My son will be 5 in March. He’s in a public school ESE program. Things have been a little rough for him, but he’s never been this bad. He would normally go 6-7 days and then have a rough day. Now everyday is a rough day, it all started when he came back from Christmas break. His class got 3 new students and I’ve been told that there’s a child in the class with severe behavioral problems and that she and my son are almost competing to act out. I’ve talked to my son about good choices and bad choices and he knows right from wrong, my question is how do I get him past this? My husband and I have tried everything!!! Were on our last option and it hasn’t worked all week. We took his toys away and when he comes home we send him to his room. You would think he would get tired of that, but no!! He is very strong willed. We reward him when he has a good day and we even set goals for good days. Like if your good for 3 days then we will take you to the park and get ice-cream and so forth. I’m getting emotional beat down with this, its just hard when my husband and I don’t know what to do anymore. If anyone has any help or suggestions I would really appreciate it.
(On Monday ) I talked to my child’s teacher’s this morning and they are going to bring another teacher into the classroom to help deal with the girl who has the severe behavioral problems. I finally got some information out of my son and he is bothered by the girl. He says “she hits me all the time, but I don’t know why because she says she likes me“. I feel pretty good about another teacher coming into the classroom to help out. The student teacher ratio will be very good ( 9 students and 3 teachers) I feel fortunate that the school is willing to do this for the classroom. Many of you asked if he could be moved to another classroom, but since this is an ESE classroom there’s not many classes to choose from. The school that my son attends only has 2 and the other classroom has over 20 kids and my sons IEP says he works better in small groups. I guess I will have to see how today goes. I appreciate all the help and advice. I was upset with what was going on and confused. My son hasn’t had days like this all year and its very ironic that it all started when the other students came into his classroom.
(On Wednesday) Well things got hectic again, so I went to his classroom to see why. Well….when they got the other new students the teacher decided to put all the kids at the same table. Before they had 3 students at each table, now there are 9 students at the same table. My son cant sit with more than 4 kids at a table. Its in his IEP that its to overwhelming and simulating for him. That would be the reason why the day starts off on the wrong foot and the same reason why my son cant do his class work. I talked to the teacher about it and I’m not sure if she’s going to change it of not. But I have an appointment to talk to the principle. It was also mentioned that they ask him to work on a puzzle or read a book for 2 mins and he cant seem to be quiet. He’s only 4, he doesn’t know how long 2 mins are?!?! I told her that and suggested she get a timer so he could see how long the 2 mins were. She responded good to that one and I guess she’s going to get one today. I really think that by changing his seating its throwing the day of for him. He was going great with the original seating arrangement, now he’s having bad days. I believe that could be “his environment change“.
Thanks for all your input!! I really appreciate the help and suggestions I have received!!!!!
The rewards need to be more immediate. A five year old has a hard time holding onto a three day time frame. Mayhap, 10 minutes of mommy time or daddy time when he is good. Visual prompts work well. For instance, a Stop sign with a smiley face in the middle. I have made high schoolers keep these on their desk with written instructions, such as "think it through" to help them remember how to control impulses.
Hope this helps
P.
Hi C.,
I am an ESE teacher for PK and I hear what you are saying. It is very typical for a child to regress somewhat with social and cognitive skills after a break from school so it doesn't surprise me that he has had some trouble readjusting after the break. Unfortunately, with all the cut backs financially they have closed some programs and now the ESE classrooms are larger and new students are coming in all the time. This changes the dynamics in the classroom and for developmentally delayed children any change can have a huge impact.
I really don't have an answer but maybe instead of rewarding, you could take away something that motivates him such as a tv show or a special toy. Being consistent with whatever you do is the key, it makes children feel safe knowing that they know what the consequences are for their behavior. It sounds like you are on the right track, don't give up!
