Advice to Help My Husband and I

Hi M.,
I am also a SAHM, 33yrs. I have two daughters, ages 9yrs and 13mos. I am looking for SAHM for potential playdates for my youngest while the eldest is at school...and for another adult to talk to. If you are interested in meeting at a park, or the children's museum to play, hit me back with an email (____@____.com). I don't know how much 'advice' you would want on the marriage front, but I make a good 'sounding board'. :)

Hello M., If you find reading supportive, I recommend, "Real Love," by Greg Baer. This book can be very supportive for reviving and creating a deep foundation for any relationship. ~T.

We'll now that he is home does he see all what it takes to run a home? Does he get involved with the boys activities too. How much alone time do you get to spend together. What were some of the things you two like to do as acouple prior to the children?

M.,

First, understand that with all the stress you guys are going through you need to be sure to communicate about everything! Try not to be judgemental (either of you) and just listen and acknowledge each others feelings and fears. My husband was out of work the end of 2006 into 2007 and it was the hardest time of our marriage thus far - and you have so much more on top of that!!

Second, do you have any family in town? Anyone who can take the boys for a few hours or overnight? You don't have to leave the house to have "date night" with your husband. Even if you don't have the boys out of the house, plan a late dinner (after they are in bed). Light some candles, turn on some soft music, have dinner and reconnect.

Good family time is taking a walk in your neighborhood, going to the park - get back to simple. Also, plan family dinner night - your 22 month old can help with simple things - make a pizza! He can put on cheese and pepperoni -- it may get messy, but so what??!! :)

Hang in there. Be strong! Men have a harder time with this stuff because they've been brought up to be the bread-winners and support their family. When that falls apart, they have a hard time with it. It WILL get better. Hang in there and know people are thinking of you and your family and praying.

God Bless-
C.

Hey M......sounds like both you and your husband need some internal understandings about who's in charge of who's happiness. YOU are! You're the relationship you've got to clean up so that you don't ever let someone else take your value from you. Nobody is bad or wrong here, what's not working is the idea or feeling that you've got to figure him or anyone else out but you. Isolation reigns when we give power to analyzing others behavior instead of our own. If you want a FREE session for support let me know. ###-###-#### or www.tag-youre-it.com.......KEEP BREATHING, J.

Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? I listen to her frequently and a lot of the callers thank her for her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages, saying it made a difference in their marriage.

M.,
I think Carrie's suggestions are great. You two need time to reconnect without the children, and then with the children. If you don't have family nearby, maybe there is a neighbor you trust? And her suggestion of simplifying is wonderful. The activities need to be simple enough that you can actually talk and interact with each other, not things. And if you believe in prayer, genuine, heartfelt, pooring your soul out kind of prayers really work, especially if you can do that as a couple and family.

You do need to connect with other women, but not necessarily 'get out of the house'...find some other young moms in the neighborhood and invite them and their kids over for lunch. Also, read 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. The title is misleading...it changed my perspective and helped our marriage sooooo much! Dr. Laura shows you how much power you have to change your relationship, just by what you do. Hang in there! It is worth it...and won't always be this hard, every marriage is like a roller coaster--nobody has it good all the time.

I think everyone has great advice, one thing you did mention is that your husband thinks you need to get out more and he is right, you say what about the kids? There are a lot of free moms groups that offer child care start searching in your area.

You need to communicate with your husband. Let him know how you feel then together plan time to be together ALONE at least once a week. You do not have to spend money... Maybe go for a walk, go to the park and talk or read a book. Do something fun also.. if you are at the park-swing on the swings, climb a tree. Learn to laugh all over again.

You might try finding a church where you can meet other couples / mothers so you can not only have the same interests but also trade babysitting.

Being a wife and mother is your most important "job" and will be your most rewarding but you need to take time to nurture you relationships. With 2 small children, they become your life but your husband needs to know he is #1 in your life and the children come 2nd. Of coarse, they have physical needs that can not be forgotten but making time for your husband will make him feel needed and special also.

