Hello all. I would like to find out how to deal with my 5 1/2 year old. First of all, I share custody of him with his father. His father is primary, but I have him this week because it's spring break. He has been saying some pretty hurtful things to me and I don't think he means them to be hurtful, but I get pretty upset about them. For instance, today, I told him we were going to go through his toys and see what we can give away and what he wants to keep. He said all of them, because they aren't fun toys. That really upset me and I didn't really know how to deal with it. I told him that really hurt my feelings, there was a lot of money spent on those toys. He's always bringing up everything that has to do with his father and his family. I know he spends the majority of his time with them but I tell you, I get SO tired of hearing everything about them. An example of this is I told him his cousin was turning one and his aunt was pregnant again and having another boy. So, I said, in our family, there are only boys, you, your brother, your cousin and his soon to be brother. So he starts going on about his other family. He did that when I told him my birthday was coming, he said, "well, my grandma's birthday was last week and my aunts birthday too." I don't care! I just want to be able to talk about my family and for him to realize he has a whole other family besides his dad's. It's just frustrating and he's said other hurtful things to me and I just don't know how to deal with it. We try our hardest, but we don't have a lot of money, I feel as though he gets a lot from us, but apparently not nearly what he gets from his dad and family. Any advice?
I myself would have a talk with his father and see what is going on. Maybe he can start talking about your family as well as his, if he isn't doing that already.
With my son, I try to bring up his fathers side of the family, like if he goes to his fathers for a holiday, I ask my son if he thinks he will see so-and-so. Thy need to know that there is another side to the family. Not just one sided.
As hard as it is to hear all these things. This is your son's life, and he seems to be wanting to share it with you. As long as his father has primary care of him, you are going to have to except that they are his primary life. It doesn't sound like he means to hurt you by saying these things. He is just a kid, and he's trying to relate to you. If you talk about something, he want's to compare it to something else, that he has experienced. A means to impress you, actually. The best way to make him realize that he has a whole other family is just to spend time with him and your family together. You can't buy love with money anyway, don't worry about that. Maybe you could have him bring some of his stuff to your house, if his father would permit. You could also find some things that interests him more than anything money could buy. Take him outside exploring. Read to him, paint with him, fly a kite, board games, think of some other things he may enjoy, and spend some quality time. Life is too short to worry about what the other family is doing.
Hello.I feel as if your son is a little upset because you have a new baby and your 5 1/2 year old feels left out of your life because of liveing with his dad.In time he will understand that you do love him the same and just because he lives with his dad and not you that you are there for him.I feel you should talk to your son father and ask him why he says those things because (its sad but true)sometimes they learn what they hear or what they are told!I feel you are a loveing and careing mother who is doing her best!Life is hard but I kind of feel he is also being told or hearing things that he shouldn't be!!!!!Its great that he does have two familys that love him alot and maybe he see's the other family more but that souldn't matter.Maybe his dad should talk to him about how much your family is there for him and love him to but I still feel he is hearing or being told things!!!!!No kid wants to get rid of there toys and thats what makes me think something is being said to him please put your foot down and talk to his dad and new wife(girlfriend)because if it is true it will get worse or talk to your son about why he feels that way and if he says my dad said or his wife said then you no and you will have to do what is best and that would be say something to the dad and if it dont stop I would say go to court because you dont want to lose your son in the long run. when he hits the right age he will understand you are there for him and you do love him alot!!!!!GOOD LUCK.
Hi L., My son is 6, and I am married. I feel this way with my son at times. Daddy is the fun one, and the discpline, structure, and manners are really pushed by me. So, I am the ruiner of fun at times. It is hard to be 100% with your spouse or the father of your children. I have yet to master that in my home. What I am trying to say is that it isn't that your child dislikes you or is trying to be hurtful, it sounds more of an issue with the father and his side of the family. I don't know the details, and I am not about to pry...point is...you need to have an adult talk with the father about your concerns and come to a resolution. At almost six your son has a good idea of what is going on with the two or you, and he is probably listening even when you think he isn't. Try not to take it out on him, listen to him talk, and ask him what he would like to do with you when you time together, when the weather gets better plan picnics and days at the park where members of your family can get together so that he can build memories with both sides of the family. Maybe make a photo album for him to take with him to his dad's so he can look at it and maybe tell his other grandma about his mom's side of the family. Even suggest to put one together for the other side, so he can do the same when he is with you.
