can do is not give in, EVER! To be firm, consistent and remove him as you did. When you get home you need to put him in the corner immediately explaining he now cannot go to the movies again until he can act right...and mean it!
He has little ability at this age to express how he feels and you can talk to him when he calms down and say "you know I know you wanted to see that movie again, however you do not act like that and we had to leave". "maybe if it comes out on DVD we can see it again" and leave it at that.
Allow him to be heard, however do not give in to the fits.
He will get angry, it is normal. He isn't getting what he wants and just removing him from the situation and when he calms down explaining why he had to leave is the best method.
My kids never threw huge fits in public, but when they did I ignored them and went about my business. What you all did was perfect.
I taught my kids early on that wherever we are there is a time out! Period. I left my daughter at about 3 sitting on the floor at the grocery store by the yogurt as I shopped very close by and told her she wasn't to move as she was in time out for pitching a fit about a cookie. She cried, served her time and then moved forward with my shopping. She did this like four times out in public, the park, the mall and at a friends house. The same rule, there is time out no matter where we are and until you can calm down you will sit in time out! Finally it clicked! I did the same with my son. Allowing them to realize you have zero tolerance no matter where you are and there will be consequences it will click with your son and he will lessen the fits in public.
Don't worry what others think. Bottom line is you knew what you were doing and most everyone else probably did to.
You give him a choice to leave by himself, or you will physically remove him!
The other day my son pushed my daughter at a jumping castle, I removed him and set him in time out. He screamed, cried and I whispered to him that nobody around him wanted to hear his fit, he looked around and calmed down after a minute. He had to sit there for four minutes and not play.
Another mom came up and actually praised me for sticking to my guns and not allowing his fit to embarass me enough to cave in! :) Hang in there, it will pass.

Great advice here, we all go through it (or most of us do). DON"T LET YOURSELF GET FRUSTRATED though. It gives him much more power. I always did the prep talk prior to any shopping etc. "If you climb around in the shopping cart instead of staying in your seat, mommy will take you out of the cart and you won't be allowed to sit in it again", or "If you throw a tantrum in the store, we will leave the store and have a time out in the car, and then we will have to go back in the store and start all over again". Oh, and at home, when you have a good moment, teach him other ways to handle his frustration. Do a role play, model acceptable behavior for when he is mad. I used to stomp my foot and say "I don't like this!" and show them a more acceptable way to behave when they are mad. Keep up the good work! And don't don't don't give in even a little (my boy worked me over good, and I realized that I would often compromize after he'd begged, so he would beg beg beg beg beg!. Even a compromize can be worth all the effort it takes them!)

Society doesnt live 24/7 with your child.You need to control or remove him from the situation. I have 4 kids.
My oldest(17 now) was out of control and I either gave in
or tried to ignore it. She has been physically attacking me(since she was 9) when she doesnt get her way and now I have to get police intervention to get her off me and my other kids, She is medicated and has been through numerous programs all to no avail.Now my youngest (4) is going through what your son does.She has been diagnosed with PDD
which is on the autism spectrum.Please dont think I am saying that it sounds like your son could be autistic.
I am saying that even with my youngest daughters diagnosis,
when we go somewhere ,I get down eye level with her and tell her that we are (example) going to the movie and when it is over we are leaving right after and if she is naughty during the movie, her and I will have to leave,or if there is a fit afterwards,she goes to time out. Believe me.
There was alot of times I followed through and we left.Yes, there was a major tantrum ,even with the other two.She is now able to go places and behave even when she doesnt get her way.When she starts to be naughty, I get eye level with her and remind her what I told her. The point is say what you mean, mean what you say . Dont be afraid of picking up your son and showing him you are the parent and dont talk while he is in a mood because they are so loud they dont hear. You will be doing society a favor by getting control of the situation while you can and not be like me and knowing that an unstable child will be out there soon. I have beat myself up for not getting control of my daughter when she was young and now her future could be rough for her because I was worried what other people thought.

That was you?

Just kidding : )

My son is 2 1/2 and this sounds just like him. I'm sure your son is perfectly normal and healthy - I am definitely in tune with how hard it is to deal with.

I've experienced the same thing when a TV show is over and he wants to watch it again - they get so used to having a DVD or DVR, they don't understand that over is over. Even Teletubbies teaches them "again! again!" (being forced to sit through commercials is torture)

Try not to be embarrassed or think about what others think. Just get him out quick and try to distract him with a little tickle or a little treat. 95% of the moms in the theater were most likely thinking - "OOh, I remember those days!" I know it's disappointing to have fun doing something and then it's spoiled at the end by him having a tantrum.