Right now he is without work and he might feel less of a husband and father as he is not bringing in the normal amount of money you are both used to. He needs you to let him know he is still needed and important to you and to his children.

As a side note, I would be careful about joining "mom and me" groups. Make sure the women do not just sit around and talk as frequently it leads to complaining about husbands and the women start to get more frustrated in their marriages. If you feel like you need support from other moms, you might look for a group where you take the kids on field trips and the groups are focused on interaction you have with your kids-not just letting the kids play together so the mom's can talk.

I would go and get a part time job to get out of the house.Also try to let go of the boys a little by going out with friends after they have gone to sleep for the night if your husband watches them. you need to have a life also be independent and you husband will start to notice you in a different way.

I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I find that it's really important to spend time alone with my husband. We only have a 2 month old, but we try to go out once a week by ourselves, even if its just for an hour or so. Also, I let my husband spend some time by himself taking care of our daughter, I think it helps him appreciate what I do, and how hard it is to actually get things done. I do have the same problem that my husband wants me to spend time with my friends, but, like you, none of them have kids. So instead I try to spend time with my mom and sisters. Or I talk to friends while my daughter is sleeping.

>Date night-
get a babysitter and have a date night once a week. every week. You're not allowed to talk about the kids during your date and he's not allowed to talk about work during your date. it doesn't have to be long, but it should be the two of you alone doing something fun together.

>for more understanding about being a SAHM
Go out by yourself leaving the kids w/ Daddy for atleast 6 hours. Leave instructions for how to take care of the kids and which household chores need to be done. Come home a little bit early to rescue him. He will be frazzled and worship your feet when you get home.

this is a good chance to visit friends or go read a book at the library or go shopping or get your hair done.

When my husband and I moved to CO we were in a similar situation. Neither of us could find jobs and were together more than we had ever been. It was difficult, but we tried to get out of the house everyday. We would go for walks, out for lunch just something different to give us something else to focus on and talk about. I also mentioned several times that we each needed friends. He needed friends to hang out with and I definitely needed girl time. Long story short he got a job and travels often. I still don't know a soul here in CO! I agree it would be helpful if you both got out of the house and spent time with friends. Is he willing to watch the kids while you get some time out? I know mom groups are great. I'm leaving today to go with my husband on a business trip for a while, but let me know if you would like to meet when I get back? I would love to have some friends here in CO! I don't work during the day!

Wow, you have had a lot to deal with lately...you are right that you need and want to stay home, sometimes they don't understand how much Work is involved until they have to do it...Let him take the kids all day, and I mean all day, like on a Sat. (if possible), catch up with some of the gals and go to lunch,...make it an all day event. Of course you have to be there to support him and it seems like sometimes life gets in the way of "our Marriages", I know I've been down that road before and don't want to go down that road again...Current husband is wonderful, just remember we all have our moments...especially with 2 yourng children. I'm a grandma now age 56 with a son who is 34 and has a wife and 4 children...he does most everything for the kids the minute he walks in the door from work, There's no let me sit down a second... so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Hope my advice helps.. :)
L. in Colorado

Hi M.......one thing that might help you is to see if you have a MOPS Group in your area.....it's called Mothers of Pre-Schoolers. These are young mothers like you, and the group meets twice a month usually. If you have internet access you can look this organization up and find one that meets near your home. Often they meet in churches, but the group is not directly associated with the church. You will learn meaningful things about parenting, marriage, do crafts, and just plain have fun and support, plus your children attend with you. This will help relieve some of your current stresses. You can belong to this group as long as you have a preschooler, so you'll end up with some very good friends.

you need to find a mommy group for yourself and the boys. they meet at places and do fun things with the kids. where do you live, maybe i can help you find one. as far as you and your husband. just getting out of the house and going to the park can help. try getting on the internet and seeing what sort of outings you could do with the family. there's the zoo, there's bird aviaries, there's parks to feed the ducks, there's family fun centers where the 2yr old can go climb and run. let me know where you live and i can possibly help you find some family activities.

