Am I Doing Something Wrong? - Corpus Christi,TX

I got tired of having the"cleaning war" with my husband. We hired a housekeeper. for the Low low price of 75. every two weeks, I have more time to do my REAL job, and that is raising wonderful children.
Good luck to you.
T.

My husband is the same way at times and it ususally has nothing to do with me or the house. He's usually stressed or having a hard time at work and he just takes it out on me. It's wrong. I know it and he knows it but sometimes it still happens. I agree with the others that maybe he needs a day alone with the kids. My husband used to say all the time that he could do it by himself and keep the house much cleaner for a day. I would tell him, "yes you could do it for a day or two or a week, but after that you couldn't do it because then you would stop trying to prove me wrong and just do the job... which is hard."

One thing that I have found to really get him to stop complaining is to give him more chores around the house at night. I don't ask open ended questions either. Instead of saying, "will you bathe the girls while I clean up from dinner?", I say, "Would you like to do the dishes or bathe the girls tonight?". That usually only takes one bath time to stop some of the complaining. If he complains about the toys I just tell him that we can go through and organize the toys together this weekend to stop the clutter. When he realizes that he has to help, he backs down.

The absolute best thing for me though is to realize that he is the head of the house and I'm here to support him. So even though he needs to help more, I need to keep my thoughts in my head about him positive and loving.

Oh, and 15 minutes before I know he's going to be home I make a final sweep of the house, picking up everything off the floor, putting things away, and spraying some cleaning products in the air. Trust me, it'll help.

The changes are that he may not be doing well at school, and he's taking it out on you. Does he get home at the same time each day? If so,do a quick skan of the house. the ironing board should be put away as soon as you're finished with it anyway. You wouldn't want one of the little ones to knock it over on them. The five year old is old enough to be taught to put the toys away. No matter what you are cooking, run thru the house with a can of room spray. As for the rash on the babies bottoms, tell him that's norman. That's why they make creams. If you can do all this, tell him, very firmly, to leave his troubles outside because when he comes thru the door, it's family time, that you've had a busy day and don't have time to listen to him whine. He can sit down and eat, read the paper, watch TV and play with the kids, in fact he should help put them down for bed, BUT NO MORE WALKING ON YOU. Stand up to him and if he's the man you seem to think he is, he'll get the message. FYI: I'm over seventy, have been married more than 50 years, so "been there, done that".

Yes Erica, you are doing something wrong. You and every other mom (like me) who have taken care of the kids-4, in my case-house, groceries, homework, club mtgs, laundry, haircuts, ironing, pets, dr appts, sick kids, family members issues. You can see I'm getting riled up because the list goes on and on. The only way I know of is to let the laundry and dishes stack up, stop cooking, don't bathe the kids or wash their hair for a couple days. Leave the kids with him for 2 days/nights so that he has to do what you do. Then come home and say, "What is that smell? What is for supper? Bubba and Sissy stink and are squalling. What is this sticky thing on the carpet? There's no gas in my car. Where are my socks and underwear? I need some cash. The dog is out of the yard. The front yard is flooded where the water hose is running. Why is one kid naked and the other is in their pjs and the baby's stinking diaper is dragging the floor? You need to call your mother back about her backed up sewer. Are we out of firewood? I almost broke my foot on these Lego's all over the floor!! I'm going out with my friends. Get this mess cleaned up 'cause when I get back, I'm gonna be ready for a real romp in the bedroom! BYE!!!"

I know, I never did that either, but wasn't it funny to think about and I'll bet you can add a couple hundred things of your own.

My friend's husband got layed off and had the househusband job for a year while she worked to keep them afloat. He said it was the hardest job he'd ever done. There was no end to it, no matter how hard you try to anticipate a problem, more stuff goes wrong you never thought of. He was constantly exhausted. When he went back to work, he kept their kids and mine once a week for us to have a girls night out because he Really appreciated how hard we moms worked and never got caught up. Thank you, Dan!

I love my family too and did that for 20 yrs. It was worth every minute.

Ask your husband, When you have finished spraying water and fire extinguisher foam all over a person's burning house, who cleans that up? Not you. Your job is done. My job is Never done because we keep Living here. Never give up!

Love to you and yours! C.

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.

Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

This is my theory. Most men have ideas about how a house should be kept based on how thier moms did it. They also do not remember how the house was when they were very small and things were messier .I had this discussion with my husband and mother in law once . He said "our house was always spottless when I was young." His mother replied "You don't remember what it was like when you were very small and I had to care for you and your brother." The other thing you need to do is leave the kids with your husband alone one day. He will see really quickly how muck work it is just to manage them let alone get anything else done. I really feel for you. My kids are 6, 4 and 2 and my husband is a student and works full time as well.Fortunately for me, I am the obsessive one in the family. Good luck and hang in there:)

You are doing a wonderful job as a mother. It is hard work. My question is - "what is going on with your husband?" He must be very stressed out for him to pick on you (it sounds a little abusive by the way). My husband is a little on the obsessive compulsive side and wants to have every thing in order or it makes him feels stressed out. And he would nit pick me (I'm clean but messy & disorganized sometimes). Once I realized it was his problem, not mine, I was able to look at it differently and ask him what was going on with him. I notice his behavior is worse the more stressed he is about work. It's a control issue. He's feeling out of control about something, so he wants everything else in his world in order. Well, life is messy. Encourage him to find a hobby or something that will help him be more relaxed. Point out how it makes you feel when you've been working hard all day and he nit picks. A counselor once told me to "spit in his soup". This means that you point out all the problems before he gets a chance and agree with all the things he points out, maybe even exagerrate a little. "Oh I know the house is a mess and I haven't been able to fix a proper dinner tonight. I'm the worse housekeeper ever." Hopefully he will not agree with you, and he may realize how he sounds and say something encouraging. If things get worse, call a counselor to help you talk to him in a way that improves your marriage. Good luck. I've been through it for 16 years, and understand.

Wow...lots of responses to read! My two cents...I have been married 21 years now, and am married to a man who is a perfectionist. I know I cannot change him (Lord knows I've tried)...but have learned to accept who he is but not give in to all he wants. I used to run around and pick up the house & vacuum everyday right before he would come home...I would wait till the weekend to do laundry and all so he would see all the work I do instead of being able to enjoy my weekends with my family. Well....that doesn't happen any more. I don't care if it bothers him that I am sitting in front of the TV with a glass of wine enjoying my down time! It took years for me to realize that I couldn't change his behavior, but I was not going to sacrifice mine anymore. It took him a long time for him to see it wasn't going to get him anywhere with me ragging about things (though he still cannot help himself most of the time). You take the good with the bad (he is a good Dad and provider). I know you are looking for a solution, however, if that is his personality; and you want your marriage to work (and it is work!) you have to learn how to manage each other's quirks. No one is perfect!

Hi Erica,

I'm work full time and still have several cleaning at the hosue I do. I was a single mom for 6 years and my husband tends to come home late. By the time he get there I'm so worn out and exhausted. He used to constantly ask me what I do around the house because he is always washing dishes and the there are still toys on the floor. So I went out of town for a week with my work and it was up to my husband to do everything from getting our son up and ready for school to getting him to bed at night. Needless to say when I came home. Dishes had piled up, you could hardly see the living room floor and there were about 4 loads of laundry that needed to be done. Ever since then he very rarely says anything. Every now and then he'll bring it up and I'll ask him if he wants me to name off what I've done before he's even gotten to the house. He's only wanted me to do that a couple of times and then I let him know that if he'd like I can always leave for another week. It usually ends the conversation pretty quickly.

It also reminds me of an email I got where a husband comes home and the house is in disaray, kids are still in nightgowns and eating cereal from a box and he finds the wife upstairs in bed watching TV. He asks if what happened and her resopnse is "You know when you asked me the other day What do I do all day? Well I didn't do it today."

Good Luck,
M.

Erica, congrats on being a great mother, wife and home maker. I think in order for your husband to feel your pain he would have to walk in your shoes. Have you thought about taking a mini vacation for about 4 days? So your husband would be foreced to clean, cook and take care of the children. I bet if he had to do all the things that you do without complaining for at least 4 days he would have a new respect for what you do. Good luck and I hope my idea helps out.
Faythe

My husband is also a firefighter and when he was going through the academy(in houston anyway, at the HFD academy) things were rough. He was very on edge and the tests they have in the academy are very stressful. He could easily be out of a great career if he doesn't pass everything. And of course, I'm on your side on this, if he wasn't like this before he will be back to his old self once the academy is over. Feel free to e-mail and vent if you need to.

Has he ever kept the kids alone for a whole day?

After the first time my DH (dear husband) kept out kids alone all day long, he had nothing but respect for me that I got anything done at home at all. In fact just that week he had been complaining about the toys being everywhere when he got home, so I was walking around picking them up ten minutes before he got home, while making dinner and all the other stuff. (Of course by bedtime they were all everywhere again). He told me that he would help me clean them up every night before bed.

He also now does the dishes every night...I gave him a choice after dinner to bathe and pj the kids OR do the dishes...otherwise I am up until 10 or 11 just trying to finish up the kids and house. This way we both are done before 9pm and can both sit down to relax.

