Advice for Helping a Friend Who Just Revealed She's an Alcoholic

Alcoholics can't EVER drink again. Not a drop. She is saying that, to justify drinking. Plain and simple. She is still in this very deep. It's normal to have set backs. Drink, stop drinking, drink, stop...for a little while, to a long time. AA, is a good start. I say start, because it only does so much. AA does nothing to fix the REASON a person chooses addiction, it is only a support group. My sister had to leave AA, because she said it tempted her. She said they would all sit around after a meeting and talk about how they used to drink. She couldn't handle it. Alcoholism is a symptom. A symptom of a bigger problem. A problem that needs to be dealt with by professionals. Psychologists, counselors, etc. I would not act like her sponsor, by being persistent. Make it known you are there for her. Call her when you think of her, but don't keep calling. She will get a sponsor, and that will be their responsibility. They are trained to do that, and responsible for it. YOU can't do anything to help her alcoholism. Only she can. You can be there, that's it. Everything else, is up to her. Hopefully, she will get counseling and get on a great path.

Sponsors are for checking in with daily or weekly

Friends are for loving on/sharing life with

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Added as I was on my phone, before.

Consider it like a friend who has just been diagnosed with diabetes, or needs to lose a lot of weight. She may vent to you about her struggles, but you don't call in and find out what she's had to eat that day. You still meet up, but you might meet up for coffee or a pool hall rather than the Cheescake Factory, or for a Potluck. Or if you DID meet up at a "food" place, you wouldn't load up your plates with "Mmmmmm, this is so GOOD," or "Damn I NEEDED that after the day I've had!" giant piles of food that you're moaning over.

Why don't you start by asking her , what she needs from you . Let her set her own boundaries for awhile and see how that goes. You tell her your concerns and come up with a plan together that you guys are both comfortable with.

quick answer. Go with her to an alanon meeting, or more than one. I took my friend once for the same exact reason and i think the only thing a friend can do is lend emotional support and show up. But she needs an actual sponser to help her detox and go through the steps.

C., the best you can do is to be there for her. You cannot control nor direct her recovery, and hovering over her may well drive her away. I get that you are worried about her and want to text her several times a day and make sure she is not drinking - but look at it from her side - before you knew she was an alcoholic you all talked about other things - but now the main topic is her alcoholism. If she is attending several AA meetings a day she needs to be able to have you as her friend to talk to about movies, and shopping, and normal everyday things.

Invite her out to a movie, or the mall, or the goofy golf course - do the normal things that you would have done with her before she "came out".
Recovery is a long road for many people and it is very hard. Alcohol can create not only a physical dependency but an emotional one as well. If she is struggling with depression she may well have been using the alcohol as a way to "self medicate" to feel better (or to feel nothing). As she learns to live without alcohol she will need to learn how to deal with her feelings unadulterated and, in essence, alone.

It is easy to jump to the conclusion that your friend is passed out or drinking when she doesn't answer your call, especially since you just learned of her struggle. But try your hardest not to - think back to before you knew - if she didn't answer your phone call what did you think then? Try and go back to that. It is very hard not to assume the worst when someone you care about has an alcohol problem - but as you become more "comfortable" with the issue, you will relax. You may want to try an Al-Anon meeting for friends and family members. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Whatever you do, let her know that you are there for her if she needs, and try to give her some normalcy in her life and in your friendship with her.

Good Luck
God Bless

P.S. - we have dealt with alcoholism in my family so I know what you are going through. Hugs.

I agree with Denise. I have many family members,including my family and brother, who are alcoholic. None of them have recovered and most have destroyed lives.
More likely than not, your friend is still drinking. There is nothing you can do to stop her. If she thinks she can handle drinking as some point, she is still in denial about being an alcoholic.
My SIL and some friends have overcome it. Nome of them touch a drop of alcohol.

Hello,

Be non-judgmental and open. If you really want to support her, learn everything about the disease. Read the the big blue book cover to cover (I did). It helps you understand the disease so you can better assist. It also helps you understand that it is not your problem, it's there's...and only they can fix it. She will fall off the wagon many times.....but you gotta know that she's gotta keep trying, and that she's not hopeless becasue she does. Alchoholics are ashamed of their behavior and are ashamed that they have no self-control. Until they "get it" that they have no control and have to "do the work" they will never fully open up. You can't force them to open up, you can't force them to call you, you just need to tell them that you're they're for them....however that looks like. There's a lot you can do to support her, but it's up to your friend to want it. Be loving, have boundaries, and communicate those boundaries to her.

S.

There is a lot of alcoholism in my family. Checking up on them is just nagging - it's an attempt to control their behavior and you cannot control their behavior. It is her commitment that will determine whether this is a successful recovery or not. (And the fact that she thinks she can drink some tells me she's not very committed as she still thinks she can control the alcohol.) Whatever you do, don't put yourself in the position of being her babysitter or it will suck you into codependency. That is not to say you can't help her, just don't let helping her become your purpose in life as that is a hard merry go round to get off. That said, things you can do are to be a happy person, model a happy life and include her in alcohol free activities from time to time so that she can choose to participate in alcohol free activities. You might also suggest alternative activities to her (which would be her choice whether to do or not) so that she has some thoughts for how to create new better choices in her life - so things like "have you ever thought about volunteering at the humane society? You would be so good at that!" Oh, but don't be disappointed if she doesn't choose the healthy alternatives. Don't enable, let her be accountable for the consequences of her drinking. Set boundaries such as "Because I care about you and I want this recovery to be successful for you, if you call me drunk, I'm going to refer you to your sponsor for the help you need" or "If I think you've been drinking when you come over, we're not going out with you." Learn what you can about the disease, attend an Al-anon meeting if you want (I did not find Al-anon helpful but a lot of people do and you can try different chapters.) If you think she is in a dangerous situation (like behind the wheel of a car), call her sponsor or encourage her to call her sponsor. Good luck

Some very dear friends and a very close family member are struggling with this.

My advice to add is, don't focus on what's going on, but be respectful of the struggle. And it IS a struggle. There is a reason they call themselves recoverING alcoholics, and not recoverED alcoholics - this is a lifelong battle, and the temptation will be there forever. She has friends she drinks with socially, and she goes to places (like the dance clubs), where it's part of the 'scene' to drink - your only job is to be the friend she doesn't drink with, and doesn't feel like she has to drink with during a social encounter. In other words, be the friend who orders an iced tea when the two of you go to lunch, instead of a margarita. Instead of making up a pitcher of sangria for your next barbecue, make lemonade. That sort of thing. No temptation when she's with you - don't make a big deal out of it - just do it.

It's no coincidence that this came out around the same time your friend was struggling with depression. Pay attention to when she starts showing signs of depression again, and try to keep her from being alone during her dangerous times. Go for an evening run, or see a movie, or check out the new yogurt shop or whatever is not associated with alcohol.

Best wishes to your friend.