Alimony and Child Support for Sahms

I don't think many woman assume they could continue to stay home if their marriage ended, not unless they are married to someone very very wealthy. But the fact that I would need to go back to work in the unlikely event that my marriage ended soon is no reason to not dedicate my self and my time fully to my children now. In no time at all they are in school full time and at that point many of us then go back to work part or full time.

I am actually a little confused by this question, it seems you think all SAHM think we can be one even if we are a single parent, but most of us know that is not the case, that is part of the reason I am so thankful I have had the opportunity to stay home with my kids for so many years already.

My personal opinion is that a woman should always be a position that she is capable of supporting her kids even if she is a SAHM. I believe that every woman should further her education so that she is able to support herself and her family if need be. The reality is that no one can fully support a family making minimum wage. You never know what will happen in life and when it may become necessary for a woman to work when she previously did not.

I certainly believe in child support. I also believe in alimony to the extent that a woman can get back on her feet following a divorce. However, I do not believe that alimony should be a life-long thing either.

Not all men have morals and values. Some men only think of themselves, as evidenced with your ex-husband.

Man. there is so much to say. I get you are angry. And feel slighted because your ex-husband turned out to be a jerk. However - what stopped your from going out and DOING? Why not be the shining example to your children of how to pick yourself up by your boot straps and succeed? I'm sorry that your ex-husband turned into a jerk. To balance that? I know several women who turned in to bit**es and made their ex-husband's lives a living hell.

My girlfriend divorced a loser of a husband (didn't like him from the beginning!!) and for two kids under 2 (she had Irish Twins) she got $300 a month in child support. What did she do? She didn't wait around for the courts to determine what she should get...nor did she wait around for the jerk to pull his head out of his rear end...she went out and DID. Finished her degree - she now holds a Masters and will be going for her PhD next year.

If my husband were to divorce me - I wouldn't be sitting back waiting on him to pay - although I doubt that would be an issue - I would be going out and DOING.

guess it's a matter of perspective?

It would be a rare man who would have enough money to pay for an ex-wife to stay at home even if it is paying for the care of his children. In fact, I've never heard of this happening in my middle class world.

Yes, it's good for every one to consider the what ifs of the future as a natural way of living without being consumed by them. Are you suggesting that all women be prepared to work outside the home? That would be unreasonable. Why spoil the happiness of being a SAHM by focusing on what may not happen? I suggest it's much better to focus on making today work today and let the future take care of its self.

I just don't see the value of warning women that they may have to support themselves some day. Even those who don't divorce may have to support or help support their families. It's a fact of life but not something to stress over.

You found a way. So will everyone else.

I have a few friends that are divorced. They are all receiving a very fair amount of child support, but I suppose child support is based on the fathers ability to pay. One friend who was a SAHM is also receiving alimony, but from what I understand it is just supposed to be while she retrains to go back into the work force. Another friend is receiving alimony, just while she is on medical leave from work. When she goes back to work and is at her full pay then the alimony will stop. Anyway, I don't expect that if my husband and I were to divorce I would continue to be a SAHM.

I'm not divorced, but my friend is. She gets 3250 a month for child support and an additional 1250 for alimony. She got 1 year of alimony for every 2 years they were married. I'd say that's more than enough to live on.

Agreed on the "be prepared" business.

There are a lot of factors. For example, when my DH and his ex split, after about a year he gained primary custody. She was SUPPOSED to pay CS, but we received very little over the years. I disagree with his choice not to call her on it, but it's an example of how someone can have custody and no CS. Or my mom had a case open with Child Support Enforcement but it's hard to get money from someone who is constantly on the move to different states and works under the table. And my late BIL lost his good job (due to his drinking) and my SIL has struggled since. Unfortunately for his kids, he died after the life insurance payments ended (she couldn't afford it and he didn't bother).

So, yeah, what SHOULD be and what MIGHT be are different things. In an ideal world nobody would need to be divorced. But since we do not live there, if anything happened to DH, I would be back in an office. I would appreciate the support but not totally rely on it.

I've known men who quit their 200k jobs for 50k jobs to bypass giving their ex money. In the one case, the women lived in a very expensive house. You can always downsize. I also know that my hubby would never become that much if a dick. He loves his kids too much, and me for giving them to him.

For me, i take comfort in knowing that half of our money and assets is MINE. There is enough money there that i can retool myself and earn a reasonable income in a few years time. I may drop a few income tax brackets, but im resourceful. id get by.I also know I can get a variety of entry level jobs based on my past education and work experience making enough to pay for a small apartment without alimony and/or child support. I lived on peanuts for years. I can go back to being poor. It would suck, but I wouldn't have to sell all my stuff to live.