First I want to say -- wow that's a whole lot of tough times to hit your family all at once. Have you maybe thought about getting some sort of part time job while your husband is out of work? That might help you in a lot of ways right now-- giving you some outside interaction and bringing in a little money. Is your husband willing to watch the children if you were to do something outside the house-- like a job, hobby or excercise class, even a regular lunch date with your friends without kids? I think his criticism is unfair if he's unwilling to step up and give you some time on your own.

As far as things to do together-- Considering your situation, I think you should get out of the house. Go to the zoo and museums. There's a lot of stuff to see in Denver and with your husband helping you with the little ones, it will be easier to get around. Go check out all the cultural things there is to see. Walk up and down the 16th Street Mall. Just get out of the house.

Hi M.!

The best advice I can give you is to only listen to your heart, stay focused on a year from now when things are getting easier and don't listen to all the negative talk about what a marriage "should" be. Jerry is stressed right now beyond our understanding. Men have a terrible time with their ego and just plain the fear of not being able to support the family. Be as supportive as you can, spend less, really cut back and it will be good for everyone. Also, stand up for what you believe and make sure you show Jerry you trust him and that he can count on you. Most Dad's don't really understand how important it is to you to be home and they always think it's easy at home. They just need one day or two in a row to learn how much you are in demand all day long. My husband and I went through a terrible time financially for 5 years and it's still really not over. Things are getting better but we still have lots of debt to pay off. It's been extremely stressful and I had everyone telling me to leave him. He wasn't his best with all the stress and I was at my wits end with four boys (2,4,6 & 17), the main bread winner of the family and the only emotionally strong parent for a LONG time. Now,things are getting much better and I think the only thing that saved our marriage is my faith in him, our trust in God that we were meant to be together and staying focused on the good and positive. There are so many worse situations out there that it's easy to get sucked into the negative talk. Sounds like you are postive and just need a pep talk. Keep growing and enjoying through this difficult time and stay bright and positive. He'll come through for you all. Take care and be focused on the important things today and the bright future! Just keep seeing you and Jerry with the little guys together at special events and enjoying simple pleasures over time. It will give you strength and a smile. And do all the little things you can to support Jerry but be firm with him too. Remind him when it's time to pull up his boot straps and make it happen. And remind him of your great value in the family dynamics. Those little boys need you most now and Daddy a lot more when they start to turn 3-4. :) Of course they need you both always but they'll want to do more Daddy stuff when they get a little older. He'll see! Take care and bless you! K. @ ____@____.com

Have you heard the song "Mr. Mom"? If he is laid off right now, let him stay home with the kids while you go to work. Try it for a while, and then he will see the it is real work staying home with the kids. Sure, you will miss your kids during the day, but think of the bonding they will get with their dad. Plus if he's not working you could probably use the income, and it will give you a chance to meet some new people.

Hi M.,
You are in a tough spot and the first thing you need to do is make sure you tell your husband what you told us, that you love him, every day. Some ideas for you are make sure you do both have separate interests. Join a momma and me group that will get you out of the house with the boys and maybe establish other momma friends for during the day. Encourage your husband to take advantage of his extra time to spend it with his boys, and finally I suggest talking to a third party together about the tragedies in your life. I hope this helps and I wish you all the good luck in the world!
S.

Hi there. I so understand. My husband and I went through some tough times. I went to counseling for one year before he decided that it would be better to go and talk things out rather than lose me. So, we went to couples counseling for 10 months. Because of this, we learned HOW to communicate again. It's funny, how you lose touch of how to do this. Then, we both had the courage and support of one another to do invitro and we now have our beautiful baby boy who is 4 months. Staying home with the baby is awesome but finacially hard.

My best advice to you is to get out! Go to the movie even by yourself. Go see Juno! It's darling. Send your husband out with the guys to see a movie or play pool. It will help a lot! Counseling can be expensive but there is a book that I just love. It's called Conscious Loving: the journey to co-commitment by Gaylord and Kathlyn Hendricks.

