Advice from Married Moms

5 kids does sound like a big family. How many are you wanting??? Did you discuss actual numbers or just say you wanted a big family before you got married?

How could a woman, never mind a man, possibly know how many kids she or he wants until he actually has them? I always thought I wanted a big family until I had two and realized I was DONE!! My husband still wants two more.

I think that if this is something you decided before you got married, then he should definitely uphold his end of the bargain. Just cut him some slack, and dont threaten divorce so readily. That would be incredibly selfish to put five kids through a divorce for that reason.

Things change VERY much once kids come along. Lots of people want and "agree" to having large families, but once this kids come...it's a whole different reality. You can discuss things before you're married, until you're blue in the face. You can decided the exact number of kids you want, the type if house you want, cars, lifestyle...but guess what...life happens. Life makes everything different.
And...I'm sorry...but getting an agreement in writing...is completely ridiculous. People have NO IDEA what it's like to parent, before they have kids. Add a couple of kids and the whole perception of parenthood changes. Every child, that's added, the job gets harder.
Would you really want to have more children, if your husband can't handle it? What about what's fair to him? If he can't deal with more humans to care for, is it really a good idea to force it? That will cause bigger and more intense problems. YOU aren't the only person in this marriage. Your wants and "needs" aren't the only ones. HE has needs, wants, and frustrations as well. Is it grounds for separation...no. Are you being selfish...yes.

He takes care of 5 kids, 3 who are not biologically his.
Don't blow a good thing.

I think you have to look at this objectively, and I know that's hard because this is not what you envisioned. I think it's important that you ask yourself some questions here.

What kind of father is he to your kids? Is he a dad to all 5 of them and not just his 2? Is he a good provider for you? Is he a partner in the parenting? Does he treat your kids with value and build their self esteem? Does he guide and teach them? Does he support you in your rearing of the kids? Does he help when you need it?

If the answer to any of these questions is "no" then I think you have things to think about. But, if the answer to these questions is "yes" then you have to consider the fact that he's pretty much a keeper.

If he is done building the family and you force the issue what you could end up with is a husband who is overwhelmed mentally, physically, and financially. You have to ask yourself the question "Would I rather have a terrific father to 5 kids or would I rather have an average or worse father to a larger family? Is my own happiness worth another person's distress?"

What good is having a larger family if the man you are making them with only became their father because he was backed into a corner for making a decision before knowing what it would be like to have a large family.

I think I would let it quiet down for awhile. Take time to look at it from his point of view and really look at his feelings in this and see if you can see his side. And if he's a good dad, keep him.

L.

I would say that a man who takes on another mans 3 children and then has 2 more with you is a great catch (and I assume this because you didn't say otherwise) AND I personally think that had you made him write down how many kids he would have with you or the fact that you think normal people do such a thing, the problem sounds more like with you. I would be happy with what you have, some aren't as lucky as you to have 5 children.... Plus what if you don't find anyone else to give you more children are you willing to raise 5 kids alone. I really try not to be negative in my answers to posts but I can't believe you didn't once talk about love and all the other stuff that goes with marriage, and the fact that you are watching Wendy Williams for the answers to your problems is a little crazy. Marriage takes work and is about compromise. If you only had 1 child things might be a little different, but I would suggest counceling to come up with a solution.... I still suggest it, but I would also suggest being happy with what you have and talk about it to your husband without being angry and closed minded....that will just cause him to do the same. Hmmm..

I hope you did not get married as a contract only to have kids, then based on your terms, that would sound reasonable to separate, since your husband "broke the contract". But if you married out of love, then what you thought before being married was the ideal, but now that you are married and living it, it has become your reality and things and thoughts have changed. I would re-evaluate why and if you really need to have a big family, try to understand from his perspective (never having kids prior to marriage) and see if there can be a compromise. I think it is selfish on your part to want to separate because you didn't get to have more kids. I take it you had 3 kids and then 2 more, so he might feel it's large enough already.

Did you firmly decide what constitues a "big family" or just use that term? I think most people consider 5 children to be quite a big family so perhaps he's not even technically renegging versus you have different definitions. My husband and I discussed having 3 children and I was open to it, indicated that was probably my intention but after having 2, I'm done. Given the very skewed workload and financial contribution in our house from me, I feel I have the right to now say no more and if he was to leave me over it, I'd feel horrible for our children so fight to keep him but the other part of me would say good riddance. If that's all our marriage came down to after all I've done for him and our kids, I wouldn't care much about him anymore. I'm sure you love children very much to want to have 6 but what about thinking about the 5 you already have and how a divorce would affect them? If you really love children that much, I don't know that you would put this last unconceived child ahead of your entire family.

Just read your update and now have to ask - why would you want another child with a man who is mentally abusive or want to bring another child into a marriage that isn't good??

it's understandable you getting upset, but not worthy of divorce. kids take a lot of time and a lot of money. i think what your husband may be saying is he doesn't have anything left in him to give a child, himself or your marriage what he feels he needs. have kids takes a lot out of a person. i love my two babies, but sometimes i just want to sleep.

you already have 5 and i dont' think that you can hold it against him in court if prenup agreed to 10 (just throwing a number out there) kids all together and he changed his mind to only 2 more, doesnt' a prenup usually cover assets and money?

i think your being a little selfish, he had NO kids when you got married, 2 of his own with you + 3 that are not his is A LOT to take care of, have you been a step parent? if not, then try looking at it from his point of view. he went from looking out for him, to someone else's kids, a wife and 2 of his own...i'd say i changed my mind too. besides a 7 person family IS a big family this day and age.

i wouldn't seperate because he doesn't want any more, if you REALLY want more and your age is an issue maybe consider adoption later when he IS ready for more...there's alot of infants that need a loving home instead of a foster home that really only has the kids for a paycheck

I don't think it's grounds for separation. We all have "ideas" in our heads, that often turn out quite differently.
Really--if you force the issue, would you enjoy living with his attitude?
Marriage is a compromise.

