We have a very close family, 5 kids, 4 of us have been out of the house for at least several years (I'm the oldest, been out for 12 years). My youngest brother is only 13 though. My parents now have 3 grandkids (3 years old + 2 babies). We all live within an hour of my parents. For whatever reason, over the last few months I've become really conscious of the fact that it is "their" house, not "our" house & I've backed off sort of inviting myself over, etc. More to give Mom time to herself, more time with her other grandkid, etc. She has been going through some drama with her large family of siblings & has also had to pick up extra hours watching babies, which I know can be exhausting. (She previously worked 3 long days a week, but had to watch my nephew the other 2 days for the last couple months & now was asked to pick up an extra day at work)
Now, my Dad could care less, and my Mom has never said anything indicating she is sick of having us all over ;-) BUT, she is type that most likely wouldn't, even if we asked directly. She will either hide things or keep them bottled up until she explodes (rarely happens but not pretty when it does). We do clean up after ourselves, but just the invading of their space, and of course they always insist on cooking for us, etc. We all see each other several times a month, having camping trips together, etc. Parents house is our "home base." It's easier for everyone to meet there. Anyway, I mentioned something to my sister about this & she kind of got offended, I guess thinking I was meaning she was doing that, which I truly wasn't. I do feel like it's likely just my issue, as nothing really changed except I'm becoming more aware/sensitive to this situation.
Sorry, probably a dumb question, I don't know why this has been bothering me lately. So, to get to the point, do you consider it rude to invite yourself over to your parents, whether you ask or not? And do you ask if it's ok or wait for an invite? If Mom has never said anything, do you continue doing as usual or bring it up & hope she'll give you an honest answer? If you are "entertaining" your children nearly every weekend, do you find that annoying? Or do you love having them around so much? I would love some insight from parents/grandparents! I think I will bring it up to my Mom at the right time, I just hope she will be honest in her answer & not sugar coat how she really feels.
ETA: I should add, none of us would ever just "drop by" - traveling with kids for an hour, etc. does require planning, so we've never just showed up unannounced. Even so, with asking if we can come over, I've been wondering if it's truly "fine". I'm betting normal people are just honest w/ their children about when they are not feeling up for company, lol.
Wow, thank you for all of the insightful responses! I must be getting too paranoid, I really thought more people would say it's rude, but sounds like it is more the norm with close families ;-) In any case, I'll carry on as I have been, but maybe feel her out someday to see if it bugs her at all. Thank you all!!
I have a key to my parents house and we are welcome at any time. Problem is, we are so busy that we normally have to wait to plan something before we can get together.
No I just come when I want. I still have a key and my mother makes room in the garage for me to park my car. I'm and only child so that could explain it. :) My Mother told me this will always be my home and I am welcome to it whenever I need it.
I'm a grandparent. I have 8 kids and my 22nd grandchild was born on monday.
My kids are welcome to drop in any time, any day. I welcome them to arrive just before dinner or just after. They are welcome to come bringing dinner, or lunch or to bring nothing. I love my kids and have always wanted a close family. (I cannot understand people that say they love their children, but then say they only want one child. They can't possible know what they are missing by having only one or two kids!) All of my kids have a key to my home.
On the rare occasion when they are ecomonically in need and would come but can't afford to because of the price of gas, they all know I will give them the money for the round trip and usually a little more upon their arrival. (There were several times I would have come home for a visit, but couldn't because it was over 3000 miles round trip and I didn't have the money. I found out later they had a high 6 figure or low 7 figure net worth at the time.) I don't want my kids to ever miss coming home because they can't afford to.
If they need groceries they can come and raid my pantry. (They call it dad's 7-11.) If they want to just come and talk for a little bit and then leave, they can do that too.
Families are forever.
Good luck to you and yours.
I wouldnt want mine to just drop in, but that's just me.
Plenty of folks are gonna tell you it's fine to do it.
I'd rather invite my kids over so there is a PLAN in place.
I dont invite myself to my moms, but if I feel like a visit I suggest it to her... "Do you want some company Mom, I can bring over a pizza?" Sometimes she tells me she's tired and not into it and sometimes she says "That would be wonderful come on over!"
I think it's best to give parents a choice, it's the courteous and mature thing to do in my opinion.
I invite myself and just drop by. If I don't show up a week ( like a week passes by) they start calling me and asking when they are going to see us or the kids... or they come over and say I guess you forgot where I live so I have to come over here.
All of us ( kids and parents) have an open door policy at each others house. For my brother though I usually call first to see what they are doing because they usually have a busy schedule.
With you being aware of your mom's busy schedule, maybe just before heading over there give her a call and say I was thinking of coming over, do you mind? I know you have been busy I didn't know if you would want some down time. I'm sure she will tell you and be grateful that you are aware of how much she has been doing lately.
I think that it's okay to pop up over there, but don't let yourself in without announcing first. If it makes you feel better, call first, and then don't stay long. Sometimes insist that you don't want anything to eat.
ETA: I actually appreciate this question. Once I moved out of my parents' house, I only used my key if I knew that they weren't home or if they told me ahead fo time to "just come on in". My mother fusses at me now for not using my key.
