Advice for Establishing Bedtime Routine for a Divorced Father

I'm not divorced, but I've never had an issue with bedtimes because as others have mentioned, I start winding down early. We have done this since the start. I used to have my kids bathed (as something to do with them) early, and ready for bed, then they could play quietly. But I get the stuff that had to be done - over with ahead of time. It set the mood that we were winding down, and it's much easier to get a child to brush teeth if they're not tired and cranky.

I also read to them, and then allowed them to read a bit (once they got to a certain age) so bedtime was fun, not some dreaded time.

The people I know who struggle don't have a pleasant routine. The parents are tired and cranky and it's just stressful. I know I get more and more tired as night wears on, that's why getting the work done early, means you can veg with the kids later. He could tell the kids if you get ready for bed, we can watch a show together before bed, and if they fuss - then no show, right to bed. Whatever works.

I don't know about feeling bad for being impatient. We're all impatient at times. Some nights my kids are allowed to read in bed, mom's too tired. My kids adapt. No point in feeling bad about it. But I don't chase my kids. There are consequences if they give me grief. So he has to get used to that I'm guessing.

In my opinion I think kids are resilient. They respond to their environment. I Do KNOW dad has to be consistent in the bedtime routine. I have "down time" one hour before their bedtime. Down time consists of low lights, reading, just quite peaceful stuff( make it your own)It takes time for sure since mom does something different. If the kids "test" you, still be consistent they'll learn dads rules. Special needs or not.

Never been in that situation, but what works for kids is routine. Obviously, he cannot enforce the same routine he uses at their other home, but, to some degree, kids can adapt and learn to be ok with 2 different routines (so long as they *are* routines). Or one routine and one *other*...

Falling asleep might be tricky, b/c your body learns cues about when it's time for sleep, and if the same routine isn't maintained in both homes, it may be more difficult for those cues to help them drift off at the appropriate time.

That said, the kids are old enough to let them have some input into the routine, and to write out a list of what it is, so they KNOW what to expect. Do they still want a bedtime story read? Are baths done first? Let them participate in the discussion about what the routine will be (perhaps it can be similar to the one in their other home), and then write it out, and follow it. Knowing what is about to happen helps with expectations. And they will adapt soon enough to understanding the different expectations in the two homes.
-ETA
And quite time for 30-45 minutes before bed is a wonderful idea. I would have loved that. I loved reading before bed and would often read well into the night (never resorted to a flashlight under the covers though). But, if they prefer having a story read TO them, that's not unheard of for those ages, either. Or shouldn't be. Maybe the teen. But you could do anything. Exchange highs/lows/something funny for the day. Recount worries/concerns and moments of pride. Plan out tomorrows clothing choices. Discuss lunches (if they take from home). It *could* be study time. But that might not be very relaxing. Maybe checking backpacks to see if everything is ready to go for the next day. Spend 20 minutes coloring or drawing. Whatever. Ask them how they unwind best. Just don't let them choose video games. LOL

--
ETA (again, sorry)
This may not apply to your friend, but I will throw it out there anyway just in case. I know, with my husband it was often the case, and other moms I know have shared the same story... Dads have a tendency to rile the kids UP at bedtime, rather than winding them down. Mine always would start a tickle game or chased them around the house in a race to be the first one on the bed for stories or whatever. Being loud and exciting. Often, that's just the way dads are more apt to interact with their kids. But it is counter-productive at bedtime. Most dads I know who behave this way are oblivious to the fact they are doing it. So, maybe mention it, just as a heads up. If it is his MO then he can consciously change it. If it isn't, no harm, no foul, by mentioning it.

I never ever had to fight to get the kids to bed or out of bed in the morning. My kids are now almost 20, 16 and 13. My oldest, my step dtr, is spec needs (MOMR) and currently lives full time with her mom. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. Since then, we have a routine for the kids that we still stick to and it works great.

When they were younger (until recently we had all 3 full time), they had to start getting in the shower at 715-730. By the time they were all out, it was about 8pm. At that time, they all went into their rooms. They didn’t (and still don’t) have a tv in their rooms but they were to STAY in there. I didn’t care what they did, but they couldn’t come out unless they were “bleeding or barfing” (family joke to this day). They would color, read, listen to the radio, play with toys, whatever. They were usually asleep by 830. Then I would go in at night when I was going to bed and shut off lights and radios and make sure they were tucked in. They all got up on their own in the mornings and kept to themselves until we were awake. I never had to fight them to get out of bed or dressed, ever.

This would teach them about down time and give them time to relax. They also learned to put themselves to sleep. They knew when they started to “feel” sleepy they needed to get into bed. It also gives my husband and I time to ourselves. We can watch R rated movies they shouldn’t see (lol) or talk about stuff or do other stuff…without being interrupted.
Now they are older and we have tweaked it a little. They are NEVER allowed to have phones/tablets/electronics with internet upstairs at all. That’s where all our bedrooms are.

They are off their phones/tablets at 7:30-8 but can then watch tv or play xbox until 9pm, then they go in their rooms. They are usually asleep by 930-10 at the latest. Weekends I let them stay up a little later but they usually go to bed on their own because they are tired. They are up every morning on their own usually before we get up. We have been consistent with this for years and it works for us.