It seems he just needs a dose of reality that us SAHMs run a daycare and are house keepers too. We work our butts off everyday just keeping on top of the children's needs much less the house too. If you can arrange to HAVE to be away for a whole day and leave him with the kids...it would do him a world of good with out saying a word.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I say it's time for a reality check for your Husband- LEAVE HIM HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS ALL DAY- HAVE CLOTHES FOR HIM TO WASH AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE YOU WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND. Make a list of everything you do on the computer or on paper- Leave it where he is going to see it. Put it up on the wall right in front of the door so that he see it everyday. List everything. Wake up with baby @ 4am, changed diaper X100 a days...lol Wash a million dishes. You get the point.
If he still doesn't get then talk to your MIL about how it used to be at their house. Ask her for tips that can help. I'm very lucky in the fact my husband is laid back about it [maybe too much] but you know I the dishes will always be there and you can always go buy some more undies but time with your children is too precious to waste. But if want him to stop complain- GO out buy lots of air fresheners [stick ups or something], Destined the kids bottom all the time [KIDS always get this- He is very wrong for assuming you are not taking care of your kids], don't iron his clothes if he's going to complaining that it's out and on and on...
Sorry if I'm not much help but I can't stand men that expect their wives to do everything.
Good Luck

You need to have a talk with him. Dig further. His criticism is a passive aggressive reaction to something else that is bothering him. Perhaps he is feeling a little financial stress? Maybe that, plus feeling like the financial burden is solely on him, could be fueling his attitude that you're not working as hard as he is...? Maybe he's feeling unappreciated? Maybe he feels that the only place he can exert any authority or control over is at home and he feels out of touch (and without any authority) when he's home?

By the way, I hope the way I wrote all that doesn't come across as saying that you are not working as hard as he is. No way, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that he may have those feelings... and its possible he hasn't even admitted those feelings to himself. But definitely open a little wine after the kids go down and have a 'deep breath' conversation.

Dear Erica,

The problem is, he hasn't walked in your shoes. All of us moms know what you're going through, especially with the 17 month old and the 6 month old. Actually, very few of us moms know what it's like to have two that are only 11 months apart. My first two were 15 months apart, and that was the hardest year of my life, even harder than having trouble with teenagers, and that's saying something! I will say the seven most wonderful words a mom can hear: "I don't know how you do it." (And I mean that. I am truly amazed that you have guests over with everything else you have to do!) Now, don't you feel better already?

And the next problem is, he'll never walk in your shoes. To be honest, you really can't expect him to know what it's like to do all that you do. So don't expect it.

I think what you want is to be appreciated. I know that's what I wanted when I gave and gave and gave all day. I needed my husband to notice and appreciate what I was doing for him and for the children. I want to encourage you that Jesus knows every detail of what you do at your home. He said that when you give a cup of water, you do it for Him. And when you cloth the naked, you do it for Him, and He remembers! In Rev. 2:2 Jesus says, "I know thy works, and thy labor, and thy patience..." Jesus knows and appreciates you. Savor that.

Here's my advice for your relationship with your husband. Each morning, ask him what are three things (or two, or one - you decide) that he would like for you to do for him that day. And then every time you're not clothing a child or feeding a child or giving a cup of cold water, do what he asked. It may take you all day to accomplish those three things. Do it cheerfully. And then when he comes home, don't expect him to notice, but share with him what you did, and how you loved doing the things that please him. What you are doing is showing him respect. You are showing him that you care about what he cares about. I think that eventually he won't criticize as much, and may even appreciate you.

Forgive him for being that way. There are many, many young husbands who "have no clue." Love him anyway. When you stop focusing on his faults, you'll be able to see his good qualities much better. When you're 57 and the kids are grown and you still have a great relationship, you'll be glad you did.

One more thing: Go see "Fireproof." It's about a fireman and a young marriage. It's so realistic, and so good.

Been there, done that, made many mistakes, but still learning,
J.

Some men, most men, truly do not understand what you do until they have to do it. He won't ever truly appreciate what you do until he has to do it himself. So, if you can't set that up, you will have to try to talk to him. Tell him how hard you try and how hard it is on you for him to complain. Tell him it hurts you and frustrates you and discourages you from trying harder. Maybe he just has certain pet peaves. You can't do it all - but maybe have the kids pick up their toys that are in the walkways right before he comes. Make it a routine, put a reminder alarm if you need to. Try putting a Plug In or candle right by the front door so that when he walks in he smells something nice. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't talk to him about it. You should. But, it seems that his complaints are simple ones to try and remedy. If you react in pride and get angry at his complete unappreciation, then you will only be making things worse. Remember - he won't ever understand truly until he does it. If it were me? I would tell him I need a day off and take it next time he is off and home with the kids. Leave a list of chores that you would normally do and see if he can get it accomplished. It can be done in anger or it can be done in jest - Jest is the preferred. He will begin to understand. Dare him if you have to. Whatever - take the day off with him in charge of the kids! Maybe even take 2? Also, some men are just natural complainers (as are most of us). My husband is one of those. He now sees his weakness and is trying to work on it. But, I can see the complaint in his eyes still. His mom is a neat freak, and I am sloppy. I try and he tries. Neither are completely satisfied with the other, but we talk about it and try to please each other. When I rise up in pride though (or he), it only makes it worse and doesn't accomplish anything other than an argument or bad day. He has very high expectations of you. Hopefully you can help him lower those expectations. If not, then hopefully you can put in perspective and not let him steal your joy no matter what! You know in your heart that you are doing what you can. Eventually you may have to come to the place that what he thinks, when he is unreasonable, though it may hurt, will not steal your joy and you will let it slide. You are not alone in this situation. It is a very typical and common complaint of wives.

Oh Sweetheart. It is not you. You are doing a huge job with little or no emotional support. As long as he can keep you on the defensive thinking it is you then it keeps the focus off of what he is not doing.
To be a good mother you need to feel supported by him and he is NOT doing his job.
Have a date night and go see the movie that is out right now.
Fireproof.(Tell him you heard it was about a firefighter.)
Stand firm and be secure in who you are and do not allow him to criticize and boss you around that is NOT his job.
Take some time for yourself and leave him for a weekend with those three kids and lets see how great he does. He needs to learn some appreciation for all that you do.When mine were that age I started going on Women's Retreats and different things a few times a year. It was great for him to realize how difficult our job really is.
Best Wishes.

"Anything I can do or tell him that would not make him angry"???!! I am quoting you because that sounds to me like an abusive husband who is trying to completely control you! He seems to have no idea how much work you are doing. Three children under the age of six -- You are doing a tremendous amount of work! Wow, lucky children to have such a hardworking mom! I say "Great job!"

It's time for your husband to start being helpful. At the very least, and I do mean very least, he should say everyday, "You are doing a great job." I have a friend who told her husband that he needed to say that to her, and he did which made her feel appreciated. Of course he was a loving husband. Perhaps the two of you need marriage counseling, either by a professional counselor or a religious pastor -- but not one that will start telling you that you must be subservient to your husband! Giving him the benefit of the doubt; perhaps your husband is feeling really stressed about taking care of his family financially. If he will talk about his true feelings, maybe he could then acknowledge the importance of what you are doing too.

Oh my goodness girl, 3 kids with 2 11 months apart. You go girl!! That has GOT to be hard. Your husband is not appreciating how hard it is to STAY HOME with kids! Those that work take their kids elsewhere (in most cases) during the day so their homes are nice and clean when they return! And you also have to make and clean up THREE meals a day! when working moms only have to worry about dinner!! My house is a wreck with toys and everything out all day until the end of the night when they go to bed. Then I put up things without them dragging them out behind me! It is impossible to have a spotless house at the age your kids are. Your husband needs to get a grip! and be more appreciative! Please please please have him stay at home all day with them at least one day so he can see what it is like!! God bless you!
C. (34 yr old SAHM of 3 yr old girl and 1 yr old boy)

Have you ever left him with the kids all day while you had something to do? If not, try that. He needs to see how much of your time is spent actually caring for the kids instead of doing chores. Tell them that while the kids are so little, it's easier to have toys on the floor for them because they are always getting them out, and it's easier to have the ironing board handy so you can get that done quicker. Remind him how supportive you are of his education, and ask him to be supportive of your situation. Good luck, and don't let it get to you.

No you aren't doing ANYTHING wrong... HE IS. He is an unappreciative AZZ.

You need to take a vacation from everything for a week and then see if he appreciates you more.

In otherwords, go on a strike.

It may just be that he's under alot of stress. Trust me, you are not the only one with a nit picky husband..LOL...
sometimes it's hard trying to juggle shores and a little one..just try not to take it personally... when he gets home, give him some time to unwind. Let him come home and just let him vent if he needs to get something off his chest just listen. Most likely it has nothing to do with you or the kids. He might just be stressed out and doesn't realize his actions are hurting you.I myself have a husband in the military and a 15 month old!!...there are days that the hubby can be mean but usually it's just work related and I just let him blow off some steam and he'll bounce back to his normal peaceful self. Just do your best. I know it isn't easy, but no one ever said that life was easy right? When he does come home, try to be positive, having a negative set mind like "oh God, what is he going to complain about today?" will not help. Just ask hime how his day was,let him talk, then tell him how your day went with the kids, what kinds of activities y'all did for the day. ..THINK POSITIVE!!!!
My best suggestion would be ...Try to have some alone time with him, maybe when the kids are tucked in for the night and just listen to what he has to say. In turn, you tell him how his actions and interactions are hurting you. Good luck! I will be praying for you!

