Am I Just Being Paranoid or Should I Be Worried?

Talk to him and ask him to include you in their activities. That you want to be friends with her too. That makes it much harder to do something inappropriate and it makes you a friend to her too. If he's telling her he's not happy and stuff then she'll see for herself.

If you want to be friends with her too that is. I don't know when he'd have time to cheat if he's at work then at home. Even if he's sitting in the car visiting with her. He's not out somewhere having sex, right? Maybe they are good friends. I have had my best and closest friendships with guys. A few female friends but for the most part it's been guys. I didn't ever cheat on my husband or boyfriends in the past. I had my friends and I didn't look at them that way.

It seems mamas are divided on this. For me, I could not handle it.

I have no idea why a certain mama here is screaming at you and calling you irrational. None of us, including her, knows if this is innocent or not.....

K.,

I agree with the other responses and to answer your question; yes you should be worried, because any woman going through a divorce that uses not only another woman's husband to get over it, but her employee is not thinking right.

You don't need to change your perspective, your his wife. He needs to change his perspective and understand that your feelings are more important than anyone outside of your relationship.

If your husband is telling you that he will not end an "innocent" friendship than he is just as far gone as the woman is; she is going through a divorce, if anyone should understand that this relationship is inappropriate and causing confusion its her.

One of the things we do as woman is ignore the obvious, don't ignore your feelings. Trust how you feel and seek therapy. Let him know that if he doesn't' understand how you feel, than you guys need to get an uninterested third party involved that can HELP YOU BOTH understand how this outside relationship is affecting your marriage.

I love what "B" said, if you've already tried to get him to go to therapy than use the upper hand that you have as a wife and create a life that is TOO BUSY for outside relationships.

How is his relationship with you?

I agree that this is sounds like a very unusually intimate relationship, and that generally that can be a little dangerous between a man and woman. However, I think at this point you should wait to see what their relationship is like now that they are working separately.

If he starts having an affair with her, there will be signs. He will be absent for periods of time that don't make sense. There will be little changes in his appearance or the way he does things.

But at this point I think you should take him at his word, and try to look at it from his perspective. Maybe your husband is just a really friendly, helpful guy in general. Meanwhile, I hope he is also very attentive to you, and spends lots of quality time with you. Because if he is giving her more than he's giving you, friend or not, that's not right.

Ultimately, you may need a counselor to resolve this. Your husband has no right to completely dismiss your feelings, because most women would not put up with any of this. Keep us posted.

Girlfriend - you either trust your husband or you don't. It's really that simple.

WHY are you jealous?
WHY are you looking for trouble??

My boss and I? We call him my "work husband" - we talk A LOT. We're VERY close. However NOTHING inappropriate has EVER happened. My husband and I have been married 19 years this year. We've been through a LOT together. This is NOT one of those things. Was he upset at first? Not really. He knows ME.

To be honest....those that are worried about a spouse having an affair is the one with the guilty conscience.

Your husband is TALKING WITH YOU about these things. He is NOT hiding. Fine. Some can say it's an "open secret" but really? You are looking for trouble. Why is that? Why are you doubting?? Do you trust your husband or not??

If you think something's wrong? Why not get together with them?

Personally? I think you are being irrational.

She's been friendly with you.
So you might be being a bit paranoid.
The thing is - if she's hanging out with a married friend - who happens to be your husband - she's not meeting other guys.
As a kindness - your husband needs to back off/out - and you (and he) can try matching her up with any single guy friends you know.
You get to know your husbands schedule, you talk to her, and sometimes it's "Oh, John is doing a father son thing right now so he can't help you but I know this friend Bob who might be able to help move your couch. Can I give him your number? Or here is his number - you give him a call!!" - and KEEP DOING that.
You and Hubby and child get busy with the family activity weekends - one year we hit every county fair in a 3 county area and firehouse open house, and zoo and aquarium all summer long - lots of day trips and so many pictures! Of you, Hubby and baby having great family times together!

