Advice on "Going Out" (Dating) in Elementary School

If you don't want him to go that route yet then just explain to him why. If it is because you rushed into things to early then tell him that (leave out details of course). Once you give him your true honest reasoning then tell him to just down play it at school. If he doesn't give it energy then the other kids will be bored with the subject.

Since he is starting to show interest in other girls you may find that he may just kinda "go out" with them anyways. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of them. The biggest thing is to keep the line of communication open. Be honest with him good or bad! You want him to keep coming to you with these things and you want the opportunity to guide him. That way when he does start "going out" with girls you are involved and hopefully teach him to make the right decisions. By the way good for him telling his friends that his mom won't let him. At 10 that is the perfect escape goat.

I will be blunt so as to be clear. There is so much sex in middle school these days that there are actuallly girls who tell the boys that they're having a blow-job contest, to see who can give the most blow-jobs in one week. Then the girls try to schedule the boys into their calendar for that contest.

Massive numbers of sexually transmitted decisions. Including in their mouths! I wouldn't even let him KISS these girls!

Advice (and I'm throwing in all the choices I can think of):

1. Move to a slightly more upscale or more rural area. There will statistically be more of this behavior amongst dense populations of poor people.
2. Start going to church and get the kids involved in the once-a-week youth groups. These groups talk about purity and chastity, and there's peer support to remain chaste. I've been going to the same church forever, and there's only one kid I can recall who went down the wrong path.
3. Transfer the boys to a Christian middle school. This is the grade-range where "going down the wrong path" is most likely to occur.
4. Get books and videos about slutty sex and how it destroys the love and respect people have for themselves and for each other. Make sure you frequently review the horrors of all the rejection after the sex-relationships are over, the diseases, including the fatal ones, and pregnancy.
5. Have the new Dad cover the importance of purity OFTEN.
6. Drastically change around the family's expenses so that you can always be home when your son is home (and this includes skipping any type of daycare).
7. Cut WAY BACK on violent video games and t.v. These two media outlets train our children to accept a lot of awful behavior (violence, sex, and just plain being mean and sarcastic to each other).

I have implemented several of these strategies (I have daughters!). When I quit my job, our income fell in half, stopped buying major expenses like vacations, cars and home repairs, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I agree that 10 is to young. I have always maintained a 16 age for any form of dating or boy/girl parties. And this was always known to my kids. They didn't always like it, but they understood my reasoning. For my house dating is a privilage, no different then driving a car, playing video games etc,..At this age they have one job.. school, start throwing in boy/girl "relationships" and thier focus shifts, and they tend to loose focus of what is really important... family and school. We, as parents, have such a short time to set them up for thier future, why complicate it so early?

Talk with him and be completely honest, but let him know that you will stand firm in whatever age you pick, and that you are doing it for him because you love him.

Funny story, my know 15 year old came to me last year and said she was glad that I had the 16 age, she saw how "stupid and immature" her friends were acting over boys. She liked being able to say "Sorry my mom won't let me", especially to boys she really doesn't like. She is interested in a boy, but knows that if it's going to happen waitning a little longer isn't going to hurt.

Yes! Your gut is right! He is far to young for "dating!" He's only 10, and should be concentrating on sports and schoolwork. I say this is something his father should discuss with him. If that isn't a good idea, then give the job to your husband. Have your husband explain how now days boys in general disrespect girls, and girls just let them so that they can feel like "part of the crowd." He can elaborate on that I'm sure, since he was a boy once and knows what boys have on their minds starting at puberty. He may need a little help from you. If he doesn't know about sex and the consequences by now, he should. They are doing it way younger than we did. Kids should only be told certain things on a need to know basis, so if you or your husband have any experience on the subject where it can be helpful for him to understand why it is a bad idea to "date" this young, you should tell him the story because it would be of value to him, a learning experience. Now, there isn't anything wrong with him and a group of kids going out for ice cream, to a movie, or that sort of thing, AS LONG AS THERE IS AN ADULT(preferably you, since you seem to be the parent who is concerned about what could happen when the kids are let loose)WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES. Yes, the kids will think this is lame, but it's your job to parent and keep your kids safe. Part of your job is to raise him to be a respectable/respectful man. Keeping him from following the other kids on this one is a good start, and he will thank you for it 20 years from now when he chooses a nice woman for a wife. If he is just let loose to "date" now, he will be learning things you don't want to know about, and will not respect girls/women and thus may end up with the next easy cheap thrill for a wife. You have to think long term, not in the moment. One more thing, most of those kids he is talking about, down deep would love the kind of guidance and love from their parents that you are showing your boy.

This is definitely the thing that kids are doing these days, and I also agree that they are too young at this point. Whatever you decide, I hope you will communicate your reasons clearly to your son. My kids have told me plenty of the kids at school do it behind their parents back anyway, so it's good to convey reasons that make sense to the child in question, and possibly to discuss what age you are okay with it. At least at 10 they are usually still young enought to listen to reason. (This sometimes goes away with the teen years!) Good luck!

