Advice to Keep Me from Going Crazy

One thing that hasn't been said is that if you take too many things away he may just decide to get sneakier. He is going to Outpatient and that should help him look inside if he connects well with the group & facilitator. Try to focus on relationship, so he may be more likely to talk to you about temptations or what his peers may be doing. You can do this & still keep proper parent boundaries (not like what you have described with his mom).

Hmm...where do I start? I've been a stepmom for 25 years and am familiar with the disability process as my ex is now on both VA and SSI disability.

One, you can't control your stepson's mother, or what she allows him to do in her home. Let it go. If she wants to let him watch TV and smoke pot for the 2 days out of 14, then he will. Be in control of what happens in your home only. You don't have to "deal" with the mom at all, really.

Second. How is a person "on disability" but not paid? If your husband is disabled, there are payments, otherwise he's not disabled and needs to get a job...what am I missing here?

Next. It sounds to me like you need to decide whether you want to "parent" this young man or not. Sounds like his "birth parents" are abdicating the responsibility. You have somewhat of a choice here. Put in a similar position, I chose to parent my stepchildren. It was very, very hard. They appreciate and love me for it now (both in their 20s), but that was never a given.

And last, along with the previous decision, you will need to decide if you are willing to support this young man financially. If every payment whether for living needs, or mental health needs, comes with resentment, where will that lead?

I completely understand the financial, emotional, physical drain that living in a situation like this causes. I lived it. Once my stepkids were grown, I moved out and changed my life in ways that have given me more energy for myself and the things I want in life. You have choices.

I think you deserve some sort of an award. Seriously. Thank goodness you're there to offer some sort of discipline and sanity in his life. It sounds like a maddening situation on so many levels.

My kids are still little, so I can't relate that way. But a few years ago, my little sister (15 at the time) came and lived with us for a while because she had been caught doing stuff she shouldn't be. She was a liar and just overall selfish and awful to live with! It made me so sad. But it gave me a really good taste of that type of issue. I hope and pray my kids don't do the same. So, I don't have advice really, just support that it's rough!

I think you do what you can in your house. His mom can do what she wants in her house. If she wants to have a say in his discipline, then maybe she should take him back and take care of him. But it's your house and it's your rules.

Have you considered going to a professional for some help and advice? I think sometimes their training can be priceless in situations like this in helping you to know what to do for your step-son, as well as dealing with all the other stresses you have (and i"m not suggesting that you sound like you can't deal with it yourself...just that sometimes they have really good ideas!).

You are doing amazing in a really bad situation! It sounds like too much is on *your* shoulders and your hubby needs to step up and help. Hang in there.

14 is a horrible, nasty age for a boy. I know, mine is 14 now. UGH.

But, you have a boy that has a disconnected father, and a crazy mother. YOU ARE THE ONLY STABILITY THIS BOY HAS.
So, a couple of random thoughts.

Dad needs to step it up and become WAY more involved in the boy's life. He needs to be an active participant in punishments, and rewards.

Forget about what the Mom lets the boy do while at her house. Put your rules in writing, put the punishment rules in writing - hand it to her. If she doesn't follow it in her house - so be it. Just ensure that the boy understands that the rules remain in place in your house. Literally, stop dealing with the Mom.

Keep him in counseling. His Father should attend family sessions with him, as should you attend sessions with your husband and the child.

If there is not one already, get court ordered child support from her. They can garnish her wages when she is working. Legal aid should be able to help with that.

Same with custody/living arrangements - get it in writing for the court that he reside with you.

If you do not have health insurance for him (1) try and get him on your state's plan - they call it CHIPS here. (2) if you have health insurance you may be able to add him to yours especially if you have the above.

I may not be saying what you want to hear right now. But, with a 14 year old son of my own, who has a less than involved father, and has issues - I know how hard it can be. But, as hard as it gets for me, I also know that I am the only stability in my son's life.

You do have a lot on your plate - I am so sorry for that. But please, don't give up on this boy. He needs you.

God Bless

Next time the mom wants to undermine you can you say something like,"well, since you would do such a better time raising him, how about he move back in with you."

Personally I think your husband is a coward and a loser for not stepping up with his son. (In this economy finding a job is hard so I don't give him flack for that... but him being jobless means he can step up on the parenting because he is home more now...)

