I have known a mom from our kids' school for 3 years. I have always been kind and friendly to her. I have noticed the nicer I am to her, the more she feels free to make rude requests of me. I was caught off guard twice, but now I am able to tell her no without feeling shocked or badly. Because she keeps trying to impose on me, I wonder if I am handling it wrong. I do not want it to be awkward or to make her an enemy.
When I invite her one child to come over to play, she always asks if all her kids can come. That is so rude, but I know they are having problems so I did it to let her have a break. I even took them out to the park several times. I understand this is how she is and I am willing to accept this about them. I only invite them over maybe 6 times a year total anyways. Frankly, after today's talk, I probally won't do that again.
When I invited her oldest on a special outing, I explained at the time each child was taking one friend only and it was our treat. I explained there was no room in the vehicle for others and tickets were limited. She later found out another parent was going as a driver and chaperone and asked if she could chaperone and take her other kids too like the other mom. She didn't say it, but she was actually expecting us to cover all their costs as well. I told her I had no more tickets. When her daughter found out the family could not go, she refused to go which was fine because we invited another child who had a great time. We are not going to invited her child anywhere else because she seems to not really want to go and I don't like stress over a fun outing.
Today she saw me and asked me to take her child to a practice. I was taking my child and the neighbor's girl anyway so I would not have minded if her child was ready to go from school with us right then. I explained we go home, eat a snack, and do all our homework before practice. She responded her daughter would not like that. She then asked me if I could go home, then come back and get her daughter right before practice. I told her that would not work for me. She then explained she would have to take all her other kids to practice if she drove her child. I told her they allow parents to wait with children and they allow parents to drop off, which is what I do. She actually told me her child doesn't want to go to practice or be on the team, but she would try to make her go with us. The girl refused.
Does the fact she is so rude mean I am coming across as a pushover? I have the nerve to be firmer or even rude, but I want to handle this right. Any advice?
As a person who has a lot of needs myself sometimes, I think you need to say whay you can and cannot do and leave it at that. If her child cannot do the things you do, then she can't come. If you can do something then do that and let the rest be. She is trying to get help the only way she can and it's up to you to be firm with what you're willing to do. Tough spot. Wish you luck.
I think you are handling it perfectly. It is hard to believe that she is still pushing you the way she is, after you have VERY nicely declined several times before to let her take advantage of you. I feel badly for her kids. There is no need to be rude and it seems to me that you are plenty firm. I would just keep on the way you are going. Good luck!
Keep doing what you're doing. You're handling it really well. Some people are just *that way* :) You're not alone!!
Meanwhile submit it to mompetiton.blogspot.com and see it become a part of her very hilarious blog about some of these same issues.
If you wont miss her as a friend I'd probably steer clear of her... she seems more like a load than anything else. When you have opportunity to offer, offer, other than that "I'm sorry, I just can't fit that in today" should be your answer to her from now on.
Sounds to me like you're hitting a pretty good balance – you tell her each time what is available, what your needs and limits are. With some people, you won't get much better than that – people can be pretty oblivious.
Be easy on this mom, though. She may have a cognitive deficit that leaves her unable to empathize with others. (I know a number of people like this, and when I get to know them better, I find that they do have good intentions.) Or she may have been poorly trained by her own parents. Or she may be one of the (relatively few, in my experience) people to whom guilting and using others just come easily.
At any rate, what's going on with them is their business. What you decide to do with it is yours. Based on what you write, you're doing great, and setting a good example for your child – extending kindness and generosity up to reasonable, sane boundaries.
Are you sure that you don't live in Ohio? I know this person!
You should just limit yourself in the way that you need to. This person has on clue that you really even exist, except to the degree that you can do something for her, and the world revolves around her, as a matter of fact! You can't get through to her, you cannot hint around and have her get it. It would not matter if you told her how you feel. Just do what you have to, say no if you need to, and don't get too close. Everyone needs friends, but this kind of person is so toxic, you will regret it. They drain you, rather than add to your life.
I had to just avoid the person in my life who is like this, which got easier as her children grew apart from mine, which sounds like will happen sooner or later with the daughter if Mom is like this. Sad, really.
M.
I'm confused about what the question even really is here I guess. If I were you I would have stopped this woman in her tracks long ago in a polite, but firm way. I also would have stopped inviting her children anywhere except MAYBE my own home. As for her expecting you to pay for their entire family on an outing, I'm sorry but I would have had a very hard time not laughing out loud at that one.
It doesn't sound to me like you're a pushover, but it does sound like you're allowing this unbelievable woman to make you question yourself & you shouldn't. You know that she's being ridiculous & you're not so just forget about the whole situation and her as well if you can.
