Hi Moms,
I am looking for suggestions for parenting & discipline techniques for a VERY VERY ACTIVE toddler. Any practical advice, any books, any classes in the Chicago area you might recommend? I am considering going to Tuesday's Child in the city for the parenting classes. It's a 12 week commitment & expensive for us, so I am wondering if anyone else has gone through the program & could tell me what it was like, is it worth it, etc?
A little background information: My son is 27 mos. old. He's very bright & curious. He is not just "being a typical toddler." He's been strong, wiry, alert, and active almost since birth. One of our lactation consultants was the first to point out his high muscle tone. As an infant, he held his head up early, rolled over right away, crawled at 6 mos., skipped sitting unassisted, got graduated out of infant massage class b/c he was too active to sit still. Moved into a music class and then a play class for toddlers before he was a year old b/c he was so active. Our house has been child proofed beyond child proof since our son could crawl. I actually don't find the Terrible Two's to be that bad really. Since he's able to communicate better, I find it is getting easier. Still, his activity level, in certain situations is problematic. Also, my son gets occupational & developmental therapy through Early Intervention. They work on increasing his attention span & teaching him to follow directions. We had his speech evaluated b/c there was some concern about his receptive language. It was determined that he's not delayed enough for services-rather his level of activity gets in the way. Sometimes he's so busy/distracted that one speech therapist said "his body isn't even in a position to take in any information." Our occupational therapist thinks that he may be sensory seeking (based on some behaviors & his tolerance of pain) & he may require a bit more stimulation at times-including what we must do to get his attention.
I have structured most of our days so that they are mostly successful for both me & my son. He does great at stores & restaurants. There are certain classes and such we go to often enough that he knows the routine. He LOVES parks, pools, anything outdoors. He also behaves wonderfully when he's the center of attention & has several adults lavishing him with attention-thus most of my family members rarely see what I am concerned about. My son is mellowing a little with age & as he acquires more language. We still run into trouble in new/novel environments. His activity level + his curiosity make it difficult to control him (for example while visiting a house or condo he's never been to before). We met a bunch of moms & babies when my son was younger.. I got frustrated & often found myself crying after play dates/get togethers b/c the other moms would talk, eat, drink, relax while I was constantly running after my son to keep him out of trouble or keep him from getting hurt. He was younger then and most of the other babies were even younger than him. Needless to say, I always felt very isolated & alone. Now that he's older & we have some new friends, we've had some play dates come up & the exploring is an issue when we are in someone else's house. Also, he's exhibiting 2 year old behavior-not wanting to share toys, grabbing toys away, some pinching, and on one occasion biting another child. He only has done this while playing in someone's house or our house with toys-particularly his own toys. NEVER at a class, the park, the pool, or the babysitter's house. I know 2 year old children mostly parallel play & I know they don't really understand how to share for some time. I don't think I have unreasonable expectations of my son. It's definitely not acceptable to hurt other children, nor is it o.k. to do whatever you like or go wherever you like in another person's home. I am at a loss about how to intervene & how to discipline such an active little guy who has trouble listening & following directions-possibly more trouble than a typical 2 year old. I have heard about techniques such as using a timer to indicate how long a time out should last or how long each child has to play with a toy, but he doesn't seem to understand the timer yet. I have also heard of asking the child if he/she would like to put toys away that they don't want to share with another child, but that is not a question my son could answer yet. We are still struggling with getting him to answer simple "yes/no" questions or choosing between two things. Ughh! I suspect that some of the discipline will get easier as his ability to communicate increases, but until then I am trying to figure out what to do. Does ANYBODY else have a child like mine. You know who you are if you do! What worked for you/your child? I would love to know. Until then, I will keep saying no, redirecting, and praising the good behavior. Thanks in advance!
Gymboree...My sister lives in chicago and goes there ALL the time.
They get a whole area to climb and run all over. It helps keep her kid active and also gives a safe environment for him to explore.
