I'll specify... adults that live with their parents that aren't there to help their parents but rather the opposite. Fully capable... and lazy...adults mooching off mom and dad. I mean paying NO rent, not helping out at all financially and that don't have a job and mom and/or dad pays for everything. I SWEAR, in a hypothetical situation, I would NOT allow it, I'd kick them out if I knew that they weren't going any where... BUT, my oldest is only 9 so I don't know.
BOTH of my kids' uncles are in this situation (separate sides of the family). They MOOCH. One is 35, the other is 23. The 23 year old got "laid off" after he was caught ONCE AGAIN arriving drunk at work. He's been on unemployment for a year... what is his parent's solution? Give him a car (he WRECKED the last two he was GIVEN from being drunk) cause he can't afford one and pay for more schooling. Never mind he works for himself to get this done.
The 35 year old has ALWAYS had mom's help, but only in the past 3 years has he lived with his mom (he lived by himself but did not totally support himself before that). he quit his not-so-hard job because he just didn't like it and then moved into mom's house because he didn't have enough money for rent. Now, he has plenty of jobs that he could have, but he doesn't want to work his way up. He wants to start at the top, so he isn't taking any 'bottom dweller" jobs. he also stresses his mom out with disrespect... constantly (like a rude teenager). His mom actually doesn't put her foot down in FEAR of him, because he can come on VERY strong and can be verbally abusive. He also happens to have expensive taste
Meanwhile, neither pay rent or...anything. The 23 year old's unemployment is up and he's trying to wait til a law passes to extend it.
Here I am... not being in anyone's shoes but VERY strongly thinking that all the parents are doing is enabling, and these guys will never be able to be on their own unless they are made to/kick out...adios! It is costing my in laws and my mother MUCH money and it is causing the family stress.
What would you do if you were the parents?
What would you do if one of them was your brother?
My brother happens to be the 35 year old. ...and he's dating again. he messed up the last relationship by being verbally abusive.
I don't know what to do! Their problems are only mounting... and I wanna see them succeed, and I want my kids' grandparents to be happy... sigh.
Jo... really... why are you doing this????????? and I didn't call YOU retarded. What you said was. Sure, it was a stupid choice of words on my part, but I got rid of it cause it was not necessary, which I thought was a good thing to do. Why did I find a need to say that? because YOU were talking about ME. BACK OFF. I obviously don't want anymore trouble. WHY further something! ...and I would have NEVER started something with you EVER. haven't you seen me on here for 6 years and agreed with a lot I've said and vice-versa? WHY be so rude to someone like that???? I don't get it. ...and I'd NEVER post what you just did again on another question. What you are doing is demeaning to yourself and borderline harassing. haven't yo seen all the crap about how women can be "catty" on her, etc... GEE... WHY did I erase my other question? Well, I got hate messages, and it was getting out of control. Really, you have been on here forever, LIKE ME. I thought you would have more sense. I thought you were cool. Honestly. STOP. ..and of course, you didn't have to answer this as well as you didn't have to include your little blurb in the beginning. WHY further IT?!?!? Please stop. This is stupid.
Ha! You just described my brother in law although he comes with bonuses!! He has his fully capable but as lazy as he is girl friend AND her kid there! I can say lots of ugly things and if I ever said what I really feel we would all never speak again but......it just reminds me to raise my kids and good, responsible and self efficient adults!
Obviously the parents are enabling them, so I have no sympathy for the parents.
My brothers in law are just like this! Lazy good-for-nothings. It is a priority of mine to set a good example of work ethic to my boys. I just wish they didn't have my husband's pathetic family genes.
Parents who do everything for their children - young and grown- are doing their children and themselves a disservice. Foster independence and responsibility, and hopefully your children will end up great adults.
Are you going to call us all retarded if we don't answer the way you want us to?
Really I am afraid to answer your questions.
This is a depends on the situation kind of thing. I did kick my oldest out because he just didn't seem to want to grow up.
I know my uncle has issues and although he was always physically able to work mentally he couldn't keep a job.