Honestly, he sounds like a good man but I would be uncomfortable with it. Sounds like a bit much to become such close friends for him to hang out in the driveway and talk and text after work, etc. Doing a couple of favors isn't a big deal, but in this situation it sounds overboard to me. She's dependent on him, he's giving too much. Does she not have any other friends that can help her?

Every relationship is different so you guys have to decide your boundaries and what's acceptable. For us? It'd be too much energy to focus on another person in that capacity outside of our relationship.

I wouldn't be okay with this and would have shut it down a long time ago. A raise, a new job, both great things. But what good are they to you if your marriage falls apart because of this?

Well, I have a very good friend who is male. So I do think a man and a woman can be friends, and just friends with no threat to spouses. What makes it work is that I want my husband to be comfortable with my friends - male or female. If I meet my male friend for happy hour, I always invite my husband to join us - sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn't - but he's always invited. Why wouldn't he be invited? My friend and I have nothing to hide.

So, if I were you, I would have a conversation from this perspective: I can see that she needs friends. It's a hard time for her. Let me be one of her friends too. The two of you can help her together. If she needs a ride to get her car fixed, you could take her. If she wants to go to dinner with friends, you can both go.

Hopefully, if this happens, you'll get more comfortable with the situation when you see that they have nothing to hide. Then you can go with them sometimes, but not every time. On the other hand, if he insists that only he can be her friend, that you are not welcome to join them anytime, anywhere, then that is a big red flag, in my opinion.

It is hard to tell what is going on, but it sounds like she's just wanting someone to talk to and help her with favors (like getting her car serviced). Perhaps she has no family or friends/co-workers she can rely on for things like this. It doesn't seem like he is spending time outside of the home with her. He is picking her up at the dealership and taking her to work because it is convenient, and cheaper than her calling a cab back and forth. Whenever he has checked on her apartment, it's when she has been out of town, so I don't think anything unusual is going on.

We have a female employee here who checks on her married male boss's apartment, waters plants, picks him up from the airport in a rental, etc. She is his assistant and gets paid to do whatever her boss wants her to do. She has been there for movers, a/c repair man, etc. If your husband and this woman were going to happy hour and things like that alone, together, or he is cutting down on your weekend time to be with her, perhaps then I would worry something is off, but their interactions seem innocent. I would just keep the communication with him going, and perhaps suggest dinner whenever he is planning to do favors for her, just to see if you pick up on some odd vibe when they are together, but I don't think anything funky is going on here.

I am separated and have many male friends, some of which are married and I have NEVER had any affairs with them, nor has the thought crossed my mind. We talk about our kids, school, work...mundane stuff. Married women can have affairs too, I don't think it is fair to assume all women who are separated or divorced are hunters looking for prey. When he says he will keep a friendship with her, it may just mean he is willing to keep in touch, it doesn't mean he is romantically or sexually interested. In the business world, especially if she is a boss and has some degree of influence (him getting a raise, and assisting him in getting this job), the last thing you want to do is burn your bridges, so his friendship with her may also be for networking purposes. Wait and see how their friendship develops now that he is working elsewhere. I have a feeling it will cool off.

PS: The fact he is texting and talking to her while he's home rather than secretly doing this (and him telling you about their conversations, etc.) is a good sign. I think if he were hiding his phone, putting it on mute, and pretending he isn't talking to her then that would be when you should start worrying. Seems he has nothing to hide, someone who is up to no good will be hiding things and their conscience will make them act nervous and uneasy.

When I went through my divorce most of my friends evaporated. Yes, most of them were friends through my ex but suddenly I felt as though I had the plague or something.
Instead of worrying about what could be going on start talking to her. Invite her over for dinner or meet her for coffee or lunch. She may be asking your husband for help because she has no one else to ask.
Ask her the hard questions. Does she have a lot of friends? Does she have siblings or cousins who could help her? Could I do anything to help? Why is the divorce happening?
Divorce is difficult. Talk to her.

You aren't wrong to look at it this way. She is obviously dependent on him, and he likes feeling needed. He doesn't see it as being used, and it makes him feel good.