I would also tell the boy that next time you catch an illegal substance, that you will call the police and let them bring in drug dogs and let him be arrested. I plan on doing this if MY kids are ever caught with drugs... and spend at least 1 night.

wow that is a rough on. no words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know you were heard.

I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you. I can see what a good person you are for having taken on all this responsibility, but don't blame you in the least that your patience for it all is wearing very thin. Sounds like you could use a counselor to help you with all you are going through. Anyone would with so much on their plate. Counseling can make a huge difference when you are overwhelmed- it helped me immensely when I was in college.
Hang in there, Jen! :)

You sound, and have the right to be, frustrated. I have worked in family services and the one thing my clinical supervisor always ingrained in me was never work harder than the client. I hope the counseling will give results, but don't expect much. One thing about any recovery is if it doesn't come from the person who needs to change, it's not going to happen. So to be brief, about the only thing you do have control over is your sanity. Does your husband have legal custody? if he does have you considered having your husband for CalWorks; it should bridge a gap in the income (assuming you aren't too high over the poverty line) maybe food stamps, and it can also assist in your husband find a job or train for one. Good luck.

Dear J.B.,

First off, I hope you have a good disability attorney. If you have tried on your own (unsuccessfully) to get SSI to accept your claim you probably need some legal help. Or if you prefer to go the route you are on...my advice is to submit your appeal but YOU do all the work for SSI. Get all medical records from as far back as you can, get full details of the work your husband used to do, performance reviews, restrictions etc.. Organize it...tab it....make it so they have to do nothing.

Second, as for the 14 year old, send him back to momma for now. You have too much on your plate and for your hubby to put this burden on you right now is crazy. Unless you can get the son in an "in-patient" facility to straighten out. Mom and son need to realize that you are not their door mat. You are not there to take the "problem" when it fits their needs. And dad needs to understand that too.

Third, get some counseling for yourself. Grieve the loss of your husbands ability to do the things he used to be able to do. It is hard to make that adjustment. You will be angry. And that is all NORMAL. And he may need counseling too. He may be snappy and demanding. He may even be testing you to see if you will stay. The disabled feel so many emotions about being disabled. He needs to grieve for the loss of his ability to do the basic things...like support you and his family.

This advice is coming from someone who has been there. I am sorry you have to go thru this.

I agree with Sue W., well put.

But also wanted to send a hug to you. And I admire how you are trying to take care of everyone. Just make sure to carve some time out for yourself so you don't loose it. :)

Hugs!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to alot of what you wrote = we have had a very difficult time financially with me carrying alot of the load. However, girlfriend, you need to release some of this burden. First of all, get counseling for yourself. I hate to sound cruel but your step son isn't going to have anyone if you don't start taking care of yourself. Forget his counseling and get some for you. If you are not a member of a church, please call a local church and see if you can get some help maaybe with cleaning the house once a week. Don't be embarrassed - it would be a priviledge to help. I'm sorry about your husband's disability but really, in the world we live in he needs to start making some money on the internet. eLance is a wonderful place to start if he's a professional worker. Frankly, all of you sound depressed and it's no wonder. Please also look into state of Cal programs like Medical, CMSP, CalWorks etc. It sounds as if you don't have insurance for your husband's hip replacement. If he can't work because of this, you may qualify for one of these programs. Good luck and I think you should start with counseling and maybe meds for yourself to help you get through these tough times. Hang in there and really, please call a local church. You might be surprised at the help you get.

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

Updated

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

Where is your husband in all this? He is the boy's father, he should be stepping up and supporting you. If his mother decided that she "couldn't deal with him anymore" and sent him to live with you guys, then she needs to understand that she has essentially chosen to allow you to be the primary disciplinarian and she can't be undermining your decisions. If your husband won't talk with her, then how bad would it be if you told her off yourself? What about family counseling for everyone if they will all agree to go?

If you want to win social security disability, you probally need a lawyer's help. My husband has MD and he has constant pain and weakness.
Still, he is a father to our child and tries to spend as much time with her as he can since he is home anyways.

YOUR CHILDREN come first no matter what. They must be protected. Don't let him be alone with them.