Take him to see Fireproof. Maybe he will see himself as the husband/fire fighter and realize all you do. Kirk Cameron did a great job on this film.

It sounds like he is taking his day out on you rather than on his day. remember it is always easier to lash out at those that are around you all the time. just ignore it as best you can and when you have some quiet time together tell him how you feel when he says such and such. don't attack him, just calmly let him know how you feel.

it's not you, it's the stress and it is spilling over onto you. he just needs to find a proper outlet for his bottled up feelings. tough one.

good luck, try not to take it personally and it's okay to let some things slide.

Erica,
Just remember that everything in life is temporary and this to shall pass. Sleep when the babies sleep. I cleaned as I went thru my day. If something is on a counter that doesn't belong there while you are standing there put it away. And so on. You will be surprised at how little effort it does take. Wipe a sink when you wash your hands, drop a towel in the wash after showers and bathes and before you know it you have a load of laundry ready to wash. If your husband complains about things. Hear him out and then ask what he would do differently? Then politely let him do it. We are not perfect we are Moms. My husband was constantly complaining that I did not keep the house clean enough so I quit cleaning for one week. He does not complain anymore. And for goodness sakes girl buy a crock pot and a recipe book for it. They are life savers. I do have three kids although they are further apart in age than yours it is still tough. Mine are grown but I did start teaching them how to put things away at an early age. Your five year can fold towels and small items. Maybe not perfectly but show her how and praise her for the effort. Get some small baskets and show them, the 5 year old and the 17 month old where to put their toys. And tell your husband you appreciate that he has had a hard day. They are his children too. Maybe he could read a book to the kids, after all he may feel like you spend all your time with the kids and the little boy in him is not getting the attention from you that he feels he is now missing because the kids take up all your time. Yep sometimes the husband gets childish. Tell him to hire a sitter and you guys find some time to spend together. It is important. I know with three kids the money is probable extremely tight, maybe Grandma or Aunt could watch them for a couple of hours, pack some sandwiches and go to the park to the lake or any where just take i walk if possible. Find some time for yourself and for him. Good luck and God be with you.

Erica,
While these little excerpts about our lives and problems leave a lot to the imagination for the reader, I, we all, can only advise you on what WE have been told by you.
If I am correct, I am understanding that you cook, take care of 3 very small children, iron and do what you can to please your husband. I also understand that he is taking good care of you all by doing his part and going to work. Sounds pretty 50/50 to me ~ you do not need to walk on eggshells with your husband, and if you feel like you do then there is a whole other issue that needs to be addressed.
My first husband was very critical of me even though you could eat off my floors and probably drink from my toilet! But it seemed that I could never please him. After several years of marriage I switched gears on him and had him try being me for one week. I realize that our situation at the time was unique and allowed me to do that, but it wouldn't hurt for him to walk in YOUR shoes and THEN let's see if he can critize! My husband saw life through my eyes for a change and he made some changes quick!
You cannot help what HIS standards are as long as you feel you are doing your best. For the sake of your marriage, you need to express to him in a calm way how he is making you feel about this. Chances are he will be offended, but if you stand your ground, and if he truly loves you and your marriage, he should begin to listen to you.
Put the ball in his court. You could leave for the day on Saturday and then again on Sunday, have it be the same amount of time that he is at work during the week. Ask him to watch the kids and to do all the things that you do and then to also do all the other things that he WANTS you to do, including having dinner ready for YOU when you get home. Give him two full days of this and see if he doesn't come around. Be nice about it ~ say that you really want to understand his point of view, but in order for him to give that to you, he needs to compare apples with apples. Understand?
My sister went through this for 17 years with 2 kids and her husband did NOTHING but critizis her for this and that. She divorced him last year for just this reason and he was devistated. She got him back for not listening, but it is really sad when a marriage has to end like that after so many years. Fight for this girl! Sometimes marriage is about laying it on the line in order to make it right ~ it is not always about YOU making the compromise or sacrifices.
Best of luck with this and may God guide you. Pray that He gives you the right words to say and that your husband listens with a loving heart.
Deborah

You the whinner? Absolutely not!!! You are afraid to get him angry? Why? He needs to be angry at himself. You have a full plate and if he doesn't appreciate what you do then have him spend an entire day with the kids and take care of the house while you go away somewhere with friends or family. He will learn real quick. Of course he won't admit it. I know some have said maybe he is under a lot of stress with the new job. No excuse! You don't treat the mother of your children with disrepect. I think this is the way his own father was towards his mother. People don't just pick up horrible habits, they usually learned them from some one or they are listening to some friend who does the same thing. You need to tell him you do not appreciate his comments and don't let him make a doormat out of you. You are an adult and you know what you do during the day. You two need to sit down and talk and let him know you don't appreciate it. If you two do not communicate he will just continue this pattern because you let him and remember your children are watching this as well and learning. Do you want them to do the same thing when they grow up? If you think you both need conselling then you should get it and please don't say he is a wonderful father and husband. No he is not if he is constantly putting you down and thinking you do nothing all day. That is not a good husband and is not setting examples for your children. When he learns to treat you with respect of which you deserve, then I might say he is a good husband and father.
Sorry but I do feel for you but I get so irritated sometimes when woman say they are afraid to make him mad etc. What about you and your feelings? If you are afraid to make him mad then is that a sign he would do something or harm you in any way. Again if you answered that yes, then again he is not a good husband or father. Please stand up for yourself and don't let him get away with treating you this way. You certainly deserve more and you certainly deserve some time off. You two go to dinner or something by yourselves and talk, talk, talk. You might be surprised at what you may find out. Good Luck to you.

He may be complaining about these things when something else in his life is actually the cause of his anger/frustration. It could certainly be work - he has a very tough job. I feel for him and his demands at work, but that is still no excuse for him to belittle the hard work you do for him and the family. The fact that you want to say something to him without making him angry concerns me a bit. You should be able to talk to your husband about your concerns on this without him getting angry at you. If he flies off the handle just b/c you want to discuss this with him then you really do have a problem and may need to see a counselor. If I were in your situation I would demand that he treat me and what I do with absolute respect and wouldn't allow any criticism. I hope you two can resolve this and that you can feel appreciated (like you should feel).

Don't complain or even say anything! Pick a day (or preferably a weekend) and leave your husband home with the kids. This works wonders! Suddenly your husband will appreciate what you go through to take care of your children and back off. Every once in a while, you may have to do it again to remind him. Ha! Try it! It is an amazing way to 'show' your husband what goes into your day without having to tell him. Good luck.

This is what I would do... I would switch places with him for a weekend (obviously you are not going to the academy). Lets see if he can handle three kids, housekeeping, meals, and all the many extras a SAHM do. I remember a time when my husband noticed dust on our furniture (he noticed it because he was pitching in with the cleaning), he was all mad and complaint about what I did all week. Three days later he noticed the dust again (we were living up north and that was normal due to the old furnace)and he felt very sorry and then apologized. I was very angry and until this day I remind him about it. Sometimes people need to realize that unless we become slaves in our own house then there is no way we could keep it perfect. Besides, perfect for whom... for someone who does not appreciate it!! Maybe he would like to come see mine to appreciate yours!!!- I gave up. I try to keep my house clean but it is not a priority anymore ( I started school and there's only so much I can do) Good luck!!

Wow Erica. I really feel for you. It is really tough that you have 2 kids that are still so young. Before having a conversation with your husband, write down your daily routine of all the things you do during the day and at night. It will be obvious that you do indeed do a lot of work and having to wake up in the middle of the night does not help a person function very well. This will show him how organized you really are and how much you do. I also think it will be helpful to list out all the things you need to do each day of the week and post it on a wall where you can easily see it. Once you are familiar with your routine, you can take it off. Since you have 3 kids, there will always be toys in the house. What you might want to do if you don't want your husband to come home to a house full of toys is try to have the 5 yr old and 17mth old help you clean up and put away their toys before daddy comes home. Make it a fun activity and reward them when they're done. Also have your husband praise them for doing a good job when he comes home. My 18th mth old learn how to clean up at his daycare so I know someone his age can learn how to put away his toys. Designate toy areas so they know where they belong. Once the kids are in bed, talk to your husband that you understand he might be under a lot of stress to support the family with 1 income and stress from the academy but try to be supportive in each other as a family and be considerate of each other. Isn't it more pleasent for the whole family to enjoy each other rather than to be mad at each other all the time? Life is too short. You both decide you wanted 3 kids and you both decide you wanted to stay at home so this is a joint decision. I know a lot of my coworkers who work all day and come home to help their wife on weeknights and weekends. I really admire your perseverance. You also need some time off from the kids and get away and regroup. Do you get any of that? I hope your husband will understand that everyone needs some along time once in a while. Maybe your husband is just under a lot of stress and he is really a great guy in general. Good luck to you and family. I wish you all the best. Hang in there.

