Advice on Childcare - Dublin,CA

How does your mother feel about this?

What has your mother said to your sister about this? Has she expressed that she is unhappy and hasn't enjoyed a day of her retirement? If she has you of course can back your mother up, but it doesn't mean your sister will like hearing it.

If your mother hasn't said anything and she feels this way you need to encourage her to say something to your sister. Your mother couldn't be forced to do all she does for her grandchildren, thereby helping your sister, and actions do speak louder than words. So, if she feels the way you do she, your mother, has allowed things to get out of control and it's up to here to put her foot down and walk. If your mother needs caring for, yes, she should be cared for.

My father cared for his grandchildren and great-grandchildren into his mid-80's, he loved it, even though he had kidney failure and leukemia. Caring for her grandkids may actually be keeping your mother young, and giving her a purpose.

MYOB. Your mother is a grown woman, a mother and a grandmother. She CAN say no to your sister, she chooses not to. Stop treating your mother like some helpless victim. If she asks you to talk to your sister, then do so. But unless that time comes, this is between the two of them.

Irregular heartbeat is not a disability, it's a nuisance. My mom had it for many years and it didn't interfere with her daily life. There is an ablation procedure that can fix it for many people if it does get to the point where it happens frequently.

I understand where you're coming from, but it's not your place to step in here. If your mom is tired, it's her responsibility to tell your sister that she can't do this anymore (either at all, or perhaps not full time).

I think you should stay out of it. Your mom is grown and can say no if she wants to. My sister does the same thing...she uses a babysitter, but my mom is always there for her when she needs help with her daughter, and I RARELY get help with any of my kids. I don't even ask anymore. It urks me to no end, but it's not my choice to take advantage of my parents or to let them be taken advantage of.

It's a stinky situation, but it's not really your business - as bad as that sounds.

I agree with you wanting to protect your mom, but she is grown and can protect herself. I hope it all works out.

Your mother is an adult, and 64 isn't all that old today. If your mom wants to take care of the kids, that is her business. She probably does enjoy her time with the little ones vs spending time alone. My mom found that being a 64 yr old widow is a pretty young widow and that developing a social life was difficult unless she was looking to date (which she was not interested in doing). She said that others often act like widow-hood is contagious....they don't really want to socialize, and making new friends is hard. Socially, it is a difficult place. While YOU want your mother to develop a social life, perhaps your mother is happy with her current social life or does not have the energy to do that. You have a right to protect your mom when she needs protecting, and you can tell your sister that you think she's taking advantage. However, at 64, your mother should be quite competent to make her own decisions and communicate them. If your mom doesn't want to provide child care to an infant, that is for her to communicate. This is not a situation where you can make the decisions or dictate what is going to happen and will most likely end up looking like the bad guy to both your mom and your sister. The best solution is for you to step out of the middle of that scenario.

Not trying to be mean here but what I am really hearing, is how come I have to pay for childcare and my sister is getting a free ride!!! I think that is the real issue here. If you mom were complaining to you and asked for your help and advice then I guess I would understand your concern, but it doesn't seem to be the case here. I think if this is something your mom enjoys, even though it isn't your vision of what retirement should be, then I think you should leave it be. It is only going to cause more resentment between you and your sister if you keep interfering. It is very possible that your mom is tired, but it is a good tired, and she is happy doing what she is doing. It really isn't your concern, unless your mom asks for your help.

Your concerns are not misplaced.
The thing is - your Mom and sister are happy with the arrangement they have.
They are not going to change it just because you don't like it.
Some 64 yr olds are frail but others are not and looking after the grand kids is something she enjoys doing.
It gives her a purpose and something to get out of bed for every morning.
People have a lot of different ideas about what retirement means but not everyone likes catching a show in Vegas or traveling or hanging out at the senior center bingo hall.
You have to see that she IS free to do what she wants to do and she's DOING it.

If your mom has told you she doesn't want to be a child care provider then you should communicate that. But some moms/grandmas like/love being a child care provider.

Yes your mom and sister should work out a payment schedule so your mom can spend the money how she feels. I know a lady that babysits her grandkids and gets about half what the mom would have to pay in daycare. The grandma uses that money to go on nice vacations with her kids and grandkids. The last one was a nice caribbean cruise. She invited both kids and their husbands as well as the seven grandkids. She had a wonderful time and so did the families.

Good luck to you and yours.

Sorry but you really don't get a vote on this issue. This is between your mom and sister. Now, if your mom has asked you to help her communicate with your sister about this, that is one thing. But from your post I get that she has not done so.