Hang in there!
Hi L.,
I just wanted to respond to you to let you know you are most definitely not alone! I know how hard it is to hear some of those things. I can tell you this, I am still in the process of divorcing my children's father and I am their primary, however, they do the same things your son is doing. I can't talk about birthdays or plan parties or anything without hearing about Nana, Grampa, Daddy and so on. It can be soooo frustrating and there are moments that I just want to say "I don't care!" but I think that would just make it harder for them (mainly my daughter, she's 4, my son is almost 3 but isn't as obsessed with his other family-perhaps because he doesn't get to spend as much time with them, i don't know.) I've gotten into the habit of trying to at least sound truly interested in what they are trying to tell me about the other family and continuing my conversation without letting the focus move entirely to the other family. I figure if I don't show my frustration and just let most of it roll right off me then maybe they will grow up feeling lucky that their mom was so cool about their situation. It does get hard when it feels like they don't appreciate the things you get them or the money spent, but luckily I have a good support network around me to remind me that the quality of time we spend is going to be so important in the end. I'm sure as my children get older I'll continue to experience some of the things you are describing. I don't think any bit of divorced parenting is easy that's for sure!
We all grow up remembering a few random cool toys we had, but more importantly we hold on to the way people care and how they make us feel and ultimately I think we recognize the time and effort put into helping us grow...so as hard as it is to hear about "the others" (as we've termed them in my family, lol), it's definitely good that he feels comfortable mentioning them to you.
I know for me, I'll never know what their little minds are being filled with and I just hope for the best. And when they slip up and say something hurtful I let them know. Something I've recognized from my children occasionally is what seems like an issue of loyalty. (I'm not sure if you've seen it that way from your son?) I can tell in the way they act when they come back from spending time with the others and I usually give them some space to adjust and then explain to them (at times when they are hurtful and need to be reminded) that they can love everybody and that they are lucky to have so many people that love them.
I know we are experiencing things from different angles, but it's funny how you get the same thing on both sides isn't it? He may even act differently when he goes back with his dad after having had time to hang out with mom. Try not to stress too much. Just keep being the best mom you can be and he'll recognize the effort when it truly matters!
Divorce is hard on everyone, especially children. He is pretty young and spends the majority of his time with his father's side of the family so it isn't surprising he talks about them alot. What is important to remember is that this isn't a competition for the child's favor. He can love both of you and your families. Let him talk about his Dad's folks, then start making good memories with him that include your family, take pictures and make a special album all about him. Let him know how much everyone thinks about him when he can't be with them and how much he is loved. You can do this without making it a "who spends more" competition. Fun can be found in simple activites that don't cost much of anything but your time and attention.
If he claims his toys are not fun tell him that it is ok for him to give them all away and that you can go shop together for one or two toys that he would like to play with. I would guess that the old toys would suddenly become interesting again.
You can focus your energy on how to snuff out his talking about the ex-laws or on how to make the best use of the time you have together. You are his Mom and he needs you to help him feel wanted, loved and secure in his place in the family.. the entire family.
I think you have to look at it as a 5 year old who has a very large family. Just as you want to tell him about your family, he is trying to relate by telling you what he knows. I am sure he does not do it to hurt you... he is 5. Maybe you should talk to his father about making sure that there are always things in his room at least to remind him of your family as well, pictures, videos, a book about multiple families. No matter how you two feel about each other, your son connects you and the way you talk about each other and each others family is the way your son will be able to more easily go between family to family. There are many different types of family, but having a child together makes everyone involved ONE family. It shouldn't be about how much STUFF each gives, but the love and sharing that you give. Try not to take it as a personal attack, I know you probably can't wait for the moments you spend with your son, but you also have to allow for a bit of adjustment on his part to going form house to house. Good luck.
