Advice Regarding an Almost 5 Year Old and His Apparent 'Stranger Anxiety'

Hi T.,
My 5 year old son does the same thing. I believe he is a sensitive child. I know as a young child I was always shy and reserved so I understand their pain. I do not push him, but allow him to come around when he is comfortable. I understand your pain as well. It does become embarrassing when you do not know what to do. My advice is to love him through it and pray that you will both come through unscathed. You might want to look up something on sensitive children. Some advice that is given on the website may be helpful to you. God bless!

Most children go through a phaze like the one you are talking about and there is no time limit to this. Try to ease his "pain" by telling him every day there will be new things he will find and let him know it is a godd adventure to find new things and it is OK for him to be a bit frightened by these things also. Don't offer him the ability to back away but instead tell him to look at it and see if he might want to try it. If he says no then let him know there may be times (like school or in public) where he will not be able to leave but he may have to stay there and watch what is going on. He may also want to try it later during that particular situation to see if he likes it. (Even singing in school). The thing is to let him know he may not always have control to leave or stop the situation but to learn to live with it. Also sometimes it is a good thing to have a sense of caution to not proceed into the areas he may not be safe in, but he should look at them before deciding just where to go and what to do. Let him know that school is a good place to try new things because the teacher will help him not to be scared or get hurt and he will learn so many new things. There are also counselors (usually school has someone) out there that may be able to talk to him if he is traumatized to the point of not experiencing anything new.

When my oldest was around that age he acted similarly. We tried deperately to understand how this intelligent, well adjusted little guy became so afraid. It was irrational. He suddenly paniced in places he was perfectly familiar. Like school! He'd been with the same kids for two years and was in the last 3 weeks of school and all of a sudden began having these horrible separation anxiety behaviors. I'm talking about the school director having to remove him from class, pry him off my leg...
I RAN to a pyschologist; sure that he had been molested or something...
Turns out that at 5 he was "blessed" with the rationalization abilities of a nine year old. So this poor little angel had been trying to self explain life, death, the world... who knows what else! The other half of his brain and the functional abilities were still at age 5-6, so he couldn't cope with the thoughts and worries that he was having. So he cried and cried; even in places he was familiar. He, like your child, was hysterical during the class play. And songs that mentioned emotions sent him into a shell.

Perhaps you could talk with a child psychologist to see if he can verbalize SOMETHING that you can work with to move in a direction that will find him comfort. Once we determined that the underlying fears were things that were SO simple to explain away, he became his old, wonderfully happy self again. It takes consistency and teamwork among adult caregivers to rebuild the base level of security. But DO know that it is more than likely nothing your family has done, but rather the way he PERCEIVES somthing in his world. As it turns out, my son was afraid of growing up because he will have to move out. He also had misinterpreted our comments of affection. We SO love our children and would say simple things like, "you make me so happy" or "you make people smile!". He thought that it was his JOB to make me and everyone else happy and was afraid he'd FAIL!

We learned from a wonderful child psychologist how to determine what a sneaky worry is and to problem solve together to put those irrational fears to rest.

I hope this rambling helps!

Hi, T.! Could it be that he is embarrassed or overly shy and doesn't want any attention on him? When you go to the store is he like this or only on occasions where there is a focus on your family? My son is very shy and he has a difficult time with attention given to him, and he can even be almost rude to people. It is embarrassing to us as parents, because we don't raise him to act this way, and we don't know what to do to change his behavior. If you think it is a fear of getting singled out or "noticed", you might try pointing out something interesting in the situation the second he gets into the room. If you notice that he is starting to stress before you get into the situation, try role playing what will happen in the situation. That has helped my son feel more confident. Above all, let him know you are proud of him and love him no matter what feelings he shows. Maybe he needs a little extra "coddling" right now, and holding his hand when you walk into unfamiliar surroundings might help. Is he stressed about Kindergarten coming next year? Pre-K has probably mentioned that alot, and maybe it is causing some extra anxiety. Go visit the school and play on the playground and get him familiar with it, if you think that might be part of it. I hope it is a short-lived issue for your family. But if it is not, know that some kids are just overly shy and have a difficult time in social situations- mine being one of them. They just need a little extra patience and guidance. God Bless!