Do nothing!!!! No cleaning and no dinner when he walks in the door!! Yes then he will have something to gripe about. Sounds like he needs a day home alone ALL DAY with the kids... You go see your friends, have a good time!!!

Have him walk in your shoes for an entire day!

My husband had a greater understanding of how hard I work... when he spends the day taking care and entertaining our son!

I think I would have to agree with the previous posters in that these guys have no clue what it takes to take care of the kiddos all day long. If you have the opportunity, try leaving him with them for a day (or even a few hours...go pamper yourself!). He will see just how hard it is to take care of them and get anything else done. My husband watches my almost 3 year old and my 4 month old every Monday night (I sing on our praise team at church and we have rehearsals on Mondays) and he said to me last week that he can never get anything done for himself while he's watching the kids. I'm lucky in that my husband never complains about the house or dinner or anything and is always asking what he can do to help when he gets home, but I still feel like it was a huge validation to hear him say how tough it is to watch both kids and get the toys, dishes, etc. cleaned up.

I think a huge dose of reality is in order for him to totally get it. You can try talking to him, but he just sees the sheer number of hours you are at home "doing nothing" and doesn't get how the house isn't spotless. You're probably going to have to give him a taste of what it's like. Best of luck to you and congrats for doing such a great job, Mom!

The first time my new hubby complained to me about our bedroom being a mess I answered, "I'm so glad you noticed. When are you going to clean it?" I asked in anticipation of him fixing/cleaning anything he noticed not up to his standards. He didn't complain again.

I kind of had a similar issue with my hu`sband asking me what I did all day and nit picking. The house is always clean when he comes home but he wants like the corners swept and such. I have two of my own, 3 and 1, and I watch my neice also 3 and soon to watch her baby brother coming in November. So I knew I had to do something to show him the things I did during the day. So I started a little notebook and in it I write things to do today. Some days I ask him is there anything he'd like me to do and I write them down along with the normal stuff I know I need to do. Then I check them off as I do them and he can look when ever he wants to see what I did that day. Its been working for me and I think it might help you out also.:)

your husband needs to be a little more supportive of your hard work. It is HARD work that you in of yourself each and every day. It sounds like he doesn't realize how hard it is to manage 3 young kiddos and having to keep the house clean at the same time. I only have one 3 year old and our house is always messy with the toys scattered all over the floor. So, I can just imagine what it's like with 3 young kids.

You need to have a serious talk with your hubby and ask him to be supportive. Tell him you NEED a supportive husband right now. The kids are young and they are not at an age of reason which makes it even harder. You're lack of sleep doesn't help you either. I'm surprised you are not stressed by all of this.

Pray about it. Ask God for strength, courage and guidance. He will give your life direction and many good things will come with it.

Many Blessings!

S..
www.ohsobella.com

You are an amazing mother! Wow 3 children under 5 years old and you are still sane! Pat yourself on the back, seriously...right now:)
I am not sure what advice to give you about your husand, only that he is under a lot of pressure I think and unfortunately you are his only output for anger and frustrations. I understand your frustrations too, and maybe you should just tell him, "I know you are trying to make a better life for us and you are doing a great job!" Maybe all he needs is some positive feedback. If you are, great! But, come on, let's just put it out there right now....men are just big children themselves and need positive reinforcement just like we give our kids! They need to be placaded (spelling wrong I'm sure) and patted on the back. If he isn't getting this from the other Fire Acadamy folks, he might need more of it at home. I've been married 9 years and am learning more and more how much men need to be treated like a child..."good job honey!" It is amazing the response and lack of complaints you'll get when you give them praise...even if it isn't due!:)
My house was a mess a lot when I stayed home for 6 years. My husband only now that I'm back to work has complained about it (back then he didn't say much). Your husband needs to realize priorities and I hope something will make him realize, this is his life...the only one he gets...and life is messy and smells of great food! He needs to look around him and see his many many blessings; unfortunately that might take a little overboard tenderness for him to see it! I realize how hard it can be to even want to give your husband a long hug when he gets home after you have a frazzled day, but maybe it will be all he needs to refocus on the important things. I have a neat freak husband, but fortunately he realized I'm quite the opposite and I'm not gonna have a prestine house just for him. Life is messy and isn't it grand?
Good luck to your lovely family!
M. Pinilla

OMG! 17 months and 6 months? Lady, someone needs to be taking care of you!!!! You are doing just fine! If you can take care of those little ones and actually cook dinner, you are doing Fantastic! My guess is your husband resents not getting to be at home himself. Also, he may be just freaking out about how incredibly busy your family life is and feeling a little left out and insecure. My husband did this exact same thing after our baby came. Turns out he thought I didn't love him any more because I was giving all my attention to our baby and had no energy left for him. So, he started nit picking out of his unhappiness instead of talking about what was really on his mind. You guys need to give each other a break and enjoy the "messy life" of raising little ones. Also, don't forget to get a sitter or some other kind of help now and then and go out on a date!

My husband is a firefighter. Take your man to see FIREPROOF.
Mine cried through the whole movie - it changed him. GO SOON!

You aren't doing anything wrong. It is the daily grind of having kids. My advice, choose a weekend he doesn't have to work and leave him with the kids. Go and visit a sick relative or elderly parents/grandparents so he can't gripe. Then, after a weekend alone doing everything he will likely lighten up. He will never understand unless he has to do it himself.

Erica,

I'm sorry your going through this first of all. I have the similar problem as you,but mine only nitpiks at me when i ask for help. I have a 1 year old who has so much energy that i can barley keep up with him and god forbid take time for myself or my 9 year old. I get no help around the house except from my 9 year old. My husbands excuse is he works hard and i just sit at a desk . So , i'm supposed to have the house clean,cook,take the baby a bath ,wash dishes,get bedtime bottles ready,diaper bag for the sitter,and get things ready fro the next morning. If i stay home from work i make sure the house is clean,food is cooked. If he stays home from work with the baby nothing gets done,he can't even fix the bed or pick up his clothes from where he threw them. If I leave the house as is hoping it will give him the hint that i need help it will sit there. I wish i knew a quick fix for both of us. I have tried writing letters,emails nothing works. I started getting my son to help due to the fact that my husband will say my son doesn't help..(how childish is that right ??) So to avoid any of those remarks I showed my son to vacuum . I wish men could be more understanding .

Was he always this way or is this reaction new? If it's a recent thing, I would say he's under a lot of stress and can't take it out on the job, so, you are the winner. Try to be understanding and block out most of what he says when he says it - confronting him when he says it will only make it worse.
Get a babysitter and go out to dinner and discuss your feelings
out in public where you can remain calm. Work out a pssible code word so when he does get picky with you, you say the word, and it helps him back off. I wish you luck. Last ditch effort - have someone videotape you for at least 4 hours of your day!

Hi Erica,

I am sure you are frustrated just like many of us get when are husbands come home and nitpick at us. Thats not what we hope for when they first walk through the door. Well, through my experience being married, I have learned to walk in my husband shoes and he has walked in mine. The thing I got out of it was I was taking him for granted and vise versa. Sometimes thats happens and we don't really realize thats what happening. Sometimes we didnt even realize we havent been communicating with one another and have been asborbed by everything else and not what was going on with our relationship. When you stay home and everything is about the house, the kids, the animals and even managing the bills can be just a pain and tiresome just the same as it is for our husband when they leave home to go work. The thing I had to realize I needed to tell my husband is he got to leave to go to work. I didnt work was where I slept,ate,played and even on the weekends. Men dont really think about things like that, you really do have to sit them down and spell it out or just simply say it. You have your hands full and you need a break, a day off. Communicate with your husband how you feel,but be ready to hear what he has to say also. Remember he is going through it too. Men do not do well with change so pray about it if you believe and if not try it on what will it hurt. Just dont come off as bossy,controlling or even angry. You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. May Patients be with you!

My opinion. Your not doing anything wrong. My children's father is a p.o. and he works his tail off ALL week long, and a lot more than 40 hours, and he helps out alot. I work night shift. He works all day, and when he gets home, he usually takes care of dinner and tells me to get some rest. It sounds like you are seriously under appreciated. Life is too short to worry about tippy toeing around him to not make him angry. I would be willing to bet that he couldn't handle taking care of the everyday needs of a teenager, a five year old and a baby, and a whiny husband. And as far as the diaper rash.......are you kidding me? All babies get diaper rashes!! I have worked with several fireman, and I have a lot of respect for them, but your husband needs a reality check. You need to quit worrying about what he thinks so much and take care of yourself. If you don't start getting some sleep it will catch up with you. Take care of yourself, and put him in his place girlfriend!!!

You aren't doing anything wrong. I don't think the house or the kids is the root of the problem. Something else is making him unhappy and he chooses to nit pick because it's all that he knows how to do. Maybe he is unhappy with himself and takes it out on you?

No, you are not doing anything wrong! Maybe he's got an attitude because he's had a rough day. That doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you! Ask him if he had a bad day. Tell him you know that becoming a fireman is a high pressure, no mistakes situation, but walking in the door & basically insulting you is not ok. Tell him how proud you are of him. Tell him you know he's working really hard to achieve this goal & you are trying to back him up & lift him up for the great things he's doing & the great Dad he is & that you need him to do the same for you... lift you up, not tear you down. Honestly, if it were me in your shoes I would remind him that if he wasn't appreciative of me as a wife, mother, cook & maid, that the firehouse had a bed for him to sleep in & a hot meal & he should go right back over there until he can walk in the door & be appreciative of all that I do everyday... but that's me! I really hope you can talk to him & work it out. Sincerely, A.

