Adult Children (35-42 Yrs. Old) - Communications Lacking

I can only tell you my experience. My DH has minimal contact with his parents because they are not polite and respectful to us. They constantly say our kids look like him, they are definatly controlling and when we were dating they made it perfectly clear they did not like me.
The best advice I can offer is, even if you don't like who he is living with give him emotional support.
Have you looked to see if there might be problems that he needs so much money. Don't pry but maybe just see if there is a pattern.
Invite him and the family to come visit

Your situation sounds like mine. My oldest is 32, He lives in WA where I have 2 grandchildren I will most likely never meet. (He's not with the mom) Over the last 12 years since he enlisted in the Coast Guard, I have only seen him 5 times. One when he got done with basic training. Two when he came home for a short 2 days. Thats when he met his new baby sister. Three when he came threw on his way to a new posting. He brought his girlfriend (a junky)with him. Fourth after the coast guard he came home for his younger brother's wedding. Fifth 4 years later he came home for this same younger brother's funeral. That was 5 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I lost 2 son's.

Like your son mine calls when there is a problem or he needs money. We are not financially well off. Two years ago he was working for the railroad and made more then my husband and I combined. He still called for money. Needless to say I refused. I did over the past 12 years send him some money but it was never too much and the reason had to be pretty needy. If I caught him lying to me the money never got sent.

As far as getting him to come here I don't know if it will ever happen. He has 2 kids in WA and I know it is important for him to have a relationship with them. I can't afford to go to WA and even if I could he lives over a friends garage so I would have to stay in a hotel.

I have resigned to praying for him and asking the Heavenly Father help me not to hold anger and frustration towards him. I admit at times it is difficult. But I'm the one who has a relationship with the Father and the son. I pray some day he will too. I'm sure when that happens he will remember the 5th commandment I taught him and our relationship will improve. I need to remember since I lost another son and will never be able to talk to him again in this life, any communication I have with my oldest is precious.

I know I haven't given you any advice. I just wanted to let you know I understand some of what you are feeling.

T.

Do you invite him? I know we visit my Mom and Dad way more than my-in-laws not because we don't love them but because:

1.) They invite us
2.) They have some where we can sleep besides the floor!
3.) They don't work, and have more time to be with us
4.) They also have fun stuff the kids can do

Maybe think about the way you are coming across to your kids.

GL:)

Sounds like you have 3 other children that are connected with you. Be thankful for that. Celebrate them. Some mom's have no one. But I know this is hard missing one. I have 8 and lost some for a while. I am thinking that if you worked for 25 years with children, then that may be the relationship "he" developed with you. Children don't think like adults and sometimes it takes years before they realize your sacrifices and love. In his mind it may have looked like this, "Mom's are gone, mom's give money". I know my dad was a truck driver (gone a lot) and came home tired and grouchy but he never gave money. I have never asked him for any. Even now at 53, it takes me forever to call him. He is so old, but he never let me talk to him as I was growing up. I also have a 33 year old child I don't hear from as much as the other 7 children. I think he is a very private person too so what I would do if I was you is keep inviting him to everything. If he won't connect with you then keep connecting with him. Don't give up. Make it about him, not you, so you won't feel so rejected. Some of my kids I hear from alot. And some are really just a treat. So what I do is I pray. I know they all belong to God. I bless them and ask God to protect them, heal them and meet their needs. And my oldest is coming around now. I have one that I didn't hear from for a long time. I just kept inviting and now I talk to them a few times a week. They may tell you too busy, but just keep doing it. Just like my dad, if he invited me over more I would go over more. But it is hard to take the lead. He always had it. (I am not saying this is how you were are but this is how it went with me.) I have made up my mind that as I age, I will stay happy, have a servant heart, and look for my significance in this world apart from being a mom. I am worth something too. So are you. Take some art classes, go on a trip. This seems to attract rather than repel. I have heard other moms that have adult children and are so sad and wondering what happened to their kids. They get very bitter. A cancer that eats them alive. Life isn't about our children. It is about God. And in Him is blessings. Hope something I have written triggers hope for you. I pray that God will heal your heart and relationship with your beautiful son, A.