I have a friend with an almost two-year-old that sounds exactly like this. He's just so much more physically mature than the rest of his peers it's almost laughable. I always tell my friend she'll be able to reminisce about this with ESPN when he's a famous athlete, but for now I can see how it can be sometimes miserable. She doesn't get much time to sit and chill with other mothers either and even though she's tall and athletic herself I think there will soon come a time when she's no match for him physically. Hopefully by then his language will have caught up with his body, but for now he's just really busy MOVING. She also does better with him in large open spaces and we have much more fun at the park than in a tiny sandbox.
I think parenting classes would probably be a waste of time and some of this soon shall pass and you'll just have a really coordinated, athletic kid who was a challenging child.
Good Luck. By the way, my friend's son is great and kind of a wonder to watch. I bet yours is the same!
Wow, it sounds like you just described my kid. Thats crazy, I honestly was starting to think I was the only one with a toddler like this. I don't really have an answer for you, but I do have all the same questions. Time-outs don't work for him, he is just too inventive, and if I put him in the corner he just jumps around, I can't force him to stay still. I know exactly what you mean about playdates, where other kids sit and play and you are the only one running around making sure yours stays out of trouble. I do think this stage will pass sooner that later, so I'm not too worried, but I have a 2 month old baby too, and it is hard at times. I am not sure if I would spend a lot of money on parenting classes, it sounds like you are doing the right things, go with your instinct. It just seems like a waste of time and money considering this is just a stage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I hope to see some answers in this thread, hopefully it will help both of us :)
You're doing what you should be doing! My son pushed our cat out the window and climbed out after him, right through a rose bush, while my husband was making a sandwich (at 18 months old) and now at 3 1/2 loves to run outside and stop one foot from our road. He is at least 41 inches tall, 42 pounds, and all bone and muscle. He has NO clear idea how strong he is and accidently hurts me when playing or being resistant. He also started hitting all growth and movement milestones early. He has no delays or problems in any areas though, loves people, talks to everyone, and can go anywhere (very nice restaurants, etc.).
This will probably be ongoing, but it definitely gets easier as they get older and can talk better. You will constantly be re-safety-proofing your home--we have had to reinforce and raise gates, screw all of our furniture to the walls, rearrange our living room so he couldn't get to certain areas, and he still manages sometimes. I hate visiting new people because, even if they tell me they have kids and it is fine, it is NOT always safe for a child like mine. My in-laws have been wonderful about proofing their home before visits at least and we just try to entertain here. I understand that you never get to relax--I am always chasing my kids if we go anywhere else and it is not fun.
Redirection is good, but I found that child-proofing his bedroom and having some "breaks" in there helped a lot--I could shut him in, he could scream, cry, calm down, whatever, without getting hurt. He still gets a little wired when he is really tired and will grab me hard and squeeze, but usually does not mean to hurt me. He plays hard and rough and is soooooo ready for sports. However, since he will also sit and look through books for an hour at a time, I am not worried about his energy level. My ongoing joke is that I just need to keep him alive long enough to get him into school where his teachers can worry about him, but I really think the environment will help him to get his energy out better and to focus when he needs to. Good luck--I wish I had more advice beyond telling you to hang on for the ride and try to keep him safe--it is exhausting but has worked for us so far.
Wow...this is very interesting and I'm sorry you're sounding so stressed! First off, I would say it's good that you have some more friends for play dates...try to do as much with a small group as you can because it's beneficial for both of you. First, you need a group of moms that understand you and your son so that you can relax, chat, and get advice. I made 2 really good mom friends and they have been lifesavers for me! Secondly, your son will become more comfortable with them and their homes, etc. and maybe will understand the rules in their house better as well as how to interact with their children.
