Advice Needed for 4 Year Old Who Has "Discovered" Herself.

This is totally normal!!! Please don't take this the wrong way - - but you have to stop yelling and making her throw her toys away. This will certainly give her a complex. Talk to her about it - answer her questions. This is a normal part of growing up. I have a one year old boy who is discovering himself as well. Yes, it seems weird to us adults but the germs are their germs and my pediatrician also says it's fine and totally normal. It may help to explain to her that learning about herself is best done in private (i.e. her bedroom) but that she should come talk to you about any questions she has (when you are alone.) This will help her feel comfortable with herself and feel open to asking you questions. Good luck!!

This happens to everyone at some point. Little kids explore every orafice on their bodies at some point; it's normal. To complicate matters (for parents!) kids feel pleasure touching their private areas and we are uncomfortable with that plus it isn't socially acceptable. So for their own safety and to teach appropriate social behaviors, it's important to set some boundaries for our little ones.

In our house we talk about public versus private discussions, behaviors, and body parts. As a "big" girl its important to go ahead and start learning those boundaries in non-scary ways. If you don't teach her, she will either do something really embaressing or she may be confronted with a situation where another child does something inappropriate and she doesn't know better, or worse.

I have told my oldest that she has private areas where her pee and poop come from (and she also knows that she has a vagina where babies will someday come from-- we watched Discovery Health baby shows when I was pregnant with her sister). She knows that there are public areas of the body, like arms and legs-- anywhere not covered by a bathing suit. Public areas are ok to show to people outside of our household and are ok to touch and be touched on (ie a friedn can touch your arm or hodl your hand). But, private areas are different. We have told her that it is not polite to show others our private areas or to touch our private areas in front of other people. To help protect her, we have also told her that it is not polite to look at or touch other people's private areas or for them to try to see or touch hers, and that if anyone (other kids or otherwise) tries to do inappropriate things concerning private areas, then that is something that she needs to talk to mom and/or dad about.

To keep the conversation from being too sexually oriented and causing her to fixate on that, we also talk about other public versus private things. For example, we've told her that, for our family, talking about how much money we have (or don't have) is a private issue that we keep within our family. What you deem public or private is specific for your family and might be something that you might want to begin discussing with her as well. We talk about public and private issues periodically and I ask my daughter about hypothetical situations to see if she thinks they are public or private. For example, I might ask, "Say Becca tells you that she is wearing cool new Dora the Explorer panties, and asks if you want to see them. Is that something that should be public or private?" When she answers "private." I then ask her what she should say to Becca, and and encourage her to let me know if situations like that occur. Obviously that situation wouldn't be a big deal, but I want for my girl to know that she should tell me when she feels something that should be private happens in the wrong context. I also give her hypothetical situations about other private issues like money or a duscussion between mom and dad, or whatever...

Regarding putting toys into herself, that is an issue that I believe should be addressed, though you should be careful not to assign it more meaning than it really has. At her age kids do touch themsleves and find it to be pleasurable, but are they really masturbating, I personally don't believe so. Just like little kids put things up in their nose, and we have to teach them not to, they will put things into any and every orafice that they have, and for their own saftey we do need to teach what it isn't appropriate. Our pediatrician cautions that you don't want kids sticking toys into their genitals or anuses as, in extreme cases, things can get stuck or abbrade their flesh, or they may spread germs from anus to vagina (and cause a UTI), or from anus (or vagina) to mouth (and cause something really bad like E. coli). Bacteria (like E.coli) that normally reside in the anus (or genitals) can be dangerous to the health when moved to other points in the body, but little kids aren't really mature enough to be cogniscent of that. So, in our house, the rule is that we don't stick things into our private areas because we don't want to accidentally get hurt or get an infection. My daughter once stuck tangerine seeds up all the way into the bony part of her nose and got them lodged in there. So, I remind her of that situation and explain that we don't want to get anything stuck in any opening of our bdy because it isn't good and it can hurt (which she remembers quite well from the nose incident).

Hey Mom... with all due respect and love... chill out! and keep the toys. I agree with most of the other responses here, it's normal and no big deal. I would warn your daughter about the dangers of objects, as another repsonse said. Besides the "this is a private thing", another strategy if it bothers you, is simple distraction... "Sweetie, will you change the channel? let the cat in? hand me that pencil?" ...whatever occupies her hands/body with something else in the moment. Please help her learn a healthy love and respect for her body, not that any part is "dirty".

