My older sister has ALWAYS dated really bad guys, since we were in hs. She finally left the guy she was engaged to two years ago, and moved back home with my parents. About 3 months after moving down here, she met another guy, who I think is even worse than the old finace! So things got really bad between them to the point that she got a protective order against him and the police told her that they were more concerned he was going to do something to someone in our family than to her, because that would cause more pain to her. So my parents installed an alarm system and now everyone (at least each household) owns a gun. Which I REALLY dislike. But the police highly suggested it for our safety. Anyways, she decided it would be a good idea to move back in with him back in April...so my kids and I have not seen her since then. The kids LOVE her to death and want to see her, but she refuses to come down without her boyfriend, who I am nowhere near ready to forgive or let around my kids. I don't understand why he won't say to her "I know your family is important to you so go see them ,I'll be here when you get back." Instead he makes it a huge fight and basically tells her if she comes to see us without him he is kicking her out again. And she wants me to tihnk he is a good guy? I don't. At all. But am I being too hard? I dont tihnk I am, and all of my other siblings are the same way (two younger brothers and one younger sister). My parents are talking to him because they want to try to protect her, and that is the only reason why...but I just can't get there and have NO desire to. I'd rather not see her for awhile than be forced to sit and have a conversation of any kind with him.
Thanks ladies! I though i was on the right path, but wanted to make sure I wasn't being too mean. I love my sister to death, we grew up as best friends. But she has made a lot of really horrible choices in the past ten years, and I just don't want my kids around it. As sad as it is, I resolved myself to knowing that if anything happens to her we all know it is coming. The scary part, is that she has ALWAYS had dreams that she was not going to die of old age...and I told her when she moved back that she just signed her own death certificate. I really hope it does not come to that. We have called the police and no one can do anything until he does something - it's a messed up system.
I don't think so at all. You are being honest about a guy you think is terrible. I really don't think anyone is "protecting" her, by acting like everything is OK. I wouldn't go either, how could you really feel safe around the guy?
Your children are #1 this time. Your sister is a big girl and will have to live with her own decisions. You have to keep this guy away from your kids. Your sister has to make a choice. Period. There is no further argument to this. If he's dangerous, he simply cannot be allowed around your kids.
I'd also like to point out that guns are not a bad thing. We own several (including rifles and handguns) and raise our children to handle them with care and respect for the destructive power they represent (beginning with their first bb gun at age 7 and progressing upward as they demonstrate responsible behavior). Guns are tools. Tools can be used by good people or by bad people. I'd rather have the same tools as the bad guys than be at their mercy. Just something to think about.
Please don't let the gun thing get you down. Get the protective gear and go to the range to familiarize yourself with firing it. You should know how to fire it before you need it.
I agree with the others. If the cops are telling you that there is high chance he is going to hurt someone in your family-do you really want this guy in your home with your children. Just because they are together now, doesn't mean you and your family are safe. What is going to happen when (not if) she leaves him again. If he is going to hurt someone in her family to get even with her and he sees how much your children love her---do I need to say more. Your parents are not in the same shoes as you (that is their baby and they are willing to risk their lives to try to protect her)
Your sister has made her decision very clear, she is sticking with her boyfriend and she will not visit without her boyfriend. Hopefully, her boyfriend will mature and not cause her any harm, he seems to be the controlling type which, in my opinion, would send up a red flag and worry/concern for your sister's safety. In the meantime, try to keep in contact via phone, e-mail or texting, your kids can do the same. Try to keep in contact with your sister, as the boyfriend may want to have her cut ties with the family permanently and that would be a bad sign. Hoping your sister wakes up and smells the coffee and takes off her rose colored glasses.
V.
Do not go and be honest as to why. Someone has to be honest with her. She won't change till she wants to. She needs help, but you can't give it to her. You have to protect your family first.
He's the Dennis Leary song...
A! ess! ess! ache! oh! ell! ee!
Dangerous "sums of beaches" and children just DON'T mix. Protect your children.
Just wanted to say that if I had to get a gun for my household because of someone- that same someone would NEVER be allowed in my house or NEAR my children- no matter whose boyfriend they were.
No, you are not being too hard- your sister is being an idiot and her boyfriend is being controlling.
~C.
Sounds like classic abuser behavior and manipulation! I wouldn't let him near my house or my family. Let your sister know you are there if and when she wants to get away from him.
It' a larger issue than just you having to have a conversation with him. It's about his FORCED control over her completely, and in this case, her family as well. By holding out, he knows you know he is scum. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry you're missing your sis...hope things turn around soon.
One simple word.....NO!
I think you're making the right decision for yourself and your kids. If your parents want to see him, it makes sense that they are doing it to protect her. However, in your case I wouldn't want to expose my children to him in the least bit. Especially if the police were expressing concern. Maybe you can meet your sister out for coffee, shopping or something without him. Make is a manicure, pedicure things or something along those lines so he won't want to come
This guy is abusive, the police have warned you. Don't let him near you or your children.
Couple of things
1. PROTECT YOU AND YOUR KIDS is #1
2. Disfunctonal people want those they are consuming to be in 100% their control so letting her go to see you with out him would be releasing control and he cannot do that.
3. Your parents do not have the little ones you do to protect, she is their little one so I can understand their intentions.
4. I am having issues with members of my husbands family too, and I have to keep those I deep harmful away from my kids, I realize your kids Love HER but she has made her choice and you need to let her know you do not support this desicions; however, You are there for her if she EVER needs you!!!
I am so sorry that you are put in this position, it sucks, but your houshold's safety is what your attention needs to be on 110%. I Iknow It is easy for me to say this is your sister, how can I tell you not to protect her, but he can and prob will lash out at you if you get too involved.
Good luck and BE SAFE!!!
You've gotten, I think, enough answers to support your decision to keep your children away from this man (a decision I, too, wholly support). However, I think that maybe you need some more support and guidance in terms of ~why~ you need to keep them away, ~why/how~ you're instinctively coming up with the right answer, and ~what~ you can (and can't) do for your sister during this difficult and self-destructive time.
have you tried calling 1-800-799-SAFE (the National Domestic Violence Hotline)? I know the police aren't giving you the support and guidance you need, but, frankly, they're trained in law enforcement, not in victim support or violence prevention. you could maybe use some guidance from a pro, and that hotline can get you moving in the right direction. It's free, it's just a phone call, it's worth reaching out.
also, please please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Viol.... It would be an exceptionally helpful resource for you as you navigate this complicated situation. It takes more time than the phone call, but would be well worth it, I promise.
Good luck. I will hope for the best for all of you.
I have to agree with Kelly. I know you love your sister, however you children are you first priority. Hopefully she will come to her senses and leave him, or he matures and they can get past this. Just remember she still loves you, tell you children she loves them as well. she just has to learn to love herself more, and be there when she needs you. That is really the only thing you can do.