Hello. I am so sorry about this situation. He sounds unhappy. People who aren't happy with themselves find things wrong with other people (like nit-pickin'). As long as you are having your intimate time together then You are doing your wifely duties. Make sure you are praying for him and having an intimate relaiongship then you should just choose a time when the kids are busy and just tell him that his behavior hurts your feelings and you wonder why he feels like he does about these "small" things? Ask him questions, not bombbarding him, but inquire about his current state of mind.
Good luck,
recommended reading is "Power of a Praying Wife"
H.

Erica,
You are doing your best ad YOU know that. Sounds like he has the problem. Most of the times when people "Nit-Pick", it is b/c they themselves are not happy. They either are feeling guitly, fearful, or inadequate. I know its hard, but know you are valued & loved and tell yourself every day. You might not ever find the "Pat on the back" you need from him. Your reward is seeing the result of your beautiful children & knowing you are being there with them, loving them & meeting their needs! Don't let anyone take that from you. Take time to list in your mind EVERYDAY, the things you accomplished. This will make you feel better.

Erica,

You are not doing anything wrong. I am on my second marriage and I have stuggled to please someone who will not be pleased. One thing I now realize is that these guys are stuggling with themselves and what they perhaps feel they are not doing all that they should. I believe they see us working our tails off and they feel guilty for not helping or for not wanting to help. I really believe it's an inferiority complex. I am the mother of 16, 7, 4, and 3 year olds. My husband works shift work and I go to school 3 nights a week. Our house is not perfect, but it's not a wreck. I, too, have friends and family come over and complement me on how clean my house is and making comments like they don't know how I do it all. This is why I've finally come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's him. I, too, do not want to rock the boat. My husband is a good man and a good father. I have in him the rock I need to lean on in life. I can usually talk to him when it gets to the point that I can't stand it. Things settle down. He really works hard at pleasing me and trying to do better. But then we'll wind up right back with all the criticism and bossing me around. I also pray for him on a daily basis. I'm sure we would fall apart if not for this important thing in our life together--our faith. I just have to step back and look at the big picture and take comfort in the fact that I'm not they only woman who lives with occasional excessive criticism from a generally wonderful man that I love with all of my heart. He is afterall just a man and there is something deeper that really must be bothering him. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself with kindness and grace (no whining and yelling) and just ask him to please not tear your life's work down like that. Be direct, lay it right on the line and don't mince words. Speak the truth about what that does to you. If he's all that, he'll hear you and he'll work on it for you. Being a wife and mother and homemaker does not mean you don't have a job. It means you are doing the most important job there is in the world and it deserves respect that I fear we just don't get and we never will if we don't demand it. It's important that we remember to respect ourselves and demand it from everyone else. You're not a doormat you are your husband equal, his partner. Gently remind him. Hope this helps. Best wishes

I was behind on my mamasource topics and just read your posting this morning and felt bad for you the entire day. I H. that with the number of responses that you have received, reassures that you of any doubts you may have about being a good housewife and mom. You have a lot on your plate, heck I have just one baby and he's been a handful. Keep in mind that women are stronger, that's the reason why we outlive men because we can multitask; our day starts at 3 a.m. and ends the next day at 1:00 a.m. and we do it day in and day out- while all along our husbands are fed, sleep well and are rested. I have a full time job and the level of tiredness is the same as when i was staying at home w/my baby. Once in a while when my husband does have a smart comment, my response is "Sounds to me like you think you can do a better job at this and you are volunteering to ____ (whatever it is that he's complaining about)" - that comment usually stops him dead in his tracks. The only way that I stay sane is to ignore his comments and take on the attitude that I live for my son and if my husband wants to come along for the ride, well he better jump on the wagon. lol. Stay strong, do what you have to do to be happy, laugh plenty (it helps) and lots of luck to you.

As a wife to a 22-year fire fighter, just wait until your husband is assigned to his first station. "Clean up" happens EVERY SHIFT and the rookies get the worst jobs. I think he will be singing a different tune then. If he is that picky at home, give him a few months at the station...it really should change him...especially when he can't sleep through the night because he's out on runs. Your husband is gonna get a crude awakening. Best wishes!

Hi Erica - I feel your pain ... I have a husband that is a police officer that is the same way. He is a clean freak and I feel pretty sure he is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Nothing is clean enough or smells good enough. I have tried to understand from his (OCD) point of view that when he sees something out of place that it effects him deeply and he reacts (being OCD, he can't help it). Knowing this, I try to keep as much order as I can. It was much harder when our children were smaller so there were many conflicts. Just know that it is about him and not you (unless your house is trashed everytime he comes home which you have said it is not!).

Try approaching him with empathy "Honey, I know how important it is for you to have the house in order when you get home so I have made it a point to pick up before you arrive". Be careful saying "But" ie: "But, the kids were still playing ...." because "But" is an eraser word so anything you have said before it is erased! If it gets too bad, and having discussions with him (communication between you two is the key .. Don't hold things inside - they come out in one way or the other!) I would go to counseling to discuss it - over time things will break down and communication will stop and just become arguing.

He is under alot of pressure to complete his training knowing that he can be eliminated at any time so if you are not doing it, make sure that you tell him how supportive you are of him and how proud you are of him going through this training to become a fireman!

Good Luck!

K.

Schedule some time for him to be at home alone with the kids. Once he's in your shoes, he'll be able to empathize. Worked for me.

My husband is the same way. Just find a way to stop doing all that you are during the day. It was ironic but I finally returned to work after being a stay at home mom for four years, I subbed at a school for two days in a row. It didn't take a genius to see that the house was in disarray and the laundry was already piling up. I knew when he finally pitched in to help clean up a spill on the floor that he realized then how much I am doing and how being at home enables me to do more. I knew that he understood at that point. Hang in there eventually the little ones will be independent and you can relax more.

Not sure I can help much, but I have read a book that might give you some ideas. It's called "Created to Be His Help Meet" and is available at www.nogreaterjoy.org. Hope it helps!

WOW, you have our hands full and your husband doesn't quite get all the work that is behind raising 3 kids under the age of 5. Honestly, if you really feel like you are going to explode and this could be a problem with your relationship, he needs to really get a good understanding of what you do all day. So, if you are able and willing, it doesn't matter if he is, he will have no option, but when he has has 2 or 3 days off in a row, you NEED to leave all 3 kids with him and you leave the house. Truly, this will change it all for him... Good luck...

I went through a similar thing with my husband his first year of medical school. My husband was so tired all he could do was see what wasn't done. He would complain about everything. Most of it was just that he was so tired and burned out he was taking it out on me. Once my husband got used to balancing school and family things got much better. How long has he been in the Academy? Has he always complained or did it start when he started Academy? Hopefully once things settle down for him they will settle down for you too. Until then, talk to your husband, calmly, and explain how you are feeling.Validate how tired he is and ask him specifically what the things are he would like to have done most before he gets home. Talk to him about his expectations and whether or not you feel you can meet all of them or some of them. I have found that if the first room my husband enters in coming home is clean,no matter how cluttered the rest of the house is, he feels like I did something and it sets his mood for the rest of the evening. Sometimes they just don't realize everything that goes into running a house with young kids. Everytime my husband starts to get that look on his face like "what have you been doing all day" I know it is time to leave him home alone with all 4 kids for a couple of hours. He usually appreciates and understands better what I got through.

My husband can be like this too, except lately I have been doing nothing... I'm picking my act up.
However, in your case... have you ever heard the joke of the man who would come home every day and asked his wife what she'd done all day? She would try to tell him, but found that words just didn't seem to be doing much. One day he came home, and there were bikes and balls in the front yard, flowers pulled and holes in the lawn. He walked in the front door and there were toys everywhere, and one of the kids was writing on the wall. Shocked, the husband went from room, to trashed room looking for his wife, finally finding her reclining in bed, reading a book.
'What is going on?!' He asked.
She smiled at him... 'Now you know what I do all day'.

I know it's extreme, but what can you do? This is totally unfair, and something does need to be done.

Erica, I can relate. My husband has done that all along. I tried to humor him out of it, ignore him, whatever, but it doesn't go away. First I suggest you read a book by Gary Chapman. I think it's called The Five Love Languages. Figure out what your love language is and what your husband's is. Then try to relate to him with his love language. For instance, if his love language is Affection, you could greet him with a warm hug, rub your hand through his hair, knead his back, etc. Of course, initiate making love, but he needs affection outside of that. Your love language may be Words of Affirmation. If you know that, communicate to him that you need to hear him give you praise and encouraging words. That helps, but you'll also need to decide on some standards. The house smelling like food is a good thing (turn on the exhaust fan so onions don't overpower the house), for instance. If little things bother him so much, have him take care of things like the ironing board. (Hey, at least you're ironing, and it's probably for him!) Agree on some basic values you want in your house - things like Education, Respect, Acceptance. Talk to him calmly and let him know you feel deflated with his constant criticisms.