According to my kids, "NO" is my favorite word. If your mom is not happy and needs support in discussing this with your sister, then perhaps you can assist. You don't know what has been communicated between your sister and mother.

no...you really don't have a right. of course it is going to bother you to see your mom taken advantage of - it would me too, i'd be livid! unfortunately you don't have a place to say anything really - and you already made your opinion known, and you see how that went.

your mom would have to stand up for HERSELF in this case. you can't do it for her, and it will only make tense family situations for you to try - or even worse, ruin relationships.

your mom is totally being taken advantage of. but don't put the blame SOLELY on your sister. mom could get a backbone and stand up to her. she's not. if anything i would talk with mom and be there for her emotionally and support her in any way i could. encourage her to find her voice. that's all you can do.

(and i do think it is completely trashy and irresponsible of your sister to keep popping out kids - i guarantee if she had to feed and pay childcare for all of them she'd suddenly remember how to use birth control...)

This sounds harsher than the intent but simply put you don't need advice on "sister using mother for childcare", you need advice on "how to mind your own business". Your mother is grown, relatively healthy and available to watch your sister's kids. Your mother chooses to do it without saying no. Personally, shame on your sister for not realizing that an infant and two toddlers full time will be a bit much on your mother at her age but reasoning with her while she's pregnant is not likely to go to well. She's got the daycare thing easy and honestly it seems you may be a bit jealous that you have to pay for childcare for two kids with no freebies while your sister just assumes and gets free care....and I don't blame you but if your mom doesn't speak up, there isn't much you can do. However, if something happens to your mom (even something that just puts her out of commission for a few days) your sister will get a rude awakening regarding finding and paying for care.

It's up to your mother to say something to your sister about being imposed upon in such a way. I know you want to protect your mother, and you tried to say something to your sister. At the very least you gave your sister something to think about before the baby comes. The rest is up to your mother to say something and refuse to watch the children. Maybe she really does want to watch them.

This is between your mother and your sister. Your mother is a grown woman, and unless she's senile, is perfectly capable of telling your sister that she no longer wishes to babysit.
As hard as it is to do so, you need to stay out of it.

Your mom is a grown up, is there a reason you need to protect her? My advice is to stay out of it...

If you try to get in the middle your sister will just get even MORE dug in and defensive AND it'll make your mom defensive too, which means it'll take her even LONGER to stand up for herself!

No obviously if your mom has severe mental or physical health issues that changes-- then it's time to get a hospital social worker or someone besides you to intervene!

Of course she is pregnant with number 4, she has no idea how hard it is to juggle work & kids because your mom takes care of everything. This is happening to my neighbor right now. Her daughter is pregnant with number 4. The youngest was starting full day kindergarten this fall and grandma was looking forward to having her free time. The news almost 9 months ago was not the best for grandma or grandpa since they have both finally retired. This grandma, like your mom does everything including laundry and cleaning, on top of watching the kids.

Unfortunately I think your mom us the one that has to say something. You are just going to end up being looked at as jealous and a b$*#%. Talk to your mom about talking to your sister. She needs to be honest with her. Maybe the best solution is your mom watching the kids two or three days a week. Your sister will not be happy, but it is what it is. Your mom needs to talk to her now, so your sister can prepare.

Unless your mom is mentally incompetent (can't be in charge of her own affairs) it's none of your business. Don't let her triangulate you into her issues with your sister.

Of course it's a ridiculous situation, but your mom needs to grow a backbone and deal with your sister in a kind but firm way. Whether she'll actually do that is another question. Maybe she *is* ambivalent about it all. Some people love being martyrs.

I would stay out of it (but it would annoy me too).

While I understand your concern, this is between your mom and your sister.
Although I hate to see people with the attitude of free child care entitlement, most rough spots in relationships are caused by misunderstood or unexpressed expectations. IF this is an issue for your mom then SHE needs to express her expectations to your sister, not you.
I'll bet sis wouldn't have had #3 OR #4 if she was paying for child care!!!

It sounds like you are trying to project your feelings onto your mother. In your last paragraph you contradict yourself. "My mother wasn't too happy about the news. She says the baby's company sort of replaces my father..."

It sounds like your sister's children give her purpose that she wouldn't have otherwise. It also sounds like your mother is content with the arrangement so you need to accept that. If your mother is truly unhappy than she needs to speak up and have a conversation with your sister.

By projecting your feelings and talking to your sister you are creating ill will with your sister. If you keep this up any relationship with your sister will continue to deteriorate and you'll have no relationship with her, her kids, or your mom (since they basically spend so much time together.)