Recently my stepson was returning my husband's vehicle the morning after prom. It was about 8am, and I normally would have been outside my bedroom with my breasts swinging (nursing kid, so breasts are always swinging when it's just us at home) and possibly no pants. That's what my weekend mornings look like. Thankfully...in my bedroom when I heard voices from another part of the house. He had let himself and his friends in through the garage, and they all moved well beyond the back door. NOT okay. I appreciate that you respect that the space that you used to share is no longer "yours".
Your question is not dumb at all! It sounds like you are intuitive of your mom's feelings and a considerate person. I think it would be a great idea, next time your family is considering going "home", to call first and say "We would like to come over on x date for x event, but I want to make sure that you are up for company. We can certainly make different arrangements if you have other plans". Give her an out so she does not feel guilty if she says no.
With my family, it really depends on which mother or MIL. All 3 of our sets of parents live 1.5 hours away but they all live in the same town, which is nice because we can visit them all in one swoop. My own mother is MOSTLY fine with us dropping by whenever and encourages us to eat whatever is in her house. She has never said no to allowing her home to be "homebase". I know that my brothers and their kids stay with her fairly often. I do know that it stresses her out sometimes (as houseguests can!) and that it is somewhat annoying that they do not ask or even call ahead sometimes. Sometimes she will find out through the grapevine that "Jake and his family are staying with Mom this week" and that will be the first she hears of it! I think the biggest thing for her is that she will make food to feed them and then they will change their plans and go get burgers or something. So I guess just try your best to be the one that uses good communication, and at least you will have done your part, right?
I know exactly what you are talking about. Here's my way of handling this. To show appreciation for your parents continuous open door policy and their generosity, I suggest doing a little reverse psychology here. Call your parents up and invite them over to your house for dinner or you and your siblings do a cookout. You don't have to do it often, but once in a while is great. I think every parent, even if they have adult kids, loves to be treated special by their kids. Plan out a wonderful meal and cook it from scratch. My parents loved it when I invited them over for dinner and treated them well. I would break out my best china and cater to their every whim. My mom particularly always loved it because she didn't have to plan, cook, clean, or entertain us--she was queen for the day.
Hi mm-
I do not think you are being silly at all. I think it is very kind and considerate that you are taking your mom's feelings into consideration.
My ex MIL's home was the 'presumptive' place for any and all family gatherings when I was married. Her children (my ex included) did not seem sensitive to the fact that these gatherings were pretty overwhelming for her (even though we all brought a dish or two). I started to offer our home as the 'place' for holidays etc...we were more child friendly, and it forced ME to do a 'company coming cleaning'...lol.
I thought my BIL and SIL and THEIR families would offer for some holidays...but they never did.
Ex MIL is in her 90's now...and I hear that the holiday 'stuff' is back on her.
**sigh**
I do not know how to advise...but the fact that you are sensitive to her needs is, IMO, wonderful!
Best Luck!
michele/cat
This is interesting - my short answer: talk to your mom and get everything answered! If this were my mom, I could look at her face and tell if she was holding things in or not.
As for my own personal experience - I was the last of four to move out and yet I was only 15 minutes away. Even tho I KNOW my parents had an "open door" policy, I ALWAYS called and asked: "ok if I stop in?" and of course, they would always say yes! Even if they weren't going to be home, they would say, "your mail will be on the table!" or "there's food in the fridge" - this type of thing! Every family is different, but for me, we were very close and I never gave it a thot they would think I was invading their "space." Nor did they ever make me feel this way!! They would always tell me to stop in whenever I wanted.
My children will be out on their own soon enough, and for me, I will ALWAYS have an "open door" policy!!! Come over as often as you want, do your laundry, eat a meal, etc. As with my parents, my childhood home was ALWAYS my HOME!!! Hopefully, my children will feel this way also!! I can't imagine it any other way!!!
Maybe your sister got upset because you hit a nerve? Does she take advantage of your mom with the babysitting, etc.?
Good luck!!!
I never lived close enough to my parents to just "drop by". I generally had to get on an airplane for a visit! So, our visits were planned. My mom would come visit several times a year and we would go a couple of times a year. Its hard when you are paying for 4 tickets as opposed to 2 tickets!
I would have an open door policy sort of. I would like them to call first, it might be embarassing for our kids if they walk in and mom and dad are having wild monkey sex on the kitchen table!!!