Also, if you're not in a church, I suggest you get in one, at least for yourself and the kids. I know it's work but it's worth it.

Hi, Erica!

You and your husband need to make it a BIG priority to go see the movie "FIREPROOF". Your situation sounds almost identical to the couple in the move (minus the kids). PLEASE go see it!

Also, always treat your home like you're having company over every day...and treat your husband like he's the guest coming over! You and he will both like the results!

Blessings,
S.
SAHM of 7 (2 to 14)

If he has a day or two off. Tell him that you will pretend your not there and he can do what you do for a day. Three kids at home can be exhausting! Or make a list everyday of things you do at home, then at the end of the week. Show him what you did each day, while also raising 3 children. Honestly I would just go for leaving him with the kids alone for a day or two. Lock your self in a room, and when he asks for help (and he will) tell him that you do not get help during the day. Also after sincerly tell him that you do work, raising 3 kids is work. The chores are all extra and should be shared between the two of you. Let him know you dont feel appreciated enough. I think it will help. Good Luck

I say let him walk in your shoes. Tell him if he thinks it is so easy, let him do it. I definitely would NOT take the kids with you as that defeats the purpose of his learning experience. I am sure that by the time you come home he will need a drink. When you come back, I would definitely comment on the things that didn't get done and how tasteless dinner was. After it is all over, look at him and say "that is what you sound like everyday when you come home and I cannot take it anymore. Shape up or ....

first of all your not doing anything wrong it sounds to me like he doesn't realize what it takes to raise those babies you have your hands full it's a full time job you have 24 hours a day. he should appreciate your hard work let him try what your doing he could not do it. i have a 9 yr old and a 2 yr old i like to leave them with my husband from time to time just so he see's what i do. i have gone out of town a couple of times leaving the kids in his care it really makes him appreciate what we as mothers do try that.

I would say that he definitely doesn't understand what it's like to be in your shoes. It seems to me that you need to have a ladies weekend, have him watch the kids all weekend. Only call once per day while you are away. I know that will be hard. Don't feel guilty, they are his kids too. He needs quality bonding time with them and you need him to understand what you go through. Also he is not allowed to have his or your family help, its all him. Explain that you love him but you also need him to understand what you do all day.

God Bless!

Erica,

It sounds like your husband doesnt understand the meaning of partnership. Instead of putting you down, he should be helping you. It takes 2 to raise and care for children whether you work outside of the house or not. He may need to switch roles with you for a week to see just how difficult it is. Then maybe he will appreciate you and praise you instead of making you feel like a failure. I absolutely hate negativity and people always pointing out what is wrong or what your not doing. Tell him to focus on the positives and stop complaining! Be honest with him and have a heart to heart about how he makes you feel. As a husband, it is his job to encourage and love you not demean you. Good luck!

hi! I am pregnant with our fifth child and my oldest is five. So I hear you on the toys and smells and trying to please your husband! My husband and I recently went to see the movie Fireproof and it was SOO GOOD. And I've definitely noticed a changed in hubby! It's about a fireman whose married to a working woman (no kids.) He expects her to do everything, even on his days off, and fusses at her when things aren't done the way he likes. On the flip side, her disrespect for him is obvious. On the verge of divorce, they learn how to love and respect each other again.

It was a really great movie- maybe you two can get some babysitting and go see it!

Meanwhile, learn (easier said then done) to recognize other people's expectations can't always be met and just do the best you can! Come up with a daily schedule that he can see you do these things these days and if you can squeeze anything else on the schedule you will. But it's easier to see what you're actually doing when it's written down. Don't try to drastically change what you are doing, start out by writing out what you NORMALLY do. Then if you think you can or should add something to the list that you haven't been doing regularly but ought to, write it down.

And at the end of the day is there is something on the schedule you didn't get done, if he's home enlist his help to get them finished quickly. Involve your 5 YO too! But with two babies I KNOW it's hard to get things done!

S., mom to 5 YO, 4 YO, 3 YO, 18 month old,expecting our FIRST BOY around Valentines Day!

Hello! I know exactly what you are going through. I went through the same thing 7 years ago when my husband was in the Fire Academy. Not much has changed since the Academy, I still get the what have you done all day, while I'm out working. WHAT?? I was like you but with 1 child, now we are going on #3. Just coming from a Firemans's wife, he may be stressed. I know when my husband was in the Academy, he made sure that I knew that he would not be available to help with the baby & other stuff around the house because of his studying, it is very intense and he needed alot of time away from us to do that. I also didn't complain about him helping around the house because I knew he had to focus on his schooling but it is hard not to complain, hello you have your hands full all day. Ok, got past all that and I know where you are coming from when you said about he comes home and says, "what have you been doing all day?" I've had deal with that pretty much the whole time he's been in. I am a stay at home Mom and we both decided I would do that. This is my full-time job and it is, you don't clock in and clock out like most full-time workers do. That being said, I know it is very hard not to complain, but we have that right and we don't need someone (husband) to come home and nit pick at everything that has not been done in the household, you are holding down the household while he is in the Academy, it will get better. I had to let my husband know that I didn't appreciate him coming home and telling me stuff about the house. His meals are cooked, he never has to ask why the laundry isn't done and why the kids are not taking care of. It's all done but I think it's just the mentality of a Fireman! I've spoken to some of other wives and they have said the same thing, I would pray about the situation and pray for your husband.

Blessings!

No, you are just working yourself to death, and not taking care of yourself. For starters do something for yourself,
get some help for a couple of hours 1/2 , (mothers day out),
and take time for yourself. Join a mothers club, and talk to other MOMS. Get the kids to pick up there toys, just have a big box in the living room corner they can toss to. More importantly in a kind way sit with your husbank and tell him how you feel, that you do love him and the kids but feel overwhelmed. You need his support and he needs yours. Prayers and blessings your way.

Sounds like your husband is transferring the high expectations of the Fire Academy to his home. My son-in-law is a Houston Firefighter, but did not have problems like these with my daughter--and he sure could have!

My advice is always to sit down and TALK about it with him. Explain calmly your side of the issue and ask him for his compassion and suppport (try not to cry--it could backfire on you). Perhaps he's just so tired that he has nothing left by the time he gets home. I DO know that they work them to death at the Academy--it could mean the difference between walking away from a fire and not.

Hope this helps a little.

Erica,
In my humble opinion, it sounds like he is the one with the problem, not you. You don't sound like a whiner... you sound like a great mom, who is doing the best she can. If he can't see that his expectations are unrealistic, maybe therapy would help him. Just a thought! Hang in there!

Erica, I am going to be blunt as I always am. You are doing nothing wrong here. Your husband is being inconsiderate and you should let him know this. What will happen if he becomes angry? Does he call you a whiner? It struck me as odd that you would ask what to do WITHOUT sounding angry or like a whiner. Stand your ground and tell him to stuff it if he thinks you are not doing your part as a mother. He may be stressed out at work, but so what? You and the family are supposed to be his escape, not his "whipping boy" He is your husband, not your father. There is no excuse for making your wife feel as if she is not doing her job as a mother when you know for a fact what you go through everyday. Stand your ground and get angry for a change and let him know this behavior is unacceptable. Before falling in love with my best friend and having our beautiful little girl; I dated nothing but control freaks who put me down to make themselves feel good. I hope your husband is not one of those people. Now? I have a home that gets messy at times and yes, dishes may be left in the sink at night (whoop-dee-doo!) but the house is full of LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. Find your backbone and speak your mind. Best of luck to you.

If there is an opportunity to leave the children with him for a day or weekend - do it. Even if you are not sure that he is capable. It is important that he walks in your shoes. You probably only need one day. You will see that his attitude will totally change.

Been There Done That
In the first year of our marriage my husband was in the Police Academy, he workd full time during the day and went to school at night, I worked full time too, I have two children from a previous marriage who at the time were 9 and 4.
If I knew then what I know now I would avoided alot of what you are going through now... Men were made to be leaders,rough,tough,protectors and defenders of their families. Be patient and understanding.
Sometimes men need to hear that they are doing a GREAT job, (even if we think "yeah right")try for a week and see how things go. If he takes the trash out " GREAT" job "Thanks"
every little things counts.... good luck

Dear Erica,
No my dear you are not doing anything wrong except trying to be a good wife & mother. When you had children they became
your #1 priority. Your husband needs to wake up & smell the
coffee! I'm just guessing that he has never had to watch or
take care of all 3 of them for any length of time. Your job
is 24 hours a day. His is not! He needs to be a lot less
selfish & start helping you out. You deserve a break. I
would let him know how stressed you are & that you really need
his help. If he can't do that for you then he needs counseling. You need to find a mother's day out program so you at least have some time for YOU! Just hang in there & stand your ground. Good luck!