Remember your mother is an adult and can do what she pleases. If it is free childcare and meals than so be it. Personally I feel your ill will centers around the fact that you feel you are not being treated equally. If that is the case than you need to talk to your mother, not your sister about how many kids she chooses to have, who watches them, and cooks their meals.

I understand exactly how you feel. It is hard to watch someone take advantage of someone like that. And it IS taking advantage. If your sister can't afford childcare, then she shouldn't be having more children. Also, it's easy for people to say "your mother is a grown woman and should speak up for herself",but that's not really fair either. Your sister should have enough care and concern to ask mother, pay her or put money in a savings account, even if mother wants to donate it to the kids college funds later. Yes, if it is too much for your mother, she should speak up, but does she feel comfortable doing this without your selfish sister throwing a fit, and taking away the kids who she has been taking care of for all these years. Yea, very touchy situation. Hopefully when your mom needs help, sister steps up to the plate, big time.

My husbands grandmother has helped raised almost all of her grandchildren in one copacity or another. During the school year she volunteers at the local grammer school for a little over half the day and she is 92 years old. She will be scaling back for the upcoming year to only 2-3 days a week.

Ultimately it is your mother's decision about what she wants to or doesn't want to do. She will need to speak up and you will need to stay in your own lane.

My mother passed away at 69 but insisted on taking care of her great-grand daughter until about 2 weeks before her passing. We have some really great pictures of her with little Kayla.

The thing is the kids fall in love with their Granny and have fond memories of her. My grand mother never took care of us when we were little and she barely cared for us when we got older but she would host Sunday dinner at her house every Sunday for years as well as holiday dinners. She was amazing and unforgetable.

Nowadays, this is very common. There is one family member that clamps on to mom/dad and just 'uses and uses'. They can't see a problem, and get mad when other's do. That doesn't mean that they are in the right. Part of it truly is 'grandma being used'. Part of it is a little bit jealousy on the others part. Why should we have to pay for childcare and you don't just because you happen to live closer to grandma?

Does your mom live with your sister? If yes, that is probably part of the problem too.

When my son was born my Mom volunteered to quit her job (too stressful) to watch my son. I told her that I would pay her. She said no. I said yes. I paid her $20 a day ($100 a week). At around the one year mark and my son became mobile a few things happened.
- her health started to decline I was having to take more time off of work,
- she wanted to travel, I had to take time off work
- my son started crying when I would leave, even when we were just visiting on the weekends and I was in the other room.

I told her that I didn't think this was working anymore, and she said 'oh thank goodness. I have been feeling the same, but didn't know how to tell you.' She loved my son, and felt she was doing us a favor, and she was, but at the same time it was very stressful.

Your mom needs to be the one to say enough is enough. Now before baby #4 is born and the parents can make the needed arrangements.

It's your mother's decision to make. How often do you visit and have meals with your mom? Do you have kids?

I think it depends on your mother's perspective. I know a few grandmas who are WANTING to be 'childcare' as well as those (like my mom) who does not want anything to do with being thought of as childcare. I think it is up to your mother and you should keep out. Now if it is digging into your ability to give your kids grandma time that is an issue.

I do think that a suggestion of putting the infant in a childcare facility due to your mother's heart condition would be a valid suggestion - but be prepared to hear "And who's gonna pay for it?" as a response.

Your mother needs to talk to her, with you there as her advocate.

My brother does this with my mom. She lives an hour from them, so no weekday childcare, but up until the oldest was about 11 she had at least one if not all three girls at her house every single weekend and she paid for all food & activities. My Mom has a pacemaker and host of physical disabilities and is on a fixed income. But brother 'needed' her so she did it. It took 13 years for her to realize that brother was going to 'need' her into the poorhouse and grave. This summer she has put a stop to it. The girls visit once a month or so and she's stopped buying things for them as well. I talked to her about it for years, talked to my brother once or twice (no difference, brick wall), but she had to decide for herself that enough was enough. A turning point for her was when I gave her a worst case scenario (she runs out of money and has to move in with brother where she will be full time unpaid nanny/cook/housekeeper and he will be thrilled because he gets her SS check) and she realized she was headed that way if things didn't change.

I agree with the others,

IF your mother wants to be paid, she needs to say something. Especially since not only is she their childcare giver, but also their meal ticket.. Dinner every night?

If your mother is tired of this full time situation, she will need to speak up for herself.

I know this is hard to watch, it is also hard if your mother is not happy with this situation and telling you, but SHE is the only one that can and should speak with her daughter about this.

