After Hours Lunch/farewell

If you didn't invite her to dinner, then don't pay. If the two of you are getting together as friends after work, then I don't see the issue.

Because you've established a pattern of taking people who are leaving out to eat then you should offer to pay. Do not ask for separate checks. Let her take the lead. If she asks for separate checks you're off the hook.

If you don't want to treat any more then let it be known around the work place that you're no longer doing that. Then when lunch is suggested mention that you want separate checks. It's too late to do that for this person. It would seem to be a slam to this person. "Why isn't she buying my lunch when she's bought everyone else's. Doesn't she like me?" sort of uncomfortable situation.

Buying lunch for the person whose leaving is a gracious act. Don't ruin the mood by changing in mid stream for this person. I suggest that you continue to buy lunch if you're doing it for friendship and as a gracious gesture. You are giving that person a happy memory as they move on.

You attribute the person buying extras as being selfish, planning for their next day's meal. I suggest that may not be the reason at all. When I go out to celebrate people often splurge because it is special. I would expect to splurge a bit if I were treating someone to a special lunch. If I had a limited amount of money, I would suggest that I need to keep the bill below a certain amount as we looked at the menu. I would kindly say something like, "Let's only order the meal and skip desert and sides." or "I've budgeted $ 30 for lunch today." That would be letting them know what you expect.

Etiquette education is missing in today's world. I remember being taught by my parents to listen for cues from the host and to order less expensive things if I didn't know what they could afford. With experience, and a good job, I'm no longer concerned about the cost. I learned this from relatives also. I do choose a restaurant that is within my budget and usually do order dessert myself. I suggest that focusing on the cost detracts from the pleasure of a shared meal.

When I've been short of money and suggested going to lunch with someone I just add let's go dutch. I did this with one friend and he thought that meant I'd pay. This was back in the day before credit cards. I didn't have enough money and he ended up embarrassed. LOL

You can say something like, "I know I usually buy lunch but I've decided to stop doing that" well before you leave for lunch. But, I do think that this may make the person feel bad since you've established a pattern.

Whatever you decide to do focus on finding a way to be gracious. That is good etiquette.

Do not say separate checks and then pay for both if she doesn't order extras. That feels really underhanded to me.

Again, I suggest focusing on having a good time instead of how much the other person orders. Know that not everyone thinks the same way you do and that ordering extras is rarely taking the opportunity to "stick it" to the hostess.

Later: I am confused. When my friends and I go out to lunch each of us pays our own bill. For example one of us will say, "lets have lunch together on Thursday." Technically, I suppose, that's an invitation. But the person asking to go to lunch only pays for her lunch and I pay for mine.

If this person said something like, "lets have lunch" I do not see that as an invitation and I would assume that each pays their own bill. What complicates it for you is that you've established a pattern of paying for the departing friend's lunch. Which may mean that this friend thinks you'll pay. That is where my above post starts.

A. it is not fair for her to assume you are paying
B. given the circumstances it is not fair to not let her know it's "Dutch" ahead of time.

People do tend to over order when someone treats. Lol.

If i invite someone, i expect to pay unless it is settled and known before the invite is accepted. If i invite i choose the place, if i suspect a heavy ordering companion i go to a cost controlled place
Like sweet tomatoes or a lower cost place without bar service and no entrees out of my $$$ zone.

It looks like you invited her. If you did, you pay. It appears to be a going away lunch or dinner.i would cancel if this is a concern of yours. Who asks for separate checks.

i think it's fine to ask for separate bills, and then pick hers up. it can even parlay into a cute 'gotcha'.
you must have got stuck a fair bit to be so edgy about it. has THIS woman done it to you before? if not, don't assume that she's out to take advantage of you.
khairete
S.

I'd pick someplace where you could sit and visit but that's not that expensive. I think it's sort of tacky for a person to order a big item when they're invited out.

I always try to gauge how much to spend based on how much the person that invited me is spending. For instance if we go to someplace like Perkins. If they order just a salad I might order just a soup or something like that. If they order a full meal and dessert I know I am going to have leftovers for the next day. I am not not able to eat all that in one meal.

So plan the cost by where you go to eat. If you go to a steak place for dinner then expect to pay for steak. If you go to McDonald's then plan on buying a Big Mac Meal and perhaps some ice cream for dessert. You are in control of how much is spent by picking where you go.

When we go out to eat and take the grand kids or my daughter we tell them when we're waiting "No pop". The last place we took them out to eat at had pop, it was $2.98 per glass, no refills! When my daughter went ahead and ordered a pop with her meal I told the waitress to give her a separate check for her pop. She was mad of course and didn't have any money except change but she got the idea. She told me "I don't like water with my meal" and I told her "Neither do I, that's why I put lemon in it".

So pick a less expensive place. Plan on paying for the most expensive item there for both of you. If you order less then you have less to pay. You are treating them. Either do it or don't do it at all.

Please don't ask her to eat out if you don't plan on paying. You stated that it's sort of your thing when someone is leaving. To invite her then not pay is a slap in the face. She may not have even brought enough money to pay for her meal if she's made to pay unexpectedly.

Otherwise make sure you tell her before you go that you're going separate so she has the option of knowing BEFORE she eats then might not have any money to pay for it.

I think your idea is a fine idea.
LBC

If you did not invite her, how did you come to be going to lunch? I think that that part matters. If you initiated the gathering as a farewell celebration (somewhat), then that smells like an invitation. Perhaps you can mention the name of the restaurant to her and confirm that it's not too expensive for her. Or ask her to choose the restaurant that would work best for her budget.

I guess you could trick her like you mentioned, but if you guys are friends, why not just let her know that you are treating her on a budget? You can ask the server to list the specials and then take a moment with your friend to ask her which of the specials she will order. Just take the lead with the menus; go somewhere that actually has a distinct lunch menu to peruse.

I get that you don't want to be taken advantage of, but that's what "treating" is, letting people get what they want, what they might not get for themselves. The treater usually budgets for that. The treatee--if it's a friend--will usually make budget-friendly inquiries. "Do you mind if I order the lobster?"

Also, if she orders extra, tell the server that that will be on a separate ticket. If your friend makes a fuss, feel free to look just as shocked as you tell her that you assumed that she was planning to pay for her own extras, since you had invited her to one lunch and not dinner and snack and breakfast.

ETA: I heard you loud and clear that you didn't invite her, but someone had to make the suggestion, right? If it wasn't you, then why are you so perplexed about how to avoid paying? Just go to lunch. Why should it even occur to her that you will pay, and why does it matter to you if it occurs to her or not? If you didn't invite her, then stop treating it like you did. Also, knowing how it got put on the table could help determine the best way to send the message that you're trying to send.

I would assume that she's assuming you will pay because that's what you typically do. I would also use the ladies room at some point and ask your waitress to separate the checks. That way, if you decide to pick hers up, it's a "treat". If you don't, it's not awkward.

Oh and as someone else said, you may want to select a place that isn't too pricey!

Usually, most servers wait until the end of the meal to split the bill. I wouldn't say anything until then.