Kids with special needs especially need consistency and a schedule. I have 3 out of 3…MOMR, ADD/Asperger’s and ADHD with anxiety. This is what our basic schedule is now: after school, homework and chores before fun. Then they either go outside and play with friends, swim, tv, electronics, etc. At least once a week we will have a family game night and recently I got a bunch of adult coloring pages/books and we are doing that. Then we all have dinner and after dinner they usually watch youtube or play video games. Then they are off all that at 730-8 and my daughter usually listens to music in her room and draws or they both will play on the xbox until 9 when they go in their rooms.

He may have a hard time at first but needs to try a few different things depending on what they generally do. If they give him a hard time he needs to have an immediate consequence such as sitting quietly in another room for 10 minutes. Once they know what is expected, hopefully they will get in the groove and it will be easier for dad. Once he figures it out, he can email the ex and list out what he does (like I did above) and hopefully she can do the same on her week. Of course, my ex only has mine every other weekend so mine are a little easier since they are with me full time but there is still an adjustment for all of us when they come home. Good luck!

You say "recent" so things are still in flux. Kids can learn different rules in different houses. I would encourage him to sit down and think about what he'd like bedtime to be, what his kids are capable of on their own, and how to get there. Does one kid respond well to lists? Does another respond well to timers? When my SD was a preteen, she complained to her mom about a "baby bedtime" but we had to get her up early for school and she was always late. We said if she could be on time for 1 week, she'd earn 15 minutes later at night. She got stuck at 9:30 for a long time, but it took the fight out of it to simply remind her the agreement. Sometimes it also helps to say, "Kids, this is terrible. It stinks for me and I bet it's not fun for you to be yelled at every night. This is going to change. This is how..." And then be consistent. If they are late, then what is the consequence? Earlier to bed the next night? When the sks made us late, they "owed" us time. Like a clock. It helped them to learn to respect our time to get to do what they wanted.

He should also be in contact with the teachers so that they know the week on/week off routine. And, frankly, it often took a day of "reprogramming" to get the sks to settle here, so after several days/a week, he should expect at least a few hard nights before they resettle to his routine.

This is so very very hard on kids. It's a shame the judge didn't understand that.

Kids deserve a home that is the home they go to every day, week after week. Visiting the other parent gives them a special bond with them and getting to go for longer periods of time during school breaks really helps make things good.

So, if mom isn't going to put the kids to bed at a regular time dad is never going to be able to establish that either.

They have biorhythms that are set. If both parents would agree and both work towards a set time, 365 days per year then they could slowly change them.

The kids are NOT going to go to bed any earlier at his house than they do at mom's house. Period. He can fight it and punish them and stress his butt out but it's not going to change anything. He'll have this fight each and every week the rest of their life until they are out of school.

In my honest opinion I would talk to the kids and ask them what is a reasonable bed time. At this age I'd say 9 or 10 would be a goal. We've always had a 9pm bedtime but for one kid it was too early, he woke up around 5 every morning and didn't sleep the rest of the day. Another one would go straight to bed and go right to sleep. One of the other grand kids was out by 9. He'd wake up around 7:30am and be a happy loving kid the rest of the day.

If he has to get them up at a different time than mom he might need to hire a morning nanny that will come in, wake them up, get them off to school, then be off the rest of the day. I have parents in my child care center that had to have their kids to care by 5:30am so they could be at work on the line when it started at 6am. She wanted to be in bed by 7 or 8pm. Her kids eventually were ready for bed early too. If she hadn't been able to get her kids up and to care on time she'd have had to hire someone to do it for her.

Kids are different. Having a goal where the house settles down isn't bad. BUT fighting and yelling and getting everyone riled up won't do anything but make the kids hate their dad and hate going there.

Not saying he can't make them conform to what he wants. But trying to do something that is so basic and involves their biology isn't going to be easy if not down right impossible.

I suggest they set a time when everyone goes to their room. They can be in there as long as they are quiet, ready for bed, and not interacting with anyone else. Then they will have down time and it will

If the kids don't go to bed on time the natural consequence is that they will be tired the next day.

I personally can't imagine fighting over bed time especially with a teenager.

He certainly could say it is time for bed and shut off the tv and lights in the family areas of the house.

I'm with Eve S.!! This is new for everyone and there will be craziness until routine is established. Kids understand that adults have different rules so they'll adjust. Love Eve's idea about the hour before bedtime is quiet. Hang in there Papa!

i haven't been in this situation, but throughout my boys' entire childhoods their bedtime routine revolved around bedtime stories. that included when they went to grandparents for sleepovers.
the situation here is very eeky and disrupted for the kids, so i'm glad he's trying to stop yelling. that will just make things worse. he needs to plan out the evenings, give a one hour warning during which time baths, teeth and cleaning up needs to happen. and then i'd gather everyone together for storytime. these kids are well within an age to a) enjoy being read to and b) enjoy the same types of books. harry potter might be a great place to start, or the narnia series.
bedtime reading is good for everybody.
khairete
S.