Almost 5Year Old Does Not Handle Change Normally

Does she have any type of special needs? It would help to know.

It's anxiety. My friends DD has this type of anxiety and it was so bad if they went to a restaurant they had been to before they all had to sit in the same seats and the seats had to be a certain distance from the table or she would freak out. She has carried her DD to school kicking and screaming because they had to buy new shoes (the change in shoes was the problem). My friend could not move the furniture in the house or change a bedspread to a new one. Many many other situations.

Around the age of 6 they got her help from a therapist and she was diagnosed with anxiety. She went on a low dose of anxiety meds and started behavior therapy. Things have been much better for them.

have to echo Patty K. on the special needs question. If that is the case then others can be prepared to deal with this and you don't have to deal with the stress all by yourself.

My grandson is a special needs child and has more difficulty with change than would seem normal. He has, among other things, sensory processing disorder. He's also has Asperger's tho that diagnosis wasn't made until much later than 5.

For him it was a matter of learning how to approach change with him. Talking about it ahead of time, as you do, is crucial. But it is also a matter of teaching him how to act. He has a consquence whenever he acts out. We no longer try to talk him into accepting change after he starts to scream and cry.

He's much better now. He no longer kicks, hits, or becomes physical but he does say no and often breaks down in tears. We commiserate with the way he feels when it's just tears. If he screams or acts out in any way we treat it as a temper tantrum because in reality that is what it is. He loses control. He and your daughter lose control much more quickly and over such simple things that can't be changed than the average child.

They feel out of control and need the adult to be in control and we do that by using firm language and give him a consequence. For example if he cried and refused to get on the bus, we would not try to get him on the bus. We would let him lie down on the ground if that's what he needed to do and kick and scream, letting the bus go on it's way. Once he stopped we would put him in the car and take him to school. We would sympathize with the way he feels but we wouldn't be all friendly and I'm sorry about it. It would be a quiet, calm, matter of fact trip to the school with a hug at the end and the suggestion that next time he'll be able to get on the bus.

If this behavior continued the next day then he would get a prized toy taken away or not be allowed to watch TV or play on the computer that night.

He goes to a special school and has always been in special ed in regular schools and they would not have allowed him to stay on the bus and continue to fight. They would've done a therapeutic hold, removed him from the bus and continued to hold him until he calmed down. Then they would've called his mom to come pick him up.

Unfortunately most school personnel have not been trained in how to do this. If this rarely happens at school then it's OK the way they handled it. But if they're having trouble with her physical reaction to change I urge you to have the school evaluate her for sensory and behavior issues.

I suggest that you try to first get control of the situation on your own and if that doesn't work seek professional help. She does have difficulty with change. She feels change much more strongly than the average child and that does need to be addressed. At the same time she needs to learn how to control her reaction. It's OK to be upset. It is not OK to kick, scream, and hit. She needs to learn this just as every other kid needs to learn this and the same or similar skills will help her.

If my grandson had cried and screamed about getting fastened in, I would've taken him back off the bus and sat down on the ground and held him or taken him back into the house and held him until he calmed down telling the bus to go on. She and my grandson need that extra assurance that they are OK.

Crying is OK. It is an indication that they need extra support. What helps me is to think what I would feel like if I were physically forced to do something that scares me. So, part of the way we manage a kid who has the special need because change frightens them is to give them that extra assurance. It takes thought, patience, experimenting with doing various things to figure it out.

Your daughter's need to be reassured was not met and her fear and anger escalated causing her to kick and hit. What we have to do is learn how to deal with her fear before she is out of control. I have taken my grandson to school or out of places because he was frightened.

I don't force him to do anything that isn't important. School is and so he went to school one way or the other. It's important to meet their need for reassurance. They are not just being stubborn. They are scared.

Some would say this is coddling and it can become so. It's a balance between meeting their need for reassurance and teaching them how to control their actions to their feelings. The do become angry if we don't respond with support to the tears.

Eventually, the child learns, thru our being sensitive to their feelings, that change is safe and they respond quickly to the hug and reassurance without advancing to the anger and acting out.

Along with this we do have to provide a consequence for hitting and kicking. That is never OK. At my grandson's school he is separated from the group. An aide stays with him and helps him work out his anger. The aide stays away from him and lets him kick and scream because he's in an area by himself where he doesn't disturb others. He has also been put in an isolation room when his behavior didn't calm down quickly.

At home, we send him to his room whenever his behavior is unpleasant. Same with his sister who isn't special needs in this way. Where ever we are, we stay away from him when he's physical or when we know from experience that he'll become physical. Once a child, even an adult is out of control to the point of hitting and kicking they cannot be calmed down with words.

That is where the therapeutic hold comes in. It can be taught by a therapist but I don't recommend it at this point. What I do recommend is to let her cry. If she'll accept a hug give her one. Calmly sympathize with the way she is feeling. Say, "I know change is hard for you. I bet you're scared. It's OK. You will be OK. Now it's time to get on the bus. I'll get on with you and help you get buckled." Then do that. For some kids it helps to get their agreement first. For others it works better to just start moving in that direction. Let them cry. Don't try to talk her out of crying. Crying is a good way to get rid of the excess energy emotions cause us.

You might try role playing with her about things that might change before you even know that they will. You know that there will be a new monitor from time to time; so every few weeks role play that situation. Do it several times each time.

Another thing that might help is tell stories about change. Make up the story using a situation similar to one you know she'd have difficulty with. When you get to the point that this little girl in the story needs to do something ask your daughter what the girl should do. If your daughter says she'd not do what was needed then talk about what would help that little girl do what needed to be done.

I've also learned about compromises. Last week, my grandson wanted to keep a special toy at school which is against the rules. He was very upset. I received a call from his classroom asking me to talk with him and help him get able to do his work. I knew he wanted to take the toy with him to his fathers and if the toy wasn't at school he wouldn't be able to do that.

His teacher and I talked about how school work was his job. No change. I suggested I could leave his toy at his mom's house and ask his dad to pick it up. The teacher reinforced that by saying that my grandson could do his job and I'd help him by doing this. He thought about it briefly and cheerfully said, "OK!" The rest of the day went smoothly. He went from stubborn anger, refusing to even sit down at his desk to being totally OK with getting to work. It's taken me a long time to pick up on those sort of "tricks" and I'm still somewhat shocked when they work.

And they don't always work. And it took several times of my and his parents and his teacher offering compromises before he realized that they would work and accepted them.

The transitional issues do concern me. Does she have any other issues that are a concern as well? Developmental concerns? Sensory concerns? Social concerns? Speech? I see there's the emotional disruption... does she have these meltdowns frequently where she's out of control and it's not like a typical tantrum?

I do see that you have her in Head Start. Has she been evaluated yet with a neuro-psych test? She should have one performed by the school as well as independently. The independent one can be done by any of the following: Developmental-Behavior Pediatrician; Pediatric Neurologist; Child Psychiatrist. It would pick up developmental issues and/or neurological disorders and/or learning disorders/delays.

This feels very familiar to me, as I have a daughter with high functioning Classic Autism.

K., have you had your daughter assessed by a child psychologist? I really think that you should. At the very least, they can get you help with dealing with her. She needs help, and you need to find it for her.

A play therapist may be helpful as well. She would come to your home and watch your child play. You can create a different circumstance that will happen while the play therapist is there so that she can see what happens. OR you can video what goes on so that the therapist can see.

Good luck...