Cindy

My husband never verbalized his feeling, but you could tell he felt the same as your husband. I had no choice but to do what the other women are suggesting. I was sent to another state for a week at a time every other week for 6 months for my company!! My husband had NEVER taken care of our daughter awake for more than an hour!! It was a rude awakening, and a very welcome break for me and a new understanding for him.
I know that it cant always be arranged to just leave, especially if he makes you feel guilty or really just no place to go etc, the other thing my husband would do if I was gone for a couple of hours is he would take her and put her on the floor with him, and he would do what he wanted, pay bills, clean garage, clean house, etc. So when I would get home, the house would always look clean, or things would always get done. It amazed me, but then I realized, that is not how I take care of her, I put those things off until nap time or bed time, because I wanted to spend her waking time playing and doing things with her. I am saying that because some times a couple of hours for you to be away doesn't work, he can do it why cant you is still there. It honestly took me being gone for a week at a time and having to do everything from 5 am to 5am daily for him to realize. Here are a few suggestions of places to go for at least a couple of hours, it was hard for me to come up with places to go as I felt guilty about "making" him watch our daughter - Get your nails done, get a pedicure, go to the grocery store, need to go shopping for some family members birthday, bible study at your church if you do not want to do those things, get in the care and drive to the nearest park and read for a couple of hours.This was the hardest thing to do, as I did not want to get the huff and puff from him as though i was putting him out by asking him to watch her. My daughter loved to be outside, so we took over the garage, most of her toys are in the garage and that is where we spent a lot of time, I didn't care what it looked like and it solved some of the toy problems on the floor in the house. the garage again is my husband domain, but he had a choice, look good in the house or the garage which no one sees. After reading this, I guess I didn't give any advice, just letting you know I can relate and if nothing else hope that helps. As far as the food smell, how about not cooking for him! I have purchase a couple of food items my husband really likes, pizza, lasagna, pot pies, etc. I fix meals for my two year old as those are simple, and he eats what he wants, doesn't make for a family sitting, but it worked for him to appreciate my cooking time and effort. I know cook dinners in the crockpot, so I think the house smells good and we eat as a family again, and they are ready when I gedt home, just put it on the table. OK, OK, enough rambling about my life, I do hope there was something you could gather to help you in all this!!

Hi Erica,,,,
I think the best thing you can do is show this letter to your husband,,and if agrees too it see some kind of counsler
Best of Luck L.

I think that it is time for your husband to have a weekend with the kids on his own. If not a weekend at least four or five hours. Meals will be needed and make sure that there is a nap time or bed time in there. That may open his eyes. Your husband needs to have sometime with the kids by himself badly even my husband how is a councilor would say that. Get a reason for you to be gone for a while after he is out of the class. He will be working days unknown number on and off but there should be some time somewhere for you to go somewhere. Good luck. It sounds like you need it.

uggg! what a jerk! Have him stay home and give him a list of what the schedule looks like for your day (he has to do what the list says)....then he will change his tune...it worked for my hubby!

Erica, men have absolutely no clue of how hard it is to take care of kids and ESPECIALLY when you are a housewive. People don't understand that you do more work by staying at home then actually physically getting up to go to a job. I am not sure of how you can explain it to him, but you might want to try sitting him down with a list of things a that he says and explain to him why all these things are the way they are. Or you could ignore him becuase you know in your heart you have been working all day. Maybe you two should switch places just for a weekend so that he can see just how hard it is to care for 3 kids. I am sure if you stopped cooking and had the house smelling like vanilla he would complain that their is no food on the table for him. I found that we are two totally different creaters and we speak different languages, it is hard for them to understand us and us to understand them. Good Luck.

Erica:

You are NOT doing anything wrong. First, let me say that it sounds like to me your husband is under stress at the Academy. Pressure to do his best and having to hold it all in --when he gets home, you are the only one he can vent to about it. Maybe you should ask him about that. And I really do know what I'm talking about....my husband is a Chief (not in Texas) of a Fire Department in a little Island community -- and I can assure you that sometimes, the stress is a bit much. On the other hand, he has a totally different personality...cared too much about how much I did......So with that said, I DO NOT agree that he should berate you about your house, the kids, etc. I bet you are a great Mother.....and trust me...when your kids are grown, they are not going to remember the house wasn't perfect...they are just going to remember the love that was shared in that house.....kids do not care about that stuff one iota!!! Look....I really do understand your frustration but the thing you have got to do is talk to your husband...don't be scared or skittish.....he has no idea how hard your job is. It's the toughest job in the world...I've been on both sides of that fence too and you have the hardest end of that one!!! COMMUNICATION..........that is the key. If your guests talk about how clean your house is, there is something else bothering your husband. Get it out now....don't be miserable. That could also have something to do with your lack of sleep girl................take the bull by the horns...for your own sake.

I try to set little goals. Right before daddy gets home we pick up the toys. He's not into a messy house but mostly I feel bad when he steps on an ankle breaker. My ironing board has been out for almost a week. I just got finished and it was only my old maternity clothes so I could take them to the resale shop. When we go to Wal-Mart which we do together all the time. That is his thing to pick up carpet freshner, candles and spray air freshner. If I get too many comments even if they are joking about why am I tired or whatever I sleep in on the weekend. I'll get up in the night but will sleep the day away. Two days in a row and by Sunday night I am well refreshed and he is dog tired from these kid. My hubby calls four times a day. This is how we keep communication going since he is gone 12 hours a day. He has a phyiscal job too outside all day. I don't hesitate to tell him I'm trying to take a nap or just sitting there. Thoughts of the weekend must remind him why I'm not just being lazy. Good luck.

This would be my solution....next time he has a couple of days off, excuse yourself and go somewhere, tell him you hope he can do better than you. And just go on a short vacation.

Nothing helps like walking in someone elses shoes.

Good luck,
D

On his next 2 days off LEAVE. Give him a written list of all the chores you do on a regular day in addition to caring for the babies. Ideally - you should spend those 2 days with HIS mother.

Don't leave angry. Have your bags packed & ready and give him no choice about the matter. Explain that you'll be gone for a day or two visiting with family.

One must be able to walk a mile in your shoes to judge you.

I did what I'm telling you and it worked. I simply got tired of the "What did you do all day" question. Well, here you go. Find out for yourself.

He needs to be taught a lesson and words won't do it or you wouldn't be where you are. It's called respect & appreciation. From your words, he has neither.

Erica,
From a veteran AFD Specialist's wife of nearly 28 years and wife to the same for nearly 32 years, congratulations on your effort in getting into this growing exclusive family and welcome! He's doing a lot of hard, physical, intensive work and it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I can't believe it's almost time for mine to retire! That retirement is worth all the 'nitpicking'. Both of you have a reason to be exhausted and he feels safe when he vents to you. He's got people on him to learn how save lives and we want him to be good at it. Call me at ###-###-#### I'm J..

Auxilliary Local 975 is a having a meet and great at the Union Hall on Sunday from 2-4 pm and YOU and the kids and the future firefighter are invited. Auxiliary to the Austin Firefighters Association, Local 975 meets next on Tuesday October 21, 2008, Regular Meeting – 6:30pm
Location: 7537 Cameron Road, Austin, Texas
CHILDCARE AVAILABLE

We can talk! My kids are grown and there are lots of other firefighter wives who can support you as you survive this trial in your and his life. Hang in there, it's a learning process for all of us. This life, I mean.

Your story really worries me. It sounds like nothing can make him happy....Are you always on edge? Is anything other than "nitpicking" going on? If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he could help out and put it in his fair share and then would understand how difficult it is to keep an immaculate house...unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you feel comfortable doing this.

HI Erica.
My husband does the same thing. When he is stressed, he will go on a "cleaning rampage" as I call it and flip out on everyone in the house for not picking up after themselves. We also have 3 kids and I do the best I can. We own a business, which I am his accountant for. I also work part time, I'm a Brownie leader, and I have 2 kids in sports and 3 kids with homework every week night. So you can imagine how much time I have to keep up with housework some days. But most days, he understands. I can tell, though, when he is real stressed that he picks on me for it. I guess it's some sort of stress relief to nag on your wife! I think deep down they know that what we do as mom's is not easy, and it is a lot of work. But if they are stressed at work, it's almost as if they are envious of our "easy life at home". And my husband is a chef and makes all our dinners for the most part. So I get a lot of flack for that, too ! So hang in there and maybe when he calms down ask him if he had a bad day or something. I'm sure after doing firefighter training he is exhausted and hot and just wants to go home to peace and quiet. I know that's how my husband is after a long day of cooking in a hot kitchen. Unfortunately with 3 kids, there is rarely peace & quiet. Maybe surprise him one night and have a friend watch the kids and make him a nice dinner with candlelight & music. And sex, of course. :)
Good luck!

You are such a better woman than me....I'm almost obbessive on making sure my husband does almost half of everything....including diaper changes....I will flat out tell him its his turn and then refuse to do it.

Notice I said almost....because as hard as I've tried...and believe me I've tried....we women still get stuck doing most of the work....

I work full time......I was torn after I had my child.....my husband started insinuating while I was on maternity leave that I didn't do anything....what's worse, His mother/sister backed him up....they never said anything to me...but he told me that he mother had commented that she didn't understand how I couldn't always get dinner made....I knew right then and there that I better go back to work or we were going to have problems....

I know and you know and most women on this wesite know that you don't just sit at home watching Oprah...and maybe some enlightened men know this too.....but my husband, your husband and scores of other husbands think it would be great to just stay home...

and just an FYI...on days I've had to work and the daycare was closed he took off....he didn't get a blessed thing done all day...I smile when he tells me how hard it was.