Co-dependency stinks.
Yes the parents are enabling their adult children.
Abroad, it's common for multi-generational families to live under one roof. I think it can work beautifully IF people do their fair share.
The situation you are describing is not healthy.
The parents can't see clearly, so they are allowing this to happen. I guess I would try to talk to your parents, but you need guidance on how to do this. Because they can get defensive and shut you down. You love them and want the best for them. They don't deserve this drama and nonsense. Their son's are responsible for themselves. One suggestion is for the 2 brothers to live in their own apartment, but that's up to them to figure out.
You parents should give them a FIRM deadline. This is when I expect you out. You have X amount of time to find a place to live.
They do it because they CAN!!!! If the parents did their jobs correctly - and showed them how to be responsible adults - they wouldn't be in this situation now would they?
My daughter lived with my ex-husband his next wife after she graduated high school and before she went off to college. She had to pay rent. My ex and his wife (whom I really like) put the money into a savings account for her that she didn't know about. She left college for a year and went back to their home...where she paid rent. She had to work at Jack in the Box...she went back to school and moved back with them again after graduating...while she was searching for a job...again paying rent. She got a job and asked to stay - they said fine - rent is to be paid. She now has enough money to buy her own home (down payment) with furniture or a new car....her choice.
Any way - sorry - I digressed...If **I** were parents? I would tell them they have 30 days to find a job if not -you are out. This means showing proof they are sending resumes for positions they are qualified for and such. If that doesn't happen? HASTA LA VISTA, baby.
If it was my brother? I would kick his butt in gear.
Since it's not your business - unfortunately - you can't tell your parents or in-laws what to do...IF they ask or complain about their situation? TELL THEM YOUR OPINION...
I would stop dating your brother if I found out he still lived with his parents at the age of 35....
to be honest - I don't see this situation changing as the parents aren't stepping up...if he is verbally abusing his mother? I would report him to Adult Protection Services...yeah - he's my brother - but you do NOT disrespect your mother. If I was around when he did it? I would correct him on the spot. If he didn't like it? I would tell him to get F&&K over it and grow the F&&K up....
I would like to think I would remove the issue ... however it is none of your business how your mother and inlaws parent. Be glad you learned what they had to teach and are independant and stay out of the rest. If one of these parents comes to you asking for advice then share with them that you think they should kick out their children and made to fend for themselves, but ONLY if they ask your opinion.
My husband's adult daughter, her husband and their 5 year old and 6 month old moved in with us "temporarily". They were from out of state and were going to stay with us until they found employment and a place to live. They were here nine months and it was VERY strained.
Originally we were all for it because it gave us a chance to spend time with the kids, help them out and they said they were going to help out with grocery money. They never once offered and my husband never felt comfortable asking... I was just a step-parent to an adult child so it wasn't my place. Our fault for not hammering out the details clearly beforehand.
After 9 months they ended up back where they came from, our relationship was damaged and there are hurt feelings all around. I don't think adult children living with their parents is a good idea - ever. It's just too easy to slip back into the old parent-child relationship. Dad & Mom take care of everything and the kid has no responsibility.
The parents need to tell their son's it's time to leave, especially at age 35...their job is more than done, especially if they aren't getting any respect for providing the cost of living.
It's high time your parents start keeping the money and the house for themselves, and start enjoying their retirement.
Maybe if they're forced out on their own to make things work, they will, and hopefully become better and more productive people. They need a dose of reality. Ultimately, it's up to your parents...you saying anything to your brother will most likely only anger him and cause more problems.