It almost sounds like he had a really bad nightmare or got some bad information - or heard the stranger danger talk that someone else suggested. If it was a nightmare, he may not exactly recall it, but feels the fear in these situations. Or it may just be intense shyness - which he won't necessarily outgrow, but will become learn to adjust to these situations. I have a nephew who used to burst out crying when people sang Happy Birthday. No one knew why - he loves music and noise doesn't bother him. But even with the people he was most comfortable with, he would freak if anyone sang that song. One can only imagine that he must have had a nightmare involving that song. All his parents could do was comfort him and remove him from the situation. At age 4, kids have trouble separating dreams from real life. Fear isn't always rational. Sounds like you are already doing the right thing. One other thing tht crossed my mind and I'm really hesitant to even mention it because the thought is so awful...is there any chance that someone has done something inappropriate to him? Something so awful he can't even tell you? God, I hope not.

I am having a similar issue with my son. He, too, is almost 5. He was in Pre-K this year, and he will go to Kindergarten next year. Just in the last month, he has developed a fear of the dark. It was so sudden that I think something happened or was said at school or day care to set it off for him.
I found the following information on MentalHeath.net under Child Development and Parenting. This was part of an article about preschoolers. It made me feel better about my DS and how we handled his new fear.

"Fear is another strong emotion that many children experience intensely during the early childhood stage. Because children at this age often have very active imaginations and are still learning the difference between reality and make-believe, they are very susceptible to strong fears. In particular, young children often have intense fears of lightening, thunder storms, monsters under the bed, or other scary dangers their minds create. Many children also experience nightmares, or bad dreams during early childhood.

Parents can help young children by offering some extra emotional support in a way that doesn't ignore or minimize the true fear their children are experiencing. For example, caregivers can put a night light in the child's room to help lessen shadows and the monsters that may lurk in the unlit bedroom corners at night. After a nightmare or during a storm, caregivers can offer support and physical comfort such as hugs.

Caregivers can also foster autonomy and confidence by helping their kids think of creative and lighthearted ways to deal with fears. Children can be taught to use a simple prayer or silly song to help them feel safe and in control of the situation. For example, Grandpa can play a game with Jimmy at night to "spook the closet monster" by shining a flashlight into the closet as part of the bedtime ritual in order to exterminate any ghouls, goblins, or sock-eating creatures. Jimmy can laugh, but also feel a sense of pride that he is in charge of the situation."

Hope this helps!
M.

Kids change. Both my kids were happy in the water from the time they were 4-5 mos. old. Each of them had a spell when they were afraid of lakes or oceans. They hit an age when they understood the dangers. Before that, they were unaware and therefore very brave in the water. We kept going to beaches and in no time playing on the sand was not enough fun. They each "grew" out of it.

You don't mention "all the different things" you have tried. I would suggest making a point of taking him to all kinds of different places. Don't make a big deal out of it and try to make them fun. Go to a outdoor summer concert where maybe he can walk around and not have to be perfectly quiet. Take him to summer festivals. Maybe try some swim lessons or music lessons that would require him to deal with different adults. MAYBE the more situations he is in, he will get more comfortable with the situations.

Good luck.

One of my daughters was like this at about age 3-4. It is much better now at 5 1/2. She still gets nervous being in front of a group or the center of attention, but doesn't cry. She is still shy in front of strangers, but it isn't as extreme as it was.
I think her 2 years of preschool really helped (even though they had to literally pry her off of me for the first 2 weeks). I also had her in a dance class with her twin sister and a friend. I did NOT put her in one where she would have to get up on stage.. they did a performance in the room every 6 weeks for the parents. She was VERY nervous at first, but did it. I told her ahead of time and she would cry and get upset and I talked to her... telling her it was just other mommies and a few daddies and asked her, "Should the other kids be afraid of me?" She did tumbling this year, with no problems. I think these things made her more self confident. I don't know where you live, but the Renaud Spirit Center in O'Fallon has some great classes.
I know it is frustrating, but just be patient. It should get better as he gets older and experiences new things. I used to let my daughter go hide in her room and go in a few times to try to coax her out and let her cling to me with her face buried in my shoulder. It used to take her a long time to warm up to people. Good luck.

Good Morning T., have they been doing the "Stranger Danger" in school? Maybe there's something that you tell him before hand that there will be people there that even momma and daddy do not know but it's ok we will be there together.

School programs it's pretty common for little ones to not sing and cry, they are a sometimes a shy little bunch. We have seen nose pickers, tantrums, pee-pee hops at programs, couple of times even shoving matches.

You can always show him where mom and dad will be standing at programs and he should just look at you and his teacher. And Smile really big.

Don't be embarrassed he is definitely going through something that needs your love and attention no matter where you are.

Best of everything to you and your little man. He will come through OK with a lot of love & patience.

God Bless
K.