Almost 4 Year Old Daughter Running House Hold HELP!

I strongly reccomend that you consider an evaluation with a child psychiatrist-it doesn't commit you to treatment of any sort, but it might help you and the family name what is going on with her and get you connected to a child/family counselling team to assist you in sorting this out.

You have a lot of great advice on this board that makes a lot of sense!

I also have a 4yr old that referred to the TV as HER TV - When I heard her say that, I decided that she is watching way too much TV! :) So the TV goes off after a couple of shows in the morning and back on after dinner to watch a show or movie together as a family. TV should be a priviledge not an appliance like I was using it.

Get her more involved with responsibilities around the house - She can sweep the kitchen floor, help you fold laundry - match socks (even if she doesn't do the job perfectly, it's good practice, and she's doing stuff with you, more attention and bonding) Go for a walk around the block, collect leaves

She's old enough to follow simple directions, and be proud of herself for a job well done. This will build her self-esteem, too.

I let mine spend more time on her art and practicing letters, making cards for family members (no occasion necessary) so we can mail them. If I'm busy making dinner - then she gets to watch TV if she's had good behavior up until then. Same with the other kids - Get them "unplugged". If they want to play video games - they also need to earn it - How about setting up alotted time slots? So everyone understands taking turns.

I also have a 12 yr old. I noticed that the longer she spent playing Play Station, the more impatient and grouchy she became afterwards. She doesn't play violent games, I think it is the constant brain activity and not enough physical activity to match. They get overloaded with energy.

Yes, your husband needs to be your strong supporter. If he knows that the family will be more peaceful when the rules are followed, I'll bet he will be more helpful. (Mine's the same way - too soft)

Younger kids can get frustrated when they have a hard time expressing themselves with their limited vocabulary - Her emotions may be a lot for her to handle especially when she's got older siblings that can overpower her.

I can't even begin to say I feel your pain! I have had my fair share of problems with one! You sound like you juggle quite a bit! One book I found very helpful is "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. Lots of good advise. The other book I have as well which helped was "Laying Down the Law" by Dr. Ruth Peters. It requires a TON of patience, so good luck, I wish you the best!! I also agree with Tanya W., this is going to HAVE TO BE a group effort. The stress shouldn't all fall on your shoulders! God Bless

Sounds like you have your hands full. It also sounds like you are doing a lot right!! My son, who is now 5 also had a bad temper with me. He responded very well to sticker charts for good behavior. Also I found that if I was able to devote 1 on 1 time(no tv,no cleaning no phone) for a short period a couple times of day he did much better. He is a very sweet boy and understands different ways to express his feelings in an appropriate manner. Good luck to you, hang in there!!

T.,

I think you need to sit down with the rest of the family and explain to them they all need to be "on board" with the family discipline, or else it just won't work.

I think you might have an easier time talking about this if it's a more formal talk, and you have everything written down in advance, so just in case it gets a little emotional and disorganized you can make sure you've gotten out the information you want to.

Also, it's probably best to talk to your husband about it first, as they always say it's best when the parents present a united front, and it seems like your husband needs to hear that message....mine is kind of like that, too. I always thought he'd be the tough guy, but I'm stricter. And we have a boy!! I'm the one who "means it" when she says no, and I have to remind him sometimes, that it's not OK with me to "just let him....(whatever)" after mommy said no.

i think you need to lay down the law with the other family members. as soon as you get their support, i believe your daughter will starting acting better. it's easy to sense when there is a break in communication between the adults, and she's taking advantage of that. i believe, once everyone else is onboard with what you want and how to handle your daughter, over half the battle will be won. also, you might want to ask your husband what he really wants as a parent and as your husband. if he's not going to support you in your decisions and continuously give in to her, it's gonna wear on your relationship as a couple as well. being a stay at home mom is more draining than any job i can think of because you're constantly giving, there's no take in that job. so, your family needs to learn how to respect your wishes in discipline and in how to properly interact. if the boys are egging her on about the t.v. and xbox, then take it away from all of them. maybe that will give them incentive in helping out more with her. you're going to want all this taken care of before she gets to school. good luck with everything.

Hi T.
First of all take a deep breath! Ok now pat yourself on the back for not losin it. Alright,in response to your outcry, I have a daughter that just turned 4 and does the same thing or rather did. Things have mellowed out here but it still goes on a little. With this behavior I had no luck with the corner or timeout. I got the bright idea one day to just sit her down and talk. Now you probably think I'm crazy about now but it worked. I know my daughter has a sensitive side so I let her know that those things hurt my feelings. To my great surprise and joy she not only understood(after many examples)but straightened up. Maybe this will work with your angel. Send me a message if you want more details of the talk. Good luck and remember you are a great mom, you can do it! Sincerly B.

You not only have a problem with your daughter, but with the rest of the family also. As one woman suggested, you will need to sit down with your husband and have a real talk with him about his support of YOU, not pampering his daughter. He is just making the situation worse. Then have him take the 4 year old to the park when the older kids are at home, so that you can explain to the older children that you need their support, or their young sister is going to end up hurting someone seriously. She is heading for big trouble as a bully. Also explain to them that the next time she has a fit you are going to put( not throw) her on the floor(preferably carpeted). You are going to sit on her knees and hold her arms out to the side by her wrists. You will hold her this way until she calms down. You will sit on her knees so that she will not be able to kick you. You will hold down her arms at the wrists so she will not be able to scratch you. She may spit at you. She will cry that she cannot breathe - she will breathe when she needs to. she will turn red, very red. You are to remain on her until she is calm - maybe half an hour. When she is calm, you hold her in your lap and tell her you love her, but she CANNOT act that way. It should take only a few times of this and she will get the message - YOU WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT BEHAVIOR!!

