Hi! This is my first time posting a question. I have two sons who are almost three in a half and almost 15 months. My older son has always been fairly difficult, literally since he was born. Early on I always considered him to be high maintenance. Later at abourt 14 months we were honest to goodness in the terrible twos and I feel as if we still are. He seems to do fairly well for a few months and then he falls apart. What has me ready to fall apart is the recent onset of being very mouthy, demanding (no patience), and bad attitude toward younger brother. Every time it is time to put the baby down from crib or high chair the older one is falling apart. Gosh forbid the younger one get into something he thinks he shouldn't. The older one is also hitting, pushing, or pulling the younger one. He is also trying to play much more aggressively almost as if they are wrestling together, but he does't seem to understand that he can't play like this. I am afraid he will hurt the younger one. I feel as if I have tried every discipline technique there is. Using time outs, taking away priviledges. I don't seem to be getting my point across. How do I or is it possible to make him understand that rough housing with his younger brother is not OK? He just doesn't seem to get the whole idea of what could happen if he were to hurt his younger brother. Is my expectation to high? Do I just need to keep being consistent? Will he ever get over this? Any advice from people who have had this experience?
I highly recommend Dr. Sears' "Parenting the fussy baby and high-need child : everything you need to know from birth to age five". Hope it gives you some new insights and strategies! It really helped us.
Hi M.,
Try this: Make a serious effort to focus on your 3 year old for 10 mins of every hour. Connect with him. Talk with him. Play with him, following his lead. I suggest this because life is so busy with two little ones. They need and want your emotional energy. If you don't give it freely, they find out they can get lots of emotional energy from you if they are naughty or hurt the younger one. They don;t care if its negative they are getting from you. They just want your focus. So give it a try. Give him 10 mins of the most focused positive attention you can muster up.. do it for three days before you decide its helping or not. You may see your three year old change before your eyes. He may be more likely to listen to your requests if he feels seen, heard and connected with you. Good luck! :)
I would suggest spending more alone time with him. He may need to know he is also important and may read into the " I'm a challenging child." Just a thought, you may already do this;-)
PS Super Nanny hits on this all the time,her books are great resources.
two thoughts:
1) he maybe needs another boy to play with who is interested in those type of things, wrestling and that. I managed to convince my first son to stop beating on his (older!) sister around two ... but heaven help any male who entered the house (which was sometimes funny when some of my friends whom I'd never seen around kids, and suddenly this two and a half year old was literally climbing all over them). In his case, he needed a whole bunch more Daddy-time (Daddy was working like 80 hours a week at that time :( ).
2) my younger daughter is now 4, but was SOOOO headstrong all of 3! One thing I "discovered," is to rethink Time Out. Here's the new Time Out: the kid is sent to a calm-down space until they are ready to come out. If they come out and misbehave, well, they weren't ready to come out. Thinking of it as a time and place to gather themselves, rather than as a (non-violent) punishment, changes the whole game. There is this set of thought called "Positive Discipline" that takes the whole thing several steps further, but I can't say I've had success remembering in the heat of irritation to be calm etc. But the "stay in your bed until you're ready to be nice" method is useful with all the kids right now ...
I have 3 kids, 1 girl 2 boys. My boys are 3 1/2 years apart and the older one (5yrs) is just awful to the younger one (20mo). The 5 year old has hyper-sensitivity (issues with textures which leads to issues with eating) but I think the bulk of his problem with his younger brother is jealousy. Part of his anger comes from not eating enough, but I think he really loved being the baby...until little brother came along and stole his place. Kids understand more that we give them credit for. Just keep up with the reprimands, the consistancy. But help him understand how he would feel if someone bigger than him was beating him up.
There is no quick fix. I wish there was because this is a big problem with my kids, something we are activly working on.
Just remember that you are a good mom and doing the best you know how! Good luck! And if you ever need to vent, just shoot me an email and I'll send you my number. :)
~V.
I really encourage you to check out the "Love and Logic" parenting books and videos by Jim Fay. The methods are fair and kind, and help parents solve childrens behavior problems. The great thing is that these techniques work with children of any age, and help in all types of relationships. Often there are inexpensive Love and Logic community classes offered in the evenings at local elementary schools. The methods involve having the child experience the natural consequences of his/her actions. Meanwhile, the parent remains calm and empathetic. No yelling, no nagging. It's great!
My older sister who has three kids gave me some good advice that seems to work with my aggressive 3yo. When your child hurts another child, go comfort the hurting the child. Tell the child you are sorry that your kid hurt them. Totally ignore the bully and just love on the kid who got the raw end of the deal. This works with my own two kids and it worked with her three kids. Not only does it teach the aggressive child that pushing and shoving doesn't get them any attention, but it shows them how to be merciful and compassionate when someone is hurting. You will be modeling many important character traits.
Have your thought it through of what would happen if he would hurt the younger one?
Another thought what is most precious to the older one? If he is older, take that away for so many minutes.
Hi M....good responses from others. I wanted to offer
something a little different. The behavior you describe
sounded similar to when my daughter was around 3 and she is an
only child. I had her tested by Advanced Pediatrics in porland and learned that some of her challenges came from
Sensory Integration or Sensory Processing. They are opening
an office in Vancouver in a few weeks. ###-###-####.
My husband and I went to parenting classes,a behavioral psych and read all the books and Advanced Ped were the first ones
that really were able to help. It cost so little to get an
evaluation and the gains are so great. I wish you the best.
It sounds as if he is having issues with the new baby, whcih I guess is sort of obvious to me, and maybe to you. However he may need some counseling, now don't freak out at that word, but some counseling to learn coping (I think I spelled that right) techniques for when he is frustrated and angry for not being the baby anymore. Even if you don't do the counseling thing, I am guessing that for a while he was an only child, and now he isn't and that is a hard adjustment for a kid that age to make. I went through it with my boys, and well you just have to be patient, and make him understand you love them both, but you need to be mom to the baby right now, and then take special time out for your oldest when the baby is asleep that is just yours and his time. Thats my thoughs for what they are worth.
It sounds like he may be trying to get attention (anyway possible). Do you spend quality one-on-one time with him while the younger one is sleeping or when your husband is there to help? Keep in mind that he used to have you all to himself! S.