I know exactly how you feel. I too am raising a step child, and her mother is crazy and NO help ect... And i feel lik3 some days i may go crazy.
And also feel like itd be best to have him move back in with his ex. Lmao.
But i agree that Your children come 1st and to protect them from the bad seed.

All i can think of is boot camp may help.
or juvenile But then again they come back worst.

But i honestly dont know whats best, im kinda in the same pickle, just with a daugther.

I feel for you. :)

Oh my god, what a tough situation. I cannot begin to understand what your stress level must be, and here I feel sorry for myself sometimes with 2 kids and a part time job and school issues but a loving hard working husband. All I can say is: hang in there. And I agree with Sue W. below, she seems to have put all my thoughts in a row. Perhaps it is time to speak your mind in front of the 14 year old as well as your husband and let them know that you want to help but your energy is running out with all this BS and you need some time to recharge your own batteries, and how do they expect the future to be? You are not going to be the money machine for both of them and your own kids. Financially you might be better off divorcing your husband (even if you love him, uncontested, it may give him more financial aid and separates you from "his" family trouble. On the other hand, you may be this young man's salvation.. Is there some place you can go with your 2 young ones for a few days? Your mother, some close friend, someone who is leaving for a weekend whose house you could use, just to have 2 days away from it all, even if it is with your kids? Gosh, what a difficult situation. The bottom line is that if you keep giving like this you may not have sufficient energy or money for your own kids. Tough decision. Wishing you much strength.

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

I understand you are mad at the mother and the son but your anger should be directed towards your husband. I understand your husband is disabled...why isn't he collecting disability? Is he doing the work to try to get his medical claim resolved? I realize he may be unable to walk (?) but does he have any psychological issues, pain, etc. that it make it hard for him to think clearly? Assuming he's able to function and talk it seems as if he can still parent his son. I guess I'm saying that your husband needs to try a little harder and focus on parenting his son and research getting his medical issues resolved. It's sounds as if you are doing everything for him and of course that makes you feel overwhelmed. Good-luck and hang in there with the son.

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

Updated

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs

Okay going through some of the same issues w/13 yr old sd and her mom.
What I've learned? You cannot control what goes on at her house so let it go and provide the best most stable home for him at your house. Also, what I've learned: this can drive a stake btwn you and hubby. It did w/us as SD was getting to the age where she could be problematic, lie and conspire against me. However after a blow up, separation, sep households, reconcilliation and now counseling (hubby & I, SD on her own and us w/SD) it has helped but it is a VERY SLOW process.
Hang in there.
Provide a stable environement for your stepson w/rules and punishment that "fits the crime". Hopefully your hubby backs you up and HE SHOULD be the one to advise the son about this new plan and enforce it or you will be the bad guy with a possiblity of backfiring in your face.
-Don't care or think about what his mom does
-Get disability
-Continue with appeal process
-Let go of the fact bio mom doesn't take him very often. You're taking the higher road, keeping your marriage intact for you and your bio kids, you're providing a stable home environement for your stepson which does influence some
-take some time out for yourself whenever you can (even 1/2 an hour here and there a day until you can get more)
-treat yourself to something (a fun read from the library), email your friends, buy something cheap for yourself at Target or Walmart (a magazine, some inexpensive makeup), find when you can take a little extra long time in the shower to shave your legs, exfoliate, condition your hair etc. all things that don't cost anything but can help you make yourself feel better,
- exercise a few mins a day at home from a video checked out from library
-provide good model home for your stepson
-talk to him daily not about heavy stuff but about light stuff like tv shows he likes, sports, music etc
-don't count on getting any $ from her right now
-if hubby is on board, have him go to the local family court matters office to file for a request in child support reintstatement
-don't buy into the manipulation from stepson but don't get into an altercation either, have all interaction be light (this is for the your sanity, staving off future problems and so you have a case if necessary)
-don't be mean (not that you are) but just be calm when interacting w/son
-try to get your hubby to back you up and deal w/his son in the correcting department, punishment etc
-de-stress yourself
-call friends just to unload or make you laugh
-laugh whenever you can: rent a funny movie from Redbox for $1, read the comic, watch a comedy channel. it helps relieve stress even temporarily
-keep yourself busy and involved w/your bio kids
-don't leave your bio kids alone w/your stepson just as a safety precaution. I wish you luck. sending love and hugs