M.,
Wow....I can relate. My husband and I are just coming out of the most stressful and intense time in our lives up to this point. Our baby boy almost died, but through the past incredibly hard year, our marriage and our relationship with God is stronger then ever. The only "advice" I can give you is to fully rely on God and His strength and love - He will prove Himself faithful to provide for your every need - from finances, to rest, to romance! God is good and He loves you and I more then we can imagine. One thing I did and do have to remind myself all the time is to keep my priorities straight of God, my husband, my kids. After that comes the house, my friends, my side job, etc. Remember to play together - play outside and laugh at each other. Be silly with your husband, and remind him that you still think he's funny and adorable.

Sarah (wife and mother of 3 adorable children ages 4, 3, 20mo)

If you're in the Boulder area of Colorado call up Parenting Place, they have mom/kid groups to hang with, plus another way to meet other moms is at a local park/play ground, even an indoor play area at a mall...
This is how I met many moms and we've gone out to parties and lunches for 4 some odd years now. You can also start up a group of your own by advertising at coffee shops, churches, you get the idea. I bet you'll find your self becoming a 'rock' for others to look up to and follow...
good luck and have fun...

As far as friends go- try your local Craigslist under strictly platonic, w4w. I know, it sounds so silly, but, at least here where i am, there are always moms on there looking for friends, and I have even posted my own ad once asking for another SAHM!!! Good Luck!

I don't really know what to do about your marriage, but I know something that has totally helped me out over the years of being a stay-at-home mom. I joined a MOMS Club about 4 years ago and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me! I have met some of my best friends through this and it has allowed me to "have a life" outside of being a wife and a mom! Google MOMS Club and you should come up with quite a few. I am in the Westminster Club.

Good luck!
K.

M.- It sounds like a lot has been going on in you and your husband's lives and it may be taking a tole on both of you. Don't give up! I think every relationship has its struggles, it just takes finding the right way to deal with it. Counseling could help the two of you to learn to communicate better with each other, which i know has been a struggle for my husband and me. Don't stop talking to each other. Also it is good to set aside time for you and your hubby to be together without the kids. This can also help to strenthen your relationship and give you the needed time to talk to each other. Some of the problems I think my husband and I have comes from not having time for each other. I also have 2 boys and they take a lot of time. I think you should go out with friends as well. both you and your husband need to have your own time on your own as well, especially with him home all the time now. While you are together, find activities you can do as a family, like going for a walk, or to the park, watching a movie, or even a game you can all play, or reading a book.Those at least don't cost money. Be creative! As long as you are both comitted and love each other and can get through the hard times, you should be all right. Hang in there.

M.,

I have to say that your message hit home with me as I am going through a similar craziness and I can relate, I am a Mom of 3 boys and have been married to my husband going on 17 years this year, praise God! My advice to you is PRAY together, that is the one way that has helped us through the years, especially when we got back together after our one 3-month separation. Your kids will thank you later for leaving a legacy to them through a marriage that shows them God's sacrificial love.....it is the only way.

Hi M.,

I am 39, and separated from my husband. I also have two wonderful little boys, 5 and 3...they are 19 months apart. We went through something so similar, my husband lost a great job, after we had made the decision to have me stay at home with our kids. I had a great career, but waited a long time to have kids and I wanted to stay home and raise them with our values, be a great mom. My husband sort of seemed jealous and to resent i was home, after losing his job. He was unemployed for a year, we went through all of our retirement funds, we almost lost our house. He then got an idea to start a business. It was a brilliant idea, but launched us into more debt, lot's of stress, too much time together, life has been a struggle. He ended up having an affair, with a friend of mine, I caught them. Now we have been separated for a year, divorce is pending...Does this make you feel better about your situation? Sorry, I just reread and its pretty depressing, but I want you to know how very important it is to recognize, and it sounds like you do, the importance of what you do right now. Why not go back to work temporarily, let him stay home while he is laid off. Let him appreciate all you do and have done. You will get some you time, and it can be just for now, When he gets back on his feet, he will want to go back to work, he will love you and all that you provide for your family. You can show him you love him enough to help out financially while he works things out. I don't know. might not be the best person to ask. I just wish I had done things differently. I am in a place, I never thought I would be. I have lot's of dreams of how life should have been. We will be okay, me and my boys, but it won't be easy. take care. good luck

K.