Is there another class your son could move into ? My son had difficulties too, & when he moved into another class, he became a new child. There are many reasons he's having such a hard time, some of which he may not even be aware enough to tell you. This lad obviously needs love, compassion, acceptance from you, his parents. He is unique, as is each child.
Promising something in 3 days is difficult for kids to accept. How about just doing things
spontaneously when things work well, & offering much cuddling, rocking, telling or reading stories when he's had a rough day ? I think you're wearing yourselves out. Life is for fun, not for having everything running perfectly. . .they never will!
Teach him to wash the dishes, or knead bread. Both mess things BIG TIME, but this makes a kid actually be someone providing an important thing to the family. You may have to re-wash the dishes, but by the time he's 6, he'll do a fine job. He can sweep up the flour from kneading bread. Both take lots of time & energy on his part, & you can watch & not rescue when it's his responsibility to do his "job".
Good luck! Patpanda
Are you using short-term rewards and consequences with him in addition to the long-term ones? Three days of being good at that age is an impossible length of time. Especially if he's ESE, depending on what his specific accomodations may be. You may have more success with some small day-to-day rewards to keep him motivated in the short run and some immediate consequences if he doesn't comply. The other thing to do is consider having his class changed. (Wait about 2-3 weeks until after FCAT - even though he's probably too young to be directly impacted by the state testing, the school is apt to be too busy to make schedule changes until the tsting is over with.) Chances are, both your son and the girl are receiving peer approval and support for their bad behavior if they are actually competing to outdo each other. They wouldn't waste their time if nobody was giving them a positive response. You could have your school's behavioral specialist anonymously observe the class to see what the other students' responses to the problem are and how the teacher handles it. (You can't observe your son or he'd act completely different and you want a realistic perspective.) If the other students are feeding his behavior, or if the teacher isn't effectively redirecting him, then your best bet may be to move him to another class where he doesn't have an audience or a competitor. And check what he's eating. After Christmas all of the kids get a little restless, but they also tend to have ready access to an obscene amount of sugar from Christmas, Valentines Day, St Patricks Day, etc. He may be hyper and acting out because he's getting a lot of candy from somewhere.
Hi C.,
Has his behavior at home changed as well, or is it at school only? My DD went through something similar in kindergarten.
Could the school's behavior specialist come in to do an observation? It could be this new student's behavior is making your son feel unsafe or uneasy and he is "acting out" to express this. All behavior serves a function-and if he is acting out every day then something has changed in his environment. Are the discipline methods as positive as possible in the classroom? Kids, especially those on the autism spectrum(Sorry, I do not know your child's exceptionality), respond to positive behavioral support.
I know that this is hard, hang in there-you're a great mom for helping your son!
The bad behavior at school between these two needs to be dealt with by the teacher as well. She needs to not allow that in her classroom.
Have you thought about changing his class?
I think sending a 4 year old to his room after school everyday is not the best choice. He's still a baby so to speak and isolation is a harsh punishment for someone that age.
Rather than punishing the bad behavior to no avail. I would suggest you do something to change the behavior altogether. Which really needs to start with changing his class or asking the teacher to move the girl out of her class.
For the most part at this age kids will mimic the behavior of others. You wouldn't want him to be around someone that was loud, obnoxious and using foul words or hitting his girlfriend or wife, so treat this as the same type of situation. It's your job to teach your child what behavior is acceptable and what is not and I would put it to him that way if you move him.
Tell him we are moving your to another class because the behavior you are learning from said girl is not appropriate and we don't want you acting like that.
He really needs your guidance and love and protection right now.
Good luck
Well,
I am a bit overprotective, so take that in stride! I would want to go and observe the school day for a few days. I would have the teacher understanding that my sole purpose is to understand what is taking place. If there is a problem in school, it would probably be obvious to YOU his mama what that is. If you see it for yoursefl and work with him right then and there at solving it, your power has grown 10 fold over trying to create repurcussions after the fact.