If I were you, I'd ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. He will probably not want to go. He will probably be defensive about it. But hopefully the counselor will try to get him to look at things through YOUR eyes, regardless of how innocent he sees it as.

I'd also try to get him more involved in your homelife so that there is less time for him to have to spend with her. Go pick him up at work's close and go out to dinner. Take him with you and your son somewhere that he can watch him play and you two can talk, instead of just waiting for him to come home and spend time with the family. Plan weekends out with him.

If he is busy with work and family, that gives him less time with her. Ask to come with him to have dinner with her when that starts being an issue, because it will. He said they would continue to be friends. Well, the deal should be that you BOTH will continue to friends with her, NOT just him.

The best thing that can happen is for the woman to start dating again. That will take some of the stress off...

I've had some very good, close male friends over the years when I worked. The friendships though were more a matter of convenience. Now that I no longer work with them we are only FB friends and we never get together. I think you should trust your husband. I am betting the friendship will fizzle once they are no longer working together on a daily basis.

Not working together anymore might have the opposite impact - they drift. When you see someone every day at work, it's so easy to keep up the intimacy and I don't mean that in a necessarily romantic way. People spend so much time together at work they can get very close bc there's always time to talk about little life details. Then you don't work together anymore and it's harder to maintain the closeness. But my key question always is whether the other person is attractive and somewhat age appropriate. I have male friends at work I'm very close to and just love and we talk a ton but I honestly don't find them at all physically attractive so even if I was looking to have an affair, no potential. And maybe they feel the same way. So is she attractive and around your husband's age? That can make a big difference.

NO,NO,NO! I could not handle that situation your in at all! If it didn't bother you before before, but now it is and you tell him it's bothering now, I think he should respect your wishes and be done with the girl. I'd be so jealous! I don't think your paranoid at all! NO WAY!

On the plus side, he's telling you about these things and not hiding them.

On the negative side, he's dismissing your feelings. He also has a problem with boundaries - why does he pull into the carport and not say to his boss, "I'm home now, I need to get off the phone and go be with my family"? Most car dealers offer transportation back and forth to work, or a loaner car. So this boss has no trouble dragging her employee away from the job for personal errands - that's 2 people off the job. Sure she has a neighbor who can look in on her apartment - which is much more efficient because the neighbor is RIGHT THERE and far more invested in whether there are intruders in the building.

And I have to question her professionalism - yes, she got him a raise (which I assume he deserved), but then she helps him get a job elsewhere? What does HER supervisor think of this technique of mentoring an employee and then helping him place out to another company? Or, is there a company policy against employees dating, so she's solving that problem? And taking a walk outside to "vent"? Getting a break now and then is fine, but setting an example of 2 people leaving the premises and neither being able to handle the pressure without leaving? Very unprofessional.

But the problem is, your husband doesn't say "no" to anything - including a clearly personal job like checking her apartment. He doesn't say "no" to doing things that make him look unprofessional to others in his company. He doesn't hang up when he gets home. And if they are such good friends (and that is possible with work mates, even supervisors), why are there no social dates that include you?

I would get into counseling, ideally with him or, if he says no, by yourself.

I would also invite her for dinner and be the sweetest hostess with the biggest smile, and the most family-oriented, loving wife in the world during that dinner. I'd consider having a cocktail party or BBQ with others, including a single man or two. I wouldn't do a dinner with just her and a blind date - that's too personal and obvious. But I would certainly invite other people from work as well as some good friends or neighbors, and then you as well as some others will have a first-hand view of the interaction between your husband and the boss. No matter what happens, I wouldn't make a scene or intervene other than to hand someone a plate of appetizers to pass or to ask her to help you do something. Since she's so into favors, she should do this willingly. If she doesn't, and if she's inappropriate in any way, your husband will have more than just your suppositions to deal with. And if everything is fine, you will be able to relax.