Just today, my son had a tantrum at the grocery store because I wouldnt buy him a donut. So here I am, waiting in line in the pharmacy with a screaming child and it felt like forever. (btw - he was too tired for the tickle method to work) The old people gave the dirtiest looks but I just had to ignore them - I couldnt do a thing about it except buy him a donut and I wasnt about to give in to that. He quieted down when I was at the counter - probably because I wasnt paying attention to him. He tried to start up again when I turned toward the cart but it had blown over by then.

Tantrums cant be completely ignored but it's no use trying to reason with them or control it. At home, I just reassure him or ask him to use his words. If he is intolerable, um... I mean inconsolable, I just say something like, "I guess you just need some time to work it out." Then I find something else to do close by and listen for the break in the crying. Its then that I can go in a hug him and talk and reassure him.

M., I'm sure you are a great mom and your son is a great kid. Times like this pass quickly - especially when they learn that they cant control you with their tantrums.

best of all things to you,

C.

M.-mommy, we are all there at least once :)
My 2.5 yr old daughter threw a massive tantrum when it was time to leave the water park. The full gambit, thrashing, screaming, flailing FIT. I was MORTIFIED, really angry, completely embarrassed...we barely made it out alive together. I called my husband afterward, distraught, crying, 'cause THIS IS A HARD JOB!

What I've learned so far, keeping my cool, though really difficult, is paramount. If she sees that it's getting to me it only escalates. Also, if I engage her too much trying to calm her, solve whatever the problem is, etc. it also only escalates. The best, the simplest solution is just to leave wherever we are, wrestle child into carseat, start the car---all while speaking in normal voice explaining in simple terms over and over what's happening, why we're leaving. THEN give myself some time before I get into the car, stand just outside, look at the mountains, take deep breaths, repeat, "This too shall pass".

And I always keep snacks in the car for these situations, usually mine is hungry or tired when she gets like that. Sometimes though it's just over-stimulation, and she doesn't know how to stop, it's my job to draw that boundary and stick to it.
Yes, it's a 2-3 year old thing, as far as I've read. :)
GOOD JOB MOMMIN'!
A.

i think that you did the right thing. as embarrassing as it is. girls are more understanding than boys. my boys are 7 and 4 and church is a n issue. the four year old likes to push my buttons and so we go to the bathroom and i give him a stern talking to to let him know that what he is doing is not ok. it is up to you to stay consistant and remain calm. Deb's advice has a lot of great advice. if the tantrum is at home i would totally ignore him and then when he decides he is done then that is when you take action and follow through with the consequence. if he seems to do it only when you go out. , don't take him out. make it a big deal that siste gets to go to the store with you because she is a big girl and doesn't throw fits.
it is just the begining for the manipulation for him but i think you are on the right track.
good luck and god bless

It is so frustrating when children throw temper tantrums. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy who throws the most spectacular tantrums you have ever seen. It's embarrassing, I know. I have found that when I set up his expectations things so much smoother. That means I give him a timeline for every activity that we do. For example: Today we're going to see a movie. When the movie is over we're going to go home to play while Mommy makes dinner.

I usually have to repeat the plan several times so he remembers. But so far it's worked.

My son was like that . He had ADDH. That doesn't mean yours does, though. I would try to reason with him as much as possible before the behavior starts. Take him to the same movie again, explain to him that each time you see the movie you have to pay, and that they won't let people stay and watch it again. That might work. Or, you could take him to a new movie and explain ahead of time that they won't let you stay because you have to pay for it. Ofcourse, at 2 1/2 he may just figure you can go out to the lobby and buy more tickets. that's when you explain that you can't/won't pay to see it again. You could even tell him you will buy it when it comes out on DVD.Raising kids is hard! Keeping one step ahead of them is sometimes impossible, but worth a try!

Oh, aren't those public tantrums so embarrassing? I haven't tried movie theaters with my 2-yo twins yet, but grocery shopping can sure be a nightmare! Luckily they don't throw fits about candy, etc. but it's usually them leaning on each other or grabbing each other in the cart. I've tried letting one or both of them walk by the cart, but they still run away too much for me to feel safe that way. There have been a couple times I have checked out with only 3 things off the shopping list and carried my son - even both kids a couple times - literally kicking and screaming out of the store. I'm sure I attract a few stares, but less than if I were to continue shopping while they were screaming. I know every child is different, but I ignore the tantrums as much as possible and that seems to end them pretty quickly. I also tell them I don't want to hear the tantrum and so they need to do it in their bedroom; that works pretty well because they don't like to be alone. As far as what I've seen from nieces/nephews and friends, this is just a 2-year old thing and will pass. Good luck, I completely understand how embarrassing it is!