To get out of the house and to have more things you can do as a family, check around your area for a children's museum, or a regular museum. You would be surprised how much little kids like this. My daughter is 13 months old and one of my friends turned me onto this. She gets so excited to see the dinosaurs, and all the other exhibits. It also helps you to not feel couped up. For you to meet new people, get online and see if your area has a Mom's club. They usually have play dates once a week and a Mom's meeting once a month where they will bring guest speakers in about various things that interest the Moms there. I have friends who go to Mom's club and I am waiting for the next play date but my daughter has been sick. For you and your husband, try to praise him for the good things he does and let him know that you are still prod of him. I found that reminding my husband of how proud I am of him and to be a part of his family really helped. Hope this helps

Grace - having grace for one another will help alot! With all the stress you have going on right now, how could you not expect that to affect your marriage! I think you're doing great, hang in there! You're not ignoring it, you realize that you guys are losing each other and you're trying to do something about it. You need time alone together without the kids, swap childcare with a friend, and go have coffee together (cheap date). Talk about your hopes, dreams, reminisce about what made you fall in love with each other... Find a MOPS group near you, they are great for support and it gives you some time away, and time for your boys to play with other kids. Hope that helps! Hang in there!!!

M.,
It sound like a lot of stress in your life! Could you possibly get a job to help out until he canfind something. It would help him see what you do all day and give you a little time out. I would discuss this with your husband so he does not feel threatened by you going back to work. Also make it clear it is your way of helping the family until he can get back to work.

He needs a lot of support and emotion encouragement at this time. These issues are not easy or to be ignored. He needs time and space to deal with all the upheaval in your lives.

You need also to find a way to connect without spending any money. My husband and I used to put the kids to bed early and have a romantic dinner. No TV; no phone calls; Just the two of you. Feed eachother and get some spray whipped cream and lick it off each other. Use your imagination. I hope this is apportirate(SP) to suggest.

Also have a family time to do crafts or a game. The boys might be a little young for this but your could go to the park and choose a different one every week.

Your husband could also have bonding time with the boys. He could walk around Home Depot and talk to them about the different tools and the names of pipe pieces and stuff.
They would all eat that up.

Good Luck,
C. B

Just one suggestion I have is go to the rec center and attend some fitness classes and bring the boys along. There are alot of mom's there and gaining self esteem through exercise is always a positive note. As a family you can swim and play in the pool and the price is well within reason. You can also walk the track together as a couple and talk and get in shape. Check it out!

Hi M.,

I can't stress enough that you need some time for you. Join a mops group (mothers of preschoolers) Southeast Christian Church has one on Jordan Rd. in Parker.

Your husband also needs to get out with his friends. You can both join a friendship group that meet once or twice a month. You might also try going for walks when the weather is nice.

Hope this helps...
It is hard for a lot of people these days, and it is only going to get worse, so I would suggest getting in with a group who can help you through it.

Encouraging Word:

Saturday 3/1/2008

But he led his own people like a flock of sheep, guiding them safely through the wilderness.

Psalm 78:52, NLT

Blessings,
C.

Hi M.,
First thing is to remember that communication is important and at present you are under the impression your husband doesn't value your contribution from what I read. I imagine he does, but he is probably used to taking control and solving things even if there is nothing to be solved. Reinforce to him that you would rather spend time with him than "go out with the girls"--just tell him that in a loving way. Then develop family activities that he feels a part of--even have him organize and plan some of them so he really feels involved. how you approach him with that may take some thought.

Always remember that if you are truly happy in your circumstances--show it, express it and handle the stress with as much grace as you can, always knowing that it is stressful and being forgiving to yourself. Men don't tend to deal with loss or pain really well and seeing their wives handle it with grace is helpful sometimes; or perhaps he needs you to express your understanding of the difficult situation and show him with love how both of you can manage it and recover from it. You are the best judge of how to lead with love and what to do in order to help the situation.