Ok I am 26 years old and can remember being in 4th grade and having this same problem with my parents so I think I can give you some good insight to both sides. You have reacted the same way my parents did but really that seemed to make things worse. at least in my school the whole "going out" thing was pretty innocent. like your son said it just means you like each other and your either then avoid one another once you are "going out" or if you are really cool might sit together at lunch or talk on the phone sometimes. It's pretty innocent. But my parents were so worried that they told me and my sisters we were not allowed which just made it a bigger issue. It became such a big deal that I couldn't go out with any of the boys and I was like the "forbidden fruit." I think it would be better if you told him it was ok to "go out" but still put some restrictions on it. Like no going to the mall together or the movies etc. and to be honest most of the kids that "go out" break up after a few weeks anyways. So I understand you want to protect him but he is a boy and will like girls and look at girls regardless of whether he can "go out" or not with them. So just try to not worry about it too much. It's pretty innocent right now.

Hi D.,

You mostly got great advice. Though to dispute one post I must say that these kinds of issues, including those mentioned for middle schoolers, happen in ALL areas in ALL schools. But you probably weren't disputing that, I just had to mention it!

Anyway, it sounds like you are very well aware of your values and position on the subject, you just need to refine it and define it for your kids.

We often get to thinking about what we don't want the kids to do, and forget to tell them what they can do. If your son is feeling some interest in the girls, you already know you can't talk him out of that. So have a conversation that sets up some parameters and helps him feel some ownership. If he wants to "go out" with a girl, what does that mean for him (and explain that you would like to know what it means for other kids, but that you have your own family rules and expectations for him). What CAN they do- sit together at lunch? swing together at recess? draw her a picture (not during school and one that you see first?), etc. This lets him help define going out, and gives you the chance to also say that you don't want him to kiss, hug, hold hands, whatever. Give him both sides. And because he'll be a part of the discussion, he feels some power over it. Which also means that you can say if his grades drop or other problems occur, you will need to revisit the issue and possibly not allow any of it. Maybe it will be an incentive?

Anyway, hope that helps a little. As a funny side note, my daughter is 9 and my husband told my daughter that she can not have any crushes, and further that no one can have a crush on her! Obviously my poor husband is having a hard time with the boys taking an interest!! But that's what got us talking about how to handle the situation at this age. He's settled down a bit, I can only imagine him when she is old enough to date. Yikes. I may have to sedate him. :-)

Good luck.

I think it is awesome your son is talking to you. I think a great way to approach it is to ask him what he thinks the pros and cons are and to make out a list to make an educated decision. I think you could also make a list and then the two of you compare notes and have a discussion, ask him to keep talking to you that you respect him and his decision. often what happens in this type of format is that kids decide for themselves that they don't want to just be with one person when they can hang out with everyone instead--it would be an interesting conversation and let you know where his head really is and he can know what is going on in your heart as well.
I know that my parents had a no dating rule until 16 but my parents encouraged us to hang out in large groups without paring off before that. I had boy/girl parties all the time growing up. I personally think it helped me to see I didn't want to just be with one person at that age. I had a boy I really liked ask me to "go" with him in 8th grade and I remember the conversation we had about how I liked him but I didn't "go" with people. He said your parents don't have to know. I said I know--but I have chosen not to. I don't feel like I am ready for that kind of commitment but I really want us to be friends and hang out. He seemed sad but okay at the same time. we stayed friends. He got a girlfriend a few months later and it was sad when they broke up because it put a lot of pressure the whole group of friends because it wasn't amicable. lol. oh the memories. My dad always told me to make a list of pros and cons on decisions I was making and let me have the chance to be open and honest with him. My mom didn't it was always her way. just her way. so I hid stuff from my mom. but I talked to my dad.
I think you are doing an awesome job.

I just want to tell you that my ex-husband is also the same way with my son, 14 years old, and I feel that he is no role model. Your current husband is a great role model for your son. Boys don't really have the communication skills to tell you that they watch everything that happens to you. For example, Mom is the most important woman in a boys life. They would never admit it, but it is true! I feel that the way that your husband treats you is a strong modeling system for him. You are so lucky to have a strong marriage. Boys need to see respect more than anything. You are doing a great job.

I would just explain to your son that he needs to learn the most he can about himself before he gets involved in any kind of a relationship. I feel that the more self-esteem that a person has, the stronger the relationship will be. I don't see anything wrong with a group of kids going out as long as they have parental supervision. Open communication would be a really big strong point in something like this. Maybe you should deal with the peer pressure issue when you talk about dating.

I'm rather old fashioned in this area. After raising my own, I believe children should wait until 16 to date. I believe that in encouraging or allowing it to early, they "progress" faster and are going steady at a time when they should be enjoying a variety of friends and learning who they are and what kind of mate they want to spend their lives with. There is alot of pressure in the schools for our children to become sexual too early and I believe we need to encourage our children to wait for someone truely special. They can still "hang Out" with someone on the playground that they like, but elementary is way too early to be moving in that direction.
Just my thoughts after raising my own children.