J.,

This is totally normal and healthy. Her feeling good about her body- all of her body is so crucial to her self worth. Don't scold her at all and maybe tell her you're sorry for yelling at her and that what she's doing is healthy. What I would encourage her to do is to only do these things in private. It's also a good time to teach her that her private parts are hers and that if anyone touches her there, she should tell you immediately and that you will never be mad at her for telling you. All kids do this and it's totally natural.

Good luck!

Hi Jacquely
Please, Please dont yell at her I did the same thing when 5 years old daughter did this and know she is 8 and i think it made her feel bad about her body. I talked to several people and her doctor and all say it is absoulutly normal. All kids discover their bodies and it is our job to not make them feel badly about it but let them know it is inapropriote to put toys down there. These questions will come up again and later when she understands more you can tell her it is her body and what she does with it is up to her but not at this age but dont get mad its normal. good luck i know exactly what you are feeling. its ok mom (of course make sure no one is hurting her)

Yelling and punishing her for discovering this sensation would be kind of like yelling at her for discovering that chocolate tastes good.It's bound to be that confusing to a child.

With my kids, I've always in a very matter-of-fact voice said, "It's rude to do something like that in front of other people. The place for that is in your room or in the bathroom when you are by yourself. In the living room is not okay." Kind of like when I tell them not to leave their shoes by the front door, or to take their plate to the sink after a meal. Not scolding, just informative.

Actually, its pretty common for a child her age to do this kind of thing. Instead of yelling at her or putting her in time out, gently take the toys away from her and remind her that we dont put our toys in our pants, or you can say to her that toys arent meant for that. Shaming her is the last thing you want to do... She needs your support, not your disapproval, and showing her that you love her unconditionally is going to help her more than punishments do. Make sure you clean her toys in vinegar and water because if she is still in the phase of putting things in her mouth, vinegar is non-toxicI would also definitely speak to her pediatrician about it and have them give her a once over to make sure that everything is okay with her private parts. And, if she is in daycare or with someone other than you, you should definitely find out if she is seeing or hearing things that arent age appropriate, or if she is being sexualized by another child or adult. If she is being touched or something, punishing her for acting out is goind to make her think its her fault and that there is something wrong with her. Good luck!

Your daughter is fine and normal. She will not get sick or hurt and throwing away her toys is very unhealthy for her to experience. Is she so disgusting that everything that touches her needs to be put in the trash. Please think. You are projecting your own fears worries upon her.

A simple way to resolve this that is often recommended by medical folks is to simply enforce without anxiety or judgement that what she is doing is a "personal thing" and she will need to go to her room. Say it the same way you would if she were picking her nose. She's not a bad person. She just needs to go to her own space. "That's not something WE DO in front of other people." A child that age has a strong need to be with mom and dad so that will discourage the practice without shaming her for going through a normal development stage.

The only caution I have is that before you dismiss the situation you should inquire if she is itchy. If she itches then she needs to see her doctor. Otherwise relax this is a no brainer. The behavior will pass if you don't shine a spotlight on it. Best of luck to you. Being a mom is hard.

I'm glad you are asking how to handle this situation because it seems that you are questioning how you have handled it in the past, by throwing toys away, yelling, time out etc. You know in your inner wisdom that this is not the best way to approach this situation. But don't fret about what you've done in the past, you reacted how many people would react because of some subconcious issue you may have with self discovery of one's body...I don't know why you feel strongly about this but usually we react strongly to situations because of old agreements and beliefs that we aren't even aware of. I'm saying this so next time you feel like you are going to REACT in your usual way about this (or any other situation), stop and check your assumptions. Why are you feeling the way you do? Where do you feel it in your body? How can you RESPOND to the situation with love and wisdom to best guide your daughter?
As far as your daughter discovering herself, it is very very very normal. Some children discover themselves earlier, some later. The best approach is to not make a big deal about it. You want to teach your children to feel good about themselves and their bodies. They need to know that they are in control of thier own bodies. It is the start of healthy self awareness.
Since she does like to put toys in her panties, which isn't wierd or anything, but I can't understand the hygeine aspect:)...but no need to throw them away. Just explain to her that children's toys aren't meant to touch our privates, and when she does that she will have to help wash them. Good old soap and as warm as she can handle water will clean them up just fine. IF you have tea tree oil, just add a couple of drops for extra antibatcterial protection. If she has a tendency to discover herself in front of everyone, you can remind her that her privates are only for her to see right now. I explained to my children that the only time anyone should see or touch thier special parts is if mommy, daddy, or the Dr. needs to make sure they are healthy, and that NO ONE ever needs to see or touch them without permission.
If you walk in a room when she is alone and discovering herself, just calmly walk out and when she's done remind her to wash her hands....and hopefully her toys will be in the toy box and not her panties:)