All that being said: capitalize on nap times and quiet times in the household. Manage the household and make sure you have a scheduled day so your husband sees the management and organization skills that go into what you do. Make sure the nap times, bath times, feeding times are all structured. Coordinate and plan your park days/times and other activities so the children are less restless and more compliant so you can count on some rest time and time with your husband. I found when my children were younger,that if I just followed a regular routine, my children were more stable, happy and content--so since I couldn't count on my husband to come home at a regular time, I made sure the children were fed at the same time each day and that they knew what to expect from our daily schedule of activities for breakfast, reading, show time, library, museum and so forth. Helping the children to be stable, helps everyone to cope.

I hope this helps!

You and your hubby need to recognize the difficult time you are going through & agree to meet it as a team. However that looks for your relationship thats the essence, because dealing w/ death is a thing that can really separate people. As far as not being appreciated, well get out & let him have your boys for a while. That should serve both purposes:) I too have very few friends w/ children so I joined some "meet ups" if you do a web search you can find them & they have all types. Some meet often, some almost never, most are free but some do have dues. Hope this is helpful
K

The best advice that I can give is that it is all about families! As you are a SAHM, you know the value of family and all that comes with it. The best things you can do for your marriage are simply but very powerful.
1-Pray together...morning and night...acknowledge to the Lord in front of your husband, just how much you cherish him and he will do the same when it is his turn to pray. That single act alone with bring such deep love and appreciation into a marriage that words cannot express. I have been married for almost 22 glorious years and before my sweetheart and I where even married, we prayed everytime we were together and that has been our way of life since before day one!
2-Pray as a family...morning and night...nothing is more wonderful than when children see their parents praying and the love that is felt between the parents and for the children...miracles WILL happen.
3-Have a DATE NIGHT! Every week, just you and him and keep it real simple...even if it is just a drive to the ice cream shop for a treat or walk around the block...my husband and I love to see how far we can make $20 go! We get real creative and it is a hoot! But the thing is...you must just have time for the two of you, no kids, just you and your sweetheart!
4-Have a Family night! Each WEEK! One that is really fun, have treats, a lesson on values, a game for the kids AND parents or an activity of some kind. My kids love it and we still have it even though our children are in college and high school, it is fun and yet this seems to be the time that they really open up and wonderful communication takes place.
5-last but not least- read together-read the scriptures as a family and/or a couple. The power of the Good Word of God will heal any marriage, after all, if the one piece of advice that I could give you, it would be that my husband and I have ALWAYS had a third person in our marriage and that has been God. It is HE that makes our marriage whole because it is HE that has sanctioned that a man and woman should leave their fathers and mothers and CLEAVE one to another, and to Him.

I know these action items will help you and your sweetheart as much as they have helped me and my sweetheart. Marriage is truly an amazing blessing and I could not ever imagine my life without my dear sweet husband by my side, he is truly my best friend! May God bless you in your marriage.

M.,

First and foremost don't give up on anything. Not your marriage, kids, or even your husband finding another job. You need to talk with your husband about your feelings. Don't place blame. Ask what he thinks and how you two as a couple can work through this. Counseling for yourself is always good just to have time to reflect. If that is not something you can do financially try writing in a journal. I suggest once a week read over what you have written and see if the issue/issues are still there. If so you can either talk about this with your husband or write him a letter explaining your concerns. Sometimes writing can be more effective.

I would also try to take some time for you. Letting your husband be in charge for a couple of hours is not a bad idea. But I warn you when you get home ask for the basics no details. Let the time your husband has with the kids be their time. Smile and thank him for having some time off.

If you go to church sometimes they will have mentor couples that you and your husband can talk with. Keep the faith and envision that things will get better. If you see only bad things only bad things will come to you. See the good in your husband and be thankful for what you have. I think that it is great you are taking the first steps to finding a solution. Best of luck to you and your family.

Tell him the things that you said...he is the love of your life,etc. Help him feel needed. Ask for his help. Ask him to watch the kids so you can go out. Compliment him on things he does. Build him up. Find ways to celebreate your love for each other. Turn to each other for help. Talk. Tell him you love him.