About discipline...even though he can't communicate to you through very many words, he should still be understanding what you're saying and what you expect. The hard part is that you sometimes have to guess b/c he isn't telling you and that's sucks. I would really look into Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Faye and Foster Cline. Someone somewhere in Chicago is probably offering parenting classes so do a google search. A lot of times classes will start up near the beginning of school too, so this is the right time to look. I have studied this particular method a lot and even used it in my classroom when I taught school and it works. There are a lot of really great techniques to use and although some of them are hard to do and hard to stay consistent, it is worth it in the end. I have seen it work with pretty much every child that I worked with, and although no plan is flawless, I feel it's one of the best. Also, I wouldn't ask him if he wants to put the toys away, of course he's going to say no! Simply tell him, if you can't share I will take this toy away. Then do it. Don't give it back for a bit and when you do, explain that it's for sharing and if it doesn't happen take it away and don't give it back for a day or so. Keep trying to get him to choose between two different things, it's a good way to make him feel in control and that he has some choices. He's only 2, he can understand a lot, but he really can't understand how to play with others and how to reason, especially when he's about to get in trouble! ;) I agree that you should stick to your standards about not hurting other kids and not running wild in someone else's home, but 2 year olds need repetition. They need to hear you and see you following through every time. Also, when kids don't communicate very well verbally, many times they resort to physical violence because it's something everyone can understand. You need to include that in your conversations with him (which you probably have already!) but say, I know you're feeling frustrated because X wouldn't share that toy, but it's never going to be okay to hit when you're frustrated....etc. etc.
Okay, I'm getting really long winded! Sorry! It does sound like you have a very active child on your hands and it sounds like you're doing all the right things! Hang in there and check out L & L...I love it!
Wish you lived near me, we'd definately have to do a playdate. Yes, I may have well written this myself. Except mine is so strong willed, it's insane, also mine is like 3.5 going on 16, he's always just understood things waaaay too much. I adore him, and I think back to my schooldays, where I'd make the nicest teacher scream that I couldn't follow any direction or listen-yet I was in gifted-AP classes during school, so this really was difficult. Seems my little man is a carbon copy of me, my family and I see it all the time. I did what you're doing and it worked, but lost it's effectiveness, so every 6 mos or so, I gotta bring smacking his butt for a day or two into the picture, and then the memory is still fresh enough to get him to chill out for a bit. I did time outs to the letter, they just stopped working once age 3 came around. I've heard about some good books, but I can't find a second to go to the bathroom by myself most days, and come night, I'm either attempting intimacy with my equally exhausted husband, or we're passed out.
yep - I am right there with you too. My little man is 3 yrs old. I never get to sit down at a playdate, while everyone else is chatting and relaxing. I have found it best that we have a couple good friends and keeping the playdate small is better for my son (and then I get to sit down more too!). My son is also hitting - M., his friends, inadvertently kicking the person in line next to us in a store. It is all utterly exhausting. We just started some Occupational Therapy with a OT in North Riverside that specializes in sensory seekers and I am hopeful. He had an evaluation (at Helping Hands in Countryside) and was identified as a sensory/pressure seeker. (book suggestion: The Out-of-Sync Child). Her advise so far has been to offer a million very tight bear hugs throughout the day to satisfy that need for pressure and this is suppose to help him self-regulate and preempt that need to seek pressure elsewhere. She also suggests a Brushing Technique, which I haven't learned anything about yet, so I cannot comment to if that will be effective. As far a discipline, I find timeouts are somewhat effective for the small stuff (ie. don't touch that lamp, don't throw sand) but it is a waste for the big stuff (hitting, headbutting). As someone else suggested, I really liked the Love and Logic book, but I found it took a lot of energy and practice to implement. I also really like the book How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids will Talk. This one is a similar theory to L&L - basically being respectful to your kids and I have found it easier to grasp for myself and, when I take the time to do it, it is very effective. I also have, but have not yet read The Spirited Child. Another thing that I need to keep reminding myself (as from you post I see you already do) is all of my son's positive attributes too. Sometimes I get too down on him for not keeping him hands to himself and that sets off a bad cycle for both of us. I am working on keeping my emotions out of disciple (ie. trying not to get so mad when he punches M. in the face), but that is the most challenging part. The OT suggested using a stern but non-aggressive voice and saying something such as "That is NOT ok", then redirecting him. Oh, and SLEEP - this is by far the biggest factor in managing his behavior - if either of us don't have enough sleep, it is a very bad day all around. I also preempt any grumpiness from hungry by offering very scheduled, somewhat substantial-sized, snacks between meals. These are the things I am trying and hopefully there are some things in there that are helpful - but I have come to the realization that there is no getting around it - some kids are just more exhausting than others and I ALWAYS have to be on my toes with my son. It sounds to M. that you are already doing a great job at it and getting him the help he needs by seeing an OT. Best of Luck to you and feel free to email!