Sending you good energy as you listen to your own inner loving and wise mamma to guide your children.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hi J.!
I know the first reaction is to get upset about it, but it's ok! My first little girl went through the SAME THING! All I did was to tell her that "this is your private area. No one should see it except mommmy, daddy and the doctor when we are there. If you want to explore your self, do it in the bathroom or in your room." She said okay mommy and she really quit doing after a short while. I didn't want her to feel weird about her body. I just want her to know that it's ok to explore the different parts of your body. God made it! :.)
D. M.

Hi J.,

I don't usually respond, but felt compelled to do so regarding your concerns. It is perfectly normal for children to "discover themselves" and explore those sensations. Some young children can actually achieve a climax!! Please don't make her feel guilty or dirty about this. Sexual desire is one of the strongest drives in the animal kingdom, and it is an instinctual activity. The best thing to do is acknowledge that you know it feels good, and that it is ok, but that it is something she should do in private. She can go into her room, or another space in the house that is away from others. And unless she is inserting a toy, she is not likely to get hurt. Show her how to wash her toys and her hands after, just like when she potty trained. You may find that if you don't give this any more attention, that it will slow down or stop. Most children go through phases, some more active than others. Many children use this activity to comfort themselves or relax, (just as we do!!). Good luck!

I personally don't feel it is ever okay to masturbate and when I caught my child doing it I simple said "What you doing?" response.. I don't know? I said " It feels good huh?" response.. Yes. I said "It is totally normal to for that to feel good and it does feel good, but those feeling that you are feeling are for when you are married. Then I ask "Are you married?" response... NO. I then say is a fun voice ... NO your not married, so we don't play with ourselves, those feelings of for marriage. Okay.. reply.. Okay. Then I follow up with them every so often to see how they are doing. I just feel it is VERY important not to put any shame on them for this, it is a natural part of curiosity in childhood, but it should be directed in a healthy and sacred way. I also tell them how sacred and special there bodies are as well. Good luck.

Any negative reaction from you is only going to aid in the development of a complex. She is learning about her body, and it may even feel good. Is that bad? I should hope not. Help her learn about her body but explain that she could hurt herself if she puts objects in her vagina.

I understand your alarm when you see your baby girl doing these things, I have dealt with similar "discovering" behaviors with my little girl at about that age. My daughter would rub herself on her blanket, especially during nap time at her preschool and while watching t.v. I think it's best not to overreact to what she's doing...I approached my daughter with an age appropriate explanation that what she was doing was not bad, just private. In your situation, with toys being used, I think she's just found something that feels good to her. She needs to know that there are germs on her toys and she could make herself sick or hurt herself...I agree with putting the toy up so she understands that when she uses these things this way you're going to take them away. But I would make it clear to her that she's not being punished for discovering herself, just that what she's using could be harmful to her and you love her too much for that. Rest assured, your little one will outgrow this. My daughter is now 9 and it's probably been at least two years since I've seen her doing anymore of this. My pediatrician advised me not to put my adult point of view onto my daughter's behavior because it's not sexual, it just feels good to them. I just continually stressed to my daughter that what she was doing was private and needed to be kept that way.

Well, you MIGHT be overreacting a bit. Which of course will just make your daughter more curious. Or even fearful of her privates. Honestly, this is just a phase, J.. And it should be handled like any other phase would be handled...with patience, calmness and consistency.

You're getting upset because you see her actions as being ESPECIALLY inappropriate, but she can't possibly understand that. So think back to the times that she used to throw her food onto the floor at mealtimes, or take her diaper off and pee in various parts of the house. Remember when she wouldn't go to sleep in her own bed and when she used to wake up three times a night.

They were all phases and they all passed. So keep that in mind as you face this new challenge. When you catch her in the act, calmly take the toy away from her and tell her "that's not what we use toys for, honey." Then simply put the toy away for a while until she's learned her lesson...there's no reason to actually throw it out if it's been properly cleaned. Eventually, she'll realize that toys are to be played with, not put down her pants. And believe me, when she starts running out of her favorite toys, she'll catch on fast. It's all about consistency.

