Affair in the Family

You support the children and stay out of the rest of it. None of us ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors. We only know what we might be told by the parties involved which is always an edited version of reality.

Stay out of it. I personally could not support my sibling in this, but I would not hate them either.

Support the kids. Stay out of the drama between them--love them both but don't take sides!

M

Stay out of it....pretty much enough said...if you want to know why, if you take part someone is going to blame for something whether they get back together and your sister is miserable she will blame you; if they break up anyway the hubby may blame you. They are both adults and need to work this through themselves even if it means learning new life lessons the hard way. Besides, you can't change someones mind that doesn't want to change it themself.

MYOB.
take the kids out for ice cream frequently.
khairete
S.

i will add my two cents with everyone else- zip it. have the kids over as much as possible and love them.

If it were me.. and please take into consideration that I am someone who has no problem with voicing my opinion.. but if it were me I would let my sibling know where I stand on the matter.. have a conversation with them about it and let it go from there.

For example, if my sister was leaving her husband and was lusting over a new affair.. I would tell her I don't approve of what you are doing, but I understand if you are unhappy in your marriage. However, I definitely feel strongly about the children not being involved with this new person.. and I would just express my opinion, but at the same time try to do it in a very concerned tone.. you could even start with a compliment and end with how you feel..(I love you so much and you mean the world to me, but I am having a difficult time processing what is currently going on)

However, I definitely think that talking ALWAYS helps and at least that way your sibling is aware of your feelings and knows where you stand. Otherwise, don't get involved in their love triangle because there are boundaries when it comes to these situations.. especially when you are siding with their spouse because that will possibly leave them feeling as if you are choosing someone over your own blood.

All in all, it is a very delicate situation and needs to be approached carefully.

Stay out of it. I know it is hard not to have opinions or feelings about what is right and what is not right in this situation but (a) the sibling that had an affair would probably not welcome any unsolicited advise that you have to offer, (b) there maybe a whole backstory to what's going on in this marriage that you haven't been privvy to so it's best to not jump to conclusions, (c) from my experience, when someone is ready to leave a relationship, their heart has already reached the point of no return and no amount of well intended advise will change when they feel to be true, so best not to waste your breath.

My suggestion to you is to still be their for the spouse and the neices and nephews as much as possible without being dragged into the catfight between the two spouses. If your sibling does confide in you or ask your advise, I've always found it best to give advise without necessarily appearing like you are giving advise. Offer up tidbits of wisdom without saying "this is what you should do, you knucklehead," and gently make suggestions without attaching any expectation to whether or not your sibling will follow your advise.

I've found that this tactic has always worked well for me with my family members. Maybe it will help you as well. Good luck!

Support your family member with out giving them the "ok" to do it again so to speak. Really it is what it is and you can not do anything to fix it, just be there.

Hi Tgsdp,

No one would blame you for doing anything. This is an awful and stressful and destructive situation. I don't believe in "throwing pearls before swine" so don't belabor anything you say, but say it once and get it done. Marriage isn't just about love, it's about commitment and trust and sometimes we just push through. Love grows from commitment. It's a shame your sibling doesn't get that. Whatever you choose to do, I'm afraid your relationship will never be the same.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

God bless,

M.

Nothin you can do but be a stable person for your nieces/nephews. Do not speak of or involve yourself in any way with the "affair". Your sibling is going to learn the hard way.
Just act like nothing is going on, but do not participate in advice or babysitting for the affair. Pray that it turns the marriage around for the better, that can and does happen many times.

Wow, that is sad. I would offer to babysitter IF and only if they want to go to counseling.

Otherwise, keep your mouth shut, but shower the kids with lots of love and attention.

This so just happened to me. My brother left my sister in law and we haven't seen or heard from him in six months. Because he is gone, my parents have totally taken on his role in this relationship, helping with the kids, paying some bills and everything else that comes up. I really don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Good luck.

Don't go preaching to your sibling, but if they come to you, let them know what you honestly think. They need some sense lovingly talked into them. My mom's sister did the same thing a few years ago and her sisters refused to pretend it was okay and consistently pointed out the reality of the situation. She eventually decided to stay with her husband and work it out.

My sister and I are very close and open with each other, and even though it bugs sometimes when we're so honest (i.e. "You're nagging your husband too much and I'm concerned you're driving him away" or "You wear too much bling and it looks like a teenager") it's usually true and can be helpful. Because we are so close, I would feel comfortable approaching my sister, even if it was unsolicited, since I feel so strongly about marriage. I would try my hardest to help ground her, but that depends on the relationship you have with your sibling. Even if she was angry at me for it, I couldn't stand by and not say something about such a huge mistake.

My BIL had an affair and my sis wanted to work it out. There was a baby on the way and I insisted she had to divorce him, whether she stayed with him or not. Finally she did divorce him and he left to stay with his new family. I didn't talk to him for about 4 years, but we talk now. He now has the little girl and the Mother is out there somewhere. He is remarried and his little girl and my little girl hand out when they see each other. All just water under the bridge.

Ooooh you just described a situation I was in not too long ago. Fortunately, my brother pulled his head out of his a$$ and got his act together. lol. But before that, it was quite the scandal for our family. I am fairly close to my SIL, so we talked a lot. All I would suggest doing is to support your in-law as best as you can, without trashing your blood sibling (If you have that kind of relationship with him/her). Your in-law will still be connected to your family because of the kids, but you have to remember that your sibling is just that, your sibling. In my case, I let my brother know in no uncertain terms that I thought he was a jerk for doing what he was doing, but then I dropped it. It really isn't worth driving a wedge in the family, especially since interfering most likely won't make any difference. Just remind yourself that it's his (or her) life, and his (or her) mistake to make. As for the kids, just try to stay as normal as possible with them. If they ask questions, try to refer them back to mom and dad. If they insist on getting answers from you, try not to make your sibling into the 'bad guy' or make out like it's his (or her) fault... even if it is. Good luck!

Looks like it's overwhelming, you stay out of it. For the most part.
We did go through something similar in our family a few years ago and told the family members that we will not get involved in anyway, UNLESS we see they are screwing up the kids! We were ready to piss of all family members and swoop in and pick up the kids and get them out of the house if need be.
The good news is that now, even after all the drama, they are a very unified couple for the sake of the kids!

Well, since you don't want to name any genders, I'm going to make it easy on myself and assume the cheater is male (a statistical probability). So...what should you do? You should support the person being wronged and do as much as you can to reassure her and the kids that you will always be there for them. Then, whenever you get the opportunity, you try and convince your idiot brother that he is being a complete fool by throwing away his marraige and destroying his family. If this drives a wedge between you and him, so be it. Family is about more than blood-ties. It's about taking care of the people we love. If you love your sister-in-law, you need to support her....even at the expense of your "sibling" relationship. It's not about taking sides. It's about doing the right thing and supporting the person who needs and deserves it most.

EDIT: I have to say I'm a little surprised by all of the "support your sibling, but stay out of it" responses you got. How could you "support" someone like that in any way, shape or form? I have a brother and I can tell you that if he ever left his wife and children for another woman, he'd find himself without a sister as well. What kind of relationship would I be trying to salvage if I chose to "support" him and pretend like he didn't abandon his family? What would we talk about when we saw each other? The weather? It would always be forced and awkward because I could never tell him what I really thought of him and I could never re-create the respect that I once had for him.

So sure, you can play Switzerland in the whole thing and keep your mouth shut. It's certainly safer and won't create any more "drama" in the family. But is that the RIGHT thing to do? Doesn't feel that way to me.