Advice Re Not Allowed to Visit Grandson

Hi,

This may come across as harsh and I don't mean it to be as such. I am on the other side of your fence and I'd like to share my story to give some balance.

I do not allow my mother to see my children and haven't for almost 2 yrs now. She will not be allowed to see them or speak to them until they are of legal adult age and make the choice to see/talk to her themselves. (they are 13 and 11) At this point I know my mother is sad but protecting my family is my priority.

My mother made many errors of interfering with my family over the years - being very inappropriate with me in front of my kids, being inappropriate with them, causing many more problems with my husband and I when we separated that hurt the children deeply. The list goes on and on. Two years ago she made the grave error of threatening to take them away from us (my ex husband and I) by any legal means possible if we chose to homeschool them - something we were comfy with but she felt was wrong - therefore we were wrong and unfit parents (yes she said that to me). That was my last straw. There are many more things that go into this story that led to my final decision to put her completely out of our lives at least for many years - but that is the basic story.

While I feel for your situation no one here knows the full extent and all sides of your story. We don't know what your personality is, if you were a meddling grandparent or if your ex is really one of those jerks who can con everyone into believing they are God's gift.

I don't know what to tell you about feeling down about it all. I truly believe that in situations like this there is a reason for the breakdown in communication and it comes from all sides involved. Perhaps talking with your son about joint counseling would help to break down a wall that was put up 10 yrs ago. You won't be able to establish with the grandchild unless you establish a relationship with your son. You have healing with your son that needs to occur first... You might even suggest to your sisters the same thing - counseling to rebuild that relationship.

I always say that if someone doesn't want you around, look to yourself and see if their reasons don't actually have some validity to them. I had to give myself a HARD look many years ago when I was being told things about myself that I didn't want to hear. When I took a good close look and was honest with myself - some, not all, but some of what was being said was true. And I tell you what - that really SUCKED! :) It takes a lot of strength to look at ourselves honestly and acknowledge that maybe we do have some character flaws that could use some fixing... I dearly wish my mother would acknowledge this for herself - but she won't. She is a victim, has always been a victim and is a fabulous martyr. If someone doesn't agree with her way of doing things THEY are WRONG - because of course her way is always the right way. And if they don't take her advice on how to do something she takes it personally as if they are telling her she is wrong and stupid and not simply making a choice that works for them. I love her very much, but cannot allow her to threaten my family the way she did. And so, she has no contact.

I wish you luck on this...I know this must be a tough situation for you. I feel for my mother too. We all make our beds and have to lie in them - and if we are lucky, we can figure a way to remake them so we have our families by our sides...snuggling in warm and cozy. :)

Much luck to you...

Warmly,
J

I'm the parent on this beautiful 4 year old boy.
Here's my take:

Just some clarification and then on with my feedback... Her son didn't "side" with his dad and the ex didn't "encourage" it. He actually encouraged our patience and understanding through the tough times. WOW!
While expecting our son we went to therapy to work this out. Needless to say, it failed. All we asked is that you let bygones be bygones and leave the divorce in the past. Everyone has moved on. You wanted your son to choose. He shouldn't have had to choose. Your ongoing hostility is obvious even today. My heart goes out to you. I was very sad for you after the family reunion. I can't imagine having to watch my grandson interact without being able to squeeze him and tell him how much I love him. As a mother, I am sorry.

I hope that someday in your lifetime you realize we DO LOVE YOU and would love to have a relationship but it's going to take lots of time, understanding and accountability. It's just not the way you see it. You can feel the way you feel but please don't expect us to feel the same way. My husband loves his dad dearly and grandpa is my son's hero. Kids involved in a divorce should never be expected to choose a side. As a family, we chose to sever ties because we didn't want this situation to trickle down another generation. If you were able to show us that it wouldn't have affected my beautiful son the way it ripped apart my husband, things would be different. I'm a mother simply trying to protect my son from this nonsense which causes so much hurt for everyone.
Am I wrong for that?

Hopefully this will change someday but until then, I'm glad you are using this outlet for feedback and support. You are loved by your family but overtaken by anger, bitterness and "sides". We are unable to choose our family and we wish to cherish it ~ Life is too short to live in the past ~ make amends with your son and his family ~ You won't regret it!

N.,

That's a tough situation. Have you tried to reconcile with your son? I think at this stage you need to write a letter to your son and also one to you grandson and ask to be forgiven. You don't lay out the specifics so I can't provide too much guidance but it seems you need to see if you can rectify the situation in any way. Swallowing alot of pride and not getting into any tit for tat about your x may help you get your family back.

You may also condider setting up a college savings fund or some sort of jesture that demonstrates you are trying to do the right thing.

Best,
N.

J. C.

I am Tara's mother. Your kids do love you. Every holiday and birthday, you are missed. This situation has caused much heartache to everyone involved, but especially for your son. He is such a wonderful person and a loving husband and Dad.

Consider being a member of the family. But also beware that entails all of us. We spend much time with my ex-husband and his wife when we are in CA. We have in fact, become friends again and I adore his new wife. She is such a wonderful mother in my absence.

We live in NC and do not get to see our beloved grandson often. IF they told me I had to wear a cow costume to be able to see my grandson, I would ask where to get one. Nothing would keep me from this wonderful, bright, funny and darn good looking kid. And being so far away, I cannot image what is so important to keep you from him, 5 miles away.

Nothing changes when we do the same old things. A new perspecitve is needed. Please consider turning your engeries in a positive direction toward your grandson.

Much regard,
J.

I have a great aunt who was in a similar situation. She did live further away, but would just make her plans and show up. She would send email or call first and say when she was coming, then she would enter town and knock on the door. Each time she would bring a small gift or a picture. She would get to see her granddaughter for small bits of time. After years the granddaughter asked to see her more. Although she never gained back her relationship with her son, the one with the granddaughter grew.

Start a small scrapbook just for him of all the things you want to share and tell him. One day, when the time is right you can share it with him. He will know you were thinking about him and will appreciate it. In the meantime, send notes or cards to him now. Any communication is better than none. He will get older soon enough and ask about you.

Don't dwell on why you can't see him, just focus on what you can do.

I have a friend who's daughter-in-law abducted the kids in a custody dispute. They have disappeared. She is a wonderful woman who spends hours volunteering in church Sunday school, she is a MOPS childcare giver, and she helps with the childcare for a weekly women's Bible study. Through this contact with young moms, she has encouraged us and has been a virtual grandma to a couple of families who don't have a healthy realtionship with the "real" grandparents.

Consider volunteering in child-oriented programs and investing in a young family that needs your wisdom and support. Of course it won't be the same as a realtionship with your flesh and blood, but you will be loved and appreciated.