Again, try not to look at this as being more serious than any other undesirable behavior. It's only because you're an adult that you see it as particularly upsetting, and it's not fair to put your standards on her like that. I'm not saying to let it happen, because it's certainly inappropriate and could potentially be dangerous (though that seems unlikely). I'm just saying you need to take a step back and look at this with a little more logic and patience. Your anxiety can only make it worse.

Hang in there, Sweetie. And good luck. :-)

P.S. If you're worried about the smaller toys getting...stuck...you could simply put them away until this has resolved. I know I could put at least 50 percent of my kids toys in storage and they would never miss them.

You should allow her to store as many toys as possible in her pants; that way they will never get lost and save you a lot of money.

I read the responses and while I agree with it being a normal part of growing up, and not overreacting, I also do not agree with those who say to go do it on their own (ie, masturbating). Just because we are carnal creatures doesnt mean we all "have to" live that way.

I would just gently and matter of factly take away her toys and say that this is where we pee. We dont touch or play with things that pee touches. We don't put things in our underwear. Go wash your hands. I will have to take this toy and clean it to get the pee germs off. When you are ready to not put toys in your underwear then you can have this back (could be a double edged sword here tho - if you take away her toys, what is she left to play with??)

Main thing here is teaching her respect and boundaries for her own body, without freaking out and feeling that she can't ever talk about or touch it around mom or you'll freak (someday she is going to find someone who will love touching her and what are you going to do then? Who will she listen to?) You want her to feel that she can talk to you if ever there is a question or concern or if anyone is touching her there, if it hurt/itches, or whatever (at this point, probably just a normal growing up phase - my 6yo boy does the same thing, and I have a hard time dealing with it too since it is an emotional response for me also)

I just took my 4 year old daughter to the dr for her 4yr old check up and shots, they gave me a letter explaining the different things a 4yr old would start to do and this was one of them, and it said don't yell at them or make them feel bad about what they are doing that it is natural, just explain to them that it is not right to do it in front of people and that the only place you should "explore" yourself is in your bed by yourself. My daughter has not done this yet but i can imagine your reaction, i probably will have the same one even though the text book says not to. Good luck!

Dear J.-
I am a single mother of 6. I used to run a daycare and have dealt with this situation many times. My best advice is to tell your daughter not to put things in her pants and tell her not to touch herself then dont make a big deal out of it. The more upset you get and the more you yell the more curious she will be as to why it is wrong. In my experience I have noticed the bigger deal you make the bigger deal it becomes to the child.

Holy Smokes, J., I understand that your first instinct is to freak out, but DON'T. I'd caution your daughter about using any objects in the vicinity of her vagina, and let her know that inserting anything there could give her an owie, and I agree about letting her know it's a private thing to do and encouraging her to do her explorations in the privacy of her room, alone. But for heaven's sake, don't give the kid a complex by putting her in time out or yelling at her-sexual dysfunction anyone? I remember finding my daughter doing this not so long ago, and another kid was present and I was totally freaked. I certainly wasn't ready to recognize my daughter as a sexual being when she was only 4. But, aside from speaking to her firmly about the "rules" regarding her private area, I tried to affirm that her body is beautiful and that her curiosity is healthy and normal, too. As far as telling a kid that masturbation is unacceptable, and that those feelings produced by masturbation are for marriage only, I'd say that a 4 year old might adhere to that way of thinking, but forget it when puberty hits. And, do we really want our children feeling ashamed for masturbating when you know darn well they're going to around age 12 or so? Sexual repression, especially for young girls, can be a lifelong issue that can hurt the marriage you're saving yourself for. Anyway, I totally get that you were shocked the first time, but now it's time to suck it up and deal with this calmly and rationally-keep your emotions out of it. Your daughter is NORMAL and she needs to be encouraged to deal with her curiosity in a healthy way, without shame and repression.

Hang in there, mama. I hear the teenage years are doozies......:0]

A.

i believe this is pretty natural and i wouldn't personally worry about it.
as long as it's happening in private, and you're positive that she's not being molested in any way, it's not a big deal.
think about how much kids love to stick fingers up noses for an example, we don't freak out about it, we remind them that it's okay to do, yet it's something that should remain private.

I agree that this is a phase and will probably resolve on its own. I wouldn't yell at her though. Children are so innocent and this is no exception. She is only 4 and discovering your body is a natural thing. It is only shameful when it's made to seem that way. I would definitley tell her that it's a private thing, but beyond that I would not make a big deal.