Hi D.,

I am with you I think elementary school is way to young to be "going out" however in talking to many of my friends and seeing what my oldest boy who is also 10 is going through this seems to be happening at the elementary school level. We have also told our son that he is too young and he needs to stay focused in school so he can continue to play sports which is his passion. So far it has worked for us. However, I too worry that peer pressure may get to him and he will want to be like his friends. My husband is a little different than yours because he is quite a bit stricter than I am and whenever the talk of girls his idea is that our son has too much free time and we need to keep him busy. I don't have any real advice for you except I would continue to keep the lines of communication open with your son so he will know he can talk to you and approach you. Also, to let you know that I work in the school a lot and have heard the kids talking and this "going out" does happen in elementary school. Good Luck!

I can remember "going out" with someone in 5th grade. What did that mean? It meant either a note or a question through a friend of a friend if I would go out with him, and then we didn't look at each other the whole time. I don't know if it is still that innocent or not.
While sex at that age is definitely more publicized now, it wasn't unheard of back then either.
I would talk to your son about what it means to "go out", what he should do or shouldn't do. If he isn't ready for kissing, then he shouldn't kiss. If he wants to eat lunch with a girl, that is fine. Alone activities (movies, etc.) are not allowed yet.
This is a great way for him to learn about healthy relationships and that he can be friends with girls without the sexual part.
If there are contests like the other post, that is a different discussion about respecting girls in general and what is good versus bad behaviour and how to deal with those situations. These discussions should not only be talked about in relation to "going out" because apparently these girls aren't "going out" with all of their "conquests".
Make sure that you speak openly with him and keep the lines of communication open. Don't tease him for going out, if he chooses to, and make sure that he understands how much you appreciate him sharing with you. If you make the innocent stuff taboo, you will lose credibility with him for the big stuff.

I have to say I find it greatly disturbing kids in elementary are even toying with the notions of "going out!".. Really?
You cannot keep away from the "girlfriend/boyfriend" type scenario as they experiment in their minds of taking crushes a step further and putting a label on who they like. That started when I was in Elementary and typically it was a different boy that liked you every other week, but it remained just a verbal notion.

Kids do not in any way need to "go out" or have anything but friendships outside of school.
That is nuts.

Boys have hormones that kick in to let them see and notice pretty girls but seriously to even think it is normal or something that should be worried about as far as going out is nuts.
I watch boys, most of them 8 to 12, NEVER have I heard of going out!!!! They talk about who they have a crush on, who is pretty or if a girl likes them but there is never talk about going out.

You need to decide what guidelines are appropriate for your family and stick with that. Your first instinct is he is too young, so trust that gut instinct. Don't worry about who is doing what as that puts you in the line of fire of peer pressure which is what you need to deter. I always tell my children that just because someone has different rules isn't going to get me to change mine, that all parents have different reasons for their rules.

For me personally with a daughter that is going into third grade, crushes are fine, normal and part of being a "pre teen" however I would never let my daughter go out with a boy even with parental supervision until she was 15. Then parental supervision, she will not "date" without a parent until she is 16 or older. Just my deal. There are exceptions say in a group setting with parents picking up the kids. Inviting a boy along if we went to the movies with me present may be visited, school dances without me hovering isn't out of the question.
It is our job at home as parents to lay down rules, regardless of peer pressures and enforce them. Follow your gut instinct!

DeeDee,

Hold your ground! My daughter is 11, and kids in her class have been dating for a year or so (including getting dropped off at movies by parents). It is crazy, and you are right, it starts the whole process way too soon. These are the same kids who watch Desperate Housewives, etc. and you can see that they are getting way too many ideas because of some of the conversations, teasing, notes, etc that my daughter reports. We have said absolutely not, and have talked about the kissing and touching that goes on with dating and how she is too young for that. Let your son know he is not alone. Good luck.

Couldn't you just have a family rule that states "Dating is acceptable at age 16"? Then your kids can refer to the family rule when asked about it at school. There is a limit and expectation that your boys will meet and the girls at school know that they have to wait.

You could also have a family night to talk about why we don't date early...virtue, chastity, future life goals. Let me know if you need any more ideas about your family night talk. Good luck, mama!

D. S,

I dont have a great answer for you, but I just wanted to tell you how impressive it is that you and your son have been communicating openly about this. If you guys decide he can go out with a girl, I hope he keeps talking with you about it and you can probably notice from that if the displays of affection are changing.

I do think kids of this age are too young, but you have to work with what's at hand. He's being honest about it, not "going out" behind your back or anything. Maybe, with some ground rules in place, next year he should hang out with a special girl.

That's another thing. Explain to him that he has to choose ONE of the many interested girls and how this could be "complicated" with the rest. Hahaha, I dont know, its all probably simpler than what us parents think.

Good Luck!

I think it depends on the maturity of each child, but from what you have said, it sounds like he's feeling obligated to have a girlfriend/date. 10 is very young, but it sounds fairly harmless, too. If it were me, I'd probably do as you are and encourage him to wait.