Maybe it's me but I feel the same way. I dont currently live near my family but I'd give a quick call first. I just seems rude otherwise. And what if hey were "otherwise occupied"? I'd hate to just walk in o interrupt an intimate moment. ;)
no, i think it's a good question.
for me it seems to be a matter of not only proximity but timing. my younger still lives at home (for another couple of months, wah!!!) but my older comes home most weekends. because we talk often i usually know when he's going to be here, but he doesn't need to ask. this is still his home and he can come here whenever he wants. we're still in 'kid' mode even though we're teetering on the edge of empty nesting.
but my parents haven't had kids in the house in years, and while i do once in a blue moon just drop by, i almost always check with them first, and if not i do not assume they'll be free to chat with me. they're very busy, not only with travel and church stuff, but they take ballroom dancing lessons, walk every day, and really value their privacy and down time. it's a huge relief to me that i know if i call them and they're tired and don't want to visit they'll say so. so unlike my in-laws who are sweet, kind pleasers who always say what they think you want to hear, and it's exhausting trying to ferret out what they really mean.
i know it's hard on mumsie if a few of us have been visiting and we've taken over their tiny kitchen. i've finally muscled her into letting me clean up if there's more than a coffee cup and a fork in the sink. and i think if my brothers and i were descending on them every weekend it WOULD be a burden. i hope if that were the case that they'd say so, nicely. and i think they would.
khairete
S.
Some people, like your Mom, simply get worn out... of always having people over.
You are great, to wonder about this.
Sure it is the family home, your parents home and everyone uses it as a home base.... and there are several gatherings/outings there per month.
BUT... there comes a point, for some people... where too much is too much. And they simply want to be in their home, by themselves. That is how they deflate or relax. And if people/family/kids are constantly over there, they cannot relax.
And some people will not say that. Because they don't want to be a party pooper. And they don't want to say "no", because it is family and/or they don't want to "appear" rude.
So, I can understand... how your Mom might feel, and you are getting that feeling as well.
For me personally, my home is play date central and people come over all the time. Just recently, I had 4 play dates in a row over 4 days, then a sleep over for my kids. UGH! After that, I was totally wiped out and tired and up to my gills... with "entertaining." Sure, the guests were great and considerate and mannered and fine. BUT... just the fact that there were so many people in my home, for so many days, after that... I just wanted to do nothing... and to have NO one, in my home, besides my own family.
So I can totally understand, how you/your Mom may feel about this.
Everyone, needs to have their own space, to themselves.
And nothing is wrong with that.
And it is also up to the "guests," to also be cognizant of that.
AND being that my Mom (Grandma) also lives with us... I ALSO make sure... that my having things at our home and guests, is okay with her. Sometimes she simply does not want anyone over. Too.
And that is fine.
Your parents home is their home. Their space.
It is not grand central station.
And what if your parents/Mom... simply want no one over? Or what if they have other plans? Or plans with their friends? You Mom might feel uncomfortable with saying "no" to you all.
But nothing is wrong with that.
AND your Mom also works and babysits. Then you all go over to the house too.
Ya know..... that can all be very, very, tiring.
When can your Mom, ever really "relax" or deflate in her own privacy????
I always call ahead. DH infamously learned that even with a key, he should call ahead. He couldn't get in and peeked through the mail slot to see his dad's naked butt running for another room.
Even though it's rare that we mind, I would rather the sks call. They're not expected most of the time so there may be times we don't have enough food for dinner, won't be home, or are having a "mail slot moment". I don't think it's rude of them to ask if they can come by. But we (and my inlaws especially, since they have health concerns) are always honest when it's not a good idea.
I think having them around often would depend on the relationship. If you think your mom is getting annoyed, do talk to her. But maybe she likes having someone help her out around the house.
On the flip side, my sister's ILs are demanding and insist that they visit every weekend and Sis works FT and is going to school at night and has a baby. She doesn't have the time.
My girls(7 & 9 months) and I just dropped in on my parents this past Sunday and stayed until yesterday. My hubby is in Europe for work and it's just not easy with the little one(who hates sleeping!). So we surprised them...we live 3 hours away. They were so surprised and happy when we knocked on their front door...which we never do because we just walk in thru the garage, but wanted to surprise them. They loved it and always have. I know they don't have a problem when we show up...they love it. My mom would tell me if we got on her nerves or anything, but she never has.
My dad was so happy that we showed up that he took my suv and filled it with gas the night before we left. He said that we made my mom so happy by surprising her that I deserved it...I think he was pretty happy about it too!
We live 45 min away from my parents. My mom drops by unannounced and we do the same thing. If the door is unlocked I go on in. If it isn't I have a key. I do go in first in case my mother "is not dressed for company" ie in her pajamas.
Our kids always call ahead of time first, which is nice. I have our kids over anytime they want though! Seeing them definitely makes my day!
We invite ourselves over to the parents (i.e. -- mind if we invade you for the day). I believe it's up to the other person to give an honest answer if they mind.
I feel I have an open invite to my parents house, no doubts about it. In fact my dad sometimes complain my family doesn't visit enough. And here's the kicker, I work with my dad. My mom watches my girls 2 days a week, on those two days we have dinner together at my house. AND my dad complains I don't visit on the weekends enough. LOL Oh and I have 2 other siblings. One lives in another city and the other lives down the street from me. My parents enjoy all of our visits.
I think your being silly about it. I bet your parents enjoy the time with you! Sounds like they had a big family because they enjoy their children...so I wouldn't let it bother you
It never bothers me when my kids invite themselves over. If it is dinner they run the risk of we didn't make enough but I don't mind. If they just dropped by I would probably get annoyed pretty quick.
