Aggressive Child

I totally feel your frustration. Being that you spend so much time with this friend, I wouldn't think she would be offended if you started to model proper parenting and discipline. I would start every playdate by talking to both children saying to them, " We are going to play together for a little while, but we need to remember to be kind to our friends. When you get mad at her/him, do we hit or hurt our friends? Noooo...of course not silly, we love our friends! We need to remember to be kind to our friends and not hurt them. If she makes you mad, you need to use your words and tell her that you don't like it and you can tell the moms, too. If you forget to be kind to your friends, and you hurt him, you will get a time out. If you keep hurting her, then we can't play anymore. After we play nicely, we can ave a snack before we go home." Bring some fruit snacks to have as a reward for a nice playdate to give before you go. I would intervene every 15 minutes or so and ask if they are having fun and being kind to their friends. Praise them for being so nice and make sure to stand up for a child who might be being treated unfair, for example: Suzie, Josh doesn't like it when you take his toy, did he have it first? I know you want the toy, but you need to ask if you can have it, and he can say no. Maybe you need to find something else to play with and Josh, if you are ready to share, you can be kind to your friend and let her play with it, too. It's so nice when we share with our friends". If the day is going sour and the kids are having a hard time, you can say to your friend, well, it looks like the kids need a break, besides it's close to nap time, lunch time, etc. Call me later and we'll keep talking or we can get together tomorrow. Take care girl, and then just go home. Sometimes a stressed out, frustrated child needs the grown-ups to put off what they are doing to tend to their need for some alone time, or rest time. Encourage your friend to seek counseling at a Child development center. WE have a place here in Jacksonville, FL called Child-Find. There are many child advocate and counseling centers that offer free counseling and assistance. having a chance to talk with someone with a PhD in child behavior is so beneficial to both of them. Best of luck and prayers for your friends family.

My advice would be to love on the child who is hurting, but don't totally stop their play time together with your daughter, it might be all that is keeping him sane, just limit it before it gets aggressive. There might be a certain trigger that gets him going in their play, see what that is and distract it to something more positive if you catch it in time. Punishing the child is not helping, because it's more of an emotional aggression that he can only express in his little way and that might be hurting more than helping. Love on him and distract from the behavior so he can see there is more to his surroundings than fussings and fights. Good luck.

If it's not enough that we go through frustration as children, even in a happy home (teething, wanting autonomy yet wanting mom and dad, learning new things, food dislikes and likes...etc)
But this little guy and your daughter, you and your friend are hanging together through a stressful, hurtful time. And the tension is going to build up. It needs a constructive outlet...
First to mind is a punching bag...In other words, re-direct the frustration and anger to the inanimate object. Explain that it won't hurt the object, it will release that negative energy. Also, noone gets hurt.

Another thought was to have/let him throw (perhaps a ball) into a target. Just tossing a ball means nothing; but directing the ball will mean something, even if it's subliminal...
Maybe in the yard. This will let off the steam as well. Then reward the kids for using their energy in a positive way, reinforcing that it's OK to be upset; but not ok to be hurtful to oneself or others. I think you get the gest...we've all got to vent; but in a safe and productive way. Then everyone can sit down for a laugh fest. This releases tension, too; and teaches how to manage - not control - these bursts of anger. Maybe even dad will use this method, too, rather than hurtful words...
Hope this helps.
Blessings, S.

Hi M.- You seem to have chosen your words very carefully as to not mention whether this other child is a boy or girl. Not that it really matters. The poor kid sounds angry inside. You also didn't mention how the child has progressed with speech. Does he/she have the ability to voice his anger or frustration? If so, then my advice is this. Stay in the room with them as much as possible. When a situation happens, try to figure out what is going on that sets the child off. Explain to him/her what he/she is feeling and what the appropriate response is. Also, explain that if he/she keeps biting, kicking, etc your daughter, you and his/her mommy will have a talk about the two children not spending any time together right now because your daughter doesn't like being hurt, especially by her friends. Also, explain that it is your job to protect her and you cannot continue to allow him to hurt her, its just not acceptable. Appeal to his developing sense of empathy and point out her tears when she is hurt. Ask him, "Do you like knowing you hurt her. Look at her, she is crying!!"

If, on the other hand, there is speech or developmental issues, I would explain to your daughter the inability of expression and explain why the child acts out. Then explain to your friend that until the aggression issue is worked out, you would feel better if they played in a supervised room.

If she is your friend she will understand and be just as concerned for your daughter's safety. You are without a doubt in a very difficult situation and I hope you can protect your child and keep your friend. Good luck.