Anyone else saying anything and your sister will not believe it.

Also make sure your mother has seen her doctor lately and has mentioned exactly what her schedule is. That she is caring for 3 children soon to be 4 and preparing dinner for all of these people.

There is a reason people this age may need to retire. Their bodies are aging, they need a little more rest and things start happening to their health that they need to concentrate on. Watching 3 or 4 children is hard enough on a woman that is of age baring years, but after 60.. it is pretty tough.

And shame on your sister for at least not squirrling away money for your mom.. She deserves some sort of compensation, even if it is just $300 or $400. worth of grocery cards a month.

Your mom's gotta start speaking up for herself. Maybe if she says it in a lighthearted tone such as "Honey, you know I love you, but there is a reason that old people like me don't have babies - I am worn out! We gotta get on a different schedule when school starts. I can take the 3 yr old for __ days a week/month. I can do maybe one weekend a month. I just can't handle too much anymore....." Perhaps you can be there to support your mom when she talks to your sister? But have HER be the one who does the talking. Or else your sister will think this is YOU brainwashing mom to think she can't handle it all.

I'm in a bad mood today so when I saw your post, I thought you were asking about you going ahead and having a 4th and using your mom and thought I wasn't going to be able to censor myself and would have to say how incredibly selfish it sounds on the face of it. I can't believe your sister would do this but if your mom won't speak up, there's nothing you can do. If you already said something to your sister, I guess it's done now. But wow - I'd be pretty mad at my sister too...

I think you need to stay out of it. No good can come from you getting involved; either your sister or your mom will end up mad at you and it's not your issue to deal with. If your mom really isn't up for it, she can and will speak up for herself.

I have babysat grandkids for one daughter for sometime. I had one for 4 years right about the time our last child was getting out of high school. It was a joy for me to have a baby around again and I enjoyed him so much. Then when the twins were born I watched them at age 3 and also enjoyed them but I will say I was older and more kids and they did pay me, although less than a baby sitter. I have the ability to say 'no' and yet didn't until now and I miss them but my husband is retiring and so the end of babies for us. Life is changing. I will always miss babies. But I do think your mom should speak up if it's too much or maybe do less days or whatever she feels. It's her job to do this though and will only cause a problem for you and your mom or sister and you or both. I think for me having the kids made me feel better, younger and I loved it. Maybe your mom feels the same way or maybe she needs to learn to say no.

Hi C.. It does appear your mom is being taken advantage of - that is a LOT of responsibility and work for no pay. I think it's sad that your sister doesn't pay her but do we know if she ever offered?
I think the best way to handle it is to have a non-confrontational lax conversation with your mom. Just a "Hey, how's it going during the week with the kids?" Just make it as if you are making conversation - let her take it from there. If she seems happy let it go. I understand your frustration - I pay for two full time spots at my daycare and I hear people talk about their parents watching their kids at no pay - while it's really none of my business what my coworkers arrangements are it does strike a nerve.

I guess I don't really see where your opinion has a place in this at all. It is none of your business. Your mother doesn't need your protection. Aren't you happy about another niece or nephew? Which one should she send back? I don't get this, but then, we don't have local family, so that might be a factor. My mother takes care of my brother's daughter. I LOVE that she does this for him. I would much prefer my niece being in the loving care of her grandmother than in the care of a stranger. It is better for everyone. I think you should probably keep your opinions to yourself unless specifically asked. I'm sure the lack of drama would be a blessing to everyone. ;)

My mum, in theory, would have loved for me to have had a dozen babies to watch.

It was extremely difficult for her (although she believed my son should be in preschool, to give up that extra time with him.

I know many grandmothers who are the same way: they WANT as much time with their grandchildren as possible, and it's something the ask about and are excited about.

My mum takes off one month a year. Has as many sick days as she likes. Can (and does) take days off for fun. She considers it the best "job" on the planet. (while a professional before kids, she was a SAHM for all of us). She feels like she gets to have her "old job" back, but BETTER, because she gets time off! And that's when she has Grandkids "full time" (40-50 hours a week).

For the past 4 years she's "only" had my now 10yo 1 day a week (when he was little she had him half time while I was either in school or working), unless I was traveling without him, and is EXCITED about my returning to work so she can either have him every morning, or every evening.

Your mom may be seething with resentment and unable to 'say no', BUT ALSO keep in mind she may LIKE taking care of kids again, and be like my mum. Who feels insulted that anyone would think she shouldn't be working / completely in her element with babes in arm and kids underfoot.

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There's nothing you can do. It's better just to let it go & worry about yourself.