You are so lucky to stay home!!!! The best thing to give your boys is the gift of always being there for them! At the same time you need to feed yourself and your marriage. It is time to find a good weekend babysitter and go on a real date once a week!! You also need to plan a get away with just your husband every few months! You also need to join a mom/kid group so that you have adult interaction with women who are in your same situation.
As far as your extended family, Pray for them and by feeding yourself you can support them when they need you the most.
You are very very lucky to have this oppotunity to be at home! I know it is tuff (I had 5 children in 9 years), but to be a 24/7 mom is the most precious thing in life! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
JS

Wow M.! You have a lot going on. My boys are now 6 and 4 1/2, (17 months apart) and I was in your position. I had always worked and wanted more than anything to stay home with kids instead of putting them in daycare. For your sanity and need we all have for girl time, find a MOPS group, or play group. Not only for the interaction your kids get, but other moms you will meet. I didn't do this, and I really should have. I let my shyness keep me from stepping out, and really felt like I started to lose myself. Once we got to the age of preschool, I started to make friends again and it made such a difference for me.

The other thing I would suggest for you since your husband is home is that you take a morning 1 day a week, to do what you want to do and let your husband watch the kids. Not only does it give you a little space since you are both home, but you get "you" time to shop or get groceries in peace and quiet. Whatever you want to do. It really does make you a better mom to just get away a little bit.

I hope that your husbnad finds another job soon and that things smooth out for you. I know the feeling of thinking you are losing yourselves that comes with kids especially when they are that close together. Just try to communicate a lot and hopefully he will understand that they need you more than anything at this stage in their lives.

Careful there! Your husbands ego is about as low as it can get. After having been able to support you and the boys and now he is laid off. Be careful not to bruise him further. Keep everything positive! No fault finding with anyone! You, him, or his boys. Yes, I know they are also, your boys. But most importantly, right now they are his boys. Involve him in the care of the boys, if he will! Continue to make him the most important aspect of your life. I know that sounds hard, or maybe more importantly, very difficult. He must be feeling really pretty useless right now. How can you engage him, with out letting him feel worse. After you all are back on track, maybe you can go back to the way things were!

I think Colorado Springs Utilities is looking for several water pipefitters right now. Have him check www.csu.org and go to employment.

Another suggest, listen to Dr. Laura in the afternoons. She has some ausome suggestions.

Take care!

Good Luck!

Hi M.. Since your husband is currently laid-off, maybe finding fun free things to do with the 4 of you would bring you closer together. A picnic, going to the park, a simple walk, or going to any type of "museum". With your husband being home, maybe finding a volunteer opportunity for yourself even 1 day a week will not only give you a break, but also give you the chance to meet people with similar interests and give your husband the chance to be at home with the boys himself!!

Good luck!

Hello M..

Am really sorry about your family members. Aside from all the bad things that have happened to you. I think the most import thing you should try to focus on is the people around you. Your family, I am a stay at home mom, myself. My husband also lost his job in December right before Christmas. So I know all the stress that it can bring. However inspite of that, deep down I knew we would be okay. He is now working from home. So I understand that when your around each other so much it can be hard. But, also very good. In my case I try to keep myself busy around the house with the cleaning and of course I try to spend alittle time on the computer reading about pregnancy stuff. We are also expecting our 2nd baby. When my husband lost his job, and I pregnant, and all the bills waiting. I thought to myself I could either be depressed or think to myself, things can not get any worse but BETTER. I love my husband too. But, I have to make the situation better. So I decided to do little things that I know he likes. I would make him a special meal for him or make his favorit dessert. Anything to bring his spirits up.

Try to encourage him that everything will work out, and that he could always count on me. I think to release some of the worries we would take walks to the park with our daughter. I would write small notes telling him I will help you with whatever I can, and just let him know that he wasnt alone.

However, being pregnant and not working or bringing any income in. I felt useless. But, I think just with me being helpful, and understanding around the house, made him realize that we were going to be okay.

Sometimes life has its ups and downs but, never give up. I hope this kinda of helps.

Good luck.
C.