And don't let an occasional negative comment on here get you too upset, it's just an anonymous online forum, ignore the comments you dislike or don't agree with and focus on the ones that actually help you with good advice!
i soooo don't ever what this for my kids, ever. It makes me sick how many families are like this out there.
not much you can do in your position. but lower your expectations and let your mom/ family know you won't be hanging around while those guys are mooching.
well my boyfriend and i and our daughter live with his parents (i am 21 he is 24) and he works for his parents and i am getting ready to start working again so, fingers crossed, we will be out of here within a year to 18 months, we do not pay rent or bills, we pay our car insurance, car payment, and my health insurance, whatever our daughter or we need, we pay for dinner two or three nights a week. once i start working i plan on talking to his dad about paying SOMETHING every month, like spliting the electric bill in the summer and gas in the winter and covering the water bill. we also plan on buying them a new dinning room table for the aniversery this year, and depending on finances i plan on talking to my boyfriend about maybe surprising his mom with airfair out to visit his sister that just got married and moved away for xmas (wed have to talk to his dad though because they own their own store and my boyfriend works for him) we have lived here for 3 years. a lot longer then either of us wanted to but i have not been able to find a job until now so hopefully we will be able to save up, even though we have a few big expenses coming up, (new big bed for our daughter plus mattress set for her and a new one for us)
My husband's ex (46 years old) lives with her parents and has for the last 10 years since she and my husband split. She lived with them until she was 28 and got married. She refuses to work or accept any responsibility for herself. She buried my husband in debt he had to pay off over and over again, trashed their house (I mean piles of trash waist high in some rooms) and refused to take care of their child (so much so that social services showed up b/c he was, unbeknownst to my husband, missing too much school). The only reason they don't have to support her is b/c my husband agreed to outrageous alimony if she would let their kid live with him. Now my stepson is almost 16, has thwarted every attempt to get his learner's permit - finally flat out admitted he doesn't want to learn to drive b/c he knows we will expect him to get a job at some point. Said he doesn't want to grow up/have to move out/go to college. He's been held back already in school and has barely squeaked by several other years. We've hired tutors, taken him to countless doctors/counselors/psychiatrists/school counselors, had child studies at his schools, tried every punishment/reward technique we could think of or that has been suggested. Still, he lies constantly and is LAZY. And I don't mean just teenage lazy, I mean keeping pee in a bottle in his room b/c he didn't "feel like" getting up to go to the bathroom 15 feet down the hall! So he will HOPEFULLY graduate in 3 years and we are already questioning what we will do. We know he will not move out willingly. We know he will not work willingly. We know he will not do well in college (although he will have the option to go but will be cut off financially if he fails). He is his mother. And the cold hard truth is you can't REALLY make someone do anything unless you give up your own life and play warden over their every move. So we already know the day will probably come when we will literally have to kick him out and change the locks. But how do you steel yourself against your child who you love when your very nature, as a parent, is to protect them and care for them? It's a lot harder than it sounds. That said, we will do it b/c it's not fair to us, his brother or him to enable him and live with the stress his lying and filth cause. My point is, I think the parents on both sides are wrong to enable their kids and your point(s) are completely valid but I can also see how hard it is for them to toss them out in the street! As for your brother, you can talk to him but know that he will probably get defensive and mean. Still, it might make you feel better that you at least tried something!
Hi, M.:
I understand what you are talking about. I stayed with a woman while up
in PA to do my presentation on Understanding the Cycle of Conflict.
Her 38 y.o. son is living with his mom rent free. She is living in a dream world. She doesn't want to be alone and says that he helps her by doing things. Actually, she likes some one to boss around. I don't mean that she is mean to him, just likes to tell him to do this and that. He does it when he feels like it.
He smokes and she takes him to the store to buy cigarettes.
Mom is co-dependent but she is oblivious to what she is doing to him: Making him helpless.
If you tell the parents how you are affected by these two moochers, that is all you can do. Just visit them when you feell like you can tolerate the environment.
All you can do is: Change yourself.
Good luck.
D.
Not to mention how the Government is enabling these men.
Hello! Unemployment benefits are for those who get laid off through no fault of their own. Not because they are drunk at work, time and time again.
This irks me more than mooching off of your parents. The mom's can put them out, but companies are required to pay into unemployment. And as a part of a small family owned business that has had to pay to low lifes who think they can get a free ride, all I have to say is Ugh.