You know, when there is a problem, you ahve witnissed it. You can pull you child aside and discuss the situation with him gently. Get him to a point where he understand it. He is a child, of course. We can't assume they see the obvious. I see parents do that "HOW COULD YOU? YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT! YOU DONT TAKE SOMEONE ELSES TOY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! AAAHHH!"
Geez, I can't listen to that. You know, a frank conversation. This is why what just happened has caused a problem. How do you feel about it. What do you think so and so thinks, etc. A Coverstaion.
Then you give them the tools for a solution.
I don't know any of the details, but if my child were having a behavior problem in school, I'd want to know why. Are they giving him sugar at lunch? Is someone picking on him? Is he feeling insecure or disadvantaged? What's going on? Anything the teacher tells you is hearsay. You need to witness it for yourself I hesitated to say that right away until I saw that you do Pampered Chef from home. This indicates to me that you might have time to go observe.
I think he's stressed at school. Then when he comes home he's punished. Where is the happy relaxation and acceptance in his life? I could be wrong. It's hard to know unless you're in the situation.
Your doing well by caring enough to seek help. Good job Mama.
go to the website http://www.getreadytoread.org and download the kindergarten readiness information for you and for your teacher. There are valuable checklists and strategies that will alllow you to work together as a team. If you can spend one day in his classroom to observe, you will be able to help him with plans for general routine procedures that he may not yet have developed. You will also be able to better understand what he is trying to explain to you about his day and the consequences. Sometimes just a change in line position or seating can make a world of difference.
You had many great responses but no one mentioned reading books to him like... Grover's Bad, Awful Day by Anna Dickson or Its Hard Being Five! by Jaime Lee Curtis and there is a great series of "feelings" books called Lets Talk About...and The Little Critters series.
These books are great because they express alot of feelings your son is experiencing and help him to open up about his specific feelings and then you can then help him figure out ways for him to deal with them. I have had several great conversations with my son during reading time and I will give alternative "suggestions" or now he has begun to think and share with me solutions to his school and social issues for him to try. These books also help me to understand what is going on with my son- because he relates to the characters in the books and sometimes we will read a book, then a situation occurs, and my son is better prepared for it.
Becoming five years old and beyond is about developing more complex thoughts and feelings. Some times kids act out because they do not know how to deal with their anger and frustration -- I know many adults like that too- LOL- so everything you can do NOW- will help develop emotional maturity for the future--- or what I like to call "Life Lessons!"
HI Coleen,
My post is an exact example of how people think totally different and how noone is wrong but opinions differ.
I have to totally disagree with what Tiffany says and agree with DeLise.
On one hand you hear that isolation is a harsh punishment, and "It's your job to teach your child what behavior is acceptable and what is not and I would put it to him that way if you move him." like he is old enough to understand.
In my experience young children only learn from "cause and effect". I believe you are doing the right thing and only perseverence will bring results.
Its hard, but it does work. Use your common sense (like you obviously have been) and keep slogging on.
I just wish people would understand that a teacher is there to teach academics - not good behaviour and manners - that is a parents perogative - and should be dealt with as only the parent see fit.
Keep up the good work & pray for patience (God knows we all need it!).
F.
My child went through this when she started school. She had been in daycare most of her life, but when she started kindergarten it was like a switch went off! I hated kindergarten, and decided that if that was what school was gonna be like, well forget it! LOL! We started seeing a therapist, for what I thought would be issues due to the fact that her mother left her at such a young age, and never calls her or anything... turn out that she has ADHD. She is in second grade now, and we have almost ALL good days, I mean she is 7 and is gonna push, but there are more good than bad! We didn't want to medicate her, but it is so hard for us to stay on the same schedule being as my husband is military and gone a lot. We have finally evened out her meds, and she does great! I feel for her because I grew up with ADD, and I didn't want her to have to take all the meds, but it has been just great. I'm not saying that your child has problems like this, but maybe try a therapist, you'll learn a lot to. I know I did!