Go with your gut instinct. 9 out of 10 times it is never wrong.
Especially if it keeps nagging at you. I wouldn't presume to tell you what he is or what I think he is not doing. Sometimes how things seem or how they are rationalized by others is a view from their lens of life. If it feels wrong to you, then it is wrong. If it feels disrespectful to you, then it is disrespectful. Listen to your gut, it is never wrong. Good luck.

It sounds to me as though it's more her than him. Like, she needs someone to go with her to a car repair place. She needs to know someone is checking on her apartment in her absence. She needs someone to talk to. She needs to vent. She needs, she wants, she needs... And your husband, being a decent guy, graciously acquiesces to her needs.

You might tell your husband that you appreciate his kindness to others, his willingness to be a friend, his helpful attitude. And you might tell him that there is a difference between acting friendly towards someone vs being friends with them. A single, newly-divorced woman should not be seeking out a married man to be her pal, her buddy, her go-to, her support system. That's inserting herself into your marriage, where she does not belong.

However, if she needs actual help, like in the case where the movers were coming, and she was alone and fearful that her ex might come home, that is an appropriate time to help her out, but it should be both of you, not just your husband. Or your husband should take another person, like a guy friend of his.

Just try cautioning him - he doesn't want any employer or human resource person to feel suspicious of their relationship, to suspect that he used influence to get promotions or raises, or that the boss was giving him favors illegally or inappropriately. He needs to act in a very circumspect way when it comes to doing personal activities, alone, with a boss. Maybe try that approach. And tell him you don't mind his remaining friendly towards her, and helping her from time to time, but it's not his place to be her friend and confidante and the person she relies upon.

This really depends so much on the specific people involved. If my husband did everything that you listed here, I wouldn't think twice about it. He grew up with 4 sisters and no brothers, so he is very comfortable developing platonic relationships with women. I would be fine with him helping a friend. And, fundamentally, I just trust him not to cheat on me. I also trust him to shut someone down in no uncertain terms if they try something inappropriate.
I think there is a basic distinction to make here- are you upset because you think something is happening sexually, something might happen, he is leading her on, etc.? Or are you jealous of the time and attention that he is giving someone other than you? Either scenario should be addressed, but maybe if the two of you could address the jealousy piece then the other concern would be moot....
Of course, he could be a cheating dirtbag, but that isn't the sense I get from what you have shared.

In short, I just went through the same thing. I found out he is sleeping with her. I'm devastated. Go with your gut, speak up and express your feelings. My husband of 20 years has since moved out. We have two young children. I wish I spoke up. I wish I said something when I first noticed he changed all his passwords. Good luck, I don't wish this on anyone.

Only you know if your husband has given you reason to worry or not. Here is my perspective. I text my boss, if I am not able to reach him by email. So perhaps when he is at a meeting and I am in the office and I need to notify him of something. Sometimes, he will text and request a document or numbers. I will respond, but only to what he needs. I don't go back and forth with him saying thank you and you're welcome. I don't even say anything when he says thanks after I place a print on his desk, I usually just walk away. We are perfectly fine together, nothing over the top, and nothing negative. If he left, I would be most gracious if he helped me with my next job offer.

Even in my hardest of times, I don't think I would need him to check on my home, especially when I don't need anything watered.

While you chew on that for awhile, know there is nothing you can do to stop them. If he feels this is his friend in need, he will continue to be by her side.

At the same time, I have walked with a man around the building. He was my webmaster. I walked out to pay him so that I wasn't passing money to him inside the building. I would give him my change requests. If I didn't have a change request or owe him money, I didn't meet up with him.

She needs to find a girlfriend!

If a spouse is unwilling to limit contact with a friend even though said friendship makes their spouse feel uneasy then that is a red flag. The comfort level of the woman or man one married should always come before outside friendships. If he is acting defensive when you bring up your concerns then I would be very worried.

It is very possible he is just trying to be a nice guy, but that does not mean her intentions are "nice". Trust your gut, we have an intuition for a reason and it is time for your husband to stop playing nice with her and respect your feelings and comfort level.