Let me just say this....it would not be a reason I would get a divorce.

(Out of curiosity, what is a big family in your eyes?)

I agree that things change once you have kids - and you had two with him...add in your three and that is bound to be a lot of work! I'm not sure what you decided a BIG family is but five kids is considered a big family!! I do not think it's a deal breaker. Maybe to him having 2 kids was enough and he never said that before. My husband and I always said we wanted 3-4 kids. Right now we have two. I do not think we're done but at times I think two is just enough. I would not want my husband to divorce me if I chose to not have more (or if he chose not to have more - I would be upset because I can really see us having at least one more) but having kids should be BOTH of your decisions! I'd say keep the peace...and maybe offer to babysit any baby in sight!

5 kids is a big family honey. You might be over reacting a bit. I

J.

Well, in my mind, a family of 7 is big. So it seems to me like he kept his side of the bargain. Of course, a marriage is not a bargain or a contract and so you really need to share your thoughts with him and give him a chance to tell you (w/o fear or recrimination) why he thinks 5 kids is enough.

Because you asked, IMO this is certainly not grounds for separation. Things change. My husband decided to do a complete 180 in his career and our family planning was put on hold while he went back to school. Unplanned? Sure. Did he give me a ton of valid reasons about why our plans were changing? Yes. Best thing that ever happened for us was when our plans were changed and re-built.

Having children is absolutely a deal breaker for people. And since you spelled out what you wanted, and were cryptically clear about it, then I think you have grounds for separation, if that's what you really want.

Personally, I think you've got a great thing going with a guy that takes care of 3 kids that aren't his. But that's not your question. If you want to leave him because he won't give you more kids, then you should. But if you're hoping to call his bluff and bully him into more kids, consider the negative consequences of that.
And in the event that he does along with the separation, let's look at your situation: you become a single mother to 5 kids at 40. And is your goal, then, to find another husband to give you more kids? Realistically, at your age, that's unlikely.

So I would say, if you really want to leave him over this, then do it. You made yourself clear. Just look at what you're left with if you do.

This is a hard one. My first instinct is to say that you already have five. BUT... i have four and i detest when people say that to me.

My husband is done. Me not so much. I understand where my husband is coming from. It is hard, but i do. Money is tight, we are finally enjoying each other, i have a disease....he has good arguments.

Have you sat with your husband and asked him why he is done? Maybe he is overwhelmed. Don't be mad at him for changing his mind. Ask him to help you to understand. Also, he may have thought two more was a big family?

I wish you lots of luck. It is hard to close that chapter of our life. Especially if we dreamed of large families.

I think we all have the right to change our minds. Before I had any kids I had decided I wanted four. I then had my first and thought maybe three would be a good number, well after number two came along I knew that was good for me. Fortunately my husband agreed with me.
Maybe your husband thought he would like a big family and then reality of it changed his mind.
I feel bad for you that you feel cheated in some way but surely leaving him will not give you the big family you desire either. You have to think very carefully about the family you already have together before you make the decision to tear it apart. You do have the right to be happy too and if this makes you that unhappy then you've got to do what you've got to do.

Hmm, this is a tough question. I'm not sure if it is worthy of separation though. Is the reason you married him just to have children or spend your life with? I agree with you feelings of maybe being cheated on what you want, but there must be a reason why your husband now no longer wants to have more children. Has he said why? Is he worried about your health in these later pregnancies? Perhaps he sees it as a financial burden, or like he won't have time to share with each of the children.
It's impossible for anyone to know how many children they will actually want to have until they have the opportunity to have time being a parent to the children they already have. Maybe after fathering the two children you have together and your three children too he feels he HAS a big family?
Sounds like a big heart to heart about what his true feelings, concerns are would be what is needed.
Best wishes

I guess if you didn't determine on a number for a "big family" prior then I'm not sure what the problem is. I grew up as one of 5 and know that I came from a big family. More kids would have made things harder, not that it doesn't happen. As the second oldest I got stuck a lot with a lot of chores, babysitting, etc. I became a second mom, well third after my older sister, to the younger ones. Keeping in mind we are all about 2 years apart. Still though. I had always wanted only 2 kids. Then when number 3 came along, I couldn't imagine not having a 4th. But when he was about 2, my husband and I both agreed we were good and our family was complete. I think you guys just need to sit down and talk more about it. Try to understand why he is saying he is done.

Is separating from your husband going to give you the babies that you want?

What does husband say is his reason he has changed his mind? Perhaps it's financial issues. Perhaps he can't handle the year he goes w/o sex if you cut him off while pregnant. Perhaps he's not ready for sleepless nights. Perhaps he can't handle another dirty diaper. Talk to him about it and tell him you want the complete truth.

In response to the moms who think 40 is too "old" to have kids, I have 5 kids, I started at age 24 and ended at age 42 (same husband :) and frankly think that women are having kids into their late 40s now a days, which is just fine! But, my husband also wanted each of our children very much -- if he hadn't I am not sure what I would have done, but leaving him would not have been an option. Best of luck to you in your decisions.