While I wouldn't call her a "loser" I do think she is a mom with issues. She sounds overwhelmed or overextended and I think you've been pretty patient and accommodating until now. However, people like this tend to grow into your life like a fungus unless you keep on it. See it for what it is and if I was in your situation, I would def minimize contact and not extend more invitations. Sadly, these types of moms ruin a lot of opportunities for their own kids.
Wow-what a piece of work. I don't think I would even try to say anything to her about her rudeness-just totally lose her. Her daughter doesn't even want to bother with you guys anyhow...sounds like she is forcing her so that you can babysit or do her favors. Just say "no-I can't" anytime she asks you to do something. No reason-just "sorry, can't." Pretty soon she will get the picture. You don't need this user/loser in your life. And I wouldn't say that she thinks you as a 'pushover' per say...just another person for her to use. She has probably been through many like you..people who want to help her and then realize that they are being used by her.
It sounds like she has no social boundaries. It is more than okay to set the boundaries for her. :)
You sound like a GREAT person and have much more patience than I think I would display.
R.
.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - and don't feel guilty. It sounds like you are handling things pretty well. Eventually she will quit asking you (because it doesn't pay off for her).
Some people just are not embarrassed to ask. Makes it hard sometimes. I would be so mortified to do something like that. Think about it - would you do that to her? I highly doubt it based on your question.
Good luck.
It sounds as if this woman's rudeness has very little (if anything) to do with you personally. Stick to your guns when you plan things; if your plans don't work for her, she will need to seek rides/other help elsewhere.
It sounds to me as if this woman is troubled anyhow. Perhaps her whole family is. You know how it is when everything is all wrong at your house - it's hard to interact with other people. I hope perhaps you can keep being friendly to this woman while setting definite boundaries. It could be that she needs a friend and you will be able to help her or her daughter somewhere down the road.
Sounds to me like you are handling everything just right. You are not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and you are still being polite, kudos to you. I would just keep doing what you are, and definitely limit the invites.
I have not yet read the other answers.
Before I say anything about whether she is rude
or whether you are a pushover,
I MUST say . . . .
her child doesn't want to go to practice or be on the team.
So . . . . separate from, and in addition to,
your differences with this woman and her expectations
and her requests to you,
it seems clear (to me) that this woman is pushing one or more
of her children into activities that they don't want to participate in.
Which is not to say I'm against parents encouraging their children
to try some activities . . . lots of situations, lots of reasons.
But, imo, with THIS mother, there's a whole bunch of other stuff
going on.
Without attempting to figure out what (ALL!) is going on with her,
I see her as overwhelmed, unable to manage her children,
her household, her responsibilities.
So she attempts to relieve some of her overwhelmedness
by asking you, and others, to take a child here or there,
or other helpful favors to help her get through the day.
I do NOT think you are a pushover.
I think you are a very nice lady and you have agreed,
more than once, to help this mother out.
I think if you start saying NO, there might be some stress
between the two of you adults, and/or between
some of her children and some of your children.
However, I believe YOU should choose if and when you offer
special events or privileges to children who are not part of your family.
Which you have done.
If you can, you might tell this mother you won't be saying yes
to any of her requests for (a while? the immediate future?
a few weeks?). Which does not mean you won't INVITE
one or another of her children to come along with your children
on some occasions. But only when it's at YOUR initiation,
not at hers.
Good luck.
I would just keep saying no when she makes demands. And do not let her make you waste one single moment feeling guilty about it. Birth control is readily available. She should have thought about using it before she decided she wasn't interested in taking care of her own children.
However, if you daughter expressly requests an outing with this rude mother's daughter, then by all means, invite the girl. But firmly and repeatedly insist that the invitation was issued from your daughter to hers...And not to her entire family.
She made the decision to have all of her kids, so she needs to learn how to handle them -not foist them off on others! I wouldn't necessarily cross the line into rudeness, but I think I would become much firmer with her. For instance, when she said that about you going home and then coming to get her daughter before practice, I would have said, "I can't do that. I have things to do and my time is actually very valuable to me, so you'll need to get ______ to practice some other way." I would just be incredibly matter of fact. She may perceive it as rudeness, but she obviously has no filters or any conception of rudeness! Whenever she asks you to do anything else, tell her you're too busy and you don't change your schedule to accommodate anyone outside of your family. Hopefully that will give her the message!
i do agree with the majority here who feel you are handling it well, being both courteous and firm. losing it and going off on her, as some suggest, would not teach the kids involved anything about how to handle graceless situations well, and wouldn't 'teach' the mom anything either.
she certainly has something missing in the realm of social interaction and has passed this lack along to her kids. your already serviceable boundaries could use a boost in the face of intrusiveness this pervasive.
you have been very gracious thus far in offering her options and explanations. that's what friends do. i think it was entirely appropriate and speaks well of you that have been doing so.
however, since she has made it clear that your courtesy is not going to be returned, it's time to up the ante. remain calm and courteous, but dispense with the options and explanations. 'i'm sorry, i won't be able to do that for you. good luck!', smile, and move on. and if she pushes, just keep it short, clear and don't stick around for the escalation.
considering how often rudeness is treated like some sort of a virtue here, i think you are an exemplary mom handling a difficult situation with admirable grace.
khairete
S.