Hey M.... I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're coping with. Try to focus on the good stuff as challenging as it may be. I felt like you were paralleling my life, as we have 2 kids (5 and 2) and have lost 2 family members to cancer and as we speak, my husband has had to leave town to be with his own Dad as he moves through the last part of his journey... Just simply dealing with the loss of loved ones, the financial strain is so huge! And then add in your little ones and trying to "be" there for them, etc. They definitely are dealing with this all too.... unfortunately. One thing that we've done better during this third loss is not allowing it to permeate our daily lives. ie, keeping phone calls more private (so the kids aren't hearing and feeling the emotion) and working harder to not argue in front of the kids about all that is going on. My 5 yr ol was having an extremely difficult time after our 2nd loss, for many reason that I can't go into now for the sake of writing so much, but we were under SO much pressure and I was feeling so distant from my husband as well... we've had to take a deep breath and start focusing on our own life more, look around you and focus on what IS good in your life - take it one step at a time and KNOW that you are loved!! IT's important to find that for yourself, THEN you will find the energy back to start giving back to your husband and your kids. Yes, they are so important, but YOU are too. So, be good to yourself and really think about what you need to start finding yourself back... when you are in a good place, the rest will start to follow. Even though this is a rough spot in your journey, it is getting better and you will be stronger because of it. You & Jerry will be even stronger as you work through this. Stay focused on the positive - and still, let yourself simply BE and work through the pain of the negative. Does any of that make sense?? It's been a long journey for me as well with so many of the same things you seem to be going through. My husband & I almost split up about 3 yrs ago, and had we not gone through that extremely tough time, I'm not sure we would've been able to cope with the extreme pain of losing the loved ones we have. You are strong, and if you stay more focused on good things, you will move through this and be in an even better place than before!!

I feel for you. Though my husband is not home during the day, I have a 2 year old and a 1 month old and sometimes I feel like he thinks I don't do as much as he does just because he works outside the home. I make a list of things that I need to do during the day and then I tell him what I did that day so he knows I'm not just sitting on the couch eating chocolate and watching soap operas.
It sounds like you and your hubby have too much together time with nothing to really do. Set aside a half hour or so while the kids are napping to just snuggle. One thing that really helped with my marriage was taking baths together and just talking. It really helped us reconnect. We didn't even realize how little we talked until then. GOOD LUCK!

your husband's layoff can be a blessing for your boys, especially the oldest. i think boys really need rough play time with male role models on a regular basis. at least once a week my husband does things like wrestling, pillow fights, playing ball, and going to the park-- just the boys so i get some time alone. he also made swords out of those foam pool noodles. he cut a hole in one end and inserted a piece of an old broom handle. foam sword fighting has been a favorite game of our oldest since he was about the same age as your oldest. my husband gets a little frustrated teaching them to play soccer because they get distracted so easily still, but he enjoys teaching them other things like taekwondo (sp?) and tumbling moves. basically anything he enjoyed when he was little can be fun to pass on to his boys. we take pictures of them doing things together and put it in a 3-ring binder called "the daddy and me book". when daddy is working and they miss him, we get out the book and they are reminded of how much he loves them and enjoys being with them. this also helps them to not feel that he likes work better than being with them.
unfortunately it took my husband having surgery for him to finally realize how busy i am taking care of everyone all day. all he could do was lay on the couch and watch us, dependent on me for everything and having to wait his turn at times because taking care of the boys' needs was just as important as his own. i don't think he realized their needs were so important before, because until then he often complained that i paid more attention to them. sometimes it takes a while for husbands to get a clue! :)
as far as yourself, picking up a new (or old, ignored) hobby, especially a creative one can be a lifesaver. i got into scrapbooking because i was given some scrapbooking stuff for Christmas one year. (i really thought it was a silly waste of time and money until i tried it.) some of the local scrapbooking stores have project rooms that are free to use as long as you purchase something from them that day. so i take my coupons, spend a couple dollars on some interesting paper, and spend a couple hours using the store's equipment and ideas to make something fun. sometimes i'm the only one there and sometimes i make a friend, but either way, i come home to my rowdy guys refreshed.