Just saying that yes you are doing a service by warning young women. I was at the crossroads of these decisions years ago when I got divorced. I wanted to be a stay at home mother, loved it and would have done that forever. I did not find myself ever bored. What I did find myself in was a crazy, scarey, awful marriage. I turned down alimony and accepted child support. Which I got sporadically. My exhusband's retirement funds were split and young and very naieve, I took a portion of it and bought a house. No one warned me til the tax season came that I would be paying early withdrawal penalties to the IRS to the tune of thousands of dollars-several years. Fast forward without telling my life story, things turned out all right, but always be prepared somehow-whether it is being educated enough to care for your children, save (I say this all the time -hope some do this) save, save at least twenty dollars a week so you have an escape route. Do the math -it adds up in one year and it is not missed. If that's too much, save less. empower yourself.Do something. Know that there simply are no guarantees. Even the nicest richest man can change during divorce. And if you are in low paying jobs or are not educated take a little time, even one class at a time to get yourself a possible future.
I have a sister whose husband was recently tossed out of his job because he was accused of doing something bad (it's probably true but well..) and she works just about minimal wage at hers. He was let go for a very serious reason and she is scraping trying to survive. She should leave him but doesn't because she is more afraid of the unknown than what she has. Which is terrible. Long ago when she worked a few hours here and there, we had a hunch he'd reach this end she was warned and didn't do anything. I fear for the outcome.
Good luck to you-you are very brave!

i am an educated stay at home mom. if my husband decides he can do better, we split everything in half (all our assets are in both of our names), and i quit being stay at home mom (which i don't like to begin with) and i will be able to support myself and the kids. and probably fall in love again. so i get you are upset with your situation but i think you can go out and get your life back together. don't waste anymore time on your ex.

It's different for everyone. I am getting child support and alimony, and basically continuing to manage all of my husband's money and pay him what's left, but that's OUR situation. I always did control the money, I always have been the full-time parent and household manager while he travels non-stop, and he was caught cheating numerous times. He'd be crazy to wast money taking me to court to try to withhold anything from us, and according to several lawyers I spoke to, I can pretty much write things up how I want them and have my husband sign to save everyone a headache. My husband is fine with this since I have always been a trustworthy money manager and to this day I save and never take more out of the account than we need. The attorneys I spoke to said there wasn't a judge in PA in OUR situation who would kick the kids and I out of the house or not award me alimony as the sole full-time caregiver of the kids.

This isn't the case for EVERYONE though. What if my husband was an a-hole who didn't want to pay anything? I'd have a much bigger problem on my hands.

My position isn't secure either. His finances are sporadic as a musician so it's feast or famine and I'm always saving for rainy days...and if he gets a new wife or serious girlfriend, she may start pressuring him to be less friendly about letting all of his money go to us. But legally we're covered and we have some time for me to figure out an income going back to my old job or whatever, so I'm very lucky.

Everyone's situations are different.

I agree with others. Alimony is provided to those moms tht need it to get back on their feet and child support is based on both parents income time at each house to provide for the children. At some point the sahm will have to get up and provide for her children as well. U are no longer married to that lifestyle and now are a singe mom and at one point will need to go back to work or retrain for a job . Unless u find someone see that will support u. Your ex husbands duty is to the children not to supporting you the rest of your life, you left tat behind when u went through a divorce.

I have not been in that situation, but I'm not sure it's at all realistic to think that an ex-husband could afford to pay his ex-wife enough money to completely, 100% support her and the kids and still have enough to pay his own living expenses.

As much children can benefit from having a SAHP, they really can be happy and healthy and even thrive if they have to go to daycare. Find the right child provider, and the kids will be just fine.

I don't have personal experience, but I know several divorced, non working (or part time working) moms and they are doing more than fine, financially anyway.
Of course I live in a very wealthy community in California so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it!

Some of this stuff just plain sucks, big time. I had a friend whose husband took out a $5000 bank loan while they were separated, and though I don't remember how he did this, SHE was solely responsible for paying back the loan. It took her two years to pay it back.

I also knew a man who had GROWN kids, and his wife was a school teacher. She took out student loans in order to get her master's degree, and he went in the computer and pretended to be her to take out the absolute maximum amount of money he could borrow, in her name, without asking or telling her. He took that money, left her, and SHE was stuck with the debt.

There are some terrible people out there, Sammy. I DO believe that women need a credit card in their own name. You are right about that. When my daddy died, my mom went through hours on the phone with the credit card company getting her name on the credit card without his. She is on a fixed income and had to "re-qualify", which may sound like no big deal. But she lost the favorable interest rate that was on that card which actually paid off their car loan every month. She ended up having to bite the bullet and pay the entire thing off because the higher interest rate became higher that the original interest rate the car finance company initially charged. She and my dad had obtained that card specifically to have a low interest rate alternative to pay that car off. It should have been in my mom's name in the first place, since she was in better health. She just didn't know any better.

I do think that many women have crappy divorce lawyers and they end up settling because they are so hurt. Men seem to be so much better able to "move on" when it comes to money and dumping their spouses...

Your friend that owns the business should just go get a different job and close the business, and go back to the court and get this changed. Later on, if she wants to, she can re-start the business.

Your ex is a lazy man, and a jerk, Sammy, plain and simple. It would be one thing if he had taken the waiter job out of desperation because he couldn't find a job in his field. He didn't want to, and he didn't want to support his children either. I'm sorry you got stuck with this kind of man in your life.