I can't believe how many people said you are handling this correctly. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. What is happening is that you most definately are a pushover and you are letting her take advantage of you. She sure has some nerve, but you are an enabler. You don't have to make an enemy out of her, but you certainly don't have to be friends or friendly with her, either. You need to cut her off completely and just be civil to her whenever you see her.
sounds to me like you are handling it perfectly - just keep doing what you are doing!!
I would say that you have gone out of your way to include your friends child and family for that matter but if this is the heartache you and your family have to deal with I would really think about the situation. Will this effect your child (who is friends with the moms daughter)? If the answer is no then I would stop trying to include them. I have a friend like this; I still talk to her on occasion but we dont get our boys together anymore. There are to many strings attached when we do. Good Luck in your decision.
I think you handed this correctly. Best to stand your ground and not go out of your way for these people again. Having to take all her children is her obligation not yours.
You are doing a great job!! I am the mom of three that sometimes feels like 20 as my kids are very active and their dad works alot so he isn't here to help me. I only help those who can help me. I do carpool but have switched carpools when one mom isn't doing her share. It took me a while to figure this out but now, my life is filled with understanding caring people who share the driving etc.
Maybe you should ask her to go home, come back to your house and pick up your daughter for practice because you need her to help you out but that your daughter has her schedule :o). See what she says. Maybe you should invite yourself and your family with her on an outing and not bring your wallet.
Good luck and stick to your guns. There are plenty of people out there who will be supportive and helpful and I bet that this mom has alienated some of them as well.
Hi RachaelMarie, at the risk of sound rude myself, I will just say that there are people like that. Their psychology is such that the nicer you are to them, the ruder or meaner they are to you. They look at relationships as seeing what can be gotten out of another person, rather than sharing and mutual respect. Also, there are people who simply do not know where the limits are on favors or rudeness and will simply ask more of people who allow them to do so. I do not know this person, so I do not want to judge her, but if you recognize the first pattern -- then my advice is to limit the relationship. If it is the second one, then you should just keep firmly drawing limits as you have been doing. Either way, you can still be kind and polite, but let her know that she shouldn't be so comfortable asking for favors or imposing on you. So, yes, you are coming across as someone nice enough that she has full confidence in asking for favors -- which is not exactly a pushover -- you are not weak, just nice. But, you need to be nice to yourself too.
Updated
I want to add that I can completely understand that people or families in crisis or facing lots of problems need more help and may feel compelled to ask for help even when it is inappropriate. It is your decision on how much to be involved with her and the family and how much help to give. You should feel good about whatever decision you make and I think you are handling how you limit your involvement perfectly at the moment.
Wow. While I haven't read many responses, I feel sorry for this lady. She is obviously overwhelmed and unorganized. I get the impression that she wants her children to participate in everything at the expense of someone else. Because you are organized and I presume don't have more than one child, you feel put out by her. I suggest having a meeting with her and explain that because you only have one child and you invite her child you are only inviting your childs friend. You will need to explain to her that this is the way it's going to be for all of her kids. They will be invited individually for a play date or to parties, etc. My son is in a similar situation. His best friends live abut a mile away and both have a sibling or two a year or two younger or older than them. I asked the parents what was proper protocol for them and the other siblings. They said that if I invited that one child, that's the one who would come. One parent also told me that on a few ocassions, her younger child wanted to go to the party so she spoke to the parent of the child who invited him and asked if she could pay for her younger one to attend as well. This lady needs to get a grip and find something to do with her other children when one has something to do. Some how she needs to start to enjoy them instead of being burdened with them.
:-) All good answers ladies! I find myself wanting to help, but having to get firm when some people think they have hit the lottery of helpers. Just because I am available does not mean I am going to do something.
I have duties that are not obvious(elderly relative who I am on call to), a husband who is disabled which is why I am not working(he sometimes falls and can't get up, needs help with doors, etc...).
Plus, if your kid is mean to mine, I am not having them back or taking them places. The only second chance would be given to a M. who I am friends with personally.
If you ask me to let all your kids go, I am saying NO from now on.