Hi, I feel your pain but..... one thing about being a good friend is to be honest about a situation. This is happening and trust when i say it is affecting your relationship with your friend. So my advice to you would be to find a subtle way to tell your friend about the problem and then both of you can address the child. Working together to help him and to address his anger issues maybe get him to talk about what he's feeling and what to do when he feels angry instead of giving time out give him lots of time in this is the time he needs it most.

good luck

Since the mother already knows there is an issue why not sit down with her and say I need a game plan to get rid of the is behavior while he is with me. say i love your child and want to continue having him over, maybe suggest that you will tell him he needs to go to time out(unless it is passed that) and if he continues to do it then he will be taken home, make sure he knows that we don't do that at our house, and if he does let his mom know you feel it will help to bring him home and she can send him to his room/ take away privileges and hopefully she will talk to him about why he had to come home and reinforce it when he comes over.. in theory he should decide it is much more fun with you after a few times of doing this he should get the point that when he comes over he cant do that. if mom knows this is an issue she should be on board because it will help her as well. I am not sure with how open you are with this mom if you think a sit down will offend her then just keep it simple by saying we love love it when you come to play but remember if you hit etc... you will have to go home and talk with mommy. just make sure you do be consistent with this.
if my child acts up I love it when a parent is honest and I can work on it. childhood is a learning process I never assume mine won't have there faults along the way.

I definitely agree with one of the other moms. Treat the child with love. I had a child treat one of my children like that before and I recognized the behavior and not wanting to discipline the child in front of the mom, (she didn't discipline her, or at least in front of me she didn't), I grabbed her, and hugged him and tickled her, playing "I'm going to get you!" and she started to laugh. At first she fought me and then started to laugh. I stopped playing and then put her on my lap and talk serious to her and said that Jesus doesn't like when we play like that and it hurts others so let's try to be nice.
I also had a talk with my daughter later and said that whenever they're playing together try not to do anything that would irritate the other girl, (is actually her cousin), and to be the good example like Jesus showed to us.
They still argue now and then and I've even been able to have my niece over here by herself and we have been able to talk about her actions and words that she uses and she's improved quite a bit.
This little boy is not going to change over night and I'm sure you know this, but love and caring and talking to him will do a world of wonders. It's such a shame he has to be a witness to the arguing and fighting of his parents, but hopefully you won't have to sever this relationship and your daughter and you can be the good example to improving this child's behavior. Good luck to you and may God help you in this!
Take care,
V.

If they are playing together, check in on them every few minutes or be in the same room so that you can monitor them. You can usually see when tension is building and you will be able to intervene and redirect before it comes to the aggressive behavior. You didn't mention how long you spend over there at one time. If you're there for hours, there will be moments of frustration more than if you were only there for 1-2 hours or so. Maybe they're just getting bored. You say that he doesn't have a good sleep schedule. He's probably tired and can't play for very long without getting aggitated. That's when the type of play can be redirected into something more calming like reading books. Or popping some popcorn and turning on a favorite movie for everyone to watch.
Try not to show the aggressive one more anger in response to his actions. He sees enough anger between his parents.
maybe you need to limit the time you spend with them, but not sever the ties. Or you can have set activities that they will do together instead of just idle play. And if you know he's being aggressive, you should be there watching over when they're together. If they are sent to play in a seperate room, you won't know unless one of them tells you or cries. Don't give them the opportunity to let that happen. You don't have to hover over them, but you should be able to see them at any given moment.

well, i completely understand where your coming from. i had this same situation happen with me and my children. however, it was family and not friend. not much a person can do there. :). really, what is there that you can do? it's her place to discipline, and when a child is being agressive, like you said spanking doesn't work. i would also say talking probably doesn't work either. i think that the best thing for you to do, is let the child know (and the mother before hand) that if he gets aggressive that you will leave immediately. that way he knows that it's unexceptable behavior. and follow thru. don't say it and not do it bc then it's all for nothing. obviously the mother knows there's an issue so she shouldn't have to much of a problem especially since it doesn't happen to often.

I experience something similar w/ my nephew. Try posting rules at your house, 3 max. Also, consequences. Of course include, keep hands feet objects to self, maybe, respect, etc. also, try to remain calm when it happens, and separate them. Try to remind the child what you expect when they first arrive, and every so often. I know it's work for you, but maybe have a planned activity for them sometimes. Try to "catch" her being good,and praise her, or else all she is getting is negative attention(better than no attention) Also, there is a book, dvd called 1,2,3 magic disciplining your child that I highly recommend.
I'll be anxious to hear what happens.

M. A,

I can understand your frustration more than you know. The first thing for your friend to do is to stop with the spanking. I can understand the frustration with the aggression, but the spanking is feeding into the aggression. What needs to happen is when the child starts with this behavior she needs to come down to the childs level and talk to the child and see if she can find out what started the dissolution of emotion to set the child off. I wouldn't stop coming around because she and the children need some sense of normality right now. However, when these episodes do occur I would politely excuse myself and give her the time and space to handle the situation to handle it. Then I would come back the following day to see how things are going. With all the fighting and yelling going on it is hard for young children to not get their frustations out and they find it easy to do on someone their own size, unfortunately. I would suggest to her to take the children to the park or somewhere where they can run and get some of the energy out, that may be part of the issue as well.

My prayers are thoughts are with the both of you.

Good luck to you and your friend.

S.
36 y/o SAHM of 3 boys
14, 6 and 4