I have a three year old and an almost 2 year old so fits are very very common in our daily routine! ugh! I've found that removing them from the situation works really well. In some cases, making them wait until the fit is over to continue works too. For instance we were at Walmart the other day and my 3 year old threw a fit because I wouldn't carry her threw the store. So because she was putting her arms up and trying to climb up my legs, I put her in the cart- well that sent her into quite a tizzy! So after all the warnings of "we don't throw fits" I finally stopped the cart and stood in the isle until she was done throwing the fit. It was quite embarassing to me but I knew I had to make sure she understood that she was not going to get anything with behavior like that. So finally once she calmed down and realized I wasn't giving in, she forgot why she was freaking out in the first place. So I gave her a hug and told her if she could behave I would let her get down and walk. So she agreed and off we went. If at all possible the best thing I've found is to try to change their focus. She started pitching a fit because I wouldn't carry her and by the end of it, she was glad she was walking. I know it's hard and embarassing but just realize you are not alone and most good hearted mommies understand and sympathize with you. I have given in a few times because of embarassment but it never works out, things usually get worse and I'll end up dealing with it again any way. If you stick to your guns and deal with each fit accordingly you'll find they'll start to happen less. Best wishes!

My daughter did the same thing at McDonald's Playland. Twice -- once AFTER we'd told her if she had a tantrum there again we'd never be able to go back.

We never went back. She begged. But the answer was no. Then we'd be at the park or wherever and start throwing a tantrum we'd say "oh oh, is this going to be like McDonalds? If you stop right now, we can come back a different time." She always stopped.

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I've noticed that especially in boys, they have more tantrums because they feel like they have no control over their lives. Give him choices. Let him pick his cereal or his shirt or his shoes.

Acknowledge how he feels. "oooh, was it really fun playing at the park?" "i had lots of fun, too."

ask, "do you need a hug?"
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also, my daughter did really well if we said "we're leaving in 10 minutes." and then did.

If we said that to my son, he thought we were leaving right when we said it. So, we'd have to whisper the warning to my daughter....and not tell our son til it was time to go.

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with my daughter, she'd ALWAYS argue about the why. why do we have to go? why can't i have more ice cream?....so we stopped telling her why.

I'm not sure if this will help alleviate your embarrassment but children are rarely, if ever, taken by force. Nearly all accounts of children disappearing have the parents saying, "he was there one minute and gone the next." Luring and coaxing are the easiest way to abduct children, it quiet and doesn't call attention to what someone is doing.

A child that is screaming and throwing a fit is almost always with a parent because kids LOVE to reserve that behaviour for the ones they are closest to.

To help: lay out expectations first...here is what we are doing and here is how I expect you to behave, in very simple, concise terms. When he throws a fit, ignore him totally and completely. No placating, no explanations, no pleading, nothing. Turn your back and reinforce the idea that tantrums are inappropriate. (if you need to remove him from where he is, fine, carry him to the car, his room, outside, whatever, put him down where he can't hurt himself and then ignore him. As you're carrying him say it once that tantrums are NOT OK and when he feels like being a big kid you'll talk to him, meanwhile throw the fit and you IGNORE him). Keep explanations to three or four words and don't hand the power to him. When you placate, plead, show signs of embarrassment you've given him the power. HE is the one that should be embarrassed, hence ignore him and let people make comments about his behaviour. He'll get the idea.

And yes, its very much a toddler thing. :-)

I think you did the right thing in just taking him out of the theatre and not trying to talk him down. What I did with my son was to ignore him as soon as he started throwing a fit. I would literally walk away from him the moment he started. As soon as he realized he wasn't getting any attention by throwing a tantrum he would stop. Eventually he totally stopped doing it. It works well for whining too. I just tell them I can't hear whining and to ask me in a nicer voice. GL

Totally normal.

I had one child whose fits were this extreme. It lasted for two full years. Keep in mind that the child is not a little adult, but a tiny child, with so much yet to learn. When his tantrum peaks and starts to diminish, hug him, pet him, and tell him "it's so difficult being two" and other soothing phrases.

Always remember that he's not doing this to annoy you, he's doing this because he's distressed. He will outgrow it.

It sounds like you have a strong willed little dude on your hands! Kids are amazing with their personality differences! We use love and logic, they have books and seminars etc. You can get the books from the library! I know how hard this can be, you are ok mom!