Am I Asking Too Much? - Oklahoma City,OK

It is his body to do with what he chooses. I know that is not the answer you want to hear/read but it is the truth. He will do what he feels is best for him/his body could it possibly be that the pain was enough that he NEVER wants to go thru it again?

Here is an informative website:
http://www.vasectomy-faq.org/prepare.htm

Whoaa....that's a lot going on all at once. Truthfully, he might be reacting this way because of his own pain..i.e. he doesn't want to risk having it happen again. Give him a few days to think about what you asked and respond. I'm hoping he'll give you some time as well to figure out how you feel about everything. You're both going through something very sad and very recent. Take it slow. But in answer to your initial question...no, I don't really think you're asking too much. And hopefully he won't think so either once he really understands how you feel. Try to let it simmer in his head for a day or two and then bring it up again when your both relaxed and calm, and then have a very real and honest discussion about how each of you feels.

I'm so sorry for the loss you each are going through (both very different emotions though very similar). I hope you come to a decision that you both can agree on.

Well, as adamant as I am about women not forcing the issue if their husband or partner is not into any more children, I do think he should wait until you feel ready to cap this chapter in your life. How did he feel your last pregnancy before you miscarried? He may find in a few months that he's not ready to close that door either. If he is, I wouldn't push it if I were you, but I do think it's a good idea to give it a little time.

I would be upset too!! VERY UPSET. It would actually be a deal breaker for me if I didn't feel ready to have no more children with my husband.

I dated my husband for 3 years. The first year he was against having any children of his own (said my daughter with a previous relationship was good enough). I told him he had 1 year to change that because I wanted more children. He went to the next stage of "If it happens it happens"... GREAT! We got married just before our 3 year anniversary and I found out a month after the wedding that I was pregnant! He was so shocked that he was n denial the first week, but by the second week he was so happy.

I would NOT have married him and would have truly moved on if he hadn't changed his mind. Men don't view children like Mothers do...

I have a friend who is in a situation similar to yours. He wants a vasectomy but the wife (my friend) wants more children. She told me if her husband does it behind her back (which he has been threatening to do for some time) that it will be a deal breaker in their marriage. They only have 1 child together, he has 2 from a previous marriage. Someone posted earlier that it is his body and he is free to do as he wishes, just as a woman can "choose" to terminate her pregnancy without anyone's consent. Abortion, first of all, is wrong but I will not go into why I feel that way, as this post is not about a woman's rights. You are married to a man who is wanting to have a procedure done that will affect your abilities to conceive. Last time I checked, marriage is a partnership, not a one side relationship. I personally believe that BOTH partners must be completely at peace with this type of procedure. While someone else posted that their friend's vasectomy was reversed somewhat, that is not your happy ending. There is no guarantee that if your husband were to have regrets later after the fact that you would have any success like the previous poster's friend.
I wish I had advice to give other than to continue talking to your husband and tell him you are not ready for this final step yet. Is it that he has made up his mind completely at this point in his life that he doesn't want children? This is very unfair to you. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

When my husband had his vasectomy, I had to sign a paper saying I agreed with the procedure. This isn't the same as an abortion - that is terminating a pregnancy. This is permanent BC and both parties have to agree. You can call the doctor's office and ask about their protocol regarding the spouse.

I think he may be dealing with some pain as well. I would not be pressuring him. I think you are both going through a grieving process.

I do agree that in a time like this, it is not a good idea to make a big decision. Continue to communicate with him. Let him know that you are NOT saying you want another baby, you are simply saying you are going through a process toward closure of this M/C. Who knows how both of you will feel when you have healed emotionally.

Ultimately, if he wants no more children that needs to be accepted. He has a right to choose if he wants more children.

My hubby got the V about 14 yrs ago and I never had to sign anything, I am in TX. I've never heard both parties have to sign off legally. That sounds weird to me because anyone can have something done to their body if they choose.

Best wishes!

My reaction to this is from my very personal response!

My husband and I were talking about having a third. He says he is done, I longed for another. A friend of his suggested that he get the vasectomy while I was at a two week training and not tell me.
When I found out that this was suggested I told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he did this it would be the end of our marriage.
He said he would never have done as his friend suggested. I agree it is my body and his body.....until we got married.
Just as I would never go off my BC and get pregnant without his consent, he would not get a vasectomy without mine. Our reproductive health and abilities is OURS not his or hers. If we have another child it will be with both of our consent (or just God's plan) or if we have permanent BC it will be with both of our consent.
I hope that you two can talk about this more. Waiting on the vasectomy does not mean that you will have more kids. It just means you will wait to make a decision you both feel okay about.

I know exactly where you're coming from and you've got to get him to talk to you. This is the wrong time to be making such big decisions, especially not together; emotions are still too raw. I felt my family wasn't complete when my husband had his procedure. I didn't agree with it but he insisted. There was a lot of resentment from me for a long time afterward and it's taken me until just last year (4 years after the fact) to finally forgive him and get over it because it was such an emotional thing for me. I felt he had robbed me. While it is his body, this is a major decision for both of you and you both need to be on board because it will cause a major upheaval if you aren't. Oh, and I've never heard of a man needing a wife's signature to be able to get one. It's probably an urban legend since I certainly didn't have to sign anything for my husband to have his. I wish! >.<

Oh, and I would also tell your husband to do a lot of research. My husband didn't and he's actually had problems with his. Looking into it he has discovered a lot of men with severe problems with the procedure and your husband may choose to not have one. While my husband says he def doesn't want anymore children he wishes now he hadn't had it done. It also didn't (or maybe did?) help that they didn't give enough local anesthetic so he felt the whole thing. He's a complete wimp when it comes to pain and babied himself for a week over it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You left out some extremely important information. What was the situation surrounding this child? Was it planned? Did you want a child and he didn't?

Either way, I agree that now is not the time to make some life changing decisions.

i think it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask for him to wait. i hope he honors your request. you're both still healing and need some time. and it may well cause resentment on your part, and it's just so not necessary.
that being said, if he truly does not want any more children i think that has to be honored. i believe with all my heart that women should have sovereign rights over their own bodies, and therefore it's only logical that men should too. i don't think anyone should conceive unless both partners are completely on board.
i'm sorry you are going through this. i sure hope it works out.
khairete
S.

Can't get a vasectomy without someone else's signature? I have never heard of that. If a woman can get an abortion without anyone's permission, a man can get a vasectomy. Under federal HIPAA regulations the doctor can't legally require the permission of the spouse. That is the law. The law is federal and therefore applies in all 50 states.

It sounds to me that you've thought this out in a very good way. Waiting is a reasonable request, imo. A vasectomy is final just as a miscarriage is final is many ways. I agree that this may be his way of dealing with his pain over the loss of the pregnancy. I suggest that you try talking to him about how you feel which will include talking about the pain of your loss. I suggest that both of you need to mourn that loss before making a major decision about another pregnancy. And mourning usually takes at least a year.

On a practical note, he can't legally get a vasectomy without your signature. Do not sign until you're comfortable with the decision. Yes, this will create more tension between the two of you which you'll need to work out. But if you sign to prevent the tension then you'll still have your bad feelings about the vasectomy.

Hold out until you're ready to have it done. I agree that if he has the vasectomy now while you're still wanting another child you will have resentment and it will negatively affect your relationship. Deal with the feelings before anything is final.

A vasectomy is final. Waiting still allows for a child but it also allows for no child and a vasectomy later.

Later: I was wrong about him not being able to get a vasectomy without your signature. Apparently he can. I would be terrible upset if I were in your place and my husband did it without my agreement.

He should wait. You may not have more kids but you need time to heal.