Take care.....if you can save a little money, send the kids to an hourly daycare at least once a month...go home and sleep!

It sounds to me like he is experiencing quite a bit a stress and not dealing with it well. Maybe you should ask him to do some personal reflection to see what is making him behave towards you that way.

As far as the things he is complaining about, it sounds like you are doing a great job!!! I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and it is the hardest thing in the world! My husband literally has NO idea what it takes to care for small children 24/7. I have been pregnant and/or nursing for over 4 years now and although I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, it is a huge personal sacrifice.

You are doing a great job and if he keeps complaining, I might take the 6 month old with me and leave him the two other kids for the entire weekend. :)

Both of you all work very hard, and are tired. He needs to start helping you out, you can't do it all. Can you hire someone to clean the house? Can you put the second oldest in day care?

Sit down, talk to each other, and come up with a plan. My husband and I work full time jobs. We only have one son who is 5 1/2, but we still get tired. Our jobs are stressful. We both work for the school district. My husband teaches computer classes from Kinder-5th grade. I work with special needs children. We sacrifice and find the time to do what needs to be done around the house.

Good Luck.

Rosie

leave him home with the kids just one day. im sure he can mange that out of his busy schedule, on the weekend maybe. you need a day, or to do something really important. men cannot multi task as well as women can, but they like to think they can n do a better job. give him the oppoertunity. just because hes a good man, father, husband, noble, whatever doesnt mean your not getting your lifes needs fullfilled. my husband is a nit picker too. he drives me crazy sometimes, and its hard to keep sight of your own worth, but remind your self, he cannot do what you can. if hes proved to have a challengin time with the kids all by himself for one day, use that as leverage every time he gripes about something. tell him he can take over any time he wants. youd be glad to have a day off, and unless he plans to do it, you dont want to hear about it. challeng makes the heart grow fonder.

Well,it sounds like you have gotten some great advoce here. I was going to suggest that you leave the house for a few hours on his day off, leave him a honey -do- list as well as the kids he has to take care of and see how he does.
I personally think he needs to step back, chill out, and praise you on what a great job you are doing instead of tearing you down.
OH, the getting a maid idea is great if you can afford one, but it will only show any MAN that you can pay someone to do stuff for you rather than step up and help your wife and family out.
Good luck.

I always had a girl's weekend w/ friends from hi school- once a year we would go out of town for a couple of days to shop and drink wine. When I had my first baby my husband said "Go." altho I'm not sure he really meant it. He figured HE could handle a 3 mo old. I left lists and enlisted neighbors to check on him. When I came home he said he had no idea how "constant" baby watching is. I made a point to leave every year after that- some years it was the only time I got away by myself! Now the 3 kids are 16,13, and 10 and I just got back from the Hill Country last weekend from three glorious days away w/ 6 friends. It truly is an eye opener to have to spend a couple of days with small children when you aren't used to it. And it is just as important for you to get away and recharge. I know one time all 3 of my kids had been whining and fighting and my husband had been giving me the "nothing ready to eat for dinner again?" look and I just walked out. All 3 kids were in the tub together and my husband was sitting in the bedroom next to us listening to the arguing and not stepping in at all to help- and I just handed off a towel to Daddy-o and said "That's it. Walked out the door, got in the car and drove around looking at Christmas lights. Would have gone to a hotel for the night except in my anger I walked out w/out shoes. When I came home 3 hours later everyone was apologetic-slightly traumatized- but that's ok, too. They need to realize you are not the robot mommy maid but a real person, too.

Yeah, tell your husband to stop being so selfish and get over himself! He doesn't appreciate what you are doing, then don't do it and let him do it and see how fast he'll stop complaining. Sorry, but he sounds like a jerk to me. He is taking you for granted and someone needs to knock some sense into his head.

Erica,
seriously, this happened in my marriage too. Get coucelling before he becomes the EX. YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to remain non-confrontational and still he is being unreasonable. Sometimes, it just takes someone on the outside to tell them to step up to the plate and act like men. They wont listen to us. Pray that he goes to coucelling. My never did and refused to attend the many coucelling appointments I went to. Doesn't look good when you are the only one there!
Good luck.

Your husband is not feeling good about himself and is reflecting that back on you. You need to start telling him what all he's great at and letting him know how much you and the kids appreciate all he's doing for you and your futures. Shower him with adoration and eventually it will come back to you. He's not happy for whatever reason and all the support and encouragement you can give him should go a long way. And in the mean time, don't let his comments bug you. If you know you are doing the very best you can, ignore his comments and chalk it up to his stress. And pray for him.

Morning Erica;

Hey, time to stand up for yourself and tell that jerk he
needs to thank God that he has you!!

Do you have any family here? If so, Let me give you a shock
treatment! Sometimes jerks need to be shocked into understanding what they have!

Pack up the kids and move to your relatives for a few days,
don't tell him where your going, let him try and figure it
out!
Another question for you, was he like this before he started
fireman training? If not, then it is coming from his pier pressures>>>>which in a lot of cases are single guys who are
totally on the make! Having had many friends in the fire department let me tell you, those guys would be classed as
"Mr. Availables" and "Mr. Service" and the single guys make
it hard on the married guys!
But, Erica, try the vanishing act for a few days and see what
happens!
Best of Luck,
B. C.

Why do mothers & wifes we awlays think we are not doing enough. When my boys were little they are 6,9,12 now little i mean babies. I think my hubby felt frustrated with the house being messy and our house looking like a day care. But that is a cycle in your life it does change. I also think sometimes hubbys are jealous or frustrated with us home or not making money. Now that all of mine are in school the house is almost always clean and dinners are getting better. I do not think you are doing anyting wrong. I have a friend and her hubby is a fireman and he likes his dinner at 5 and if it is not on the table he leaves and gets something. They are programed like watches. Have you told him about your frustrations? Husband and wifes go through so many changes and we tend to forget what is important. Your husband just may have some anxiety...i know my hubsband does. Let me know what happens. Good luck and love those babies

Sounds like your husband has a SERIOUS lack of understanding. I think if he spent a day in your shoes he would be singing a different tune! Keep your head up... I think you are doing the best you can for your family. You deserve more respect!

Sounds likemy husband when we had are youngest son we have four children 13years 12 years 8 years and two when my youngest was a baby he would complian about the house being dirty and small things to so I arranged for him to babysit on his day off I told him I had an appointment and could not find a babysitter. Now firs of all you need to let your normal babysitter in on the scheme so they can be unavailable and make sure the house is clean when you leave. It works I was not gone an hour and he was calling asking me where are you and when are you coming home. It worked my husband has not griped about the toys or the house since and he even offers to babysit every so often he also has started picking up after himself which is a amazing after nine years of marriage trust me it works.

OK, so I just read you, "how did it turn out" and Kudos for you darlin! Sounds like things may change! I'll leave in my initial response, even now that it sounds a little cold. But really, maybe every so often if he needs a reminder!...........Here it is:
Simple, find a weekend that does not interfere with his school, and leave him with the kids for an overnight, better yet- 2 nights. (go visit a sister, or girlfriend you haven't seen in a while) Have the laundry pretty much caught up, but leave a load in the washer and in the dryer, run the dishwasher as you leave out the door so he get's to put stuff away, and load new dirty ones etc... Leave a small list of grocery things that he may like to got get as a special treat for he and the kids while you are away. Have the necessities, like you always do....but give him a chance to see what it is like bring all the kids to the store- alone! Don't leave him stranded, but leave things so that he has to attend LIKE YOU DO- "TO EVERYTHING". He may have a new appreciation for you when you get home.

You need to take a vacation. Alone. Let him do what you do for 3-5 days and see if he still complains. If he won't agree to that, than he is a control freak and selfish. I'd do it anyway!

Has your husband ever been at home alone with your kids for a few days without you? (no, of course not!) I'd make this happen as soon as you wean the baby, or take the baby with you and leave him with just the other two. He'll be a changed man!
Do you have friends you otherwise LOVE who live in a very messy (or pet-smelly, etc.) house? If so, visit them as much as possible and then see how lovely your home is to come back to. The other thing I have to remind myself is that I am a stay at home MOM, not the frickin' maid. I am with my kids to play with them and do stuff with them, and because I'm here it's also nice if I can find a spare moment to clean a toilet or cook something, but when that doesn't happen...oh well! The kids and I had fun and that's what's most important right now.
Talk to him! Will he be reasonable with knowing how you feel? Maybe talk to him after sex when he's all happy and relaxed. :) You don't really need change, just some consideration and respect. Maybe he has some weird idea about what goes on when he's not home and he needs to share that with you. (I wouldn't know what that might be, but then again I'm a woman!) Three kids at home is a huge amount of work. Maybe you can make a priority list together, agreeing that toys in the living room need to be picked up daily, but laundry can wait until the weekend when he's home to help (or whatever). Get help from a counselor if you need help either getting started with this issue or staying on track. And you know what they say, if he won't go with you, go alone.
good luck, Erica! My husband once told me "I'm getting used to living in this new level of filth." Now we laugh at that. (our friend's stinky-pet house and my sister's fridge full of rotting food make me look like Martha Stewart!) We are all doing the best we can with serious lack of sleep!!! Do what you can and enjoy the kids.
P. (three boys 7,5,& 3)