This method was told to me many years ago by a pediatrician. It worked on my son, who at the time was 6 years old and had broken several house-hold items. I had 5 children at this time ages 2-12. One thing you must do before you put her on the floor is to turn off the stove. Tell the rest of the family what you will be doing to prepare them for what is happening. If they can't take it, to go outside. They cannot interrupt you. You cannot answer the phone, lunch or dinner may be late. Her behavior is the most important thing right now!!

The first time it may take as long as half-an-hour. Next time less, until she not longer has fits, but is able to control herself. Then you might have to threaten the rest of them that they better not goad her into any more fits. This may sound archaic, but it is not cruel and does work. Good luck!

C.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have control over your household... You've probably heard it a few other times from other mothers, and by watching "Super Nanny", but consistency helps. Also, your husband is making it harder on you with his behavior. Sit down with your husband, and the both of you should talk about "required discipline" with actions. (ex.) If she screams or hits at you, calmly get down to HER level, tell her her bahavior is unacceptable and give her a 4 minute time out AWAY from everyone else. Ignore any and everything she does on that time out. When she is done, explain to her why that is not ok, and reward her when she does well. If dad doesn't help control it, he's just as bad, and kick his rear end in gear. Good luck to you!

Well, I only have 2 children. Ages 2 and 3 months. But almost everything I've read and other parents have told me that it is key for both parents to be on the same page when it comes to disciplining children. It's not fair to you for Dad to be the "good guy" in this situation. If the older children are egging her on try to get that to stop. I don't have much experience with older children so I can't really say much on that. Anyway, I wish you well.

H. H

Have you read Indigo Children?

Hi T.,
I'm a stay at home mom, but I only have one daughter to deal with. She's just about 6 and I've never had these kind of problems. I do feel sorry for you. I have nephews that are out of control sometimes, though. I've done my fair share of watching super nanny though, and I would recommend you submit an application. It doesn't sound like the problem is rooted in your daughter, but your husband and older children. Super Nanny can't stress enough to those families she helps that the parents need to support eachother and back up eachother. Maybe your husband needs to be taught that discipline is a great form of love as well as hugs and kisses. She will grow up much happier if she is more under control. Have you tried discussing her attitude and discipline with him and asking for his support as well as from the other kids? I also agree that the other children need to enforce her good behavior and not egg her on. That would be punishable in my household. I wish I had better advice to offer, but it's not an easy road. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your family can come together and make this situation better for all of you, especially your daughter. I'm sure she's not happy when she's kicking and screaming any more than you are. So many parents don't do anything at all, but I hope you find a good solution.

Well unfortanatly until you and your husband become one in disceplene and he quits becoming her saviour your not gonna have much luck. We have the same problem with my stepdaughter. My husband coddled her because she came from a broken family. Well she has to have the same rules as her brother (our son), and if she didnt like it she would go run to daddy for him to save her. We now have 7 year old who is mouthy, talks back, likes to have the last word, and when she doesnt get her way will throw a fit like you would not believe. My son is 4 and has tempertantrums, but nothing like hers. She screams like someone is murdering her, and when we dont go in there she screams louder, they have been known to last anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour. Since my husband and I have become one in disceplene her attitude has changed. She still does her stuff, but we call her on it right away, and she doesnt get away with it.

Turn the TV off, unplug it if you have to this is the infulence that is hurting you! Make her entertain herself with other toys. No computers or video games either. Take the sugar out of her diet as a result of her choices. Remember to let her suffer the consiquences of her choices not punisher her for making bad decisions. Remember the term "Divide and conquer." this is what she is doing since your husband doesn't follow through. You need to let him suffer the consiquences of his actions also by leaving the minute he gets home to have a minute or couple of hours of peace for yourself. Try loveandlogic.com

consider having her evaluated for behavioral disorders. You could start with your local school districts early intervention program for 3-5 year olds - they could at least point you in the right direction for further evals. if needed. She might have some sensory issues that she is not able to verbalize yet.

it could be maybe she was spoiled too much and is now having tantrums because things have changed... then you will all (the family) will have to agree on how to deal with her and stick to it til she gets used to .. and keep sticking to it.

It seems to me that the problem is not so much with you and your daughter but with how the older kids and your husband do to encourage her bad behavior. next time she does something bad like trying to take away the xbox let her and make them get angry with her they encourage her to disobey you by undermining everything you do with cuddles and affection when she is in trouble. I know it can be hard some times when you think that a punishment is too harsh but your husband especially should be standing by your discipline and maybe the next time you see your sons egging her on they need to be punished as well also when she acts up in the store maybe you should stay and make her sit through the shopping because it sounds like she wants you to leave and you are just doing her bidding. I have come to learn to just ignore what the other shoppers around you think because if they have a problem with it it's their own business and not yours but most people understand.