My son, now almost 6, was very similar. I have a few comments. First, as others have said, you are not alone. I never sat and chatted at play dates either, and I often felt alone too. It is rough, but it does get better! Second, it is very age appropriate for 2 year olds not to share - as you said. If other kids do, great, but you can't expect that of your son at this age. Third, after many years I finally realized that my son was not being "bad" many times, it is just that he was SO curious and had a need to explore everything. We recently had his IQ tested and he is in the highly gifted range. He still is extremely curious and asks about a thousand questions a day to the point of exhaustion on the part of his parents. With age and gentle guidance from us, he did learn that you can't run around to all parts of others houses, but he still has an insatiable curiousity. Look at this as a positive - we need people like this to invent new things, find cures for diseases, etc. - but still provide him with gentle guidance in the appropriate behavior. You might try reading some books on gifted children. Fourth, some of his behavior like pinching and biting is just his way of communicating that he is frustrated, angry, upset, whatever. He doesn't yet know how to put it into words so it shows up in his behavior. If you remember this, you will have an easier time of helping him. Of course, you need to tell him that you don't pinch/bite, but you can say something like "I see that you are frustrated that you cannot have that toy . . . ." Don't punish him for having that feeling, help him to direct it in the proper way. It will come with time.
I have worked with kids like this ( and my baby is HIGHLY active as well...exhausting isn't it) I would suggest you try my turn your turn... Get a toy he likes and hand it to him. Wait 15 seconds then take it and say my turn play with it for 15 seconds then hand it back and say your turn. Repeat this often and as he gets better at it ( expect a bit of tantruming at first) increase the length of time for each "turn"
Hmmm I'm not sure if this book might useful for you but it's called "raising your spirited child"...not sure if your child would be considered spirited or just super active! find it on amazon and see if the summary describes your sitch. Good luck!
My daughter is also 27 months. She drives me nuts. I would love to have her energy. She also loves to be outside and will migrate straight over to any other small children. Taking her out, I have to constantly go after her because she will go too far or run out of the yard. I also have 11 yr old kids and she tries to be just like them. She doesn't quite get that she is not allowed to do some things they do. But you are on the right track with telling him no (a lot I am sure), redirecting and praise. It will change over time and it does get better. I figure maybe when my dd is 5? I sure hope so.
I just read Living with the Active Alert Child by Linda S. Budd and it had some helpful suggestions. We are lucky to have met a few other active, spirited children and they seemed to play well with my daughter (and the moms understand the issues you face having a VERY active child). Good luck!
I feel your pain! I swear you are describing my son. As I write this, I am on vacation staying in a house with two other couples and their kids. I swear after we all get home that they will never talk to us again (LOL)! I have left the zoo, storytime at the library, friends and families houses, etc. crying because why is it that my child is so "spirited"? Everyone always says that "he's just a boy" but yet, all of the other boys aren't acting like this? I pray it doesn't get worse! Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to give you but one thing I try to do is to not expect too much from him. I know his limits and try to avoid situations that expect more from him than what he can handle. It makes it very lonely at times but easier on my son. I even went as far as taking him to a beach (just a small man-made,inland lake) by my house before we went on vacation to Myrtle Beach so that he could get used to it. It was such a success and I was terribly excited for our vacation. And then...we get here and it is a nightmare! Everyone is enjoying their time at the beach but it's too much for my son. So I am sitting this one out because I know it's just too much for him! I pray that as he gets older, it gets easier but I don't think it's likely! Good luck and I hope it gets easier for you!
